Conflict with S.O.s about going to Burningman

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 11:25 am

Hello all,

This is my first year that I've had a relationship with my current boyfriend. We've been together for almost a year and now Burningman is coming up. As much as I've tried to explain BM to him (how), he is VERY uncomfortable with me going. He's also not the type to go himself.

Does anyone else have someone in their life where BM puts a strain on the relationship? I don't want him to be upset about it, but I've been to BM twice and wasn't able to go last year. I'm determined to go this year.. but his attitude stinks about it. How do you deal with it?

Bin Noddin · Post by **Bin Noddin** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 11:29 am

Check out the "Tough on Relationships" thread:
http://eplaya.burningman.org/viewtopic.php?t=10612

Lassen Forge · Post by **Lassen Forge** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:33 pm

Jodi wrote:Hello all,

This is my first year that I've had a relationship with my current boyfriend. We've been together for almost a year and now Burningman is coming up. As much as I've tried to explain BM to him (how), he is VERY uncomfortable with me going. He's also not the type to go himself.

Does anyone else have someone in their life where BM puts a strain on the relationship? I don't want him to be upset about it, but I've been to BM twice and wasn't able to go last year. I'm determined to go this year.. but his attitude stinks about it. How do you deal with it?

:?

If I may... I went through this last year, and decided to go. My SO got over it (and may actually go this year) and instead of this cancerous thing between the 2 of us aboubeing guilted into giving up something that meant something to me, we both found we can be independent, still be otgether, and have a life.

Had I been forbidden to go? Well, it would have gotten very, very ugly. I sold myself and my dreams and desires out once before for someone I thought was "it" (we'd even gotten married) and I ended up depressed and miserable over it. Part of what killed the marriage.

IF... if he loves you, he'll let you be yourself, rather than imposing himself onto you. He will prolly get over it in due time, and may respect you for "standing your ground". And if he blows you off over something as (honestly) insignificant as you going on a camping trip with friends for a week, was he really all that?

Then again, you may decide that he is far more important and exciting than Burning Man, and you may blow *that* off. And that's OK, too...

The main thing - (1) you gotta be true to yourself, (2) you gotta live with your decision, and (3) hopefully not do what will make you miserable.

Hugz 2 you,
bb

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:42 pm

Thank you guys. BB, you're right. One thing I have always prided myself in is that I do the things I believe in. It's unfortunate that my SO has no choice to be totally off-base with his reasoning behind his dislike, but, he has never been there. It's really sad that alot of people look at BM as an "ugly" or "dirty" thing as soon as they see pictures of naked people walking around

Hugs to you too

grand wizard hornsby · Post by **grand wizard hornsby** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 5:22 pm

I agree! A relationship is shouldnt stop anyone from going out to spend a few days at an orgy-camp with a bunch of other people. Anyone who disagrees is soooooo clueless about our po-mo way of life

Kinetic IV · Post by **Kinetic IV** » Wed Jan 04, 2006 6:18 pm

grand wizard hornsby · Post by **grand wizard hornsby** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 8:13 am

Kinetic IV wrote:

i tried being nice, and saying I'll be good and you're still being an e-jackass

kinetic intraveinous

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 9:10 am

Jodi wrote:As much as I've tried to explain BM to him (how), he is VERY uncomfortable with me going. He's also not the type to go himself.
.....
I don't want him to be upset about it, but I've been to BM twice and wasn't able to go last year. I'm determined to go this year.. but his attitude stinks about it.

Some people never do "get it". As you say;

Jodi wrote:It's really sad that alot of people look at BM as an "ugly" or "dirty" thing as soon as they see pictures of naked people walking around.

And this after nudist camps have been around since forever.

I have to agree with BBS, if it's a good relationship, he will eventually understand, or at least tolerate your going. And maybe he will go, at least once, tho you say he isn't the type.

Not to say he ever will. I have a friend who is a very dedicated Burner (heck, he's a Ranger) who's wife never did take to it. But if you could get him to go just once, I think he'd understand.

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 10:11 am

grand wizard hornsby wrote:I agree! A relationship is shouldnt stop anyone from going out to spend a few days at an orgy-camp with a bunch of other people. Anyone who disagrees is soooooo clueless about our po-mo way of life

What you do at BM is your business

SED · Post by **SED** » Mon Jan 09, 2006 11:33 pm

.

