Relationships on the playa

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JezebelinHell
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Relationships on the playa

Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:55 am

So I'm a fairly seasoned vet of BRC, but I'm not so seasoned on the whole relationship thing and was hoping someone had some advice. I've been a burner for seven years and this will be the first year that my girlfriend will be coming with me. She's an awesome chick and I love having her around, but I'm pretty convinced she's going to hate Burning Man. She's more the fashionista/Sex in the City/owns five Coach bags type. She's a mean drunk and gets jealous really easily. I'm forseeing a trainwreck, but I'm hoping for the best.

Any time I try and prepare her for what's out there she takes it the wrong way and says I'm trying to talk her out of going. Really though, in seven years I've had one minor spat of drama on the playa that involved an unfortunate combination of drugs that were prescribed to me mixed with drugs that were **ahem** not prescribed to me. I don't bring people I'm dating to the playa because I don't want relationship drama out there. I actually do want her to go though... I just refuse to have a bad time while I'm in BRC, and no amount of pissed off girlfriend is going to change that.

I don't really know where I'm going with this... I guess I'm just scared we're gonna fight the whole time because I'm a solo wanderer on the playa. I'll hang out at base camp with her all day, but when I head out to do stuff I like to go by myself. That way I can do whatever I want and it makes me a lot more open to talking to new people. She's expecting me to "show her around" and I've already told her I'm probably going to be running around on my own about 60% of the time and that she'll have more fun just exploring anyway. Anyone have any prior experiences in similar situations they'd like to share? We've been together for a while, living together for about a year. The relationship's solid, but I've seen solid relationships go to shit in the dust on more than one occassion.
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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EB
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Post by EB » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:26 am

I make it a practice to try to bring at least one fresh face to the playa each year so I can "see the event through their eyes."

That said, JIH, the situation you've described has all the makings of a potential train wreck.

As with stereo speakers or a telephoto lens, the rule of thumb is, if you can't bear for it to get dirty, don't bring it to the playa.
Irony. You're soaking in it.

MozyBonz
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Post by MozyBonz » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:33 am

Yes it could be a train wreck…

Just be strait forward and honest like I read you to be.
In my eyes you just say it like it is with no pretence.
I like that about you.

I think you will do fine.

EB wrote:if you can't bear for it to get dirty, don't bring it to the playa.

yep!

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thisisthatwhichis
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Re: Relationships on the playa

Post by thisisthatwhichis » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:34 am

JezebelinHell wrote: She's a mean drunk and gets jealous really easily. I'm forseeing a trainwreck, but I'm hoping for the best.
Jealousy and Playa = Drama Trainwreck

I would say one or both of you are going to need to make a lot of compromises..... You spending more time focused on her, and She accepting your occasional walk-about.

Jealousy is always a Trainwreck waiting to happen. But, hopefully you can both come to a point where neither has a problem with the other's Burn....
TITWI

To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
It's show time, folks.....Joe Gideon

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Dr. Pyro
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Post by Dr. Pyro » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:41 am

This is a disaster waiting to happen, an absolute train wreck for sure. But it would be senseless to waste all of that angst and drama, so I make only one small request: Can I watch?

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Post by MozyBonz » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:42 am

Dr. Pyro wrote:This is a disaster waiting to happen, an absolute train wreck for sure. But it would be senseless to waste all of that angst and drama, so I make only one small request: Can I watch?
Hahahaha Doc!

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thirt33n
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Post by thirt33n » Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:51 am

oh boy.
blow.

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JezebelinHell
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Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:05 am

I'll try and convince her that we need to settle it all in the Thunderdome.
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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thisisthatwhichis
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Post by thisisthatwhichis » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:37 am

hehehe... I'm with Dr Pryo, then. I wanna see that one....... Especially when the combatants get all PDA after the battle.... oooohhh, Sexy!!!!!!
TITWI

To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.
It's show time, folks.....Joe Gideon

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mojo
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Post by mojo » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:43 am

Introduce her to some other people so she has someplace to go when you are not around.

Good luck.

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phil
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Post by phil » Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:49 am

From your description, I'd suggest have separate transportation for her so she can leave without you whenever she's ready. If it goes smoothly, fine and dandy. If not, she hits the road on her own.

