Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

helitack · Post by **helitack** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 3:45 pm

Dear E.R. & S.T.
I am now on everyone's shit list. How do I get off the list or do I have to eat shit for awhile? Concerned

regynalonglank · Post by **regynalonglank** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 4:35 pm

Dear Concerned,

since these fuckers won't answer me, i'm just gonna have to answer you! Don't bother eating shit, it won't make any less in the end, and it just doesn't taste good. if you must eat, eat crow, but be sure to pull out all the feathers first...cuz those don't go down so easy.

as for getting off people's shit list, why bother? fuck em, that's what i say! i mean i like you, and really, what more do you need :)

love,

the freelank

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Fri Dec 10, 2004 9:43 pm

Rian Jackson wrote:P.S.

Dear Swimming - want to ask about the money now??

--SurlyTart

Money? You're giving away money? Okay, here goes...

Dear Evil & Tarty (Tartful?),

Where do I pick up my money?

-Overwhelmed By Generosity

Wow. You guys are awesome.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:49 am

helitack wrote:Dear E.R. & S.T.
I am now on everyone's shit list. How do I get off the list or do I have to eat shit for awhile? Concerned

Dear Concerned:

There's nothing you can do but grab a big spoon and add paprika. Everything tastes better with paprika. Or cardamom.

Bon appetite.

-Surly

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:23 am

Sandwichman wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surlytart,

I shook more than three times and nothing happened. What gives?

Mr Palmsatufury

Dear Mr. Palmsatufury,

This only works on your own penis, others you have to shake far more.

Masturbatorily yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:25 am

helitack wrote:Dear E.R. & S.T.
I am now on everyone's shit list. How do I get off the list or do I have to eat shit for awhile? Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Stop dressing as a roll of toilet paper.

Shittily yours, Evil Rob

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:26 am

CoworkerLurker wrote:
Rian Jackson wrote:P.S.

Dear Swimming - want to ask about the money now??

--SurlyTart
Money? You're giving away money? Okay, here goes...

Dear Evil & Tarty (Tartful?),

Where do I pick up my money?

-Overwhelmed By Generosity

Wow. You guys are awesome.

Dear Overwhelmed:

Your money is located on Earth, every couple of blocks. Go inside the little blue building, lift the lid, and find your prize inside.

You can thank me later.

Surly

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:26 am

regynalonglank wrote:Dear Concerned,

since these fuckers won't answer me, i'm just gonna have to answer you! Don't bother eating shit, it won't make any less in the end, and it just doesn't taste good. if you must eat, eat crow, but be sure to pull out all the feathers first...cuz those don't go down so easy.

as for getting off people's shit list, why bother? fuck em, that's what i say! i mean i like you, and really, what more do you need

love,

the freelank

Dear Freelank,

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you- I was staring at Concerned's tits. Wanna fuck?

Repeatedly yours,
Evil Rob

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:28 am

Rob the Wop wrote:
regynalonglank wrote:Dear Concerned,

since these fuckers won't answer me, i'm just gonna have to answer you! Don't bother eating shit, it won't make any less in the end, and it just doesn't taste good. if you must eat, eat crow, but be sure to pull out all the feathers first...cuz those don't go down so easy.

as for getting off people's shit list, why bother? fuck em, that's what i say! i mean i like you, and really, what more do you need

love,

the freelank
Dear Freelank,

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you- I was staring at Concerned's tits. Wanna fuck?

Repeatedly yours,
Evil Rob

Dear Freelank,

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you- I was still staring at Evil Rob's tits. Wanna fuck?

Repeatedly yours,
Surly

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:29 am

CoworkerLurker wrote:
Rian Jackson wrote:P.S.

Dear Swimming - want to ask about the money now??

--SurlyTart
Money? You're giving away money? Okay, here goes...

Dear Evil & Tarty (Tartful?),

Where do I pick up my money?

-Overwhelmed By Generosity

Wow. You guys are awesome.

Dear Overwhelmed,

The money I was going to give you for sex was given to your sister for same- please get money from her.

Incestuously yours,
Evil Rob

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:52 am

Dear Evil/Surly-

A certain "customer" has failed to pay me after services rendered. Should I take him to small-claims court or just sick my pimp on him?

-Cheated

P.S. My sister's business dealings are her own concern, but should I warn her of certain dead-beat customers? I mean, sure, they pay the first time, but after that...

