your stupid joke here

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Box Burner
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Box Burner » Sat Dec 28, 2013 8:40 pm

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
Dance in the heart of chaos. . . . .

ὁ δὲ ἀνεξέταστος βίος οὐ βιωτὸς ἀνθρώπῳ
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --- Σωκράτης

.

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theCryptofishist
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby theCryptofishist » Tue Dec 31, 2013 1:42 pm

The Lady with a Lamprey

"The powerful are exploiting people, art and ideas, and this leads to us plebes debating how to best ration ice.
Man, no wonder they always win....." Lonesomebri

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Canoe
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Canoe » Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:35 pm

My name is Alice. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang.", he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?", I asked.
He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,
"What did you teach???"
Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
.
... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

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ZaphodBurner
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby ZaphodBurner » Mon Jan 06, 2014 2:07 pm

The House, the Senate and the White House staff are on a giant luxury ship, and without warning it sinks. Who is saved?

America.
"The Red Baron is smart.. He never spends the whole night dancing and drinking root beer.. "-The WWI Flying Ace

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Thecatman » Thu Jan 09, 2014 7:47 pm

One day a little 6 year old girl says to her father
"Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'?
Her father reply's
"Oh no, some begin with 'If I am Elected, I Promise to....'
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Thecatman » Sat Aug 23, 2014 9:26 pm

One day, a little pig walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender points the way to the bathroom down the hall.
A few minutes later another little pig walks into the same bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender points the way to the bathroom down the hall.
A few minutes later another little pig walks into the same bar, orders a beer.
















The bartender says "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" "Oh no" replies the third pig. "I'm the one that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby FIGJAM » Sat Oct 04, 2014 10:41 pm

Knock knock............................BUMP
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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Ratty
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Ratty » Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:23 pm

Thank you Figjam. Hugs for you.
Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote
I a recovering swagaholic I have to resist my grabby nature VultureChow
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah
We're out there to play like adults with no adult supervision CaptG

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:38 am

The proprietor of Hotel Black Rock City and one of his bros, a successful CEO, are sitting atop their fortress on the outskirts of BRC, under an umbrella, sipping slave labor concocted Mojitos while painting each others toe-nails. Walking down the dusty road in the distance, past the wall of RVs and the security detail, is a young beautiful naive new burner, glowing in the desert sun. As the lone figure continues past without looking back, the one elevated Lord says to the other, "Wow, I would really like to screw them!!!" His bro turns and asks, "Out of what?"
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby FIGJAM » Sun Oct 05, 2014 12:13 pm

(Golf clap)
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:22 pm

On the way driving to the Burn, a newbie reads a sign outside the Paiute Reservation that reads "Turn here to speak to Native American who never forgets."

Curious, the man takes the turning. He comes across the native American man standing at the side of the road.

He approaches him and gives his best "How!"

The native American replies "How!"

"Is your memory really as good as the sign suggests?" asks the man.

"Try me" replies the native American.

"Okay, what did you have for breakfast on July 18th 1999?"

The native American thinks for a moment and then replies, "Eggs."

Amazed, the man thanks the native American and gets back in his car and drives to the Burn.

15 years later, the man returns to the Burn, and sees the same sign. Having forgotten all about the native American until seeing the sign, he decides to go ask another question.

Upon reaching the native American, he again gives his best "How!"

"Scrambled"
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:35 pm

Three newbies arrive in Black Rock City.
They had the essentials covered.
Each had agreed in advance to also bring something to help cool them down, and help the group make it thru their first Burn.

The first newbie had brought along a small pump water mister to use during the day in camp.
They showed the others how nice it felt to have your skin sprayed with alittle mist.

The second newbie had built a FIGJAM bucket swamp cooler for use in the tent.
The others were amazed at how cooler it made the tent interior.

The third newbie brought along a detached car door, though the other 2 were puzzled over, the third was quite happy, explaining that when they were out exploring the deep playa art in the heat of the day, they would be able to keep cool by simply rolling down the window.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Tin Halo
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Tin Halo » Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:40 pm

Know why you can't tell when a pterodactyl is in the bathroom?








The 'p' is silent.

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 3:46 pm

On the way across the desert coming from the east to BRC, three newbies are stuck when their car breaks down far from help.

Each had come with their own desires for the Burn, a hippie, a DJ, and a Greeter, but none of the dreams involved dying in the desert.

After hours staggering across the waste land, the three come across a Genies lamp. Releasing the Genie, each is granted one wish.

The hippie says "I wish I was at Burning Man getting baked", poof, they're gone.

The DJ says "I wish I was at Burning Man spinning the discs", poof, and they were gone.

