Hercules

[vulvasaur]

We met Tuesday night in a garden, SlutGarden to be exact. I was hooping for the first time in a while, when you came up and challenged me to show you my moves. A shot of adrenaline rushed through me, I stumbled a little bit but as the hoop travelled down my body I knew it couldn't end like that, and I pulled it up and over and jumped into it. I wanted to impress you, to impress myself.

We were so close to each other instantly. You asked to kiss me and we did but I wasn't sure it was what I wanted. You noticed and asked if it was okay and it put me at ease, to know that you were listening to my body.

You asked me to tell you my life story in 45 seconds. Even though this is my life calling, to speak spontaneously and freely about my own truth, my mind raced and I blurted it out. You gazed into my eyes and listened intently.

You told me your name was Hercules. I told you my name, and you told me it was like yours, it was a flower that started with a C. But I was careless and didn't think anything of it, taken up with your playa name, Hercules, my favorite Greek hero, my favorite movie as a kid, my golden god, Hercules.

We started to play a game, where each person would ask the other a question. I asked you where was home and my soul lifted when you smiled and said that was a good question with a complicated answer. For some reason, I could tell you were a nomad.

It was your turn. You asked me my biggest insecurity and inside I froze. Any other time I could look away and put on a new face and answer with a lesser one, convincing the other person as well as myself while still keeping myself, not revealing too much. But we were gazing into each other's eyes, and I couldn't. If it was any other day at Burning Man, I could have faced it but not the first night. I wasn't ready. So I decided to dazzle you with a different, separate truth masquerading as an answer. For it was true - I do believe that I am the Earth, and I must keep everything inside, drawing others into me. But to conflate this presence with my own fears - that was a diversion, meant to keep myself intact.

We kept switching back and forth, one person would dance as the other person would think of a question, then we would return into each other's arms. I kept asking questions with yes or no answers. When I look back at this moment it boggles my mind, that I could only think of narrow questions and abstract philosophical queries when now that you are not here I have so so so many. Like how was your day, what did you do? What brought you to Burning Man? Why did you come to SlutGarden tonight? What turns you on, what excites you? Tell me about your childhood, your family. Tell me a favorite memory. Tell me your story Hercules! So so so many questions, but my questions were limited by my own pursuit of knowledge. Instead of honoring our moment of connection I needed to get something out of it, I needed to get the answers to my questions about the human condition and our ability for global transformation and also impress you with how much I'd been thinking about. I wanted to give you good brain (literally) but most of all I wanted you to be dazzled by me and my mind.

And I couldn't just let you kiss me, I needed to draw back and look slyly to the side so that you thought maybe I didn't want you after all, and only then I pounced on your lips. I needed to be in control. And I couldn't let you know that I needed you.

But you weren't like me. You were honest, you put yourself out there for me to examine. You told me about your fears, you met my challenges and dived into the intricacies of giving your life to competition. You were inquisitive and challenged my answers and from your challenge I saw that the answer was infinitely more complex and our game would fall apart as we went back and forth, connecting and communicating over comprehending the meaning of life.

At some point, we sat down and I was on top of you. We hadn't moved from SlutGarden, but we were in our own world, contained by the hula hoop. We'd kiss and enjoy the heat flowing through our bodies and then I'd remind you to ask the question and amazingly, we cooled down, determined to continue our game.

Finally, reasonably, you suggested moving somewhere to cuddle. But I was scared. It's a pretty standard story, too many past experiences of losing myself to another, using that person to prop me up when I was low and in the process letting them take advantage of me. And whereas before I'd always said yes to every sexual impulse of my body, my mind was my master for the past year, and I convinced myself that denying my sexual desire was necessary to funnel into my creative passions. And so for the past year I'd been saying no. No no no I need to stay intact I need to be myself on my own I need to be me.

And how can I be with anyone if I wasn't even sure I was the person I wanted to be? But I didn't realize that you were my pressure, that I was creating myself in your eyes.

