Suicidal Tendencies

[Elliot]

About what Canoe said.... Caffeine is a poison, quite simply. Boy, did I get a lesson when I was hospitalized for three days with what turned out to be primarily sleep deprivation.

Go, go go, Jax! Get better!

[Jax Dee]

I hate coffee and have never had it. I quit soda over a year ago. I noticed no real effect from it except my skin is clearer cause I drink more water now.

Don't take this the wrong way please...but other people telling me I might feel better if (insert suggestion here) is a huge part of my anger and depression. I know people mean well but we are all different. I am not here to solicit advice. I am here because I am experiencing suicidal ideation and needed a healthier outlet than self harm or screaming at my loved ones.

I have been living with this shit for 10 years. Trust me, I know what helps and what makes it worse. Thank you for the spirit the advice was meant in though. I know it comes from a place of caring.

[gaminwench]

(((Jax)))

[Sham]

Hey Jax. I think we all by nature want to try to find just the right magic words that will make everything better. No one can know the frustration you're going through, but I am glad you have a friendly outlet here to share your thoughts.

Vent and scream here if you need to and keep in mind that we all want to give you that healing hug that will make the world good for you.

My magic words are: We are here for you!

[moonrise]

Whoa, fuck coffee for we pain peeps...Ima quit me thinks since it does something unhelpful to the nerves and just isn't worth it. I think I like a tank of oxygen these days, wow, what a great feeling, haha! Seriously! That and my humidified CPAP, wow I love these things, drug free and they work wonders...

I just got out of the hospital, for the SECOND TIME, since this past spring...sooo, it seems I have a mild case of type 2 diabetes (fuck!) but I'll manage...and I now know what the fuck is going on with my health a bit more (long story for another day) 'cept to say I got great treatment by good docs and advice and can see things improving ever so slowly but truly improving (as long as I follow the semi-costly advice, erg)...

Jax, we've Pm'd extensively....you know how I feel about back surgery. In short BE CAUTIOUS (call your local malpractice lawyers in the area and ask how many law suits have been filed against your back cutter surgeon...I wish I had!!) and there are zero guarantees they can fix the spine, yet! Corny but TRUE...Time can heal wounds and I wish I could go back in time and NOT have allowed my back surgery to have occurred (studies show 10 yrs later the same results can be just as good without any surgery!!) Human touch is healthy and so much more...even the gentle brushing of your husbands fingers against your painful areas can being healing...

Facebook, I read an article that stated it can be depressing b/c everyone always posts just the GOOD things about their lives, so I let mine run amuck and barely look at it, too funny...the shit that I liked and thumbed up etc etc just runs like colored candle wax and I don't give a hoot, for now. I do respond to important messages from time to time but for now I'm not a big facebookie...heh heh. Post some BAD (or truthful) news once in a while you facebookers, keep it real, sheesh! "get it" will ya's

So Jax, I'll never ever forget how you took control of the wheel of the MoonMobile that biazare night when that gal clonked that drunk dude over the head with a Champagne bottle, dragged his rag doll body off the huge piano like party barge and chucked him on the ground and the party barge sorta floated away, whoa! We were all in quite a shock as I recall...you were the strong one that night!!! Thanks kiddo! I'll leave out the names of the rest of us that night, for now....heh heh...
Btw, as Fishy says, Burning man is Hippie-esque with a Sturgis core, and she's damned spot on IMHO! What a night....(that was in 2012)....sweet memories I hope soon to be regained by we pain peeps....(not the Champagne bottle fight but the overall burn, ya know...)

Be well Jax and anyone else suffering poor health at the moment...

Much love, Moon

[delle]

Jax has now put a foot down into the Pain Management Clinic world and found it to be soft and comfortable and helpful. A surprising and oh-so-welcome change from the bear-trap-loaded system she's become accustomed to over the last couple of years.

The big difference is about to come.



Think of yourself as a picture. Lets say it's a picture of a dog lying on on the grass in the sun in front of a house. So far this is what has happened.

The Vet saw only the dog in your picture and was concerned that he was a tad overweight. No biggie. Walk him more. Feed him better. Give him water and a healthy dose of sun and shade. He'll be fine.

The Roofer was concerned only with the state of your shingles. Slap some new ones on pronto and this picture will be much prettier.

The Architect said, “Yeah, but what about that slope? Isn't it a bit off?”

The Structural Specialist pointed to some cracking beams. This should fix everything.

The Carpenter showed up with jack-posts.

