your stupid joke here

[graidawg]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

[Ugly Dougly]

A public union employee, a tea party activist, and a CEO are sitting at a table with a plate of a dozen cookies. The CEO takes 11 of the cookies, turns to the tea partier and says, "Watch out for that union guy. He wants a piece of your cookie".

+1

[MisaBlue]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following
password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be
at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.


- this joke was in email from our IT department, I love them

[Simon of the Playa]

two things you should never run with.


Scissors, and Sarah Palin.

[MisaBlue]

[MyDearFriend]

Oh Misa that's too funny, I shouldn't be laughing though ouch ouch ouch...

[Ugly Dougly]

Japan jokes, already?

[FIGJAM]

Too tsunami?

[Ugly Dougly]

This sort of stuff really makes me sick. "Jokes" like:
-If you wanna feel better about this earthquake in Japan, google 'Pearl Harbor death toll.'
-They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
-I was talking to my Japanese real estate agent. I said ‘is there a school in this area.’ She said ‘not now, but just wait.’

I'm looking for more. Let me know if you find any. (Actually I like that last one.)

Oh yeah and I apologize of course.

We laugh through our pain.

[MisaBlue]

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than British or Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you want. It is clear, that what really kills, is English.

[B the B]

Sitting at bruno's a burner walked in and ordered 15 shots. The bartender lines up 15 shot glasses and pours him 15 shots. Right before my eyes the guys slams back 12 of them, one after the other, when the bartender says "Hey buddy slow down! Are you ok?" the man looks at the bartender and says "You'ld be drinking like this too if you had what I had". The bartender asks, "well, what do you have?". Burner replies with a grin, "A dollar".

[Elderberry]

Guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots.

Bartender says "hay buddy, what's the occasion?"

Guy says "I'm celebrating my first blow job."

Bartender says "well in that case, let me give you one more on the house."

Guy says "thanks, but if ten don't kill the taste, one more won't help."

[Ugly Dougly]

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Floridaor the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida! ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[ygmir]

"excuse me miss, would you like to have sex?"

her: "no"

me: "well, do you mind laying down so I can?"

[graidawg]

a man walks into a bar, as he is ordering a drink he notices a guy sat in the corner who has an orange for a head, curious he walks over and asks him "sir i couldnt help but notice you have an ornage for a head". the gentlemen replies well its an interesting story that, you see i used to do house clearances for a living and i found a lamp giving a little rub to see if it was valuable a genie appeared "i am the genie of the lamo and i give you 3 wishes"
so i wished for a pile of money that never runs but can be spent, and sure there was a huge pile of money which still hasnt run out even though i spend it every day, so for my second wish i chose to be able to have sex with a different attractive woman everyday if choose to and nobodt gets pissed about it, and well thats worked out too.
wow says the first gent, and your 3rd wish?
i wished for an orange for a head.



it does say stupid joke in the title

[Elderberry]

a man walks into a bar, as he is ordering a drink he notices a guy sat in the corner who has an orange for a head, curious he walks over and asks him "sir i couldnt help but notice you have an ornage for a head". the gentlemen replies well its an interesting story that, you see i used to do house clearances for a living and i found a lamp giving a little rub to see if it was valuable a genie appeared "i am the genie of the lamo and i give you 3 wishes"
so i wished for a pile of money that never runs but can be spent, and sure there was a huge pile of money which still hasnt run out even though i spend it every day, so for my second wish i chose to be able to have sex with a different attractive woman everyday if choose to and nobodt gets pissed about it, and well thats worked out too.
wow says the first gent, and your 3rd wish?
i wished for an orange for a head.



it does say stupid joke in the title

I can't believe that I never heard that joke before.

[Dr. Pyro]

Graidawg told me that "joke" in London, and it isn't any more humorous now than then. Of course, I was a lot drunker then as well.

[Drawingablank]

There is a reason why so many New Yorkers always seem so pissed off...

The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

[Drawingablank]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra
Nuggets dog chow for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned
me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass
and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

Edit: Just wanted to say I came across that some years back and it wasn't me that did it, although it is something I would have done had I thought of it.

[ygmir]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra
Nuggets dog chow for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned
me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass
and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

*screen wipes, please*

BBBWWWWHAHAHAAHAAHA

[Lassen Forge]

(Empties out keyboard full of coffee, goes to janitorial to borrow mop...)

[MisaBlue]

Ohh, fuck, Drawingablank, I just spitted out the wine on my fathers brand new macbook...hilarious - well your story, not my fathers computer right now..

[Sic Pup]

:wink:

[TomServo]

How do Santa's reindeer's wives keep busy on Christmas eve?

They hang out at the Elk's lodge, and blow a couple bucks.

[Lassen Forge]

Oh Deer!!

[Ugly Dougly]

Stop, stop, I gotta breathe!

[can't sit still]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[The CO]

What kind of bees make milk?

B(.)(.)BIES!

[unjonharley]

\\
One woman in Salem is not fat..
\\


it s a joke son, it s a joke

[jella]

You're on a horse galloping away at top speed. On your right is a sharp dropoff and on your
left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a kangaroo
and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion chasing you...........









Get your drunk ass off the Merry-Go-Round and act your age!