I tried to tell you Hercules! I tried to explain that my insecurity was to be an island. But you looked at me puzzled, the first moment of disconnection, and the fear took over me, and I instantly switched my story, I told you that being an island was my destiny, that was who I am and that was how it was. I didn't do it deliberately, but in the moment I thought I was telling the truth. At that time I couldn't even admit my fear that being an island was not a choice, that I was shipwrecked. And to face the fact that I am no different from anyone else, that all I want is to love and be loved and be held in someone's arms, I want to feel your sun energy and let it shine over me I want to become one with you and lose myself, I couldn't do it. I had to hold onto myself.

And in this confused state of mind, I tried to make my farewell and get out as soon as I could. And so I vaguely made a note that your camp was close, and that gave me hope that this was not a final farewell, you'd be around so I could better explain myself eventually. I wasn't ready but I wanted to be ready. And so I walked away from you with purpose, feeling as though I just barely made it, my body still flush with your feeling.

If only I had met you another night! I could have gazed into your eyes and locked your name, your location into my memory so that you would never be lost. As it turns out I only have your eyes, and your words, burned into my mind. And even though I went about the next couple of days with my arms stretched as wide as I could, embracing the spirit of the social experiment that is Burning Man, I was amazed to find how far you had burrowed into my mind. You were already inside me! How did you do that Hercules???

It took me a couple days and a workshop on love to begin processing what had happened. By denying myself my pleasure, I thought that I had mastered my desire, able to coolly and calmly remain collected, contained. I thought I was being self-possessed. But to deny for the sake of itself is its own kind of self-obsession. And I denied our connection, I denied your impact on me. I took from you, I took your curiosity and your lust and your feeling and your knowledge and your way of thinking and your joy and I kept it for myself. And I didn't return it, I didn't express how much I loved to live in our moments, to feel your pressure, to feel spontaneous, to be challenged in the moment, to impress you, to make you smile, to gaze into your eyes, to kiss your lips, to feel your touch, to feel your body, to feel loved, and to feel worthy of being loved. But even though my eyes gleam and I live to dazzle and thus I do an extraordinary job of hiding it, I didn't believe the last part about myself. How can I believe in you believing in me if I don't believe in myself?

Of course, by this part I have fully transformed into a crazy person! This split - the surface of a placid lake hiding a turbulent ocean - must sound exhausting, much more than anyone could bargain for. And so I don't blame myself for walking away, for wanting you to remain free of this tangled web of insecurity and emotions. If I wasn't ready then I wasn't ready and you shouldn't have to wait around (for you deserve a person who chooses you with 1000% of their intention, of their soul!!) But to leave as if our encounter was nothing to me, without any means of returning to you - the thought of it drove me insane! I even searched for you Hercules! I asked random passerbys in your neighborhood, I even shouted your name into the heavens over and over - HERCULES! HERCULES! HERRRCUUUULEEEEEEES! I surrendered and stretching the confines of reason, I did everything I could. But i guess that's what happens; by careening so far to one side, refusing to lose myself, I was destined to swing fully to the other side, and lose all control.

I've always agreed with the sentiment that there are no regrets, everything happens for a reason, what happened is the only thing that could have happened. But I still wonder about you. And even as I go about my life at full speed, filling myself with activity because there's no time! the world needs me right now, on the playa, performing multiple times at Centre Camp, altering people's auras, converging with random people, being in the present, in the default world, working on my art, planning and scheming and writing and dreaming - even as I commit to being my own lover once more, I dream of you. Of course in the day its easy, but even in my sleep, just this morning, you came down from the skies as I was waiting in line and I lunged at you and kissed you hungrily and you smiled at my ways and I held you in my arms. Wow.

[when] will I see you again?

[Lonesomebri]

He called himself Hercules? And not ironically? And you're vulvasaur? I hope you find each other, this is a match that deserves to blossom.

[ygmir]

He called himself Hercules? And not ironically? And you're vulvasaur? I hope you find each other, this is a match that deserves to blossom.

with a name like that, she must ride a unicycle.........