Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

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maladroit
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by maladroit » Sat Sep 20, 2014 11:45 pm

Some marriages are built to incorporate the fact that two people will never see things exactly the same way. Others, well.......there are a lot of divorces.

Even if both spouses love going to Burning Man, they might loathe the other person's reasons to love Burning Man. The same argument could be had over religion. Or the thermostat setting.

Any sort of relationship works best if there is some give and take. Complete independence from each other is nearly as bad as one-sided sacrifice. If it never feels like work...then it won't work. You aren't close enough if you don't push each other's comfort zone sometimes, you'll drift apart. Sacrificing yourself is easy, people seem to love damaging themselves.

The real test of a relationship is learning to occasionally accept your partner's sacrifices, as they occasionally accept yours. To believe in their belief that you're worth it. If either of you are worried about racking up an emotional debt...if someone is keeping track...the tree that will become your divorce papers is already growing out there.

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BootKickingStrumpet
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by BootKickingStrumpet » Sun Sep 21, 2014 10:21 pm

What was the outcome? Did you go?
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” ― Peter F. Drucker

kiboy
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by kiboy » Mon Sep 22, 2014 7:41 am

DesertDragon0554 wrote:I'm planning to go for the first time next year and my husband is not thrilled. Even if we won the lottery and never had to worry about money again, Burning Man would just NOT be his thing, not in the least. The fact of the matter is that we are pending divorce (maybe) and I finally decided to start doing things for myself and stop backing down evertime he complains about something (everything.) He thinks I must be going so I can do copious amounts of illegal drugs and have sex with strangers...because why else would anyone go to Burning Man? :roll: On the flip side, he's going to help me with my builds because he loves to fabricate. For the most part, my venture out to the playa next year has everything to do with a new outlook on life, with or without a supportive spouse. I don't want to be a co-dependant married to someone who second guesses my every move. I need to empower myself and be radically self reliant while finding out who *I* am...something I lost somewhere along the way.

So just curious...but does anyone else go have fun and leave the spouse at home?
Sure have. And good for you stepping out on your own brave one. This will be a really amazing experience for you and likely just what you need to take your dreams of self reliance to the next level. I understand how it is in a relationship where you are at opposite ends of the spectrum. I also think it's great that your husband is willing to help on any level.

If I may make this one suggestion. Go through the theme camps and print out some of them that are things he might like himself and share them with him. Not to convince him to love the man but rather to let him get a clearer picture of what burning man is about. I can't help but feeling great when reading the blurbs on the registered theme camps. Some feel so friendly and inviting that I just yearn to be there with the people who think to create such stuff. The very best of luck to you. I'll be going solo in 2015 also.

OOPS just realized this is already a done deal. :oops:

Don't believe everything you think.

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mdmf007
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by mdmf007 » Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:43 pm

Tin Halo wrote:
mdmf007 wrote: Too her BMAN is a den of illicit, shady, bohemian anti-christ activities, from which there is no escape
....aaaaannnnd her point...?

I know exactly! Some people will never get.

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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Fan C » Tue Sep 23, 2014 10:58 am

mdmf007 wrote:Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

15 years now, well 14 I guess. The first year I happened by it on accident while getting diesel in Gerlach with about 30 of my mates on an job. Gone every year since.

The wife hates the event, and every thing she sees in the media. Too her BMAN is a den of illicit, shady, bohemian anti-christ activities, from which there is no escape

I love the logic there. So if there's no escape how do you get home? Why would she let you come home after that?

I find it facinating that a couple can stay together after 14 years of you being a part time illicit, shady, bohemian anti-christer.

:P

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Dr Helix
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Dr Helix » Tue Sep 23, 2014 11:54 am

ranger magnum wrote:I had a spouse that wouldn't go with me.

Emphasis on had.

Things were going downhill anyway.

Met a nice gal one year.

Now I have a spouse that does go with me.
Same same, except it wasn't going downhill. More of a down then a long plateau.
"Love, Rockets and write when you get work"

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Monkeystyle
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Monkeystyle » Tue Sep 23, 2014 8:47 pm

I went to burning man this year for the first time after wanting to go for the last 13 years. the last 4 years I have been held back by guilt from my fiancée, this year I said the hell with this, I'm going no matter what. she wasn't happy and guilted me every step of the way that I was going and she wasn't, forget the fact that she was working and had told me before that she wouldn't want to go if she had the chance. so what was the outcome? I realized that the two of us have nothing in common anymore other then a house and dog. I'm now in the process of ending the relationship, figuring out what's going to happen with the house and the dog, and figuring out how to make things work once this is all over with a fellow camp mate that I connected with in ways I never thought I could ( nothing physical happened between us at burning man, I'm not a bastard) and that I am crazy about.