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Ron
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Post by Ron » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:31 pm

Sounds to me like each of you may very well have different, and opposing, ideas of what you want from the trip and each other. In as much as that's accurate, I wish you tons of luck, patience, and hydration. I'll bet you'll need 'em. :)

Ron

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JezebelinHell
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Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:35 pm

Already got that part covered, at least. I arrive Monday and she can't get there till Thursday morning. No worries about transport. I guess the issue is that I really really want her to come with me and experience everything and have a really amazing time, but I just don't think she's got any Burner in her, and I think she's gonna be miserable. Not to sound like a selfish prick(although I probably am), but this is the one week a year that I look forward to, and it's always the best week, and I'm not gonna spend one single second of it arguing, coddling, or getting yelled at. If she wants to fight, it's a big playa. I will grab the shit I need and hide somewhere. I'm kind of an insensitive jerk when it comes to being a girlfriend...
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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phil
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Post by phil » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:38 pm

> I guess the issue is that I really really want her to come with me
> and experience everything and have a really amazing time

That's a problem, alright. She's not going to have 'your' experience. No one will but you.

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JezebelinHell
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Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:43 pm

Yeah, the problem is she wants to have 'my' experience exactly right along side me, and part of 'my' experience is that I have it on my own. I think the jealousy is what I'm most worried about... I'm not gonna cheat on her; I've never cheated on anybody. She gets jealous when she finds out I'm hanging out with one of my friends if said friend is female though, regardless of sexual orientation. It probably doesn't help that I've fooled around with most of my friends (I was kind of a whore for a while there) but that's gonna be a bigger problem on the playa. Do you have any idea how many of my Burner buddies I've gotten freaky with? Good lord, it could very well be a bloodbath.
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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CapSmashy
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Post by CapSmashy » Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:02 pm

Jez, we are going to have slightly similar experiences this year. :)

Mrs Smashy is coming out with me this year and she is most defiantly the Coach bag type. Her idea of roughing it on vacation is no room service.

Relationship drama I'm not to worried about as we have dealt with each other's bullshit for 21 years coming up in November. :D


My biggest concern right now is related to her mobility. She reinjured her ankle while we were in Buenos Aires last month and has had trouble doing a lot of walking since. I do have a tricycle on the way for her though, so that should help take care of that issue.

And of course, being in Terminal City means she doesn't have to go far to find entertainment if I'm off chasing dust devils.
Playawaste Raiders cordially invites you to suck it.

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thirt33n
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Post by thirt33n » Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:39 pm

this was my greenman.

my fiance didn't arrive until wednesday.

as much as we believe we take burningman to the default with us,...take a video clip of me an hour before my first playa sunset of the year and then take another clip on thursday just before sunset and there is an undeniable difference. a fire in the eyes and a rumbling of my soul. an emitting feeling of, "oh shit, I'm just about to start spinning like fireworks and slowly build until I'm a mushroom cloud!"

Thing is, when your girl gets there for her first time EVER she'll want her old trusty buddy from the default world to walk her through some shit and chances are she'll see someone she may not even know.

I love my ex-fiance.


I love my solo ride.

I chose the ladder.

It's not the end of the world.



big hug and good luck to you dear.
there is nothing you can do to stop this train.
the more you scheme and worry the more contrived it will seem.

she will see the "different" you the very first second she set eyes on your fire.
blow.

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Greenltdistrict
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Post by Greenltdistrict » Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:58 pm

Well said thirt33n...as the day comes up JezebelinHell try this get as quiet as you can and say

"Creator ..PLEASE help me set aside everything I THINK that I know about _______ so that I may have an open mind and new experience" then keep doing your thing and be aware...may you be amazed and suprised!

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Boijoy
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Post by Boijoy » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:01 pm

Is she hot? I'll babysit her. :lol:
don't forget to floss

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Ugly Dougly
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Post by Ugly Dougly » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:06 pm

Boijoy wrote:Is she hot? I'll babysit her. :lol:
Dude, of course! She owns five Coach bags!

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Post by hunter S » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:16 pm

Jez, your sittuation remindes me of my oldest son's three years ago.
His girlfriend brought a blow dryer! I thought if anything would wipe her out of his life BM would do it! As it turned out she's now DPW hard! & we all love her.
Your attitude may need some ajusting! Don't presume you know how anything is going to be, just bring her & let her figure it out. She might do one of thoughs Burning man morph into a playa goddes things! Then she'll be telling you to stay out of her burn!