It's really sad that alot of people look at BM as an "ugly" or "dirty" thing as soon as they see pictures of naked people walking around

My vast collection of pictures of ugly, dirty, naked people at BM have long been a source of tension in my marriage and yet, I too blame society.

robotland · Post by **robotland** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 6:41 am

SED wrote:.
It's really sad that alot of people look at BM as an "ugly" or "dirty" thing as soon as they see pictures of naked people walking around
.

My wife has a LITERAL problem with the "dirtyness"...She's "dust-averse". But she has been very supportive of my going, knowing how important it is to me, and even swore to come out and play "eventually", if I made a suitable dust shelter for her.

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:47 am

Yeah, it's not a pretty site to alot of people who've never been. When I go, it takes an hour or two to adjust after seeing people with their ta-tas and their johnsons out and then I don't even notice (nor care).

YES! i've been waiting to use the words "ta-tas" and "johnsons".

PlayaPetal · Post by **PlayaPetal** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 8:05 am

you said "ta-ta's" - I haven't heard that in years! Love it.

stuart · Post by **stuart** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 6:31 pm

I went for three years without my wife. No problems. She knows it means a lot to me and she just plain does not dig it.

SED · Post by **SED** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:42 pm

PlayaPetal wrote:you said "ta-ta's" - I haven't heard that in years! Love it.

Bodacious Ta-Ta's

Otisserie · Post by **Otisserie** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 11:27 pm

You've hinted at what his anxieties are but I think you need to get him to be specific and then address them. Is he afraid you'll do drugs? fool around on him? parade nude and get hit on by smooth young boys (or girls)? show up in someone's photo gallery and embarrass him? What?

When you know what is *really* bothering him (and it may not be the first or even fifth thing he mentions) then you can deal with it. Until then you're just going to go around in circles over the issue.

Lorgasm · Post by **Lorgasm** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 6:40 am

I feel where you are coming from. This is just a suggestion I'm going to throw out there. Maybe look for some local burners in your area. See if they are having an regional get togethers. If you find one, ask your beloved to come with you. He can meet the others and see how beautiful they are. This should give him a "taste" of where you're coming from.

You are a beautiful person and we are all behind you on this. Whatever happens we still love you. Good luck.

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:21 am

Otisserie wrote:You've hinted at what his anxieties are but I think you need to get him to be specific and then address them. Is he afraid you'll do drugs? fool around on him? parade nude and get hit on by smooth young boys (or girls)? show up in someone's photo gallery and embarrass him? What?

When you know what is *really* bothering him (and it may not be the first or even fifth thing he mentions) then you can deal with it. Until then you're just going to go around in circles over the issue.

I think the drug aspect and people walking around naked is the main problem for him. He feels that I'm going to be in a bad environment and worries about me, which I can understand. He is somewhat closed-minded about things he doesn't understand so it can be difficult getting him to "accept" and "allow".

It's crazy how you can be in a relationship with someone and be in love with eachother and at the same time something as important (to me) as BM is a big issue. I guess I have to accept the fact that I can't be in a relationship with a person who's a total replica of myself.

PlayaPetal · Post by **PlayaPetal** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:22 am

In 2000 My/our first burn - went with hubby and some friends - Hubby and I had certain expectations which I know now one should never have - not much fun....so hence we didnt get it. My next burn went without hubby with friends - had no expectation and GOT IT - had the best time ever (2004) - went again without hubby 05 - again - great time. Now 2006 Hubby wants to go, and I want him to go, but I am concerened he wont get it again and it will hamper my having a good time. I guess I just need to talk to him and let him know this is my vacation too...no expectations of me either (does that sound selfish or what?) i want him to be able to explore on his own and meet new people and I want to do the same - as well as spend time exploring with him. Well we are a strong couple - I am sure it will be fine. Am I being paranoid?

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:25 am

Lorgasm wrote:I feel where you are coming from. This is just a suggestion I'm going to throw out there. Maybe look for some local burners in your area. See if they are having an regional get togethers. If you find one, ask your beloved to come with you. He can meet the others and see how beautiful they are. This should give him a "taste" of where you're coming from.

