your stupid joke here

Jew Boy · Post by **Jew Boy** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:03 pm

What's the difference between the governor of New York and his call girl?

He's a Spitzer and she's a swallower.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 6:59 pm

Tea With Daddy

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

mereth · Post by **mereth** » Thu Mar 13, 2008 7:34 pm

Oookayyy. You said "stupid" joke.

Little girl on the plane

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. When the plane took off and settled into its climb, the stranger turned to the little girl and said: "I've always found that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "OK. What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"Yes," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. Yet a deer excrete little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thought for a few moments,, then said:
"You know, I've never thought about that. I have no idea."
The little girl began to open her book again, saying:
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Dustdevil · Post by **Dustdevil** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 10:45 pm

Earl stopped by the toy store to buy his little girl a birthday present. He asked the sales person how much one of those Barbie dolls he had seen in the window cost.

The sales person answered, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

Amazed, Earl asked, "Why is the Divorce Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson just rolled her eyes, sighs, and answer: "Sir...., Divorce Barbie comes with: Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, and Ken's computer."

robbidobbs · Post by **robbidobbs** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:33 pm

A guy walks into a bar, and sits down next to a pretty lady.
"Would you sleep with me for a million dollars, Miss?"
She looks around, and then into his puppy-dog eyes.
"I suppose, yes."
"Ok, will you sleep with me for a dollar then?"
She looks shocked and says, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"
"We've already established that, now we're just haggling over price."

What's the difference between a washing machine and a one-night-stand?
After you dump a load, you don't get called every day for two weeks.

bigbluedoggy · Post by **bigbluedoggy** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 12:25 am

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, just like Grandpa,

not screaming helplessly like the passengers in his car!

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:37 am

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:47 pm

Three women die in a car crash and go to heaven. When they get to the Pearly Gates, St Peter is there and tells them, "We have only one rule here, DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK." So the trio enters heaven and there are ducks everywhere. The three women try their best to avoid them but one woman steps on a duck. Here comes St Peter with the ugliest man the woman ever saw and chained them for eternity. The next day another woman steps on a duck. St Peter, who does'nt miss a thing shows up with an extremly ugly man and chains them for eternity. The last woman observes what happened to her friends does'nt want this punishment and manages to go months without stepping on a duck. One day here comes Peter with chains and he takes the woman to a real handsome, tall, dark, muscular man and chains them for eternity. The woman who is real happy says "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for eternity?" The man replies "I don't know bout you, but I stepped on a duck."

Rolan Headon · Post by **Rolan Headon** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:31 am

after mereth (mereth, I hope you haven"t been chased from eplaya by religious intolerance..)

As the little girl opened her book, a man in the row behind them spoke up.
"Excuse me but I can answer about the varying characteristics of grass eater's fecal matter."
She sighed and closed her book. "OK."
"Well the cattle consume enormous amounts of water, requiring 800 or 900 gallons of water to produce each pound of beef or milk. and they have four stomaches. Natural selection has not been altered in the case of super efficient deer, who extract every bit of energy available from their food. Horses, less manipulated, lie in between these polar extremes."
The little girl opened her book again and turned to the first stranger.
"We have found a man who's area of expertise matches your area of ignorance. I suggest you two talk to pass the time."

MozyBonz · Post by **MozyBonz** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 12:30 pm

Rolan Headon wrote:after mereth (mereth, I hope you haven"t been chased from eplaya by religious intolerance..)

I see a big difference between Vacuum Cleaner Religion and being spiritual.
If you come waiving a spaghetti monster at me fuck off. Just because
I donâ€™t believe in your spaghetti monster doesnâ€™t mean that I am not spiritual.
This board is made up of lots of people that follow lots of different paths.

If you want to recruit Sheep expect the Wolves to come around.

And for the record I happen to like mereth and hope to see her come back around.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:48 pm

Proud Dads

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a

Party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at

A successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics

And Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate

Ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich

That he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his

Birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride

And joy. He star ted working for a big airline, and then went to flight

School to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the

Company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that

he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best

Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own

Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away

something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:

A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned

From the restroom and asked: 'what are all the Congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the

Successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
<BR>stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame. What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love

Him. And he hasn't done too bad either His birthday was two weeks ago,

And he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet

And a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Rolan Headon · Post by **Rolan Headon** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 4:50 pm

MB,

didn't mean to imply people can't be critical...suppose i should read more of that thread, but mereth didn't strike me as trying to recruit anybody, she's quite young probably and may have experienced the scorn personally. Hopefully she will think about what she's gotten into. Believe, i tend to agree with the Israeli rockers who sing "God Save Us From Religion". But I'm a believer in freedom, even to be a fool. One of the cool things about modern times is the freedom of expression. If you want to shave your head, paint it red and stick toilet bowl plungers all over it, why go ahead! I'm sure mereth can handle the jibes but where is she? The loving intervention may have been a little harsh.

Oh, yeah, here's the joke:

"Why'd the Scientologist cross the road?"

Rolan Headon · Post by **Rolan Headon** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:16 pm

was stuck in can't-submit-it on that last one

Mrs. O'Brien opened her door to sad news. Her husband had died in an accident at the brewery.

"What happened?"

"Well he fell in the beer vat and drowned, Mrs. O'Brien."

"Was it a quick death then?"

"Oh, no, he climbed out three times to pee."

