A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. "You've even named your Daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom."Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
your stupid joke here
-
joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."
-
Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is
far more insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named
Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to writing, it
returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is
deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell
checkers that come with word processing programs.
The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of
LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him
helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this
morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause
preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one
must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."
A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept
coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a
pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I
crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created
this virus should have their programming fingers broken."
A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad,
old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He
speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled
English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're
buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if
I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on
the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "
If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A
study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail
increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took
less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that
they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many
jokes to their spouses, parents, and stockbrokers.)
Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it
before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of
an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message
asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise
effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the
grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from
Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.
The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray.
Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit
electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly
technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that
"vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office
reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to
avoid phrases such as "the truth is... " and "in fact...."
Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who
used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it. The virus can
have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A
cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for
several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow
infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving
news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence
structure.
There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is
a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using
to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers.
"This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code
we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious
mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on
communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the
telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave
him tied up for hours.
far more insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named
Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to writing, it
returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is
deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell
checkers that come with word processing programs.
The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of
LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him
helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this
morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause
preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one
must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."
A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept
coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a
pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I
crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created
this virus should have their programming fingers broken."
A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad,
old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He
speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled
English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're
buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if
I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on
the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "
If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A
study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail
increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took
less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that
they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many
jokes to their spouses, parents, and stockbrokers.)
Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it
before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of
an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message
asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise
effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the
grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from
Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.
The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray.
Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit
electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly
technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that
"vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office
reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to
avoid phrases such as "the truth is... " and "in fact...."
Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who
used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it. The virus can
have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A
cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for
several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow
infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving
news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence
structure.
There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is
a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using
to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers.
"This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code
we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious
mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on
communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the
telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave
him tied up for hours.
“We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.”
-
Ranger Genius
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:07 am
- Location: Behind the Zion Curtain
- Contact:
-
joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
Cows, Constitution, Commandments and Carlin
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And Last but not least.....
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart..
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And Last but not least.....
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart..
"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."
-
safetythird
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2004 1:10 pm
- Location: Grover Beach, CA
- Contact:
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
How do you get an Iraqi pregnant?
Cum on her shoes, let the flys do the rest.
What do they do with the detached foreskins?
Sell them as chewing gum for gays.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
When they put them on the boat they stamped TO:NY on thier foreheads.
... 5 shots of tequila and I still can't get the taste out of my mouth.
... so they don't leave snail trails.
... so you can pick them up like a six pack.
Sheep.
How do you get an Iraqi pregnant?
Cum on her shoes, let the flys do the rest.
What do they do with the detached foreskins?
Sell them as chewing gum for gays.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
When they put them on the boat they stamped TO:NY on thier foreheads.
... 5 shots of tequila and I still can't get the taste out of my mouth.
... so they don't leave snail trails.
... so you can pick them up like a six pack.
-
joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
Looking for his ball, a golfer finds a wee Leprechaun flat on his back with a big bump on his head and the golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't
mean to hit you."
And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't
even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly,
"It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did
good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't
mean to hit you."
And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf." If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't
even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, and says shyly,
"It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did
good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
I got so drunk once I came home to my house, kicked the dog, beat the wife and locked the kids in the basement, only to realize I don't have kids, not married, no dog and live in an apartment.
*****************************************
Bill Gates has just died of ripe old age. He now stands at the pearly gates and is greeted by an angel. The angel tells Bill that he's earned the right to walk through the gates, but that if was curious about what Hell was like the angel'd show him around.
So the two make their way to the underworld, lo and behold there are tables and tables of men sitting drinking pints of beer, music-video-esque chics dancing on tables and feasts even Bill has never seen before.
Bill thought this was wonderful! He asked the angel to remain in Hell so that he could party it up like he'd never done before. The angel left Bill in Hell.
