your stupid joke here

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:09 am

[media]
Frida Be You & Me

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Ratty
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Ratty » Fri Dec 12, 2014 8:07 am

Simon. Damn it! I can't sit here all day watching Old Jews Tell Jokes. (But really I can. It's very addictive.) Thank you.
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah

Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Fri Dec 26, 2014 6:42 am

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Frida Be You & Me

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robbidobbs
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by robbidobbs » Mon Jan 12, 2015 8:32 pm

You know a Finnish person likes you when they start staring at your shoes instead of their own.

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:34 pm

One day a married couple were in a heated argument for the umpteenth time.
Sadly, they decided to call it quits. They're splittin up. Headed for the big D and it ain't Dallas.
The wife starts packing her belongings right away.
The husband asks "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Nevada" she replies
"And what will you do in Nevada" asked the husband
The wife says "I'll give you a hint, I've heard women in Nevada make $400 for what I give you for free."
The husband excitedly says "I'm going to Nevada too" and starts packing.
"What are you going to there" asked the wife.
"I'm gonna watch you try to live on $400 a year."
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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FlyingMonkey
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by FlyingMonkey » Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:51 pm

"Hey, last night I watched my very first porn video"

(pause)

(general disbelief)

"Man, I was young back then"


It's all in the delivery :-)
In your wildest dreams you can not imagine the marvelous SURPRISES that await YOU.

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unjonharley
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by unjonharley » Thu Jan 29, 2015 2:11 pm

Arbitrator: A cook who leaves Arby's to work for McDonold's
I'm the contraptioneer your mother warned you about.

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by FIGJAM » Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:57 am

Image
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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robbidobbs
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by robbidobbs » Sat Feb 14, 2015 9:09 pm

I had a friend that married a librarian.
At the ceremony she didn't get a ring, he just stamped her:
NOT FOR CIRCULATION

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tatonka
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by tatonka » Tue Feb 17, 2015 12:41 pm

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed by the masses.
-Plato

If a good man is offered power , he has to lower himself to pick it up .

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Zumaria
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Joke master thread

Post by Zumaria » Wed May 27, 2015 9:02 pm

Hello fellow burners! I've been needing an influx of new jokes and you're just the sort of ruffians that can help me out! Let's share!

I'll go first.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! Hardy har har!

Ha! But seriously, lay it on me. Here's another -

There is a man who goes to confession.

Priest: "Yes my son?"
Man: "Father, I've sinned. During world war II I harbored a Jew from the Nazis. In exchange, I made her pay me in sexual favors."

Priest: "Ah well, that was a long time ago my son. Do 10 hail marys and all will be forgiven."
Man: "Oh, thank you Father! I need one more piece of advice..."

Priest: "Yes my son?"
Man: "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Bahahaha

Go!

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FIGJAM
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Re: Joke master thread

Post by FIGJAM » Wed May 27, 2015 10:49 pm

I don't think about sex much anymore, so I guess I have no sex drive.

But I'll keep my thumb out and hope somebody will give me a ride!!! 8)
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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Eric
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Eric » Wed May 27, 2015 11:08 pm

Note: I've merged the new "Joke Master" thread with the existing joke thread. I'm all tidy like that. :lol:
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Please read above link for all official information.

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Zumaria
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Zumaria » Thu May 28, 2015 10:53 am

Eric wrote:Note: I've merged the new "Joke Master" thread with the existing joke thread. I'm all tidy like that. :lol:
It's very tidy and very beautiful - thank you! Now I have tons of pages of new jokes to read through!! Good bye productive work day.... ;)

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Ratty
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Ratty » Sun Oct 25, 2015 8:44 am

Good morning jokesters. Heard any good ones lately?
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah

Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer

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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Sun Oct 25, 2015 7:58 pm

Every Friday evening a good ol boy, we'll call him Bubba, would fire up his grill and cook venison steak. All of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and Catholic's don't eat meat on Friday. The delightful aroma of grilling venison filled the neighborhood and caused such a problem for the faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest paid Bubba a visit and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and studying, Bubba attended mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water on him he said, 'You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were relieved, until Friday evening rolled around and the delightful aroma of grilled venison filled the air. The neighbors called the priest who rushed over to Bubba's house with a rosary being prepared to scold him. The priest stopped in his tracks and stared in amazement.