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:00 am

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil/Surly-

A certain "customer" has failed to pay me after services rendered. Should I take him to small-claims court or just sick my pimp on him?

-Cheated

P.S. My sister's business dealings are her own concern, but should I warn her of certain dead-beat customers? I mean, sure, they pay the first time, but after that...

Dear Cheated:

Have you checked on your pimp lately? I think you will find his health to be unsatisfactory. As far as the customer, how about a duel? Your customer's sawed off shotgun against your... salad fork...

Warningly,
Surly

p.s. Please be advised that your sister is too stupid to listen to you anyway.

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:55 am

Dear Evil Rob and Surtytart:

How do I get my ingrate--er, my EMPLOYEE--to just do what I fucking tell him to?

-BigBoss

regynalonglank · Post by **regynalonglank** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 12:08 pm

Rian Jackson wrote:
Rob the Wop wrote:
regynalonglank wrote:Dear Concerned,

since these fuckers won't answer me, i'm just gonna have to answer you! Don't bother eating shit, it won't make any less in the end, and it just doesn't taste good. if you must eat, eat crow, but be sure to pull out all the feathers first...cuz those don't go down so easy.

as for getting off people's shit list, why bother? fuck em, that's what i say! i mean i like you, and really, what more do you need :)

love,

the freelank
Dear Freelank,

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you- I was staring at Concerned's tits. Wanna fuck?

Repeatedly yours,
Evil Rob
Dear Freelank,

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you- I was still staring at Evil Rob's tits. Wanna fuck?

Repeatedly yours,
Surly

ok, ok, you win! i give up...i surrender...submit...oooh, surly tart...nice tits! mumble, mumble...fucking advice columnists...snort...figure out my own damn problems...grumble...note to self, smaller tits may make for better answers :) heh...

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 12:20 pm

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surtytart:

How do I get my ingrate--er, my EMPLOYEE--to just do what I fucking tell him to?

-BigBoss

if I may...

i have learned that a guy will do just about anything for beer or sex, or any combination of the two.

offer to take him out for a beer upon completion of said tasks. it's what i do with my tech crew. and endless flirting when they're doing well. in return they work topless in the summer for me. heh heh.

~tish

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 12:29 pm

tisha2 wrote:
GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surtytart:

How do I get my ingrate--er, my EMPLOYEE--to just do what I fucking tell him to?

-BigBoss
if I may...

i have learned that a guy will do just about anything for beer or sex, or any combination of the two.

offer to take him out for a beer upon completion of said tasks. it's what i do with my tech crew. and endless flirting when they're doing well. in return they work topless in the summer for me. heh heh.

~tish

well, I would but there are a few reasons as to why that won't work.

1) he's a jehovah's witness who thinks sex is a sin
2) he a jehovah's witness who thinks drinking is a sin
3) I think I scare the everloving shit out of him, on a social level...

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:02 pm

Guini...

Have you tried telling him it's God's Will?

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 2:21 pm

tonytohono wrote:Guini...

Have you tried telling him it's God's Will?

Amen... and then tell him that you firmly believe, and know, that God's name is Amon-Ra, and that Charles Mingus is his prophet... He'll run screaming out the door, and then you can hire someone that will do what you tell them to do...

We met several people at the fetish thingy that might work cheap just to be told what to do... but you have to spank them if they don't obey...

Ooooh... wait... this is Evil Rob's and Surley Tart's post... I've intruded... I've be naughty... very naughty... oooooh.... real naughty... what is my punishment... Can I have the Surly One assign it to me? No... I mean the Cute, Little, surly one, not you, Rob...

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:41 pm

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surtytart:

How do I get my ingrate--er, my EMPLOYEE--to just do what I fucking tell him to?

-BigBoss

Dear BigBoss,

Shock collar. This has the added protection of keeping him from barking when he's humping your leg.

Shockingly yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:47 pm

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil/Surly-

A certain "customer" has failed to pay me after services rendered. Should I take him to small-claims court or just sick my pimp on him?

-Cheated

P.S. My sister's business dealings are her own concern, but should I warn her of certain dead-beat customers? I mean, sure, they pay the first time, but after that...

Dear Cheated,

Take your pimp to small claims court, he's not treating you right. Make sure to reserve a slot with Judge Judy. Steal his crack first and call him a bitch- they like it when you do that and it will make the court case more interesting. And remember, just because your pimp points a gun at you- doesn't mean they have the balls to use it. Make sure to mention that.