The Mason pointed out the crumbling in some of the mortar of the west stone wall -- which probably was causing the roof to slope strangely. He offered only his own services at an exorbitant price, making it clear there was no alternative.

The Carpenter argued this wasn't as structural as the Mason maintained, and offered to reclad it at a fraction of the price.

Meanwhile, a passing Horticulturalist pointed out that your grass was riddled with weeds and needed treatment. A Meteorolisit piped in that rain was necessary to the grass being greener, and since there was no chance of rain on the horizon, you may want to get a sprinkler.

Reno Depot showed up to offer a slew of sprinkling systems, pointing out that gardening tools are also on special, for a limited time only.

All this activity has worked the dog into an asthmatic frenzy which has caused him to wrap his chain around his pole so his bark has become choked and pathetic. You can see the SPCA truck rounding the corner, siren wailing.


And there you barely stand, picture tattered and torn from all the handling, wanting only to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERY ONE OF YOU!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!



Enter the Wizard.

He gently takes your picture, carefully flattens it back out and gives it a good hard look.

He is concerned about the overall picture, which doesn't seem quite right. Although he looks at the dog and the house and the brightness of the sun and colour of the grass, his eye stops at none of them as being the one thing that's off....

He's looking at composition and flow - scanning everything from pixelation to print quality. What he wants is for you to be happy and comfortable with Your Picture. And he has the skills and the tools and the resources to change it all.

And you smile. Someone is seeing the whole picture. Someone cares about its quality.

You feel you're finally in safe hands, and you breathe again. A breath full of the sweet taste of hope.


THAT'S what it's like.

[Patsh]

Well put, once again, Delle!
You certainly have a way with words!

[delle]

Lord knows I use enough of them!!!

[delle]

A quick reminder tho...

Important, on this board, to keep an open mind when people suggest things. What might not work for you may be just the ticket for someone else.

There are MANY a lurker here who may be in a different boat but going down their own raging river.... Paddles and shores come in many sizes, shapes and textures.

[delle]

Lord knows I use enough of them!!!

Point in fact: A phone call mom got when I was in grade 1 from my frantic teacher:

"Please come get your daughter. I put her in the corner a half hour ago for disturbing the class and now she won't stop talking to the wall!"

I used to maintain that my son, when little, didn't realize that he could breathe without actually forming words with each breath. My guess is that he came by it naturally enough.

[Aurelia]

Good Morning Dear Ones

Delle and Patsh xoxo
And the gorgeous hunk in the white tux also

[moonrise]

Pain Clinic means pills/drugs and lifestyle changes, from what I recall.

Mother nature put pain drug elements on the planet for a reason, I suppose.

[Elliot]

... ...but other people telling me I might feel better if (insert suggestion here) is a huge part of my anger and depression. ... ...

Jax, you did well to tell us this, since we cannot know otherwise.

And yes, absolutely use this thread the way you wish. I sure did, and it helped a great deal.

Full steam ahead!

[Jax Dee]

I just... I love you guys... there is just simply no better way to put it. Thank you thank you thank you.

[Elliot]

We are all in this together, that's just simply how it is.

[goathead]

RIP to the DWP person who committed suicide in Gerlach a couple of weeks ago.

Not sure who you were, but Gerlach is a tough little town to be in.

Wish they gave you more support.

[Elliot]

RIP to the DWP person who committed suicide in Gerlach a couple of weeks ago.

Not sure who you were, but Gerlach is a tough little town to be in.

Wish they gave you more support.

*speechless with sorrow*

[maryanimal]

Awww man, I hate hearing things like this. May their soul be at rest and their spirit fly. s/he'll always be burning with us. Rest in Peace.

[Jax Dee]

I can't win. I finally find a decent doctor, I'm starting to feel the smallest glimmer of hope. I'm dealing pretty well with the 2 family deaths I found out about this morning. I have plans to see my best friend this weekend for the first time in more than a year.

My daily balance alert from my bank comes in at midnight. It is more than it should be...my LTD has deposited money in my account, but not the correct amount and way too early. Its the middle of the night on Friday but I call the automated number to check my claim status.

They've cut me off. With no explanation or warning. No call. No mail. Just an early check for a partial amount which is apparently my last check. I just talked to my account manager a few days ago and he gave no indication anything was wrong or that I hadn't met my requirements. I even asked if there was anything else I should be doing. He told me everything was fine. Since the check had already been issued he knew very well I was being cut off.

I am done being hysterical now. My husband is going to bed finally after trying to calm me down. I don't feel anything right now.

