Suicidal Tendencies

[Canoe]

... I packed him a special lunch with a card that plays a birthday song in armpit noises. ...

and?
we have to know how this goes...

[GreyCoyote]

Jax, we have never met, but my shoulders are yours if you need 'em.

Serious question: do you like horses? Mine saved me once. PM me if interested in discussing it.

[Jax Dee]

I'm sorry I decided to have such a spectacular meltdown all over social media but I suppose when you're housebound there are not a lot of option. Sleep deprivation was def amplifying everything as well as some personal family illness and stress that made me feel even more helpless as I couldn't do anything to help.

Jkisha, thank you for the very practical answer of telling me to hand my posts over to the hubby to read. That was easier than trying to talk first and of course once he saw everything it initiated the convo I needed to be having. We are working some help out for me and I see my therapist Monday.

Canoe, thank you for the straight talk and the hotline number, tho I do have that already. I just didn't use it that night cause I was having phone phobia issues.

Gyre, BB, and the others who commented or pm'd, thank you for the simple kind words of support. It helps more than you know.

I am not all better or anything but I am finally talking to the right people and maybe that will get me somewhere else than frustrated.

And yes I love horses. I learned how to ride before I could walk actually. But it is another passion that my betraying body has stolen from me and I have not been out riding in years. I'm lucky if I leave the damn apartment.

The armpit song card was a cafeteria hit with the 5th graders. It also made curmudgeon grampa laugh out loud later when shared. Success.

[theCryptofishist]

(((((JaxDee)))))

[gyre]

Verily

[delle]

Jax… Your words, for all their terrible truth, are the most important I’ve read in here, post burn. Is it odd that after all the fun THIS is the thread I find myself gravitating towards?

The truth can be ugly and jagged and downright putrid. Where is it to go? Upon whom can we inflict it?

Not our loved ones… They suffer our awful consequences daily. We learn to shield them from what we consider superfluous pain….

And yet it is the absolute crux. Most Important. Most revealing. It puts everything into perspective.

It is the ultimate apology to the affected, this truth. The ultimate cry of the afflicted. Guttural and piercing and heart ripping.

For all we can not do, (a woefully long list), we can be the ears who hear your cries which MUST be heard by someone. Preferably by someone who cares.

We care, and we are listening.

[AntiM]

Jax, just catching up. I hope it went well with your therapist, and you are on a better path. All I can send is love and keep you in my best thoughts.

[Elliot]

Hey Jax Dee, I'm just catching up also.

You do not need to apologize for participating here on ePlaya. That's what it -- and we -- are for.

Wonderful that you showed this thread to your husband. Good move!

So what did you discuss with your therapist last Monday? I saw mine today. Professionals really can help us. But it was friends who helped me most, and we are here with you.

Keep us posted please!

-Elliot

[Ratty]

((Jax)) Keep in touch with us. It's NOT a ghoulish interest. We care. You are one of us. Just coming from the Playa makes us all the more protective of you. Hugs for you.

[delle]

Does anyone have access to Jax? I no longer have access to her on Facebook.

Is she ok?

[Elliot]

She once posted her e-mail address, quite some time ago. But I'm not sure how we could dredge that up. I don't even remember if it was in this thread. Ideas?

[delle]

Thanks, Elliott. Patsh had it.

[Jax Dee]

I got your email today Delle. I'm sorry I went missing in action for a while there. I don't know if I'm doing better per se, but I'm not getting worse right now at least. For those of you who are my facebook friends you can't see me anymore on there because I temporarily deactivated my account. I realized there was a lot of things feeding my anger and depression and I felt it healthier if I just shut it down. I didn't mean to panic anybody or to shut you out, but I just need to very focused on myself right now and avoid things that upset me. My hands have been cramping pretty badly so the fact that I can't really type well is also affecting my communication with those of my friends not near me. I'm using my voice recognition on my phone right now to post this. sorry for any typos. I've been seeing my therapist very regularly and she has helped me simply by being someone who listens. A great deal of my frustration built up because I felt I wasn't being heard by the people who mattered and she is someone who hears me and who makes me feel heard and helps me communicate that to the people I need to. She feels very strongly right now thst I need more than talk therapy but I haven't been able to find a psychiatrist who can see me before December. I don't feeling bad enough yet nor do I want to be committed to a hospital to receive immediate care. I managed to get a plane ticket October 11th to go to California and see my family. I'm looking forward to this visit with all my heart and it is literally the only thing keeping me together right now. My goal is to just not get any worse and hold it together long enough to see my family. I figure after that I'm allowed to break down and admit myself to the hospital if need be. My hubby and I discussed all this and he is doing his absolute best to support me though I don't know if he really understands. this forum is so important to me precisely because they feel that you understand me. You probably will never truly know the impact all of you have on my life for the positive. thank you so much. I will try not to be such a stranger as the future plays out and I will try to keep you updated so as my friends you don't worry.I am often more comfortable with the written word than or otherwise so this forum and email is the best way to reach me and to reach out to me. My email is palefenix at yahoo. feel free to shoot me messages the way I can always promise I'll be up to communicating. Again thank you all so much.

