Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet is Hiring CSRs (camp with us)

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BurningBribe
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Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet is Hiring CSRs (camp with us)

Post by BurningBribe » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:21 am

Position Available:

Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet (CSTO) is hiring for full-time employees at our Black Rock City location. Customer Service Representatives (CSR) play a crucial and active role in CSTO, both as a store employee and campmate. As a CSR, qualified candidates will assist customers in their soulmate quest through extensive one-on-one interviews at our BRC location. More specifically, they will run around drunk and dirty helping other drunk and dirty people form interpersonal, touchy-feely, soulmate- type connections with one another. New CSRs will help us right-size(ing) the workforce and shift to a goal-orientated stewardship system that may facilitate an out-of-the-box business case that leads to complete capitalization of our market segment. A company that can evolve faithfully will (at some point) be able to embrace defiantly.

In addition, candidates will be responsible for dressing like a Catholic School Girl, memorizing Sheena Easton's entire catalogue, cooking bacon, drinking Earl Grey and British Breakfast teas, and occasionally talking like a pirate. Advanced skills in the realm of stopping, dropping, and rolling may come in handy. This is a full time position with excellent vacation benefits.

Qualifications:
Customer communication is necessary, so ideal candidates will enjoy talking, opening the kimono, joking, singing, yelling, synergizing a leveraged knowledge transfer, screaming, making out, laughing, taking things to the next level and other activities involving moving one's mouth. Yes, your mind is in the gutter. No, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Benefits include: being a part of one of the most amazing communities in Black Rock City, two square meals a day, showers, shade, Morning Train (ask what this is in your interview) and much more. Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, gender, age, or being Canadian.

Onboarding you to our global synergized workflow paradigms.

Welcome to CSTO
http://www.csto.org

To apply:
Contact [email protected] com with “I want to camp with you!â€

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Galaxo Magic
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Costco

Post by Galaxo Magic » Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:46 am

I have CSR experience. Where will you be camped? We are camped on Athens near 7:30 (Camp Upsie Dasium and Camp GravyBrain)

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Token
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Post by Token » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:09 am

You guys seem to be looking for staff each year.

What's the story here?

Why the big turnover of employees.

Do you have an HR department I can consult?

Is there an employee retention plan in place?

How about employee satisfaction surveys?

Are these Union positions?

We the people need to know.

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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:12 am

My, my there's a lot of testosterone in that photo. Where were our female campmates when that was taken? I think corporate needs to release a memo regarding the measures Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet has taken to fill our vagina deficit for 2010.
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C.f.M.
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Post by C.f.M. » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:15 am

What about casual Fridays? Is there a vending machine in the break room? When do we go on the booze cruise?

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Token
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Post by Token » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:31 am

That's a really white looking camp.

What is your position on affirmative action?

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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:35 am

Token wrote:You guys seem to be looking for staff each year.

What's the story here?

Why the big turnover of employees.

Do you have an HR department I can consult?

Is there an employee retention plan in place?

How about employee satisfaction surveys?

Are these Union positions?

We the people need to know.
Employee retention has been hindered by discriminatory hiring practices and a refusal on the part of management to address the "patchouli ceiling". While we do not discriminate on the basis of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, or being Canadian - our strict No Dirty Freeloading Hippie Policy has had an impact on our hiring pool.

Really it boils down to this: We have a lot of international campmates who alternate years, it takes a lot of campmates and volunteers to pull off the soulmate trading, and we honestly enjoy the chaos that results when you throw random strangers off eplaya into our camp. Shit, that was how we got the OP, right Bribe?

We don't *have* to advertise for new campmates but a smaller camp means less people get soulmates and we're fucking overachievers. And really, how would the hippies of BRC spread their scabies around if Costco didn't exist? We're doing a service to the free clinic nurses of America by bringing them new patients.
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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:42 am

Token wrote:That's a really white looking camp.

What is your position on affirmative action?
Everyone looks white when they're covered in playa dust. Think of it as camouflage.
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C.f.M.
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Post by C.f.M. » Thu Jul 15, 2010 11:46 am

I would also like my vagina deficit filled. :cry:

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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:49 pm

C.f.M. wrote:I would also like my vagina deficit filled. :cry:

Unfortunately I lack the necessary skill set to fill your vagina deficit. That equipment just wasn't in the budget for 2010.
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BurningBribe
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Burnsourcing

Post by BurningBribe » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:18 pm

Due to concerns voiced on this thread corporate headquarters has released this memo to calm all fear/ignorance.


Subject: Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet (CSTO) introduces Burnsourcing

FOR IMEDIATE RELEASE

The recent economic downturn and Global Economic Crisis (GEC) has hit The Burning Man community hard. Because of this CSTO has been forced to adopt a new system in Soulmate Trading (TM). Where previously this has been outsourced to our corporate headquarters in Santa Cruz we have now had to evolve into a strategy of ‘insourcing.’ By developing out patented process of Burnsourcing (TM) we are able to bring employment back to the Playa. In recent years unemployment in Black Rock City has crested at nearly 95% and it is our goal at CSTO to live up to our corporate responsibility and decrease those numbers.