There was Bubba standing over his grill with a bottle of holy water sprinkling it over the grilling meat chanting, 'You was born a deer, you was raised a deer, now you is a catfish.'
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Canoe
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Canoe » Sun Nov 15, 2015 4:54 pm

Texas Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"
Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
.
... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

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Canoe
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Canoe » Sun Nov 15, 2015 4:59 pm

Reason to not check email while on the phone or conference call, no matter how bored you are...
... someone could email you an mp3 of a flushing toilet.

(I know some of you fuckers gentle people are going to get or make such a file...)
Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
.
... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Tue Nov 17, 2015 6:44 pm

54 years ago, Elmer Harrison, a Montana mountain man was drafted into the U.S. Army.
On his first day of basic training, the Army issued Elmer a comb.
That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all Elmers hair.
The second day the Army issued Elmer a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist extracted seven of Elmers teeth.
On the third day the Army issued Elmer a jock strap,
and they have been searching for him for the past 50 years
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Tue Nov 17, 2015 7:26 pm

Elmer Harrison
Hopefully a fictitious name
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri Dec 25, 2015 10:18 pm

A blond
at work was typing in her password which was
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldDaisyLincoln.

A fellow employee observed her typing it and asked why she had such a big password.
The blond replied "Helllooooo! It has to be eight characters and a capital."
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri Dec 25, 2015 10:35 pm

For several years a man had been having an extra marital affair with and Italian woman.
One night she confides that she is pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money to go back to Italy to have the child
and if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would arrange for child support until the child turns 18.
She agrees but asks how she should inform him when the child is born.
To keep things discrete, when the child is born he instructs her to send him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back and
he will then arrange for child support.
One day several months later he comes home from work to his confused wife.
"Honey" she says, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Give it to me and I'll explain it later" he says.
The wife hands him the postcard and watched as he read the card, turn a whiter shade of pale and faint.
On the card was written
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, Two without. Send more sauce.
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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BeeWeeDee
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by BeeWeeDee » Tue Jan 05, 2016 12:20 pm

A man and his wife walked into a Dentist's Office. The man
said to the Dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for
us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want
you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00
AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's
9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'


The Dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain." So the
Dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it Sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . .
The next morning you will wake up pretty much your old self except that a very unusual 16 hours will have been added to your store of life experience.

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Canoe
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Canoe » Tue Jan 05, 2016 6:25 pm

A teacher is discussing biology with her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a little kitty who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher smiled and asked the girl to share this with the class.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It was.", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... but the rottweiler ate him before he could get out "Fuck off!"
Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
.
... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

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three-toed sloth
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by three-toed sloth » Sun Jan 10, 2016 12:16 am

what'd the ocean say to the shore?

nothing, it just waved

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Zona
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Zona » Sun Jan 10, 2016 5:12 pm

    The grand master Cosby has spoken.
    Laika and me went on a ride.

    Meat Hunter
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    Re: your stupid joke here

    Post by Meat Hunter » Thu Jan 14, 2016 7:32 am

    What quivers at the bottom of the ocean?

    I don't know. What quivers at the bottom of the ocean?

    A nervous wreck.
    Specializing in Calibrating Windsocks -- Any where, Any Time, and Any elevation.

    Vidi ego exars.

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    Canoe
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    Re: your stupid joke here

    Post by Canoe » Thu Feb 11, 2016 7:54 pm

    What's the difference between the people in Dubai and those in Abu Dhabi?

    The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones.
    But the people in Abu Dhabi do.
    Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
    .
    ... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

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    Captain Goddammit
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    Re: your stupid joke here

    Post by Captain Goddammit » Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:40 am

    What does an epileptic vegan eat for lunch?

    seizure salad
    GreyCoyote: "At this rate it wont be long before he is Admiral Fukkit."

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    BeeWeeDee
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    Re: your stupid joke here

    Post by BeeWeeDee » Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:14 pm

    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
    Multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

    Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet
    round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" the doctor asks.

    "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my
    wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after
    that!"
    The next morning you will wake up pretty much your old self except that a very unusual 16 hours will have been added to your store of life experience.

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