[delle]

I'm so very happy to read all this, Jax. It's sane and intellectually healthy and alive.

I hope you have an healing time with your family, and that you feel able to take the next step... which may well hold positive solutions for you for the physical and resulting emotional side.

Feel lucky that virtual hugs don't hurt, because I have a feeling alot of people are hugging you very HARD right now!!!

[Elorrum]

Jax, I hope you view this picture in the loving armpit tune tone with which I offer it. Please continue your adventure, and know that I am listening as well.

[delle]

Um, and really? Voice Recognition?

I've got to get me some of THAT!!!

[Jax Dee]

Elorrum! You made me laugh so hard! I remember when you made that image for my epic adventure thread. So much crap that turned into so much fun. I have a Droid Razr M and it comes with voice recognition in multiple languages automatically. It is the best thing I've ever gotten on a phone for free. it is surprisingly accurate most of the time. If I put it in the UK English mode it even spells all the silly Australian words I use correctly. Thank you again and hugs to all of you as well.

[ranger magnum]

Jax,

Your strength and courage to face this and speak about it amazes me. I cannot think of any words to say to you, so I will admire you in silence from far away....

[Elliot]

What Ranger Magnum said!

[Jax Dee]

I had a Dr appointment at a pain management center today and it was so wonderfully rewarding to meet a Dr who took the time to listen to me and go over my issues for over 2 hours. He's ordered a new full MRI of my back, is reviewing my files and case with the other doctors and specialists that he's bringing in, and even managed to find me a psychiatrist who can see me this month as opposed to next year. I see him again next Monday. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling hopeful. Wish me luck.

[gyre]

Happier days, Jax.

[delle]

Fabulous news, Jax.

I don't think there's anything quite so disheartening as a doctor who you feel just isn't listening... That they've made up their mind about you from the get-go and haven't really heard a word you've said.

Their final "diagnosis" feels like a bomb in your stomach surrounded by layers of icky, acidic negativity. You end up leaving feeling belittled and maligned and judged... and raped. You entrusted them with your body and they just went ahead and thrust their shit all over it.

The worst are the sermons. You'd think they'd see your body crumble before them as they start their "sermons" and realize that they're doing harm. Some can't help themselves.

It sounds like you finally got yourself someone who is going to REALLY HELP.

Golden!!

This may well be the blessed turning point. Please, please, please!!!!

[Elliot]

Jax Dee, such wonderful news!

Keep us posted, please. We love good news.

[delle]

[quote="Elliot".
Keep us posted, please. We love good news.[/quote]

Actually, we're pretty much news gluttons and will hungrily gobble up anything thrown in our direction, but yes it's the good news that we love the best!

[ygmir]

Love it Jax!! keep us posted, we're loving, but nosey!!

[Ratty]

Jax, That sounds very promising. I'm smiling for you and sending happy thoughts.

[Jax Dee]

Delle you captured that feeling of degrading dismissal perfectly. I think the past year and a half of awful non-care really traumatized me further. Getting up the courage to even try again took so much energy. But it feels good to have some very caring medical personnel on my side now. It really does make all the difference. I'm not gonna get better over night but this is definitely the right first steps towards that goal.

[burner von braun]

Jax Dee, I am just now catching up to this thread, and want you to know that I too hope you are able to find a brighter path very soon. We are here for you.

(((Jax Dee)))

[Canoe]

...Dr appointment at a pain management center ...

I was on morphine three times a day. By eliminating coffee and cola drinks from my diet, in one week I went to needing morphine once or twice a week. In the following months and for some years:

• a serving of coffee or cola drink would aggravate the pain to prior levels for two to three days before tapering off.
• Tea did not have an affect (I have dozens of types).
• Decaffeinated coffee also did not have an affect.
• But a serving of decaffeinated coffee along with a serving of tea (or other caffeine source, typically some soft drinks) within roughly a half day of each other would have the same pain aggravation as having regular coffee.

This gives the appearance that the culprit is something that is in coffee other than caffeine (alkaloids?), combined with a source of caffeine (of course both are in non-decaffeinated coffee).

Over ten years later, I can now tolerate an occasional serving of coffee or cola drink, but experience an increase in pain levels, be it minor to moderate, for one to three days, along with a one in three chance of triggering significant pain. Over the past couple of years I slowly discovered cold brewed coffee, which - for reasons unknown has not triggered an episode of significant pain - so far.

As with all pain patients, your results may vary, greatly. But eliminating coffee from one's diet is very low cost to try.

[Aurelia]

Hell Jax,
just catching up after a bit
Please let me know if you are in the Bay Area and wanna hang out
my only addiction right now is gelato so I might bring some over
xoA.