Feedback on my confused playa heart?

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:00 pm

Nirvana Silly Ca? We must be neighbors!

Thank you for all the warm thoughts, from everyone who feels some resonance with my expressions here. And Dan, I did peek at the author you suggested and he looks perfect for what I am struggling with...I need to get to a bookstore and find the books. Thanks so much for the lead.

The thing about bringing his spirit down to earth....was that what was said?..., well, I have to say I want no part of that. Or if I have some part of it, if a spirit was levitating on the magic and love on the playa, I'll take what is real but ideally I want the reality to differ as little as possible from the magic I experienced on the weekend. Hell, I'll start working on my own levitation devices post haste!

I might as well be Dorothy clicking her ruby slippers three times and saying "I believe, I believe, I believe." Because at the moment, I do. Of course the immediacy of some of the emotions fades with time, but not much, and I have a feeling I'll see him again. I'm not sure what causes me to overcome my usual cynicism about things, but I just believe it.

And my feeling is that when we do, sure, perhaps it will feel totally different and as if "reality" obscures the open hearted flow from the playa, but I just have a feeling that it's possible the reason I felt this between us, or from him, is because he and I brought it with us to the playa. I'm thinking maybe that is where we simply felt kind of able to open up our hearts to something already there.

And I do want a relationship. I'd be thrilled if fate brought us together for one. But still I feel strongly that if it is not to be him with whom I have that relationship, at least I know now the nature of heart which I am looking for.

Finally I have faith I'll never settle again out of fear it doesn't exist. I had a taste of it; I know there are hearts out there like it--maybe many of them!--and I'll never be the same again.

Here's to never settling for less than the love we deserve *clink*.

(God I hope this faith holds steady! Today, so far so good....)

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 4:28 pm

Believe!

I know...I know....its a tough road, but with a heart like yours, ya just gotta be proud to have it. Much love your way and I only hope \the best for all of us!

Alia · Post by **Alia** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 8:55 pm

I don't believe you can ever tell if it's love in the first week. I believe it takes time and testing to show if you love someone. You have to know someone to love them, otherwise you're probably just infatuated with the whole romantic grandeur of it and that wonderful way it feels when you meet someone special.

It's really easy to fall into infatuation in life, and practically impossible not to do it on the playa, where everyone is so free and beautiful. I think you should aprpeciate your experience for what it was. However, the playa is full of magical dust that sweeps us away, and those fairy tale one week hook ups and romances oftentimes just aren't meant to be in the outside world, where we have to deal with friends and family and a completely different society.

Not trying to be a cynic. It sounds like you had a wonderful romance. Just know it for what it was.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Fri Sep 16, 2005 10:54 pm

It wasn't a romance. It was nothing more than a meeting. or a prolonged meeting. But don't you think that sometimes you can meet someone and see something in them of beauty which seems so pure and so natural and so sweet that you just feel kind of swept away by it? Don't you sometimes have the same reaction to a perfectly formed and colored flower, or say, for example, the eerily beautiful stillness of the weather on Saturday night through Sunday morning this year....no cold, no dust, no wind? You know, the feeling of just "ahhhhh......yesssssss......" It's a feeling, not so much a thought, so it is hard to describe.

I'm not saying I found prince charming or my future husband or anthing like that....I'm not so goal oriented. But I found something which each time I looked in its direction I saw just such sweet and playful beauty.

It doesn't "mean" anything other than that. It just is/was what it is/was. But something about it was astonishingly beautiful.

I am a person who looks for beauty in the forest in wintertime, and there is lots of it to be found. This past winter I was rooting around in a dirty, musty, earthy, highly decomposed little place under an old, broad, gorgeous live oak, and I found 20 absolutely perfect mushrooms of all sizes and colors. Hot pink, fleshy red, bright orange, dusty mauve, etc., small as a pin head and large as my two hands put together..I won't get boring with the details of their names or properties. The point is, I peeked my head into this hidden alcove in the woods under a tree, which was clearly kind of unnoticed by other humans, and I found this symphony of beauty and nature and cycles of life and verdant, celebratory, fertile existence.

That's what it was like on the weekend. That's what it was like to meet this new friend. His interaction with life was a playful celebration. It was so entirely natural. It was gorgeous. He is a kindred spirit.

It was more than a fleeting romance. It was a romance of friensdship just begun. It was a romance I may never come to know. It was a friendship where two adults were like children together and playful together in the sweetest, most child-like way.

I guess if I'm lucky there is romance still in store for me.

Sounds rather exciting.