Through Burnsourcing we have gainfully employed large numbers of very wide awake, neon and glowstick clad, funfur wearing, I-think-he’s-had-one-too-many-red-bulls neighbors to assist in our process. Housed in a nearby compound dubbed “Distrikt 9â€

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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:41 pm

According to Wednesday's annual audit, Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet finished 2009 with a nearly 18 vagina deficit, double what was projected but still significantly below the 32 vagina figure that some predicted. It was the second consecutive year the company finished with vaginal deficits higher than 25 percent of its overall genital budget. The company finished 2008 with a 12 vagina deficit.

The deficit was driven in large part by the Genital Recession, which pummeled crotch related aquisitions from regionals and online recruiting. The company offset those losses by furlowing 14 penises and taking other labia-size-increasing measures, such as inflatable mattresses with Magic Fingers and less "Earl Grey" at breakfast. Auditor Dick Fitzwell (aka Jester) said he included a 14 vagina deficit in last year's budget, but the final figure increased when 4 vaginas in expected revenue failed to materialize.

"They just didn't show up." said FNG, a CSTO employee. "Bribe and I totally chatted them up, and they said they'd meet us at our camp the next day 'like, for sure'. I think they might have been doing a lot of whip-its or something. When we left we heard them say, 'Let's go look at that shiney thing over there'."

Faced with another projected vagina deficit, company spokesperson Ashes was still optimistic.: "We have made significant efforts to fill the Vagina Allotment Gap (VAG). I don't think anyone could say we're not motivated to fill the VAG. In fact, I haven't worked this hard to fill the VAG since I was 19. The board has authorized a special program to deal with the VAG. I'm going to be employing some specialized tools on the VAG this year, and I expect the results to be explosive!"

Other CSTCO employees were a bit less aroused by the VAG. CSTO manager Feral reportedly said, "Whatever. I've still got my own vagina, so there's that at least." Feral did say that she thought Ashes' idea of specialized tools might have some merit. "I'm pretty interested in giving that a try. It's a much better idea than just paying contract labor. Someone brought that idea up last year, and I hated it."

Costco Soulmate Trading Outlet - Filling the VAG since 1998.
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...Jester...
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WAIT

Post by ...Jester... » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:51 pm

First I get a rejection email, now you're hiring?

I guess you just don't like me? I swear that's bacon not patchuli...

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decoverite
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Re: WAIT

Post by decoverite » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:54 pm

...Jester... wrote:First I get a rejection email, now you're hiring?

I guess you just don't like me? I swear that's bacon not patchuli...
*cough *

Standards

*cough*
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bluemoon541
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Post by bluemoon541 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:48 am

where are you guys going to be located this year?
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BurningBribe
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Post by BurningBribe » Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:41 am

Due to the current economic slump, and a decrease in revenue, we were unable to renegotiate our lease from last year. Luckily we were given the opportunity to find a new space the same size as our previous location. This year we will be camped in what is being called "Distrikt 9" (see previous press release about Burnsourcing (TM). This new neighborhood will be located at 9 and F, and will provide plenty of entertainment in the form of unce unce, abandoned bikes, and of course Soulmate Trading.

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bluemoon541
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Post by bluemoon541 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 12:56 pm

outstanding...now...is there the option of coming in once there and volunteering?....i would love the privilege of participating....
www.doctorsteel.com
www.toysoldiersunite.com

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decoverite
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Post by decoverite » Sat Jul 17, 2010 1:09 pm

bluemoon541 wrote:outstanding...now...is there the option of coming in once there and volunteering?....i would love the privilege of participating....
We have numerous opportunities for part time employment. Tentatively we'll be training volunteers Tuesday through Friday at 10:00AM and 1:00PM. Send me a PM if you'd like more details.
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Galaxo Magic
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Post by Galaxo Magic » Sat Jul 17, 2010 3:41 pm

[quote="decoverite"][quote="bluemoon541"]outstanding...now...is there the option of coming in once there and volunteering?....i would love the privilege of participating....[/quote]

We have numerous opportunities for part time employment. Tentatively we'll be training volunteers Tuesday through Friday at 10:00AM and 1:00PM. Send me a PM if you'd like more details.[/quote]
Does part-time employment come with benefits?

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bluemoon541
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Post by bluemoon541 » Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:48 pm

yes...good question...what perks are there for volunteers?...other than an awesome time and helping out I(which i dont mind doing)...:)
www.doctorsteel.com
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bluemoon541
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Post by bluemoon541 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:24 pm

PM sent @ decoverite...:)
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