How are we supposed to live without over a third of our income? We barely make ends meet because of my medical costs. They just raised our medical premiums from $162/biweekly to $376/biweekly. Thanks "affordable care act" for totally fucking me over.

I'm really better off dead. This is a fucking joke. Did I kill puppies and babies in a past life?! What did I do to deserve this shithole I call a life?!

[burner von braun]

I'm sorry to hear that you are burdened with even more concerns and loss Jax Dee. From what I can see, you are one of the kindest and most thoughtful people that roam around eplaya, and many, many of us are hoping that things become brighter for you soon. I personally find myself somewhat at a loss for words, but certainly I have you in my thoughts. Please continue to seek help from those of us around you. We care about you Jax Dee!

[Elliot]

Darn, Jax, that's a bummer. But it seems to me that the most important thing right now is that you have found the right doctor, and I'm thinking you might do well to concentrate on that progress. I know, that won't be easy with the LTD problem just now, but hopefully you can prioritize the doctor.

About the LTD (probably means Long Term Disability, right? I'm on Social Security Disability myself now). In my experience with large agencies, sometimes one hand does not know what an other hand is doing, at least for several days or even weeks. And mix-ups certainly happen. So...

...I know you are not fond of unsolicited advice, but I find it downright difficult to hold back. Perhaps you know the old saying: "The mouth runs over with what the heart is full of." That certainly applies to me -- sometimes I blurt out stuff against my better judgement. What I'm thinking is that it might be possible to use this weekend to ease the mind with thoughts of the new doctor, and then telephone the account manager on Monday. My own experience with both my county Social Services office and the federal Social Security folks has been highly positive, so I would feel optimistic about a new "trouble-shooting" talk with the account manager.

Regardless, keep venting. We are here for that -- whether we are able to shut up or not.

[theCryptofishist]

You are not better off dead, Jax, and the world would be worse off without you.


But yeah, that whole program is underfunded, capricious, and often seems to operate on an ethos of "made the disabled suffer for their hubris in being disabled."

[Jax Dee]

I am pushing back the despair with all my strength. I am taking extra meds to reduce the anxiety cause deep breathing just isn't covering it right now. In a medically induced calm after a nights sleep I can reason a bit better. The book keeper in me ran a cost analysis and found it would cost slightly more to be dead than alive. So my financial logic is keeping the suicidal impulses at bay.

My hubby argued that he can work more (he already works 60 to 80 hours weekly) to cover us until my SSDI court date. I found out on my own the appeals process so with a new doc maybe I can get the LTD reinstated. I really need it. Even if I get SSDI it won't be very much and I need the LTD to offset medical expenses. I paid $13k last year alone in out of pocket medical costs.

I am not going to let this ruin my weekend. I will see my friends, enjoy life as much as I can, and chew out the jerks on Monday in my polite voice. Worse comes to worse I get admitted to a hospital. Let them try to argue I can work while I'm locked up in a psych ward. Assholes.

[Elliot]

...
I am not going to let this ruin my weekend. I will see my friends, enjoy life as much as I can,...

Way to go!

[Bin Noddin]

Hugs, Jax. Keep that attitude as positive as you can - this was just a round, not the whole fight. You can win. You will win.

[Elliot]

RIP to the DWP person who committed suicide in Gerlach a couple of weeks ago.

Not sure who you were, but Gerlach is a tough little town to be in.

Wish they gave you more support.

Took me a while to catch my breath from that one.

That it can happen to someone in the middle of such a tight-knit group… suggests how difficult it can be to open up to anyone. It’s part of the disease – depression turns us inward, bottles us up, and puts on a brave face, thru no intent of the patient. So we must always watch for subtle signs of distress among our friends. It’s simply a good life-skill for us all to have.

[MyDearFriend]

So we must always watch for subtle signs of distress among our friends. It’s simply a good life-skill for us all to have.

Absolutely. Pay attention. But don't beat yourself up if you don't see it.

((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Gosh.

[theCryptofishist]

So we must always watch for subtle signs of distress among our friends. It’s simply a good life-skill for us all to have.

Absolutely. Pay attention. But don't beat yourself up if you don't see it.

((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Gosh.

Careful. You don't want to give too much power to his nosy parker side.

[Elliot]

TheCryptofishist, I offer a mutually beneficent agreement: You and I utterly, totally and completely ignore each other's existence on ePlaya from now on. This to include other people's quotes, references and any other forms of presence. Deal?

[gyre]

Wow!
A Dr Gillespie pop reference!