Ex-boyfriend in my camp: Am I crazy?

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:50 am

So my relationship is unravelling as we speak and it seems fairly certain that we'll break up. However, he and I were (are?) planning on going to the playa together, this has been the plan for months. He has never been before; this will be my 5th year. We've been together since February and the split, though painful as most are, is amicable.

I'm part of a 25-person camp that's been going together for 5+ years and these are some of my best friends in the world. Ex-Bf has gotten to know them through the camp planning this year though they are all clearly *my* friends. We all get along except for maybe Sunday after the burn when everyone's exhausted and crabby and dirty and doesn't want to deal with packing up to go home.

As things stand now, the ex-BF still wants to go to Burning Man and I still want him to go. I'm thinking (and I know I'm in a somewhat irrational state of mind) that we should just go together. This was his idea as well. He thinks it could work; I think it could work. I kind of see it as a separate reality that we could go into knowing that it's just for the playa. Almost a pre-arranged playa fling. He'd be great fun to hang out with though I'd also like for us to have an understanding that not every single second has to be together.

One worry that I have is that if things get bad between us, he'll be stuck in a camp full of *my* friends and be somewhat alone, not that we'd kick him out. I've told him that if this is going to work, he needs to think about how he'll deal with that and perhaps make sure he has other folks to depend upon. He does know other people going but would rather camp with me.

Am I/Are we comepletely crazy? I kind of think we are but at the same time could see this being really great and I really want it to happen.

phil · Post by **phil** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:59 am

Have a back up plan for both of you. Pulling up stakes when you drive each other crazy will benefit your whole group. Only one may need to go, maybe both if you've really gotten on everyone's nerves.

Be prepared and willing to move to another camp.

unjonharley · Post by **unjonharley** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:04 am

Suggest he be camped in such a manner that he can move over to his other friends if needed. Stop the clinging before you go.

skygod · Post by **skygod** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:30 am

"Hell is other people"-- Jean-Paul Sartre

capjbadger · Post by **capjbadger** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:42 am

"Misery is optional"

Don't do it. Camp seperatly. Visit if you feel like, but have your own holes to crawl into. Your campmates will thank you.

Having to pack up in the middle of he week and move everything would be a massive pain in the ass.

MrMullen · Post by **MrMullen** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:44 am

One word: "BOOM!"

Tell the guy to take a hike if it is your friends in the camp. If they are his friends, you have to take a hike.

Let me put it this way, when he brings back to his tent some Playa Girlfriend just remember how much you are going to go ape shit and how much this is going to piss off everyone else.

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:59 am

well, as usual, divided opinoins. just to be clear though, the idea does NOT include bringing others into the mix. we'd have to agree that that was not an option so as to try to maintain a stable camp for both of us and for the rest of my camp.

uncle sticky · Post by **uncle sticky** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:02 am

If the goal is to prolong the pain and confuse yourselves, then I think your plan is a good one. If the goal is to move on with the mourning and get over each other, than I would draft another one.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:03 am

Yes.

Why would you want to invite mroe drama into your life.

Sorry for the pain of the breakup, but get him away from you.

Nickel · Post by **Nickel** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 11:55 am

ellisbelle wrote:well, as usual, divided opinoins. just to be clear though, the idea does NOT include bringing others into the mix. we'd have to agree that that was not an option so as to try to maintain a stable camp for both of us and for the rest of my camp.

What if he met the girl of his dreams (or he thought she was) and just couldn't help himself, or vice versa. The problem is that, there is a chance either of you might bring someone back, and given that it really is a bad idea. I'd say let him come with you, even drive out if that is the only way, but have him make arrangements with another camp.

You'll be happy you did.

hunter S · Post by **hunter S** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 2:06 pm

ellisbelle, Your nuts! what the hell are you thinking??? Move on! BM 06 is just the place to start! Re focus and realize life after this relationship will be awesome!

With what you've said about the current situation? IMOP you would be better off to come to the playa with no water, no sun screen, no tent! The default world is waiting for you when you get home & THEN you can play the maybe things will work scenario with out all the playa effects tainting your emotions! You only get so many BM's then you die!

