Doomed Relationships

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 6:36 am

Kinetic wrote: If I marry the ring has to be a carat and that's that.

When it's right it won't matter whether or not you can buy her a $6000 ring, you'll know it's right and everything else will work itself out. Until then, put your own interests first.

I find that once you stop looking for a mate and put your energies into other things, those other things often offer up the person you were looking for.

Best of luck to you.

Booker · Post by **Booker** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:19 am

>>I can understand that the hospital may not always be the answer

In my experience the process of arriving there can be a healthy wake-up call to someone trapped in an overdramatic internal loop and not really aware how seriously others are taking their threats. While I respect Ivy's input, I'm with Lydia's: You can't take the chance. I certainly wouldn't presume to judge whether someone's trying to get a reaction or seriously intended or even considering suicide. I would be getting that person in contact with emergency services pronto and let it play itself out from there.

Ivy · Post by **Ivy** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:31 am

Yes, but are you crazy?

PJ,

I hope you know it's gone down on my permanent record.

Ivy · Post by **Ivy** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:35 am

Regarding taking someone to the ER/hospital:

I already said that if you have to do it, then by all means, do it. If someone is halding a gun or a knife, or has taken pills, that should be the response.

If someone talks about suicide or hurting themself all the time, the best step you can take is to get them into counseling or therapy.

It's clearly a delicate situation and no one wants to lose anyone and honestly, there's never any right answer. Whatever you do will have been "wrong." It's never a situation where someone comes out if it proud that they did the right thing. Someone will always be hurt, the idea is to help and minimize the hurt if possible.

nymphgonebad · Post by **nymphgonebad** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:43 am

Ivy wrote:Regarding taking someone to the ER/hospital:

I already said that if you have to do it, then by all means, do it. If someone is halding a gun or a knife, or has taken pills, that should be the response.

If someone talks about suicide or hurting themself all the time, the best step you can take is to get them into counseling or therapy.

It's clearly a delicate situation and no one wants to lose anyone and honestly, there's never any right answer. Whatever you do will have been "wrong." It's never a situation where someone comes out if it proud that they did the right thing. Someone will always be hurt, the idea is to help and minimize the hurt if possible.

beats kicking yourself later when the person ends up dead. had this happen to me. i've never felt so fuckin wracked with guilt even tho i couldn't have done anything.

RebA! · Post by **RebA!** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 9:03 am

Sorry, all this "have kids someday" and kids are the light and love of the world bullshit is making me gag and throw up in my mouth. Someone pm me when this crap is over.

Kinetic · Post by **Kinetic** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 9:29 am

[quote="karmic marshmellow"][quote="Kinetic"]
I find that once you stop looking for a mate and put your energies into other things, those other things often offer up the person you were looking for.quote]

That's a great way of ending this by saying: Focus on getting the Kansas City Regional Coordinator position, get wrapped up in that and let this other stuff slide and work itself out.

That's the approach I'm taking with one woman, the other is flat out being told no, get over it, get on with your life, go back to Denver and forget about me. It's not gonna happen.

I hope she gets the point, but maybe if I get wrapped up in my BM related projects and I don't answer calls or e-mail, she'll give up and go away. So it's going to be a mix of several people's ideas...I hope it works.

Reba, you can come back now, the kids stuff should be over with.

nymphgonebad · Post by **nymphgonebad** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 9:36 am

"lose my number" usually does the trick.

then again, most guys are too afraid of me to ask for my hand.

III · Post by **III** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 9:48 am

personal signs of a doomed relationship:

- expects a diamond ring as an engagement gift.
- expects birthdays and anniversaries to be more better days than any of the other ones.
- thinks there is a "proper" way to have sex.
- reads cosmo, or glamour, or people magazine.
- won't leave the house without makeup.

Lydia Love · Post by **Lydia Love** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 10:00 am

The one I really had a hard time learning was when the other person would turn to me and say something like

"I'm really not into this relationship thing right now because I really have to [grow as a person/ find out if I could be a moviestar / attend more AA meetings]. But I wouldn't mind continuing to [fuck you / crash on your sofa and eat your food / leave ominous and terrifying messages on your answering machine]."

