Ex-boyfriend in my camp: Am I crazy?

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trilobyte
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Post by trilobyte » Wed Aug 16, 2006 3:48 pm

I think there's a good chance it could work. The trick is to set the proper expectations. Make sure he understands that you two will probably spend much of the week apart from each other. Make sure he knows that when people are nagging him to hydrate it's because he's a newbie and it has nothing to do with the past :-) Make sure he understands that there may be a very good chance that he may catch you in someone else's arms at some point during the week. Maybe just being chummy, maybe making out, maybe something else. If he thinks that would make him feel jealous or weird, he should make a backup plan (as in prepare to move himself to another part of the playa. And make sure that both of you remind yourselves that if you get unusually cranky/irritable, it's because you're either not properly hydrated, not eating properly, not getting enough sleep, or all three. If you sense it, do something about it.

The job for you both is to minimize, if not completely eliminate drama. Not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your campmates, who are probably really great people.

That's not to say you should avoid each other out there, but that you want to make sure he doesn't have the expectation that you'll be hanging out for any period of time.

If you don't want to sound too cold, make a couple safety/daytime plans. Such as swing over to The Deep End for a drink during the day. Grab coffee some morning. You know the drill... friendly activities that are not likely to be taken the wrong way.

Good luck!

~Trilo~

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ellisbelle
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Post by ellisbelle » Wed Aug 16, 2006 3:53 pm

Kinetic IV wrote:Just bring him. With 38,000 people on the playa if things self-destruct between you it's not like you can't find distractions and diversions to immediately transport you away from all the drama. It could end up being a catalyst that repairs the relationship too. The playa has a funny way of causing the most unexpected things to happen. It sounds like you've already made up your mind and you're looking for validation. My take on it is you need to trust that inner voice, both of you need to get your stuff packed and just go. I betcha it turns out better than you expected...I hope you come back on here after the event and let us know how it went.

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm not so much worried about drama, really. This thread notwithstanding, I'm not known for high drama. It's more about how it perpetuates the break-up. I'll definitely check back in, and who know? This could all still resolve some other way in the next two weeks!

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Post by spectabillis » Thu Aug 17, 2006 5:10 am

ellisbelle wrote:Okay, so at least now it's confirmed: I'm crazy...
you talk as if thats out of the ordinary.

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Post by spectabillis » Thu Aug 17, 2006 5:10 am

whoops, i meant thats a pretty safe assumption for the majority of people at the event.

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Post by Marmot » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:00 am

I've been cued up to camp with people in the midsts of relationship death spiral, and told them I would not camp with them.

Who the hell would want to be around that kind of energy? If you don't think people can pick up on the anger/sadness/anxiety/hurt radiating from you and yer guy, you're wrong. You might think it just affects the two of you, but you're wrong-- and it is no fun to be around.

So in the context of "gifting", perhaps your gift this year should be to spare your campmates from a front row seat to the death of your relationship.

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Post by Marmot » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:08 am

ellisbelle wrote:I clearly see how it's wrong, but clearly still want it.
<sigh>
Babe, I'm sure you are very sweet, but think about how selfish and self-destructive this sounds.

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ellisbelle
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Post by ellisbelle » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:17 am

Marmot wrote:
ellisbelle wrote:I clearly see how it's wrong, but clearly still want it.
<sigh>
Babe, I'm sure you are very sweet, but think about how selfish and self-destructive this sounds.
I know and I'm trying to overcome it. Really.

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Post by Mister Jellyfish Mister » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:21 am

You can't shake the hand that jerked you off.
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Post by Kinetic IV » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:39 am

There's a tendency to focus on the drama potential here...and yeah this does look like a potential powderkeg that's worth avoiding. But I think people are overlooking the playa's ability to heal relationships too. Not everything works perfectly, the intensity of the event can fracture weak relationships and many of us have seen the stories or heard all about the bad stuff. But the good stuff rarely gets reported...and it could come into play with this situation. Again I say go....this reminds me of the hype I fell for regarding the playa surface condition and potential for major dust this year. We can pontificate and speculate all day long but until we get out there and get in the dust we're really not going to know.