Repeat ten times: No exspectations!
Objects behind you may appeare larger than reality!

Courtesy Flush
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Post by Courtesy Flush » Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:34 pm

My wife would hate BM. I know it would never work. That's why -- if I go -- I'll go without her.

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JezebelinHell
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Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:44 pm

Hunter, I really really hope you're right. I love the idea of having her with me at the burn, and nothing would make me happier than her tapping into her inner burner. I guess I'm just really nervous because it's a huge step. The desert does crazy things to people, and I don't want a week of debauchery to fuck up a long-standing amazing relationship. I'll try not to have any expectations... Everyone always says that, but it's impossible not to expect anything.
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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Post by **burn** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:00 pm

Jez -

I came from a wilder side and my husband is a very gentlemanly type. We spent all our time together last year, but this year we have already come to terms that we will do some things separately. He is into the Tesla Coils and Kinetic Sculptures, I want to visit bars, poke smot and dance.

If it's a long term relationship, you may have to babysit her this first year. (You do have some solo time Mon - Thu.) Then next year she will have the nooby washed off and you may end up chasing her.

Hope she finds her inner burn!

burnbaby
Risky

The Booby Bar in
http://terminalvillage.com

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ibdave
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Post by ibdave » Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:44 pm

Jez, I just ordered a case of Micro-popcorn and a few new Lounge chairs.... Just let me know where your going to be camped and I'll set up across the street........ Mozy, you in?? 8) 8) 8)
I was Born OK the 1st Time....

Don't bring defaultia to Burning Man, take Burning Man to defaultia...... graidawg

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trilobyte
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Post by trilobyte » Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:27 pm

Based on what you've written, it's hard to come up with any useful advice. In your own words you're spelling out for a disaster of epic proportions.

But I suspect there's more to it.... which is why you've been with a jealous, mean drunk fashionista for that long.

Yeah, all the regular advice and survival guide stuff. Communication is huge. Respect is also huge. She has to respect that you'll be some kind of burner nutjob by the time she gets there, and you have to respect that she might be unhappy, or that she's happy in a way that's different from yours).

I'd also stress the importance of nutrition. When your body isn't getting enough electrolytes and food and stuff, your moods are the first casualties. You get crabby, etc etc. So on top of all the good playa food you know to bring, make sure you have a good supply of 5-HTP (herbal supplement sold at GNC, helps with seratonin production and improves mood), as well as a solution for replacing electrolytes. Gatorade, Emergen'C, or PediaLyte are ideal sources. I prefer Gatorade because it tastes better to me, and 3-4 cups over the course of the day helps keep me from being a cranky/moody bastard after sweating my ass off for a couple days.

Hope that helps!

Trilo

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theCryptofishist
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Post by theCryptofishist » Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:27 pm

Well it sounds like you'll have a few days alone before she gets there. I suggest giving her the bulk of your time once you do arrive. I used to hate going with Scott, because he'd be all ESD with no time left for me. and I'd end up hanging at camp in case he needed me. I love the man to pieces, but I"m glad I never have to burn with him. Notice, I am allowing you to slip the leash for a couple of hours every day, but my basic suggestion is take care of your needs first and then be with her.
The Lady with a Lamprey

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Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri

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JezebelinHell
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Post by JezebelinHell » Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:30 pm

Haha, the girlfriend LOVES popcorn. If you make it, she will come...

I think I'm getting a little less stressed over this now. I'm just accepting that I have to put aside what I want and be a good girlfriend and make sure she has a good time. It's weird for me because I've only had one other real girlfriend before her, and I'm so used to being fiercely independent. It's hard to get used to the idea of my good time making someone else unhappy (unless that good time involves the rebar death maze, but that's another story). I'll go nuts Mon to Thurs, and when she arrives I'll hang with her till the noob gets good and scrubbed off. Dating is so weird...
"The future is a whore, she promises herself to everyone."
--Poe

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Bob
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Post by Bob » Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:42 pm

I'd suggest gently helping her settle in when she lands on the playa, make believe you haven't had time to see anything, let her take the lead on a grand tour of the art crap & the Esplanade crap, and take it from there.
Amazing desert structures & stuff: http://sites.google.com/site/potatotrap/

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Ugly Dougly
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Post by Ugly Dougly » Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:40 am

And wear mirrored sunglasses.

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