You are a beautiful person and we are all behind you on this. Whatever happens we still love you. Good luck.

Good advice. Thank you, Lorgazm! That means alot to me

Magikal · Post by **Magikal** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:58 am

PlayaPetal wrote:In 2000 My/our first burn - went with hubby and some friends - Hubby and I had certain expectations which I know now one should never have - not much fun....so hence we didnt get it. My next burn went without hubby with friends - had no expectation and GOT IT - had the best time ever (2004) - went again without hubby 05 - again - great time. Now 2006 Hubby wants to go, and I want him to go, but I am concerened he wont get it again and it will hamper my having a good time. I guess I just need to talk to him and let him know this is my vacation too...no expectations of me either (does that sound selfish or what?) i want him to be able to explore on his own and meet new people and I want to do the same - as well as spend time exploring with him. Well we are a strong couple - I am sure it will be fine. Am I being paranoid?

No, this sounds very healthy to me. And you aren't being selfish, or if you are it's in a healthy way. Remember, you're important too. As you say, "I guess I just need to talk to him and let him know this is my vacation too...no expectations of me either". Everyone is responsible for their own good time, and they cannot be expected to spend any of their precious single week per year "cheering up" anyone else. There are only seven days to see it all and do it all. Which, of course, is impossible. Which, of course, is why it's soooo coooooool.

And Jodi, all of the above applies to you as well. For one week out of the year, I go to Nevada & try to forget about "the world". In 2005 I went with my brother & nephew, but we only spent a little time together. Mostly we just went off and found our own things, as we all have vastly different priorities & interests. And at the end of the day, we came back and told each other what we had seen. Good idea for you to find some regionals, as this will allow your SO to see that Burners don't bite.

That is, unless you ask nicely.

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:43 am

PlayaPetal wrote:In 2000 My/our first burn - went with hubby and some friends - Hubby and I had certain expectations which I know now one should never have - not much fun....so hence we didnt get it. My next burn went without hubby with friends - had no expectation and GOT IT - had the best time ever (2004) - went again without hubby 05 - again - great time. Now 2006 Hubby wants to go, and I want him to go, but I am concerened he wont get it again and it will hamper my having a good time. I guess I just need to talk to him and let him know this is my vacation too...no expectations of me either (does that sound selfish or what?) i want him to be able to explore on his own and meet new people and I want to do the same - as well as spend time exploring with him. Well we are a strong couple - I am sure it will be fine. Am I being paranoid?

I totally agree with Magikal. You're not being selfish at all! I personally rather go just with my friends anyway. One thing that has always been my biggest fear is going with my SO and then once we got there have separation issues or feeling pressured to do or not do certain things.

I think if you are with someone who's cool with separating and exploring on their own as well, it will turn out positive. BM, to me, is a personal growth experience. Like Magikal, I like to get away from the world for a while and do something great for ME. I try to avoid any possibilty of conflict or negativity.

I guess the best thing to do is talk about all the variables of being out there with your hubby and how you might handle certain situations that may occur.

PlayaPetal · Post by **PlayaPetal** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 12:43 pm

Thanks Loves - I appreciate the feedback - i often do forget to take time for myself...the hubby and will talk

Otisserie · Post by **Otisserie** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:39 pm

Jodi wrote:
Otisserie wrote: snip...

When you know what is *really* bothering him (and it may not be the first or even fifth thing he mentions) then you can deal with it. Until then you're just going to go around in circles over the issue.
I think the drug aspect and people walking around naked is the main problem for him. He feels that I'm going to be in a bad environment and worries about me, which I can understand. He is somewhat closed-minded about things he doesn't understand so it can be difficult getting him to "accept" and "allow".

To me he still isn't being specific. What is it about the drugs and nudity that worries him? You've undoubtably come into contact with drugs and nudity before, so he probably knows you won't die of fright when you see it.

Is he afraid that you will take drugs? And if so why does that worry him? Is he afraid you will OD? Get addicted? Get arrested? Get high and have sex?

What bothers him about nudity? Is he afraid you will join them; and if so, why is that a problem? Is he afraid you will get attacked, get hit on, see some really cute naked guy and have sex? Realize that his penis isn't actually the largest in the world like he told you? Or maybe he fears that you will decide that life with him isn't as interesting as you once thought it was.

