Newlywed - going without my husband?

Kleiner Fallhammer · Post by **Kleiner Fallhammer** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:04 pm

Guys, I really need some advice. I just got married in June. I love him, we're happy. He's never been to BM, I've been three times. It's all good.

This year, I wasn't going. I had been planning on taking that vacation time and money and spending it with new hubby on something we could share - namely, a six-day backpacking trip in the country.
My friends are going, and the planning talk has been just killing me, but I've been ok because hubby and I had plans.

Ok, we're now 2.5 weeks before lift-off. Hubby gets an opportunity that can't be turned down (work related). It's great for him, I'm happy, it will be a wonderful thing in the long-run. Except it ruins our vacation plans. He can't leave. He can't go anywhere. Now I'm stuck at home not going camping, not going to BM.

So...we've started talking, and though it would be pretty stressful with such short notice, I'm thinking of going solo. I would have a group camp to join, but I would be camping on my own and spending 5 nights in my own company.

I desperately want to go. I'm absolutely terrified. I'm afraid I'll be lonely. I'm afraid I'll feel guilty. I'm afraid I'll miss him so much I won't be able to have a good time. I'm afraid (bare with me here), that somehow it's no 'ok' for a newly married woman to go to BM on her own, sans hubby. I mean, am I crazy? Should I stay home with him and just deal with it? Is it insane to plan on going this late in the game? I do have a ticket if I need one. It's also a lot of money to spend for something entirely just about me. It means he's alone for 6 days.

But then, the thought of not going, just staying home, is not ok, either. The thought of just packing up the car and taking off on my own for a week is thrilling - I've done it before, but it was always when I was single, certainly not with a husband. Am I maybe looking for something that was part of my younger, single adult-hood, and not part of my new married life?

I know this is all a lot to digest, but I'm just sitting here mulling it over, realizing that I have 48 hours to make a decision and secure my ticket and spot, or else I'm not going this year. Which might be a good thing...

Thoughts? Feedback? Any other marrieds out there who burn sans spouse? Any trouble keeping your hands to yourself when lucious, nubile youngsters are running about in furry pants waving their belly button rings at you left and right?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:12 pm

You could "Absence makes the Heart Grow Fonder" it and have a spectacular reunion.
How much money is it really? You'd have to pay for eats either way, and maybe you already have most of the camping gear.
Plenty of people go without spouses and keep their marrages intact. If a cutie in fur is enough to disrail it, than you have more serious trouble than 6 days away. (IMHO)
What does your husband say? It depends in part on his comfort level and trust in you.
My general answer is go. My specific answer is only you have the precise information to know whether it's an actual strain on the relationship. I just don't think it's inherently so.
And remember, you can send him postcards and letters every day. Regift all your gifts when you get home, and hit the craft camps and make him keep sakes.

TheJudge · Post by **TheJudge** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:50 pm

I think its perfectly fine to go solo, so long as you establish the groundrules. Besides, you could send him a post card from BRC post office!

As for loneliness, after losing a girlfriend to a guy she met on the playa, I've gone on my own for several years. Loneliness has never been a problem.

SED · Post by **SED** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 4:51 pm

I've been to Burning Man three times, never with my wife. This year I'm going alone, without her OR our toddler and unborn baby (due in Feb).

I don't go to score or even to get away from the missus, but one of the attractions about the Burn is that it's not about my wife and kids.

So you should go. You'll meet folks and have fun. You can always volunteer for anything and that's your posse right there.

paillette · Post by **paillette** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 5:10 pm

Sweetheart, take it from an old married lady (15 years + 8 years of shackin’ up before that): you each need to have a life. The point of a marriage is to keep exciting each other — and that doesn’t happen if you’re joined at the hip 24/7. It’s a partnership, not a mind-meld — and you can only be an interesting partner if you maintain a balance between showing your independence AND your appreciation of what you have together.

My own marriage has often gone back and forth between the two extremes of complete separation (as in: I live in Rome and he in India for a year, with brief telephone calls maybe once every two weeks); and periods of spending nearly every waking hour together. We are widely acknowledged by those who know us to have a very strong marriage, and many of the reasons for that relate to your inquiry:

–We respect one another enough to give each other the space to pursue the things that are important to us as individuals. So, when we need to be apart for various reasons, we realize that those interests and commitments are important, and part of what we love about the other person. Similarly, you wouldn’t smother your hubby by asking him not to pursue something important to him — his commitment to his work, say. Likewise, don’t smother yourself with inappropriate guilt about pursuing something meaningful to you. If one of you has a problem with the other one continuing to be who he/she is — at the same time that you are now a "we" as well — then you need to address that pronto.

–What you bring to the table in a marriage is your own set of experiences and expertises. You should be able to continue that, but also be ready to share it. Someday, I imagine you both will go to BM together — I know you’d enjoy showing him everything you love about it. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t go on your own this time, circumstances being what they are.

—When you see each other again, you’ll be REALLY HAPPY.

After the initial excitement, do make sure you ask about his time apart from you, rather than just bubbling over with your own experience.

—If you do go, make sure that he knows you’re thinking of him – maybe leave behind a little surprise or something he’ll find after you’re gone. Also make sure you’re both on the same page as regards permissible or impermissible

bodily contacts with others — and if you love him, keep to that agreement.

—By the way, my hubby and I are coming as first-timers this year. Another thing that keeps us going is exploring entirely new realms of experience together.