Basically it took me forever to understand that when the object of your desire *tells* you it's doomed - it's doomed.

Zane5100 · Post by **Zane5100** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 10:00 am

princess strych-9 wrote:beats kicking yourself later when the person ends up dead.

Are you saying that doing something that could be wrong is better than doing nothing...?

princess strych-9 wrote:had this happen to me.

Me too. A couple of times. It fucking sucks.

princess strych-9 wrote:i've never felt so fuckin wracked with guilt even tho i couldn't have done anything.

You're paying interest and principal on a debt that you never owed. I hope you let it go, it's eating you alive.

precipitate · Post by **precipitate** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 10:50 am

> If I marry the ring has to be a carat and that's that.

Anyone buys me an engagement ring with any carat at all is going to
get the business end of something very unpleasant.

An engagement ring that's more than one carrot, however, is different.

Kinetic · Post by **Kinetic** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:14 am

precipitate wrote:> If I marry the ring has to be a carat and that's that.

Anyone buys me an engagement ring with any carat at all is going to
get the business end of something very unpleasant.

And engagement ring that's more than one carrot, however, is different.

I'm confused.....more so than normal!

Out of all the e-playans that post, when I saw Precipitate had posted I admit...I cringed because I was like, oh man, now I've got it coming. She's going to tear me apart. Precip, your posts are always good even if I don't agree with you....so I'm breathing a sigh of relief right now. Whew.

precipitate · Post by **precipitate** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:35 am

Whatever your wedding rituals are, go for it.

I personally think engagement rings are a waste of good jewelry.

I also think that setting an amount to spend on the ring(s), wedding, etc.
is silly. Ferchrissakes, get a dowry already, or spend it on the honeymoon
and a downpayment on your houseboat.

But that's just me. You should do whatever you like.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 1:52 pm

Kinetic wrote:Actually I don't have time for therapy. I sneak e-playa and my prolific posts in between what I do at work. This is my therapy.

I just have to find a way to move the psychobitches off my plate so I can get back to what I can handle which is all of the shit I mentioned.

This is not therapy! I don't know what it is, but it ain't that.

You have to figure out why you attract these kind of woman into your life in the first place. One is bad luck, 3 is a bona fide pattern. I know you're taking care of a lot of people right now, but if you don't take care of yourself, eventually you won't be able to take care of them.

Conscious breathing helps.

Lydia Love · Post by **Lydia Love** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 1:55 pm

This is not therapy!

I second that.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 2:05 pm

Kinetic wrote: Kansas City Regional Coordinator position,

I've heard those positions come with a decoder ring and a strap-on. How can I apply?

<whisper whisper>

Oh, never mind, turns out it's not so different from missionary, but it's more of a mooo-ving experience.

Kinetic · Post by **Kinetic** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 2:10 pm

"This is not therapy! I don't know what it is, but it ain't that."

You have to figure out why you attract these kind of woman into your life in the first place. One is bad luck, 3 is a bona fide pattern. I know you're taking care of a lot of people right now, but if you don't take care of yourself, eventually you won't be able to take care of them.

Conscious breathing helps.[/quote]

One is a psychopath, #2 is playing with meds that she didn't tell me about when we went out. #3...I think is just a matter of simple chemistry running amuk...we have a lot in common, both of us want the same things....I think Shannon and I can work it out. Terry or #2 I'm tempted to just cut communication with but she works in the same place I do so that's hard to do sometimes. #1 though....and I won't name her, she's stalked me at work, home, tapped phones, and done all kinds of crazy stuff. I learned from her roommates that she talks about me every day, plans her future life around me....it's very intense for her. When I stand up to her and tell her no it's like shattering glass, you can see her tense up and she then she gets angry....and she gets very violent when angry.