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TomServo
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by TomServo » Tue Sep 23, 2014 9:50 pm

Here's a backwards story...
In 1999, my wife insisted we go, after our Betty Page look alike neighbor returned from 98... I didn't want to go..wasn't fond of the idea of spending a week in the desert. But, I relented and took her. I fell in love with Burning man...she hated it. I suspect she wanted us to get into swinging, as she had mentioned it before..but I wasn't down. We never found that swinging scene...but I found all kinds of inspiration. Long story short...we divorced..her words to me.."Your just TOO into this Burning Man shit!"
anything worth doing is worth overdoing..

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Savannah
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Savannah » Wed Sep 24, 2014 2:56 pm

Monkeystyle wrote:I went to burning man this year for the first time after wanting to go for the last 13 years. the last 4 years I have been held back by guilt from my fiancée, this year I said the hell with this, I'm going no matter what. she wasn't happy and guilted me every step of the way that I was going and she wasn't, forget the fact that she was working and had told me before that she wouldn't want to go if she had the chance. so what was the outcome? I realized that the two of us have nothing in common anymore other then a house and dog. I'm now in the process of ending the relationship, figuring out what's going to happen with the house and the dog, and figuring out how to make things work once this is all over with a fellow camp mate that I connected with in ways I never thought I could ( nothing physical happened between us at burning man, I'm not a bastard) and that I am crazy about.
Congratulations on extricating yourself from the situation; I hope it'll go as smoothly as possible for both of you.

. . . I'm guessing that if she had been supportive and you had tons more in common, things might've ended differently (but it didn't and surely that's for the best). A relationship between a Burner and non-Burner can work just fine, but . . . the Burn is so large in terms of time commitment, finances, culture, outlook etc . . . that if there are things in the relationship that are less than optimum, the Burn shines a big ol' light directly on them (and gives you an uninterrupted week of thinkin' time).
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Joeln
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Joeln » Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:47 pm

Lots of good stories here!

My wife, Ellen, and daughter, Cameron, and I all decided to go about year ago.
Meanwhile, I was finishing the process of deciding to divorce.
I told her in November and moved out in January.
We burned in separate camps & our plans to share responsiblity for Cameron had some bumps in the road.
Bringing Annie, my new sweetheart got under Ellen's skin & Cameron struggled a bit.

Long story short: despite the issues we all loved it and want to go back.
Annie and I had a wonderful 10 days together (even when I was a bit of a stress-case.)
Now I have to figure out how to up the ante for participation next year...
Collapse first and avoid the rush

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dana
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by dana » Wed Sep 24, 2014 4:48 pm

DesertDragon0554 wrote:. The fact of the matter is that we are pending divorce (maybe) and I finally decided to start doing things for myself and stop backing down evertime he complains about something (everything.) ?
If you guys don't end up divorced (or even if you do) you might like to check out a book I thought was kind of cool. 'The Marriage Sabbatical' I usually flip through those kinds of books in the store and get the gist pretty quick. I've met so many couples that need to sort out this for themselves. My dad was always adventurous, wanting to sail around the world but he never did, blaming my mother who wasn't keen on it. Sad to say but now I wonder whether his failing mind might have something to do with always caving in and giving up on his passions. Regrets for the path not taken sucks!

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Monkeystyle
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Monkeystyle » Wed Sep 24, 2014 10:01 pm

Congratulations on extricating yourself from the situation; I hope it'll go as smoothly as possible for both of you.

. . . I'm guessing that if she had been supportive and you had tons more in common, things might've ended differently (but it didn't and surely that's for the best). A relationship between a Burner and non-Burner can work just fine, but . . . the Burn is so large in terms of time commitment, finances, culture, outlook etc . . . that if there are things in the relationship that are less than optimum, the Burn shines a big ol' light directly on them (and gives you an uninterrupted week of thinkin' time).
Thank you! Its been a long time coming, we almost broke up last year but decided to stick it out and try, then bought a house and got engaged, but looking back on everything it all felt like bandaid fixes to much larger problems. the biggest issues now with leaving are what to do with the house and who gets the dog.

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TomServo
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by TomServo » Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:13 am

Sometimes its best to meet your soulmate at the burn..in my case 2 years ago..FUCK NO! But last year, I think I found her. Still deeply in love with her, and we still make each other laugh.
anything worth doing is worth overdoing..

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Dr Helix
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Dr Helix » Thu Sep 25, 2014 1:19 pm

Joeln wrote:Lots of good stories here!

My wife, Ellen, and daughter, Cameron, and I all decided to go about year ago.
Meanwhile, I was finishing the process of deciding to divorce.
I told her in November and moved out in January.
We burned in separate camps & our plans to share responsiblity for Cameron had some bumps in the road.
Bringing Annie, my new sweetheart got under Ellen's skin & Cameron struggled a bit.

