your stupid joke here

All things outside of Burning Man.
Post Reply
User avatar
theCryptofishist
Posts: 40313
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
Burning Since: 2017
Location: In Exile

Post by theCryptofishist » Fri Apr 08, 2005 1:38 pm

Why don't flounders sing?














Because they're flat.
The Lady with a Lamprey

"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri

User avatar
ibdave
Posts: 3520
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2003 4:09 pm
Burning Since: 1998

Post by ibdave » Fri Apr 08, 2005 3:54 pm

how are pubic hair and parsley alike??














you push them both aside before you eat
I was Born OK the 1st Time....

Don't bring defaultia to Burning Man, take Burning Man to defaultia...... graidawg

User avatar
Sunshine Elf
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:29 pm
Location: in the mddlie of eyrvewehre

Post by Sunshine Elf » Tue Apr 12, 2005 1:34 pm

[quote="antron"]what do you do with an elephant with three balls?


juggle?


this is actually from an old joke book we used to have;

Q: what's white on the outside and green in the middle?

A: a frog sandwich.

ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. that's so funny I slapped someone.
(guess the authors island is still a sea monkey short of comprehending humor, must be a replicant)
Thank you for being us. Please come again.

robotland
Posts: 3778
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2003 8:29 am
Location: Kalamazoo

Post by robotland » Fri Apr 22, 2005 11:24 am

What's four feet by eight feet and really dusty?




......playawood.
Howdy From Kalamazoo

User avatar
theCryptofishist
Posts: 40313
Joined: Mon Feb 23, 2004 9:28 am
Burning Since: 2017
Location: In Exile

Post by theCryptofishist » Fri Apr 22, 2005 11:28 am

Where does playawood come from.











Playatrees.
The Lady with a Lamprey

"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri

User avatar
AntiM
Moderator
Posts: 20227
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 5:23 am
Burning Since: 2001
Camp Name: Anti M's Home for Wayward Art
Location: Wild, Wild West
Contact:

Post by AntiM » Fri Apr 22, 2005 11:49 am

I had to sell my waterskis because I couldn't find a lake on a hill.

User avatar
ibdave
Posts: 3520
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2003 4:09 pm
Burning Since: 1998

Post by ibdave » Fri Apr 22, 2005 4:00 pm

how does Michael Jackson pick his NOSE ?

















Out of a CATALOG
I was Born OK the 1st Time....

Don't bring defaultia to Burning Man, take Burning Man to defaultia...... graidawg

User avatar
gypsymonkey
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2003 3:58 pm
Location: Grants Pass Oregon
Contact:

Post by gypsymonkey » Sat Apr 23, 2005 9:35 am

How do you get a nun pregnant?




Dress her up like an alter boy.

User avatar
Davoid
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:34 am
Location: Los Angeles
Contact:

Post by Davoid » Mon Apr 25, 2005 12:28 am

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?









It's not hard.

(Maybe more funny to the people who don't spend a week frequently being naked around other people frequently being naked, with much non-hardness going on.)

User avatar
othereye
Posts: 58
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:58 am
Contact:

Post by othereye » Tue Apr 26, 2005 4:16 pm

Figured I'd start off with this one. Both the first joke I ever learned, and the longest I know to date:


So this little old man has lived in the country all his life. One day he goes to the corner store and buys a lottery ticket. He wins! He decides that with his winnings he'll finally take a trip to the Big City.

The man boards a tiny aircraft that takes him to a City airport. He's in complete shock as he takes in the fact that there are FIVE terminals! When his flight is called, he's put onto a plane that is almost as big as his west field. By gum it must be at least 100 acres long, he thinks.

When he arrives in the Big City, he gets his wits about him just long enough to call a cab. Instantly a yellow limousine with a little light on top pulls up and tells him to get it.

The guy asks the driver to take him to a hotel.
"Sure, Pal! You want a Big hotel or a little one?"
The guys says "medium" will do just fine, and he's taken to a hotel that is 100 stories tall.

Within the hotel the man is taken to his room. The closet is larger than his shack, the bathroom larger than his barn, and the master suite is about the size of town hall. He asks for a map (of the suite) and directions to a resaurant. The bellhop says that there's a restaurant on the 67th floor.