I could go on and on but restraining orders won't work. I am good at working through problems but this one I can't figure out a way to attack it...and so I posted. She's not in her right mind, how do you communicate with someone on a different level than yourself? And my worries about hurting her, I still hate to do it but the more I think about this the more my anger builds. It has to stop. But how?

precipitate · Post by **precipitate** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 2:15 pm

> restraining orders won't work

Really? She can't get to you from jail, now can she?

Cheesus · Post by **Cheesus** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 4:08 pm

III wrote:personal signs of a doomed relationship:

- expects a diamond ring as an engagement gift.
- expects birthdays and anniversaries to be more better days than any of the other ones.
- thinks there is a "proper" way to have sex.
- reads cosmo, or glamour, or people magazine.
- won't leave the house without makeup.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Kinetic · Post by **Kinetic** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 4:26 pm

Cheesus wrote:
III wrote:personal signs of a doomed relationship:

- expects a diamond ring as an engagement gift.
- expects birthdays and anniversaries to be more better days than any of the other ones.
- thinks there is a "proper" way to have sex.
- reads cosmo, or glamour, or people magazine.
- won't leave the house without makeup.
I couldn't have said it better myself.

I could have used these warning signs a long time ago!

PJ · Post by PJ » Wed Sep 17, 2003 5:47 pm

princess strych-9 wrote:...most guys are too afraid of me to ask for my hand.

Not me. If it ever gets severed in a tragic sawmill accident or whatever, let me know right away, before it even cools off.

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 5:56 pm

It has to stop. But how?

Well, this gentle reader has always subscribed to the idea that ultimately you do know what to do and what needs to happen to extricate yourself from a suck-o situation.

Personally, I believe most people seeking advice are of two camps 1) they hope to get advice or suggestions that run counter to what they intuitively KNOW they need to do and so pursue a course that delays/postpones or railroads the actions based on that advice and there for insures that it either never happens or happens at a later date or 2) they look for advice that buttresses and reinforces the need to act appropriately and accordingly to get out of the situation.

Maybe log off here, sit with yourself and ask 'the little guy' (aka your heart) what it really needs.

precipitate · Post by **precipitate** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 5:58 pm

> ask 'the little guy' (aka your heart) what it really needs.

Just be sure not to confuse that with the other 'little guy.' That
could have disastrous results.

nymphgonebad · Post by **nymphgonebad** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 6:15 pm

PJ wrote:
princess strych-9 wrote:...most guys are too afraid of me to ask for my hand.
Not me. If it ever gets severed in a tragic sawmill accident or whatever, let me know right away, before it even cools off.

that means i'll be putting you in my new living will: in the event of the deceased's untimely tractor accident, mr________ is to recieve 24 hrs prior notification that aformentioned apendage will be sent via fed ex, packed in dry ice and ready for reanimation.

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 6:32 pm

Just be sure not to confuse that with the other 'little guy.' That
could have disastrous results.

I think you're confusing the Little Guy with the Little Admiral.

Kinetic · Post by **Kinetic** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 6:39 pm

How to write this...

I came home from work to find the woman from Colorado on my doorstep less than 5 minutes later. She's the one that lived across the street and was stalking me. It just so happens that I had my mother, my sister and a good friend Nikki from across the street over, and after a few off topic comments I let her know that I had some things to say to her, and I liked having everyone there as they could back up my points.

She was told point blank that I like her as a friend, but for anything else there is no way that it can happen, that it will happen, that it's gonna happen. I told her to quit stalking me, I confronted her with times that she did it and she denied doing it. She's ready to leave at this point saying she had an 8 pm appt. We continued anyway. I made it clear she is not to try and use her Sprint contacts to find me at work or I will charge her Sprint friends with sexual harassment or if that doesn't apply I'll drag HR into it anyway to make their life hell. I want my fucking space, I won't be stalked anymore, and that there is no wiggle room, not even an inch for any relationship, except maybe a friendship where I say Hi and Bye. I don't have time to talk to her, to commit to her anyway and so I made it clear that this was it. I asked her if she understood. She nodded yes. I asked her again, I wanted to hear her say it. She said it. She understood.