So far it sounds like he's giving you very general and vague concerns, and he has yet to tell you what's really bothering him.

Jodi · Post by **Jodi** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:53 pm

Otisserie wrote:
Jodi wrote:
Otisserie wrote: snip...

When you know what is *really* bothering him (and it may not be the first or even fifth thing he mentions) then you can deal with it. Until then you're just going to go around in circles over the issue.
I think the drug aspect and people walking around naked is the main problem for him. He feels that I'm going to be in a bad environment and worries about me, which I can understand. He is somewhat closed-minded about things he doesn't understand so it can be difficult getting him to "accept" and "allow".
To me he still isn't being specific. What is it about the drugs and nudity that worries him? You've undoubtably come into contact with drugs and nudity before, so he probably knows you won't die of fright when you see it.

Is he afraid that you will take drugs? And if so why does that worry him? Is he afraid you will OD? Get addicted? Get arrested? Get high and have sex?

What bothers him about nudity? Is he afraid you will join them; and if so, why is that a problem? Is he afraid you will get attacked, get hit on, see some really cute naked guy and have sex? Realize that his penis isn't actually the largest in the world like he told you? Or maybe he fears that you will decide that life with him isn't as interesting as you once thought it was.

So far it sounds like he's giving you very general and vague concerns, and he has yet to tell you what's really bothering him.

Well, as far as drugs are concerned, he doesn't like them. He has smoked weed in the past, but that was the "past"

I think you're on to something though. I have thought about the fact that it might make him jealous and uneasy that something like BM is of high importance to me. Maybe because of it's importance, he feels it is a part of me that he can't fill. It's something outside of him that he can't identify with. I know he trusts me, but I think he's got a set of morals that BM doesn't fit into for him. And it's like, how can you let them know there's nothing to worry about and all I'm going to do is have an amazing experience?

I just hope as BM edges closer, he will accept the idea of me going more and more. The funny part is, one of his good friends just asked me to get him a ticket for him when they go on sale!

Maybe now that his friend is going, the idea of BM won't seem so crazy to him.

As a side note; the whole discussion I had with my bf about BM was before his friend decided he was going.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 3:20 pm

Dump him. He's an insecure control freak. The condition tends to worsen over time.

bringer · Post by **bringer** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 4:35 pm

[quote="blyslv"]Dump him. He's an insecure control freak. The condition tends to worsen over time.[/quote]

With plenty of unhappiness untill then.

BigCock · Post by **BigCock** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 9:36 pm

The peak of our first year together was her bringing me to my first burn. It was '95 with the mushroom cloud storm, the mudslides ... Amazing. But that was her third burn and she was so obnoxiously jaded already we fought in the car on the way. The weekend sealed the deal between us. We got married labor day weekend the next year - the most beautiful mindblowing day of my life. I'm crying writing this it was so heaven on earth. It was the stupidest fucking thing we ever did. 'cause 2 years later she was done with BM forever and now every year it's: if you really care about our relationship you'll stay home this year and celebrate our anniversary with me. She's right - honoring us on our day, not on any other day, is really important. Why should she have to be alone. And of course for weeks before and after, the playa eats my giblits. But how can I, how could I miss a single year on the playa? IMPOSSIBLE! Every year is better, more complex, meaningful and important for me. As I get more mired in my work, more overcommitted and closer to death, it seems like my week on the playa is what I'm living for, what makes the rest of the year possible. Meanwhile she's come to hate everything about BM. Maybe I should just kill it in it's prime. Go out in flames. Here, I lay myself down on the temple and BURN MY heART.

Or, maybe I'll just go over to Tisha's and get shitfaced.[/u]

BigCock · Post by **BigCock** » Thu Jan 12, 2006 6:01 am

Jodi wrote:... I think you're on to something though. I have thought about the fact that it might make him jealous and uneasy that something like BM is of high importance to me. ...

You've been, he hasn't. You're enthusiastic, he's cautious. Sometimes it's tough for guys to follow, respectfully and openmindedly. Of course it could apply to any gender combo or orientation when there's testosterone in the mix. He may do fine once he goes, but you may have to figure out how not to be the alpha dog for part of the time. Let him show you a thing or two.

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