At the restaurant the man orders a martini and the largest steak they have. While he waits for his order he lifts up the table skirt and notices that his gigantic round table (for one!) is reinforced with steel girders. This upsets him a bit, but moments later his drink arrives. Two young men in tuxedos are lugging a six-foot martini glass across the room. They set it on the table, which groans a little, and present the man with a straw.

The guy starts sipping his martini, and before he even gets a little tipsy he notices what appears to be a funereal procession crossing the restaraunt. It's no funereal though, it's his steak. This time there are SIX guys bringing a platter, bearing a steak. Seen the opening credits for the Flinstones? Then you get the idea.

So the guy's gnawing on his steak, sipping his martini, getting a mighty fine buzz on, when his bladder becomes intolerably full. He calls over the waiter and asks for directions to the mens room. The waiter says it's down the hall, first door on the right.

The guy stumbles out into the hall, giddy and weaving, and enters the first door on the left.

Moments later an employee hears this terrible screaming and thrashing coming from the pool lounge. He opens the door, and there's the little old (drunk, rich) man, yelling over and over...



"PLEASE DON'T FLUSH IT!!!!! PLEEEEAAAASE don't flush it!!!"
"Sometimes, honey, you just have to look reality in the eye and say..... 'what happened to your other eye, dude?!'" - Angela Waversak, as quoted on eriswerks.org

User avatar
othereye
Posts: 58
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:58 am
Contact:

Post by othereye » Tue Apr 26, 2005 4:18 pm

And a couple of quickies....

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. She holds it up and waits for the world to revolve around her.


What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar twenty-five and deer nuts are under a buck.



.... under a buck.

Remember, the 6:00 show is nothing like the 9:00 show. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
"Sometimes, honey, you just have to look reality in the eye and say..... 'what happened to your other eye, dude?!'" - Angela Waversak, as quoted on eriswerks.org

Will
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:19 am
Contact:

Post by Will » Fri Apr 29, 2005 12:53 pm

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?













Because he was DEAD!
Will
www.comicsbyemail.com

Will
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:19 am
Contact:

Post by Will » Fri Apr 29, 2005 12:54 pm

Why did the schizo go into product testing?
3 out of 4 voices liked Tide with Bleach!
Will
www.comicsbyemail.com

User avatar
Isotopia
Posts: 2848
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2003 11:26 am

!!

Post by Isotopia » Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:18 pm

Q:
Why did the schizo go into product testing?
A: To write about it in his blog???

Dustdevil
Posts: 843
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2003 6:10 pm
Burning Since: 1996
Camp Name: Brain Freeze / Got Stickers
Location: West Oakland
Contact:

Post by Dustdevil » Fri Apr 29, 2005 6:27 pm

What happened to the Indian who drank way too much tea?


















He drowned in his Tee Pee!
Those who think they can and those who think they can't are both right.

User avatar
Grizelda
Posts: 58
Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2005 2:35 pm
Location: Mobile, Alabama
Contact:

Post by Grizelda » Mon May 02, 2005 12:19 pm

Once upon a time there was a bear named Barney who walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender asked to see I.D., and he didn't have any. So the bartender refused to serve him alcohol. To add insult to injury, an obnoxious drunk girl pulled his tail as he headed out the door.

Barney was determined to get beer, so he went and got some fake ID and returned to the bar and asked for a beer. The bartender told him he'd just missed last call, and once again would not serve him alcohol. The same obnoxious girl laughed at him and made fun of his woodsy smell.

So the next evening Barney showed up early at the bar with his fake ID, sure that this time he would get some beer. The bar was very crowded because a popular band was doing a live show. Barney waited and waited for the busy bartender to acknowledge him and take his order. He found himself next to the obnoxious girl again, and she told him that she had a rug that looked just like him at home.

Well, that was the last straw. Barney flipped out and flew into a rage and ate the obnoxious drunk girl. This got the bartender's attention. Standing there over the remainder of the corpse, and sticky with gore, Barney growled, "NOW can I PLEASE have a beer?" The bartender, who was either very brave or very stupid, said, "I can't serve you alcohol when you're obviously on drugs." Barney thundered, "What do you mean on drugs? I'm not on drugs!"

"That was a barbituate." said the bartender.

User avatar
joel the ornery
Posts: 2657
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
Burning Since: 1998
Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
Contact:

Post by joel the ornery » Mon May 02, 2005 1:09 pm

Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour
me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"
When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."

User avatar
gypsymonkey
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2003 3:58 pm
Location: Grants Pass Oregon
Contact:

Post by gypsymonkey » Mon May 02, 2005 5:04 pm

A guy walks into a bar and says...


