Stormy · Post by **Stormy** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 5:58 pm

I am sure that you can go and have a good time even though you are going to miss your spouse while at Burning Man. While sexual freedom is on the menu for many it's certainly not the main course for the majority of people there. Hell there are plenty of orgies going in all major cities around the country. But how many art festivals that are completely free from commerce and corporate influence in your home town? I love that people are wonderful to each other at Burning Man without there being sexual overtones. Perhaps eliminating that aspect from your experience this year could be very freeing. It will give you time to explore so much more.

My spouse went to Burning Man 7 days earlier than I last year. We were married about 2 months before the Burn. I have to admit that I was a bit nervous as he and I met at an adult theme camp and I knew that he had quite a few lovers in the past. Some who had expressed their displeasure that he was going to be monogamous. It turns out that my insecurity around the issue was needless. If two people truly love each other and are happy with the relationship, there are no serious temptations.

Best wishes on your new marriage and I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

stuart · Post by **stuart** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 6:26 pm

Thoughts? Feedback? Any other marrieds out there who burn sans spouse?

I burn sans spouse. This will be my second year without my wife. The year before that I was on playa for a long time before she showed up.

We are both ultra happy with it this way. I have no problem keeping my hands to myself but that is just me. Sure, you might get some supervised snuggle time in but it's all super harmless. Avoiding the resentment is way more important than any logistical worries.

I am telling you, it is massively liberating to take the 'sex' angle out of burning man. You can operate from a such a position of relaxed security knowing you are not there to try and score, either with your spouse or some unknown other.

Icepack · Post by **Icepack** » Mon Aug 16, 2004 6:47 pm

My now-husband and I met and started dating in the beginning of July 2002. He was already set to go to Burning Man, had the ticket bought and the plans made etc. There was no way I could get the vacation time off on such short notice so he went solo. I helped him pack, helped the theme camp prepare, and logged onto the Burningman website daily to learn all about it (never heard of it before!). He went solo, played by the rules, and came home to me. I questioned him up and down to be sure he'd been loyal, and I (obviously) believe he was. He has more vacation time than I do, so it is possible that next year he will go alone again. The thought of us being apart for that long breaks my heart, but it won't ruin our marriage. It'll just make the ride home from the airport that much more fun!

If your husband is going to be bogged down with work, and you've already got the time off, go for it! Buy a ticket, your stuff together, and do it! There is still plenty of time for you to pull it off. And since you were going to spend time/money on a vacation anyway, you may as well.

heat · Post by **heat** » Tue Aug 17, 2004 8:11 pm

I've gone single and wild, skipped because of brand new "relationboat", gone while coupled, gone when things were shaky.....
all had wonderful lessons, etc. BMan is like an inkblot. What you bring to it is what you see, how you see.
Advice: Don't waste hours everyday riding the bus to Gerlach to call home. Ruins the experience, though doing it once is cool just to check it out. If you have to, find one of us geeks with a satellite phone at our camp and borrow it for a couple minutes.
Also, leave notes, lil gifts around the house everywhere so the poor non burner hubby gets some gifting spirit!
Go. Agree completely that taking the sex out of the mix makes BMan a whole new place for many...it is liberating. It's the one place on earth you can walk up and give a guy props for being hot without a leg-humping fest nescessarily following.
Also: I have gone with a couple days to prepare, and had a great time. But I am an experienced camper and pretty conditioned. Also not very princess-y. Main point is , you can have a great time with not so much fussing.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:18 am

i hear ya. well, not on the marriage part... but on being in a committed monogamous relationship.

my s.o. has wanted to come for years, but can't afford it right now. i would have sponsored him but can't pay for both of us. so he's stuck here looking for work while i off to the desert. we don't like being apart. and while there's a lot of trust in the relationship, boundaries will take definite amounts of conscious navigating at the burn. i'm pretty sure we would have mildly different spins on things. so now it isn't just making decisions based on what's within my parameters, but also what's within his comfort zone - more or less.

i waver between being glad i'm going on my own (we each definitely have our own lives) and realising how much i want to share the playa with him. sometimes i'm concerned about the wild sexual energy of the playa, but looking forward to not having to worry about making those decisions, because i already made them.

you two have the rest of your lives to spend joined at the hip. why dont you come - we'll have girls night without our S.O.s, perhaps (should i be concerned that it looks a lot like SOS?) But do talk first. It might help to solidify why you are going, and what you want to do there.

KitchenGodDave · Post by **KitchenGodDave** » Thu Aug 19, 2004 3:31 pm

Of course everyone on this board is going to tell you to go. Just to be different I'm gonna disagree.

You seem to be someone who frets alot. Don't come we don't need you. Also you will be tempted because single newlywed woman are irresitable to young studs. We bring out the extra charm just to ruin your new marriage. Burning Man requires 300 days of planning - minimum. You should have started marking out the theme camps you are going to visit two weeks ago. There is no way that you can pick out the right PVC nurses outfit to go with your chicken feet and cat-in-the-hat hat at the used clothing stores in time. We all know that it takes several weeks to pour enough water into your canteen to last a week. Honestly woman, what did your mother feed you?

I'm sorry it's final you just can't do it. Don't even try :)

See ya on the playa,
Kitchen God Dave

Newlywed - going without my husband?

Newlywed - going without my husband?

Done it all ways, go!

Should I stay or should I go now?