The Greeter looks around, now alone, and says "I wish my friends were here with me."
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:30 pm

My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake at Burning Man, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he'd still be alive today.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:32 pm

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?", Say it !!!!!!
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:36 pm

A drunk vomits on some sleeping raver at the Burn. The raver gets up and starts yelling. Drunk says, "hey, I don't remember eating that!"
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:11 pm

A blind man walks into a bar, breaks his nose.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Ratty
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Ratty » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:14 pm

I thought he walked into a fish market and said, "Hello ladies".
Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote
I a recovering swagaholic I have to resist my grabby nature VultureChow
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah
We're out there to play like adults with no adult supervision CaptG

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:17 pm

Ratty wrote:I thought he walked into a fish market and said, "Hello ladies".

Maybe had he walked into a fish/poultry market. He is blind, not deaf. The lack of cackling was a giveaway.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Sun Oct 05, 2014 7:20 pm

So God tells Adam and Eve to do whatever, just don't eat from the one tree and don't swim in the river. One day God comes strolling along, doing God-like things, and notices Eve up to her waste in the creek.
"Jesus Christ", shouts God, "I'll never be able to get the smell off the fish now."


Do not blame me for this "joke". Blame God.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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chuckularone
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby chuckularone » Mon Oct 06, 2014 7:55 am

I was gifted some shoes by a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Remember kiddoes, if you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing!

chuckularone:: Pronounced: Chuck-You-Lar-One
http://makerandfixerofthings.blogspot.com
KF4JPE

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Omitimo
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Omitimo » Mon Oct 06, 2014 10:05 am

[media]


Ska-punk and racist jokes are two of my favorites.
But not really.
-lemme know when my post count is high enough for me to be a jerk too

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Conduit
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Conduit » Mon Oct 06, 2014 11:26 am

What do you call four Mexican guys in quicksand?


Cuatro Cinco

p.s. you're welcome...

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:15 pm

This long haired hippie is hitch-hiking to the Burn across Nevada on Route 50. A good old boy redneck with a beer gut, gun rack and a confederate flag sticker on the bumber of his rusting pick-up truck pulls off to the shoulder and gives the hippie a lift. There is a bit of tension in the air, and the hippie can sense that the redneck is eying them over. Finally the hippie blurts out, "okay, okay, I know you want to ask me, am I a girl or a boy." The redneck spits a wad of chew out his window and laughs, "Hell, I don't care sugar. I'm gonna fuck you either way."
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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Lonesomebri
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Lonesomebri » Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:20 pm

Two hippies are sitting in the RV trying to get their volcano pot vaporizer working.
They fill it with pot. Nothing.
They realize that the switch needs to be turned on. Flip the switch. Nothing.
They notice that it needs to be plugged in. So they plug it in. Nothing.
Finally the one hippie tells the other one, "The generator needs to be turned on"
So the second hippie goes out to the gennie, fiddles with the fuel cap.
And drops three tabs of acid in the tank.
"If this is the best of all possible worlds, what are the others?"
- Voltaire, Candide

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tatonka
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby tatonka » Sat Oct 11, 2014 6:11 pm

Whats Forest Gumps password? 1Forest1
" Make me strong , not to be superiour to my brothers , to fight my greatest enemy ....... myself . " Chief Dan George .

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Shoeshine
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Shoeshine » Tue Oct 28, 2014 1:15 am

Yay... thread necromancy!

*must be done in an Irish accent*

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders 3 pints and proceeds to drink a sip out of each in turn until they are gone. He does this again and again until closing time. The barkeep thinks this is a little weird but whatever. This same guy does this every week for a year. Finally the barkeep gets his courage up and asks what it's all about. The Irishman replies "well me two brothers have gone off to America, and if I drink 3 pints at a time it feels like we are drinking at the pub together". Again the barkeep thinks this is weird but to each his own, right?

Well this paddy gets to be a regular and drinks there for long time always with the same routine, until one night he comes in looking devastated and orders two pints.

The barkeep and all the other regulars gather round and express their condolences. " what happened to your brother?" they ask.

The paddy looks confused, and says...





















Oh, me brothers are just fine... It's me that had to give up drinking for lent.
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

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GreyCoyote
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby GreyCoyote » Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:23 pm

Q: What's the difference between Larry Harvey and Jesus?
A#1: 4 holes, but the day isn't over yet....
A#2: Larry sold the temple to the money-changers...
A#3: One less disciple...
A#4: Jesus never owned a Harley Dubois...
A#5: Nothing. Just ask Larry Harvey.
"To sum up my compassion level, I think we should feed the unwanted animals to the homeless. Or visa versa. Too much attention and money is spent on both."
(A Beautiful Mind)

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Postby Thecatman » Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:02 pm

Whats the cheapest type of meat?

Deer balls. They're under a Buck.
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan


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