Long story short: despite the issues we all loved it and want to go back.
Annie and I had a wonderful 10 days together (even when I was a bit of a stress-case.)
Now I have to figure out how to up the ante for participation next year...

You've got some big stones my friend. Your ex, girlfriend and daughter? I would have guessed a full meltdown for sure. Glad it worked out as well as it did.
"Love, Rockets and write when you get work"

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tattoogoddess
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by tattoogoddess » Sat Sep 27, 2014 7:10 pm

I think it takes a lot of trust and respect to go alone to burning man.
I had the blessing of John to go this year alone if I could get a ticket (it didn't work out)

From the day him and I started dating he was curious about burning man. We met online. I had that burning man was a big thing to me on my profile. I showed him a few videos and movies about burning man and he said he wanted to go.
I laid it out to him what I exspected of him if he came and what was to be exspected of me. I had to do this due to the disaster of 2013 going with my now ex. I laid out what my boundaries were and what makes me tick, he did the same. I told him what issues I had put there in 2013. He validated those whole heartedly and didn't understand why the shit I had happened, happened. It may sound bossy or overly concerned, but the burn can push the limits of the relationship.
Cheating, no emotional support and binders are the demise of a relationship, I can say this from first hand knowledge.

I met my ex on the playa. I should have known better getting into a relationship and having this person move cross country after them just getting out a year long treatment program. My father Is an 18 year recovering addict and my moms ex is a daily abuse drunk. But.... I put caution to the wind and settled. I had been single for over 4 years, not by choice. I didn't listen to the little voice in my head saying no, no, no. But that is said and done. I learned a lot and learned a lot about me and how strong I can be and to hold my ground.


I'm now with an amazing person who I have yet to find a flaw after 8 months together and 3 months living together. He is my rock, my love, my moon. I hope all of you will love him to. (Trying to get him on here)
maladroit- Burning Man is like a second job, except you pay to work there.
Burning Man is just the pre party for exodus! - fellow burner during exodus

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maryanimal
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by maryanimal » Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:25 pm

Danielle, I'm glad you found happiness with John. Every now and then we make these HUGE mistakes in our lives, we learn from them and we move on to live our happy lives! I've heard only good things from people about coming without a spouse/partner/SO. I love coming to the playa by myself. If I had someone in my life, that would be a great perk. And if my SO didn't want to go, that's ok too. However, trust is this unspoken wonderment, there is no place for jealousy in a relationship, and the realization that having different interests is good!

I hope you and John can make it next year! :D
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by Shoeshine » Thu Oct 16, 2014 8:58 pm

Ill go ahead and throw in my $.02.

This past year was my 5th year going without my wife. Just not her thing. Hates camping, hates porto potties even more. Though I have offered to take her every year if she wants.

The first year was kind of hard. There are of course all those media misconceptions that can fuel jealousy and fear. I had read about the event for years and was determined to go. So in part to calm her fears (not justified I am quite happy (with the usual caveats) in our relationship going on 15 years) I took her brother. He took it in, sort of liked it, but never came back. I fell in love with the thing. I also promised to wear my wedding ring all week. silly I know, but I don't usually (I work in a shop where it could be dangerous).

I am a fabricator. I have built an art car, co-built a theme camp, and was one of many who came together to build a temple. The emphasis on these things, I choose what stories to bring home, makes it way less threatening to her.

Now she brags to her friends and colleagues about the stuff I make, and posts more pictures on FB about the event than I do. In fact she is making me put together the art car for our Halloween party this year. But it definitely has been a journey.

So yes, it is quite possible.
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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by TomServo » Sun Oct 19, 2014 3:02 am

If you love your husband, encourage him to go..or at least let him meet people you are going with. Be open, and be straight forward. Find out where the live cam is, and send him a message of love..but most of all, follow your heart.
anything worth doing is worth overdoing..

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Re: Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

Post by bluemiragemi » Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:33 am

My partner doesn't want to go with me. She highly considered it because she missed me so much for the week I was gone...and I've heard other spouses say that's why they end up going...but she won't commit yet this year and I will not push her.

She can come if she wants to. I have all the gear set up. Left my stuff in Reno this year.

But if she doesn't come, I'm still going. Planning and camping without her. A healer I spoke with at the Heebeegeebees camp told me that he's gone without his wife for many years. He just reassures her why HE is going there and they have boundaries in their relationship that are set up well for both of them. Boundaries create space. Know what you and your partner decide is best for each individual, and together, and stick to what you say and feel.

Just like in the *default world* the same rules apply to the *playa*. Trust, faith and communicate.
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