Several days later the angel returned to find Bill nailed to a cross, beaten to a pulp and scarred from all the burning sulfur.
Bill yelled at the angel "What the hell happend to all the happy drunks, beer, women, and food?!"
The angel smiled and responded "That was the beta."
*****************************************
Bill Gates has just died of ripe old age. He now stands at the pearly gates and is greeted by an angel. The angel tells Bill that he's earned the right to walk through the gates, but that if was curious about what Hell was like the angel'd show him around.
So the two make their way to the underworld, lo and behold there are tables and tables of men sitting drinking pints of beer, music-video-esque chics dancing on tables and feasts even Bill has never seen before.
Bill thought this was wonderful! He asked the angel to remain in Hell so that he could party it up like he'd never done before. The angel left Bill in Hell.
Several days later the angel returned to find Bill nailed to a cross, beaten to a pulp and scarred from all the burning sulfur.
Bill yelled at the angel "What the hell happend to all the happy drunks, beer, women, and food?!"
The angel smiled and responded "That was the beta."
Transcendental Gangster
-
TemporaryMan
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:32 am
- Location: Vancouver, BC. Canada
-
theCryptofishist
- Posts: 40312
- Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
- Burning Since: 2017
- Location: In Exile
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#@?"
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#@?"
The Lady with a Lamprey
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri
"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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nevadadrifter
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2005 8:06 pm
- Contact:
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Ugly Dougly
- Posts: 17612
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 9:31 am
- Burning Since: 1996
- Location: เชียงใหม่
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saint_al
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Tue Jul 27, 2004 5:37 pm
- Location: Carterville, Illinois (Our anagram: ILL EVIL IN SOIL CRATER)
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have this terrible pain up my ass. Could you have a look?".
Doc says, "Sure! Get up on the table, spread yr cheeks and I'll get a flashlight." This happens, and the doc says "I see a piece of string."
The man says "Pull it out, don't just leave it!"
Doc gives the string a hard tug, the man screams and out pops a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The man yells, "Where the hell did those flowers come from?!"
Doc says,"I dunno. They didn't send a card."
Doc says, "Sure! Get up on the table, spread yr cheeks and I'll get a flashlight." This happens, and the doc says "I see a piece of string."
The man says "Pull it out, don't just leave it!"
Doc gives the string a hard tug, the man screams and out pops a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The man yells, "Where the hell did those flowers come from?!"
Doc says,"I dunno. They didn't send a card."
"New Dawn Fades" feeds me.
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diane o'thirst
- Posts: 2092
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2003 5:04 pm
- Location: Eugene, OR
- Contact:
?: Why did the chicken cross the road?
!: To prove to the possum it could be done.
And because it somehow got screwed up, here's a re-entry of a former post:
?: What do you call a dog with no legs?
!: Nothing, he can't come.
!: To prove to the possum it could be done.
And because it somehow got screwed up, here's a re-entry of a former post:
?: What do you call a dog with no legs?
!: Nothing, he can't come.
[url=http://tinyurl.com/245sagf][img]http://tinyurl.com/2bbr28j/.gif[/img][/url][url=http://tinyurl.com/23753ws][img]http://tinyurl.com/2auqebj/.gif[/img][/url][url=http://tinyurl.com/m4y82q][img]http://tinyurl.com/l56rdn/.gif[/img][/url]
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joel the ornery
- Posts: 2657
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
- Burning Since: 1998
- Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
- Contact:
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diane o'thirst
- Posts: 2092
- Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2003 5:04 pm
- Location: Eugene, OR
- Contact:
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ZaphodBurner
- Posts: 1339
- Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:05 pm
- Burning Since: 2004
- Camp Name: The Green Hour 2012 - 9:00 & D
- Location: Portland, OR
- Contact:
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lunachic15
- Posts: 19
- Joined: Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:47 am
- Location: New York Fuckin' City
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AntiM
- Moderator
- Posts: 20301
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 5:23 am
- Burning Since: 2001
- Camp Name: Anti M's Home for Wayward Art
- Location: Wild, Wild West
Two brooms in a broom closet fell in love and decided to wed. The ceremony was lovely, bridebroom and broomgroom were joyous. At the reception, the bridebroom leaned over to the groombroom and whispered, "Honey, I have marvelous news. I'm going to have a little whisk broom!"