I also admit I'm a bit biased against being prejudged before stepping foot on the playa. It's happened to me, people thought my online / camp reality drama would come to the playa....it didn't. And when people realized it didn't I got some apologies from the deal. Not everything's pre-ordained to self destruct and this could turn out to be a good thing or go off on a tangent for both of them.

Again no matter what happens I wish you the best of luck and a good burn.

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Ron
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Post by Ron » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:52 am

ellisbelle wrote:..I know and I'm trying to overcome it. Really.
Ask yourself how important your own integrity is to you.

Ron

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ellisbelle
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Post by ellisbelle » Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:25 am

Ron wrote:
ellisbelle wrote:..I know and I'm trying to overcome it. Really.
Ask yourself how important your own integrity is to you.

Ron
Oh I am.

1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

They all apply. The reason to not have him come shouldn't that I'll look like an ass though. My integrity also includes being true to my emotions.

And since I know y'all are hanging by the edge of your seat, we talked again last night. It's still looking likely that he'll come and camp with us.

I'll start cringing now in anticipation of the scolding.

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Post by unjonharley » Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:48 am

Why not post a picture? See how many camp offers you get. From friends you have'nt met yet.
.
OOOrrr the other way around.

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ellisbelle
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Post by ellisbelle » Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:03 am

unjonharley wrote:Why not post a picture? See how many camp offers you get. From friends you have'nt met yet.
.
OOOrrr the other way around.
That's me over in the corner. But no, I really want to camp with my friends. I've worked too hard at putting the camp together to not get to enjoy it. I know it may not sound like it, but I am also trying to keep their interests at heart. And so far, the camp mates are not concerned about keeping him in the mix.

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Ron
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Post by Ron » Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:22 am

ellisbelle wrote:....

And since I know y'all are hanging by the edge of your seat, we talked again last night. It's still looking likely that he'll come and camp with us.
....
That's funny. No scolding from me, to thine own self be true and it's no skin off my nose who's in your camp. But I'm willing to bet that you do want to get back together with him at this point, you just can't/won't/don't want to admit it.

Best, and enjoy your burn!

Ron

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Push it

Post by MichaelMN » Thu Aug 17, 2006 3:21 pm

Okay BM Virgin here, but my expectation going in is that BM is a place to PUSH THE LIMITS. So go ahead with the BF experiment. Hell, use the time to do something totally bizzare, fufill a want/need. Bring home a gal, while he brings home a guy. Bring a strap on and Be the guy. Dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight.

This is an opportunity - make use of it.

No rules, no boundaries - keep this in mind, and do what thou wilt.

*BOOM*? Maybe. So? That would be an experience as well. Wallow in it. Just dont pull down the camp with you, that is the only limit.

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Re: Push it

Post by skygod » Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:15 pm

MichaelMN wrote: do what thou wilt
"Do what thou wilt be the whole of the law."--Aleister Crowley
As much as I agree with that old cannibal, you should be aware of the risks.
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Post by bethalyse » Thu Aug 17, 2006 8:12 pm

you're not crazy, the desire sounds normal to me. but just remember that camping together is not going to stop the downward slide into breakup-land if it's already begun. having said that, there's nothing wrong with maintaining the fantasy of extending your relationship long enough to enjoy the burn together, as long as you recognize that that's what you're doing--living a pleasant fantasy that you've both decided to create for the duration of the week. if you get confused and start to think it means your relationship is still kicking when it's really not, it could be painful. but if you're both in it for the last hurrah and want to go out with a bang i'd say it's probably just fine to camp together as planned. though it might cut down on your potential for meeting new partners out on the playa. keep the lines of communication clear and open no matter what and you should be fine. :idea:
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Xta_G
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Post by Xta_G » Thu Aug 17, 2006 11:39 pm

Maybe part of your agreements for appropriate action can be "No discussion of relationship within camp boundaries", to keep things nice for the camp mates...