Mister Jellyfish Mister · Post by **Mister Jellyfish Mister** » Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:52 am

The thing that really gets me is that they liked me when I was in full flower. Installing my art and expressing my soul, not when I was wearing my self-made "man suit" in the default world, spilling empty words of love like so many sugar hiccups. "You mean you're attracted to me while I'm letting my freak flag fly? Well I god damn love you too!"

I come back to family and friends that love that Cloak of Shame... "But it's not me!" I scream over the sound of closing buttons and zippers. I feel like Baron Munchowsen sitting back down for a card game.

OK, it's not as bad as all that. I express love now more fully and real than I did, and it shows and they love it with a dose of fear mixed in. I'm just too afraid of the relentless creep-back of the default world, and have to fight the people-pleaser in me to keep it the fuck real.

Zulegoona · Post by **Zulegoona** » Sat Sep 17, 2005 8:44 am

Jelly, part of the joy of being around you when you had that freak flag of yours flying was the obvious enthusiastic child like joy you were experiencing . That people pleasing aspect of you was still there in the various performances you did in costume and out. The super human endurance you exhibited while in the Mini-man puppet was in part do to the feedback from the delighted crowds you brought a magical experience to. You Pleased them incredibly! Don’t think wanting to please people is any less of an authentic part of your self than the any other.

Mister Jellyfish Mister · Post by **Mister Jellyfish Mister** » Sat Sep 17, 2005 9:09 pm

Yes sir yes sir three bags full. I really appreciate what you had to say, Zule, and I meant what I told you on the playa of your wisdom here on e-playa and what it means to me.

I just got some MiniMan photos back from Tony Tohono and there is joy there. Sometimes I think I just look at things too black and white and then I real myself back in to a balance. You are my good friend, Zule. Thank you.

Rabbi Dali Rick · Post by **Rabbi Dali Rick** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 2:02 am

awww don't go getting all mushy on us. You know crying makes my mascara run.

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:56 pm

I recently read a book called Ether, God, The Devil and Cosmic Superimposition by Wilhelm Riech in which he says that the "Armoring" of people is what causes, or is at the root of all problems in the world. "Armoring" just means having blocks to expressing one's real feelings which as a nessecary biological funtion, will be expressed as, fear, anger, hatred, sadism, brutality ect. Burningman has a tendency to strip people's armor down.
It is my opinion that you should simply tell this gentlman how you feel. Our basic nature is to express love. Not to stifle or repress that expression. And don't be afraid. Intense fear of rejection (according to Reich) is characteristic of armored organisms.
Much love,
Good luck,
Shiney out

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:00 pm

just means having blocks to expressing one's real feelings which as a nessecary biological funtion, will be expressed as, fear, anger, hatred, sadism, brutality ect.

That is if healthy feelings such as love and compassion are repressed long enough, they come out as one of the aforementioned forms.

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:01 pm

hey how do you work this "quote" deal? Anyone?

Zulegoona · Post by **Zulegoona** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:12 pm

to quote another poster click the quote button on the corner of there post. then write your stuff above or below it

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:33 pm

2 Rivers, if you're on a quest to understand motivations and shells and interpersonal relations, there is no better read than David Deida.
"The Way of the Superior Man" is a guide for men. It enumerates ALL the age-old problems and then proceeds to lay out all the explanations AND solutions. It centers on the areas of "women, Work and sex"
Once you read it,,,there's no going back. It explains EVERYTHING that you've ever questioned about women.

"It"s a Guy Thing" an owners manual for women. This is written for women to understand US. It's well worth the read because it explains a lot of things that many of us do unconciously and it explains them to women.
Most interpersonal problems begin with something miniscule. Because of misinterpretation and misunderstanding, they get blow up all out of proportion.
If you can understand enough to avoid the blow up, you're only dealing with the original miniscule problems and you don't torture the one you love.

The end result is a peaceful enviornment where a couple are free to develop a relationship so full that others are envious.
Dan

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:56 pm

Zulegoona wrote:to quote another poster click the quote button on the corner of there post. then write your stuff above or below it

can't sit still wrote:2 Rivers, if you're on a quest to understand motivations and shells and interpersonal relations, there is no better read than David Deida.
"The Way of the Superior Man" is a guide for men

Cool, Thanks you guys.

[/quote]

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:56 pm

Zulegoona wrote:to quote another poster click the quote button on the corner of there post. then write your stuff above or below it

can't sit still wrote:2 Rivers, if you're on a quest to understand motivations and shells and interpersonal relations, there is no better read than David Deida.
"The Way of the Superior Man" is a guide for men

Cool, Thanks you guys.

2_rivers · Post by **2_rivers** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 6:58 pm

oops, I'll get it right next time.