Meanwhile she's breaking like a piece of glass and inside I'm freaking because this is not how I am. I hate doing this stuff. But it had to be done. We go outside, I reinforce the message again. 35 minutes of the same thing, over and over again. It's NOT going to happen. Forget about me, it's not happening, move on with your life! But you treated me so nice and made me feel.....it doesn't matter about me, I'm gone! Move on with your life! I am not fucking here!

And with that she left crying...and a long 10 hour drive to Denver ahead of her.

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my best friend Tallinn's death. He passed away 2 years ago...at 4:14 am. My trip to BM this year served 2 purposes. To bring my sister Tiffany out to BRC, and to fulfill Tallinn and his wife's final wishes for his last art. I've told that story but for all this to happen tonight, unexpected, with my entire family behind me....I'm like he was here to give me the backbone and the swift kick in the ass I needed to get it done. I hope there are no repercussions and she doesn't try anything stupid but I did my best. Her part is over with, Terry whom I work with I'll just ignore, and Shannon I'll sit down with and have long talk with.

I didn't expect closure like this and especially with Tiff and my family around. But it's done. Thanks to everyone who offered advice...It helped tonight.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 6:44 pm

Kinetic wrote:How to write this...

I came home from work to find the woman from Colorado on my doorstep less than 5 minutes later. She's the one that lived across the street and was stalking me. It just so happens that I had my mother, my sister and a good friend Nikki from across the street over, and after a few off topic comments I let her know that I had some things to say to her, and I liked having everyone there as they could back up my points.

She was told point blank that I like her as a friend, but for anything else there is no way that it can happen, that it will happen, that it's gonna happen. I told her to quit stalking me, I confronted her with times that she did it and she denied doing it. She's ready to leave at this point saying she had an 8 pm appt. We continued anyway. I made it clear she is not to try and use her Sprint contacts to find me at work or I will charge her Sprint friends with sexual harassment or if that doesn't apply I'll drag HR into it anyway to make their life hell. I want my fucking space, I won't be stalked anymore, and that there is no wiggle room, not even an inch for any relationship, except maybe a friendship where I say Hi and Bye. I don't have time to talk to her, to commit to her anyway and so I made it clear that this was it. I asked her if she understood. She nodded yes. I asked her again, I wanted to hear her say it. She said it. She understood.

Meanwhile she's breaking like a piece of glass and inside I'm freaking because this is not how I am. I hate doing this stuff. But it had to be done. We go outside, I reinforce the message again. 35 minutes of the same thing, over and over again. It's NOT going to happen. Forget about me, it's not happening, move on with your life! But you treated me so nice and made me feel.....it doesn't matter about me, I'm gone! Move on with your life! I am not fucking here!

And with that she left crying...and a long 10 hour drive to Denver ahead of her.

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my best friend Tallinn's death. He passed away 2 years ago...at 4:14 am. My trip to BM this year served 2 purposes. To bring my sister Tiffany out to BRC, and to fulfill Tallinn and his wife's final wishes for his last art. I've told that story but for all this to happen tonight, unexpected, with my entire family behind me....I'm like he was here to give me the backbone and the swift kick in the ass I needed to get it done. I hope there are no repercussions and she doesn't try anything stupid but I did my best. Her part is over with, Terry whom I work with I'll just ignore, and Shannon I'll sit down with and have long talk with.

I didn't expect closure like this and especially with Tiff and my family around. But it's done. Thanks to everyone who offered advice...It helped tonight.

hon, i'm proud of you. i personally hate confrontations but drastic meassures call for more drastic measures. hooray that you didn't let this drag out beyond all reason.

of course, i and everyone else who gave you advice, now expect our consultation fee. i know i've got that paypal account number somewhere around here.....

Badger · Post by **Badger** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:01 pm

Sounds like you opted for Door #2 and that sounds like a good thing.

You know, Kevlar as part of your wardrobe never hurts either.

Flux · Post by **Flux** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 7:11 pm

Kinetic,

Congrats on doing what needed to be done. I know it sucked, and I know it's easier for gentle souls like you to suffer yourself than to cause suffering for others.

Peace,

Flux