Just my two cents,

phil · Post by **phil** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 2:29 pm

ellisbelle wrote:well, as usual, divided opinoins. just to be clear though, the idea does NOT include bringing others into the mix. we'd have to agree that that was not an option so as to try to maintain a stable camp for both of us and for the rest of my camp.

Good plan, but you need a back up for when you break the agreement completely, flaunting that 18 year old boy of your dreams, and your ex-boyfriend steals him from you.

It's Burning Man. You've been five times, right? You know what happens to plans. Especially when he turns up with _his_ new girl on Sunday.

You're a competent adult. Do what you want. But have a back up plan.

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 2:45 pm

All good advice. And I knew I'd answer my own question with "Yes, I am crazy." Still need to chat with the ex about it and come to an agreement about what's best. Foolhardy perhaps but we'll see. I think I've put the fear of god in him already that he'll be left to die on the playa so maybe he'll be scared off now anyway!

If it's going to happen, there's be a no new girlfriends/boyfriends agreement (neither of us would be likely to find anyone anyway, we're both not good at that) and if either of us DID find someone else, the other party would be justified in poisoning their water supply.

thisisthatwhichis · Post by **thisisthatwhichis** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:02 pm

ellisbelle wrote: and if either of us DID find someone else, the other party would be justified in poisoning their water supply.

And likely the water supply of your whole camp. Take everyone else's advice and don't make this "gift" upon the camp. Plan to M&G, if you want to make sure each other is OK, but nothing remains the same, and default world agreements tend to float away after being there awhile.

Plan to camp separate up front.... My nickel........Wishing you both the best

Rockdad · Post by **Rockdad** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:06 pm

ellisbelle wrote:All good advice. And I knew I'd answer my own question with "Yes, I am crazy." Still need to chat with the ex about it and come to an agreement about what's best. Foolhardy perhaps but we'll see. I think I've put the fear of god in him already that he'll be left to die on the playa so maybe he'll be scared off now anyway!

If it's going to happen, there's be a no new girlfriends/boyfriends agreement (neither of us would be likely to find anyone anyway, we're both not good at that) and if either of us DID find someone else, the other party would be justified in poisoning their water supply.

HUH? as Heli would say...

Get over it...get on the Playa, drop the drama or you will make everyone in your camp miserable how about a no expectations no rules rule? why does there have to be any rules you are separate beings now let it go.

He will probably hit the Playa running anyhow...

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:39 pm

So, RD, aren't you going to invite her into our camp?

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:54 pm

drat. i guess things aren't looking good in terms of y'all saying what i want to hear. wishful thinking will only get me so far, i guess.

double drat.

well then you'll all have to come by illumination village and be my playa playmates.

capjbadger · Post by **capjbadger** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:21 pm

ellisbelle wrote:drat. i guess things aren't looking good in terms of y'all saying what i want to hear. wishful thinking will only get me so far, i guess.

Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to.

Good luck.

unjonharley · Post by **unjonharley** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:31 pm

Ah what the hell. Sex with the EX is best. At least yours will be close by if needed.

dav725 · Post by **dav725** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:34 pm

I'll put in my two cents as well...BM is a once a year (for some once in a lifetime) experience....don't ruin it for both of you. I've seen the same situation played out at BM, and IT NEVER ENDS WELL. Burning Man is a heightened experience on a good day...and being there during a break up can be a healing experience if the two of you were to do it separately. Since you are the one who wrote and may or may not be the voice of reason here...take a stand. Have him find another camp. It will be the best thing for him. He will meet new people...realize there is life for him outside of the relationship. The big question is, do you want that for him? Are you big enough of a person to give that to him?

If he is at your camp, you know the talk behind his back will be about the breakup. No one will invest time with him because they know that he is the ex...he's not going to be in the picture.

Do this good thing and you will be doubly blessed at burning man this year. It will be difficult for both of you and you'll be miserable for a day or so...but after that, beyond fear is hope.