As to your sister, you should have paid her the first time- now what are you going to tell mom?

Uberpimpingly yours,
Evil Rob

sparkletarte · Post by **sparkletarte** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 9:48 pm

Dear GE (if I may),

Speaking from experience, two words: bossy boots.

[put them on]

Enforcingly yours,

~sparkle t.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:04 pm

geekster wrote:What is the proper way to let someone know that she's ... uhm ... "not so fresh"? I tried leaving a can of Comet and a bottle brush on her desk but she didn't seem to make the connection.

Dear geekster,

Sorry for the long delay, your message got lost in the mail.

So here is the official, well thought out, insightful response.

"Funny, she wrote in the same thing about you."

Please direct all complaint to Bob Winslow in North Detoka. Attach toe fungus to all correspondance.

Insightfully yours,
Evil Rob

Alpha · Post by **Alpha** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 6:54 am

Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

My new neighbor is a world-class asshole who's encroaching on my land. Once I put up the fence, what do you recommend I do to legally annoy the fuck out of him? By the way he has (seemingly) innocent daughters so garden gnomes having sex, while a good idea, is something I want to avoid.

Lydia Love · Post by **Lydia Love** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:54 am

OOOH! OOOOH!

*waving hand frantically in the air*

Can I field this one?

Sounds like the guy needs a new hobby, Alpha! In this area of the world throwing a handful of morning glory seeds onto someone's lawn would be enough to keep them welll occupied for freakin' ever. You can also put up a squirrel feeder and pack it with pumpkin seeds... the little fuckers bury them and random pumpkins start sprouting up... but this means you are relying on the squirrels for a part of your vengance and you're likely to get a couple of surprise pumpkins yourself...

It all depends on what part of the world you live in and what grows well there... but think aggressive weeds...

Zulegoona · Post by **Zulegoona** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:02 am

I can see why the squirrels put a hit out on you,.....

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:03 am

Alpha wrote:Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

My new neighbor is a world-class asshole who's encroaching on my land. Once I put up the fence, what do you recommend I do to legally annoy the fuck out of him? By the way he has (seemingly) innocent daughters so garden gnomes having sex, while a good idea, is something I want to avoid.

Dear Alpha,

Invite the Rainbow Gathering to stay on your land. Mispell the address by one digit. Apologize profusely to neighbor. Do it again in a week.

Evilly yours,
Evil Rob

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:18 am

Dear BigBoss:

As your employee is afraid of things like beer and sex, they can be implemented as threats. For every time he refuses to do as you please, either strip an article of clothing off of him or pour alcohol down his throat. Should these not prove pursuasive enough, read Satanic texts to him while you do this until he cracks.

Tortuously,
SurlyTart

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:22 am

Not to dismiss the effectiveness of satanic texts and all, but any really fun word stated backwards could stir things up in his brain a bit......elbbub ekac ssik.......look intensely into his eyes as you say it, and don't forget to elggig.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:23 am

Alpha wrote:Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

My new neighbor is a world-class asshole who's encroaching on my land. Once I put up the fence, what do you recommend I do to legally annoy the fuck out of him? By the way he has (seemingly) innocent daughters so garden gnomes having sex, while a good idea, is something I want to avoid.

Dear Homeowner,

While procreating garden gnomes are always advisable, ER and ST have heard your stupid aversion to this idea. This leaves you with two options:
1) Kidnap the kids, either to make them no longer innocent and therefore no longer a problem, or to shield their eyes from the gnomes, or
2) Borrow Lydia Love to patrol your property. She's more aggressive than squirrels, and a fair bit more frightening, too. Besides, she knows more show tunes than the average squirrel or gnome. If you can get Lydia to bring her squirrels and gnomes, you are guaranteed success.

Proactively,
SurlyTart

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 14, 2004 9:30 am

What is the proper way to let someone know that she's ... uhm ... "not so fresh"? I tried leaving a can of Comet and a bottle brush on her desk but she didn't seem to make the connection

Dear Smelly,

I defer to Evil's judgement. I've been trying to tell you this for months and it still hasn't worked.

Disgustedly,
SurlyTart

of course, you could just relocate her home to the landfill, contents and all, and no one would notice her smell any more...