.. I don't have a problem with your plans to bring him with you.. I'm friends with most of my exs, did some the easy way of cold-turkey, did others the fuck-buddies-with-tangled-emotions way, but they are all still caring relationships with people who mean a lot to me. I think it is cool that you're not trying to dump him out of this experience that HE has been planning for, too...

Can't remember seeing it in anyone else's comments, but have you two considered doing some sort of closure ceremony for this past stage of your relationship? Maybe taking something to the Temple, or writing all the negative shit you're both still hanging onto down onto pieces of paper to BURN not share... spend time honouring what you had, cry a bit if you're the crying type... and then go do something else to celebrate the start of your new friendship? I can't imagine a better place to do this.. and I've never been :)

X.
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ellisbelle
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Post by ellisbelle » Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:37 am

Xta_G wrote:Maybe part of your agreements for appropriate action can be "No discussion of relationship within camp boundaries", to keep things nice for the camp mates...


Can't remember seeing it in anyone else's comments, but have you two considered doing some sort of closure ceremony for this past stage of your relationship?

X.
Yeah, we're trying to work out what we can beforehand because I truly don't want anyone else to get dragged into it. And I think your advice to have any necessary relationship talks away from our camp is a really good one.

And yes, a closure ceremony sounds like a good idea too.

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frenchblue1
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Post by frenchblue1 » Fri Aug 18, 2006 5:31 pm

Camp Drama is the worst Burn Kill there is...

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Post by frenchblue1 » Fri Aug 18, 2006 5:38 pm

Camp Drama is the worst Burn Kill there is...

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Post by theCryptofishist » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:14 am

Bears repeating, huh?

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ellisbelle
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resolution

Post by ellisbelle » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:52 am

So....thought I'd close the loop on this on: he's not going to Burning Man at all. The relationship itself wasn't really the issue, it was more everything else going on in his life (which all contributed to the relationship's demise). It's just too overwhelming for him so I think he's finally done the sensible thing and decided to put off his first time until next year.

Of course we both know it's for the best. He's got a lot of quite a few big holes to dig himself out of and Burning Man would have only delayed and perhaps worsened that process.

We're both sad about it but I'm also continuing to focus on having an amazing adventure on the playa and looking hot. I think those two goals should provide some distraction.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and suggestions, even those of you who I seemed to be unhappy with for not providing the answers I wanted to hear. I really was listening and it helped a lot to check in with all of you!

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Post by Rockdad » Mon Aug 21, 2006 10:38 am

Can we go to the party now?
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Post by unjonharley » Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:26 pm

How did this turn out?

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Post by geekster » Fri Oct 06, 2006 8:10 pm

I haven't noticed any new subscribers to http://dramacamp.tribe.net/ so I am assuming nobody died.
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ellisbelle
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in the end

Post by ellisbelle » Sat Oct 07, 2006 2:34 pm

Well, like I said, he decided not to go in the end and it was the right thing to do. I had an amazingly good time with all my great friends and though I was dissapointed to not have him there, it really was for the best.

He had painted a beautiful sign for our camp, which had at the front of our camp until Sunday night when I was given permission (well, actually, I demanded permission) to burn the sign as my own way of letting go and saying good-bye. So I had my own little burn ceremony after the waffle burn, cried a bit, threw it on to the burn platform, watched it go up in flames, and then turned around and went back home to camp, without looking back.

We've talked once or twice since I got back but I'm going to see him for the first time next week.

You all were right, it *would* have been crazy to put myself through that. I think my camp mates would have been totally fine with it but I'm the one that would have suffered. Thanks for all your advice and support!

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Post by artcarheather » Sun Feb 04, 2007 1:33 pm

I hate it when I have to do things that resemble growing up...Good for you though.

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Post by skygod » Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:24 pm

I am glad you had a good time.
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