Ron · Post by **Ron** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 4:49 pm

[quote="ellisbelle"....If it's going to happen, there's be a no new girlfriends/boyfriends agreement (neither of us would be likely to find anyone anyway, we're both not good at that) and if either of us DID find someone else, the other party would be justified in poisoning their water supply.[/quote]

OK, so here's the question. Do you want to get back together with this guy in a committed, monogamous, relationship? If yes, go to the burn with him. If no, pull yer head out and ferggit about it. Because that's what you're really talking about here, getting back together again. The duration is irrelevant (while some relationships do last for a week no one really plans for that to happen, and if you do plan for it to happen you never know what may actually pan out) to my way of thinking. If you want to entangle yourself, your nether regions, and your heart with this guy then get back together and go together. If you don't, don't. And I'd guess, since you broke up with him, you don't. But one never knows and it's not like the break-up trail is always one way.

Best in any case,

Ron who has a no contact post break up rule in the self disclosure department[/b]

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 6:28 pm

OK, so here's the question. Do you want to get back together with this guy in a committed, monogamous, relationship? If yes, go to the burn with him. If no, pull yer head out and ferggit about it. Because that's what you're really talking about here, getting back together again. The duration is irrelevant (while some relationships do last for a week no one really plans for that to happen, and if you do plan for it to happen you never know what may actually pan out) to my way of thinking. If you want to entangle yourself, your nether regions, and your heart with this guy then get back together and go together. If you don't, don't. And I'd guess, since you broke up with him, you don't. But one never knows and it's not like the break-up trail is always one way.

Don't really want to get back together with him - there's a very large gulf that would have to be crossed to make it work. I know it's for the best that we part. Maybe sometime in the future once he gets his shit together it can happen but that's a long way from now. However, I do acknoweldge that a week of playa contact sounds awfully enticing. And actually, he inititated the breakup talk. Yeah, it IS crazy, me bringing the guy who dumped me to burning man so that he gets the benefit of my totally rad camp.

Ron · Post by **Ron** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 6:53 pm

ellisbelle wrote:...
Don't really want to get back together with him -.

Allrighty then, you've got your answer. Pull your head out and forgett about it. :)

Ron

skygod · Post by **skygod** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:00 pm

Love!
Love will keep us together!
Think of me whenever
Some guy in a thong
Hands you a bong!

Tiahaar · Post by **Tiahaar** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:31 pm

ellisbelle wrote:drat. i guess things aren't looking good in terms of y'all saying what i want to hear. wishful thinking will only get me so far, i guess.

double drat.

well then you'll all have to come by illumination village and be my playa playmates.

Illumination Village eh? It happens that a certain electrified persona is noted as being there...annoy him and the ex-or-you could get zapped!

hunter S · Post by **hunter S** » Tue Aug 15, 2006 10:39 pm

Wow! dose this not scream for a "Dear Abbey" playa style need in the Black Rock Gazette?
Next time I have a issue (romance) I'm coming right here!
Best damn advice I ever herd!

ellisbelle, it don't get any clearer! print the thread, hand it to him & call him in the morning with the question "So now where are you going to camp?"

The CO · Post by **The CO** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 10:30 am

Since you seem to have the comfort of all parties (you, him, CAMPMATES), think about this: When (not if) you have some kind of disagreement, do you want all the campmates in your tent compound to hear it? The closeness of everyone in that enviorment is going to be stressful. Personally, I could camp apart from each other.

spectabillis · Post by **spectabillis** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 3:03 pm

ellisbelle · Post by **ellisbelle** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 3:34 pm

Okay, so at least now it's confirmed: I'm crazy. Unfortunately, it doesn't make me want to do it any less, despite all the awesome advice (and really I do appreciate the advice). But yeah, it's still up in the air and yeah, I know I'm being a doormat.

And of course everything I'm hearing is exactly what I would say if someone else posed the question to me. My head and my heart are just too evenly matched on this one. I clearly see how it's wrong, but clearly still want it.

<sigh>

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Wed Aug 16, 2006 3:43 pm

Just bring him. With 38,000 people on the playa if things self-destruct between you it's not like you can't find distractions and diversions to immediately transport you away from all the drama. It could end up being a catalyst that repairs the relationship too. The playa has a funny way of causing the most unexpected things to happen. It sounds like you've already made up your mind and you're looking for validation. My take on it is you need to trust that inner voice, both of you need to get your stuff packed and just go. I betcha it turns out better than you expected...I hope you come back on here after the event and let us know how it went.

Ex-boyfriend in my camp: Am I crazy?

Ex-boyfriend in my camp: Am I crazy?

What's your goal?