"What!" gasped the groombroom, "we haven't even swept together yet!"
"What!" gasped the groombroom, "we haven't even swept together yet!"
***Groan!!!!!*** I hate it when people tell clean jokes...
What was the last thing heard from the space shuttle Challenger?
"What does this button do?"
What did Christine McCauffee (or at least I think that was her name), the school teacher on the Challenger tell her husband?
"You feed the kids, honey, I'll feed the fish."
What color were her eyes?
Blue! One blue this way, the other blue that way...
Where did the Columbia crew spend their vacations?
All over Texas.
What was the last thing heard from the space shuttle Challenger?
"What does this button do?"
What did Christine McCauffee (or at least I think that was her name), the school teacher on the Challenger tell her husband?
"You feed the kids, honey, I'll feed the fish."
What color were her eyes?
Blue! One blue this way, the other blue that way...
Where did the Columbia crew spend their vacations?
All over Texas.
"All the great villainies of history have been perpetrated by sober men, and chiefly by teetotalers"
H.L.Mencken
H.L.Mencken
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PurpleKoosh
- Posts: 1638
- Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:26 pm
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- Camp Name: M*A*S*H 4207
- Location: Silly Valley, CA
- Contact:
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PurpleKoosh
- Posts: 1638
- Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:26 pm
- Burning Since: 2003
- Camp Name: M*A*S*H 4207
- Location: Silly Valley, CA
- Contact:
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AntiM
- Moderator
- Posts: 20301
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 5:23 am
- Burning Since: 2001
- Camp Name: Anti M's Home for Wayward Art
- Location: Wild, Wild West
A pastor decided he needed a break, so one Sunday morning he took his rifle and went out bear hunting. He went up hills and down, and waited and watched and stalked, but he didn't see a single bear. In disgust he threw his rifle into his pick-up and walked down to the river to cool off. Just then a huge grizzly came charging across the water. The pastor fell to his knees and prayed, "Oh God, please convert this bear into a Christian and let him carry your love in his heart!" To the pastor's amazement, the bear stopped in mid-charge and shook his head. Then the bear stood up on his hind legs, raised his enormous paws into the air and cried, "God, thank you for this food I am about to receive."
A postman is walking down the street and finds a boy stirring a pot on the corner.
The postman says what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The postman says what are you going to make with it?
A big fucking postman!
oh.....
..... and the postman walks on.
Then a priest walks up and sees the boy and says.... what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The priest says what are you going to make with it?
A big fucking priest!
Oh!..... ....and the priest walks on.
an eplaya troll sees this ..
and walks up.....The Troll says what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The Troll says what are you going to make with it?
The kid says ....A big fucking priest!
OH....................and why not a big fucking Troll.
the kid looks in the pot.............. moves the stick around in the pot .................
.............looks at the troll............looks in the pot...........
the kid says........ not enough CHICKEN SHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the troll goes to get more chicken shit.
The postman says what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The postman says what are you going to make with it?
A big fucking postman!
oh.....
..... and the postman walks on. Then a priest walks up and sees the boy and says.... what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The priest says what are you going to make with it?
A big fucking priest!
Oh!.....
....and the priest walks on.an eplaya troll sees this ..
and walks up.....The Troll says what is in the pot?
The kid says ... chicken shit and water.
The Troll says what are you going to make with it?
The kid says ....A big fucking priest!
OH....................and why not a big fucking Troll.
the kid looks in the pot.............. moves the stick around in the pot .................
.............looks at the troll............looks in the pot...........
the kid says........ not enough CHICKEN SHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the troll goes to get more chicken shit.