MozyBonz · Post by **MozyBonz** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:06 pm

I wasnâ€™t necessarily talking specifically to you or the thread of scientology
I didnâ€™t waste any time reading the thread. It was your blanket statement about Eplaya
That I responded to.

chased from eplaya by religious intolerance

Vacuum Cleaner Religion = Any organized religion actively looking for sheep
Vacuum Cleaner Religions sell it door to door on TV in the Mail in front of your Grocery store and even on the Internet.

I had a friend tell me that her priest said that if she did not vote with the church in the next president election that she would be dammed and rejected by god for it.

Seeing some people with religion sometimes is like watching a crack dealer.

â€œâ€

CLARKcon · Post by **CLARKcon** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 5:09 pm

Q: What kind of cheese do you have if it's not your cheese?

A: Nacho cheese

(I hate myself

)

Rolan Headon · Post by **Rolan Headon** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:15 pm

A construction workers joke, from expeience:

What do you do if you trip and fall out of a 40th story window?

Grab an extension cord, they always hang up.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat May 10, 2008 7:13 pm

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old
son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped
Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments', answered Tommy. The robot went around
to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once
more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am
sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and
delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy,
did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to
Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Sun May 11, 2008 10:28 am

this is only because some schmoron cut me off this morning while i was riding sparky, the wonder bike.

What is the Difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

the BMW usually has its pricks inside.

ibdave · Post by **ibdave** » Wed May 14, 2008 4:43 pm

The Jewelry Store

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile!!!

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Sat May 17, 2008 10:26 pm

Three men-a Canadian farmer, osama bin ladan and a Texan were working together in a field and they find a lantern and a genie pops out. "I'll grant each of you one wish each which is three wishes total". The Canadian says "I'm a farmer and my sons will farm too. I want the land of Canada to be forever fertile". POOF! The land is forever fertile. Osama was amazed and says "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so no infidells, Americans or Canadians can enter or exit our precious land." POOF! A wall surounds the countries. The Texan says "I'm curious. Tell me more about this wall". The genie says "Well, its 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and nothing can get in or out. It's impenetrable." The Texan sits down, cracks a beer with a smile and says "Fill it with water."

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sun May 18, 2008 6:06 pm

What do you call vegan roadkill?

Squash.

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:44 pm

An elderly couple has supper at another elderly couples house. After eating, the two women go to the kitchen and the two men go to the parlor. The two gentlemen were talking and one says "Last night we went to a new restaurant. The food was great and I highly recommend it". The other gentleman asks "Whats the name of it"? The first man thinks and asks "Whats that flower you give to someone you love? Its usually red and has lot of thornes". "Do you mean Rose" the man asks. "Yeah thats it" replied the confused man. He turns to the kitchen and yells "Rose, whats the name of the restaurant we went to last night"?

Rolan Headon · Post by **Rolan Headon** » Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:27 pm

that reminds me...

The two old potheads were rocking on the porch of the Old Tokers Home.

"What did ya say my name was again?"

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:45 pm

(as told to me by a 5 yr. old)

"what do vegetarian zombies eat?"

(use zombie voice)...."G.....R.....R....R....A...I...N....S..."

chiefdanfox · Post by **chiefdanfox** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:02 pm

An old horse knew his days were numbered. Over the years he had seen many old horses taken away in the tallow truck, and knew by his sway back and laminitis that soon that truck would come for him.

That afternoon, a new prize steed trotted out of a trailer and was led into the paddock with the old horse. The old horse looked at the steed's rippling muscles, his flaring nostrils and knew, it would be very soon that the tallow truck comes for him.

As the two horses were being fed, the old horse asked the young steed, "Tomorrow they are going to take me away in the tallow truck. When they trot us around the track this evening, will you let me cross the last pole first, so I can go out a winner?"

"Sure, pops!" Said the Steed, and he went back to his alfafa.

That evening as they were trotting around the track, the Steed let the old horse get 2 poles ahead, and then as the last pole was nigh, bolted past the old horse.

Sadly, that next morning, the tallow truck came and took the old horse. The steed was busy munching on his oates and the dog came up to the Steed and said, "That was really mean, what you did yesterday. I have know that old guy my whole life, and he just wanted to go out a winner."

The Steed gave a puzzeled look, and said, "Wow, a talking dog."

BigCock · Post by **BigCock** » Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:08 pm

bumper sticker:

FCK VWLS

Thecatman · Post by **Thecatman** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:37 pm

While suturing a gash on the hand of a 75 year old Sweetwater, Texas rancher, whose hand got caught in a gate, the rancher and doctor engage in conversation that eventually gets around to Obama andhis bid to be President. The rancher says, 'Ya know, Obama is a post turtle.' The doctor not being familiar with that term sasked what a 'post turtle' is. The rancher says 'When you drive down a country road and come across a turtle balanced on a fence post, thats a post turtle.' The doctor looked puzzled so the rancher continues. "You know he did'nt get there by himself, he does'nt belong there, he does'nt know what to do up there and you wonder what kind of dumbass would put him there."

TomServo · Post by **TomServo** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:13 pm

whats the difference between the vietnam war and the iraq war?

bush had a plan to get out of the vietnam war

Simon of the Playa · Post by **Simon of the Playa** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:25 pm

in response to the big cock...

another bumper sticker....and keep in mind, texting IS newspeak.

"NGLSH Z DuMD"

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:49 pm

And from our "Only In Placer County" Department: An actual bumper sticker seen on east-bound I-80 between Auburn and Colfax:

DECISION 2008: Coon, Cunt, or Coot?