OUCH!
Living the dream!

User avatar
LostMachine
Posts: 59
Joined: Sat May 15, 2004 4:32 am
Location: Beaverton Oregon
Contact:

Post by LostMachine » Mon May 02, 2005 8:30 pm

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet
above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect
me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we
met, but now it's my fault."
www.LostMachine.com

robotland
Posts: 3778
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2003 8:29 am
Location: Kalamazoo

Post by robotland » Tue May 03, 2005 8:29 am

Mama Skunk had two babies- In and Out. One day In and Out ran off to play, and were gone all day. Mama skunk became worried, and more worried still when only Out finally came scampering back to the warren.
"Go find your brother," she instructed Out, and he ran off. Almost immediately he returned, his brother at his side. Mama Skunk, impressed, patted Out's head and asked, "How ever did you find him so quickly?", to which Out replied,"Easy......Instinct!"
Howdy From Kalamazoo

User avatar
PurpleKoosh
Posts: 1638
Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 11:26 pm
Burning Since: 2003
Camp Name: M*A*S*H 4207
Location: Silly Valley, CA
Contact:

Post by PurpleKoosh » Tue May 03, 2005 2:00 pm

Will wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?













Because he was DEAD!
That one's funnier if you tell these other two with it....

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?













He was stapled to the first one.

Why did the THIRD monkey fall out of the tree?













Peer pressure.
Image
Anything purple is mine. Anything else can be dyed or painted.

User avatar
Davoid
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2005 12:34 am
Location: Los Angeles
Contact:

Post by Davoid » Tue May 03, 2005 2:03 pm

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth
orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby loudly discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,
I can't have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, There was the person who posted ten different puns to the
e-playa, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make the burners laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

User avatar
othereye
Posts: 58
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:58 am
Contact:

Post by othereye » Thu May 05, 2005 9:12 am

:shock: Wow... I was just giggling until I got to #10, and then I lost it altogether.

Weeeee!!!!! *SNORT*

I love this thread.
"Sometimes, honey, you just have to look reality in the eye and say..... 'what happened to your other eye, dude?!'" - Angela Waversak, as quoted on eriswerks.org

User avatar
gypsymonkey
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2003 3:58 pm
Location: Grants Pass Oregon
Contact:

Post by gypsymonkey » Thu May 05, 2005 9:00 pm

Did you hear the joke about the rope?

Skip it!
Living the dream!

User avatar
joel the ornery
Posts: 2657
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
Burning Since: 1998
Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
Contact:

Post by joel the ornery » Mon May 09, 2005 11:12 am

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on he road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and
then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check
is only made out for $50."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

User avatar
joel the ornery
Posts: 2657
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
Burning Since: 1998
Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
Contact:

i find this joke particularly amusing...

Post by joel the ornery » Mon May 09, 2005 11:17 am

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to
talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what
his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office?
And Third - whatever happened to all those things you took
when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue
after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's
right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out
and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you
left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

User avatar
Malochango
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2003 11:23 pm
Location: Up in here!
Contact:

THANKS TO VINCE @ V-MAR!

Post by Malochango » Mon May 09, 2005 11:47 am

So this pirate goes into see a doctor. In the examining room the doctor notices that the pirate has a big ships steering wheel sticking out of the top of his pants.

"what's that there for?" asks the doctor

(now you have to do your best Pirate voice here for this:)

the pirate responds: "are, I dunno doctor but it's drivin me nuts! are"




"are"
Do you like Chik0n like I do?
http://www.soundclick.com/malochango

Hepcat
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2003 11:32 pm
Location: some smoky bar in New Orleans

Post by Hepcat » Fri May 13, 2005 1:23 am

A rabbi, a peuguin, a nun and a donkey walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What, is this a fucking joke!"

robotland
Posts: 3778
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2003 8:29 am
Location: Kalamazoo

Post by robotland » Fri May 13, 2005 8:48 am

(see "I was born in Lovelock" thread)
Howdy From Kalamazoo

User avatar
joel the ornery
Posts: 2657
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 3:28 pm
Burning Since: 1998
Location: i'm the snarky one in your worst fucking nightmares
Contact:

telephone call.

Post by joel the ornery » Mon May 16, 2005 6:16 am

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"

Post Reply

Return to “Open Discussion”