your stupid joke here

All things outside of Burning Man.
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Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri May 19, 2017 8:31 pm

One Friday afternoon two male warehouse workers were in the break room taking a break, talking about how exhausted they are. A female coworker here's them and she says "I bet I can get the boss to give me the day off." One of them says "well how are you gonna do that?" She winks and says "just watch" :wink:
The boss comes in the break room and here the woman is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The boss angrily asks "What are you doing" The woman replies "I'm a lightbulb" and the boss says I think you've been working to hard. You need to take an early weekend."
So the two men start to follow her as she leaves and the boss yells, "Where do you think you're going" One man says "We're going home. You don't expect us to work in the dark do you"
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by FIGJAM » Sat May 20, 2017 5:54 am

"I don't know what these playa boots are laced with, but I been trippin all day!!!"
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Sat May 20, 2017 11:39 pm

An old farmer and his wife were talking while leaning on the fence of their hog pen when his wife wistfully recalls that next week will be their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Lets have a big party Billy Joe Cahill. You'll have to kill a pig." she suggests.

The old farmer takes off his straw hat and scratches his head and says
"Gee Ethel. I don't know why the pig should take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago."
Last edited by Thecatman on Sat May 20, 2017 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Sat May 20, 2017 11:43 pm

Apple announced that it has developed a breast implant that can play music.
It's called the iTa-Tas and will cost between $500-$700 depending on cup size, storage capacity etc.
This is a major breakthrough since women are always complaining that men are always staring at their breasts and not listening to them. :coffee:
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Shoeshine
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Shoeshine » Mon May 22, 2017 9:09 pm

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman.

...

...
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:17 am

One day a wife asks her husband how he would describe her
"Well" he says "I think you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J."
Kinda pissed the wife says "Whats that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
Flattered the wife says "well what does I and J stand for?"
"I'm Joking."
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Ratty
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Ratty » Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:44 am

So I was out the other night and spied a really hot older gentleman. I think he was German. I chatted him up for a while and then asked him for his number. Funny, his number doesn't work. It's 999-9999.
Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote
I a recovering swagaholic I have to resist my grabby nature VultureChow
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah
We're out there to play like adults with no adult supervision CaptG

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by FIGJAM » Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:19 pm

If you have a girlfriend with a lazy eye, are you surprised that she is seeing somebody on the side???
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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Perpetual Burn
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Perpetual Burn » Sat Jul 22, 2017 1:26 am

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Buy everyone a drink except that black guy."

The black guy says, "Thank you."

The guy comes back the next day and says, "Buy everyone a drink except that damn black guy."

The black guy says with a smile, "Thank you."

The guy comes back again and says, "Buy everyone a drink except that fucking black guy!"

Once again the black guy says, "Thank you."

Incredulously the man demands, "Why the fuck do you keeping saying 'thank you' every time I buy everyone a drink except you?!"

The black guy laughs and says, "Because I own the bar."
I and I, Robot
Of Love, Logos, Providence
Protector of Karma, Lord of Nirvana
Of Divine Immanence
Infinite Burn, Eternal Grace
God Speed

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri Aug 04, 2017 8:12 pm

Why are "cell" phones called,
"cell" phones?




































Because people are imprisoned by them!
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:43 pm

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Dr. Pyro
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Dr. Pyro » Tue Aug 15, 2017 9:11 am

<rolling eyes> For the 1000th post I was hoping beyond hope for better. Well, it is the Stupid Joke thread.

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Thu Aug 17, 2017 6:58 pm

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Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:26 pm

A male portobello mushroom strolls into a saloon, bellies up to the bar.
The bar tender says "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms"
The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy"
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:34 pm

A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument during breakfast.
The doctor stands up and yells "Well you're not that great in bed either" and storms out the door and goes to work.
Throughout the morning the doctor is thinking about what he said and reasons "I have to apologize. I'll call her during lunch."
Noon time comes and the doctor calls his wife. The phone rings and rings and rings. Finally she answers right before the answering machine kicked in.
The doctor angrily asked "What took you so long to answer?"
"I'm in bed" was his wifes reply. "Why are still in bed? It's past noon" asked the doctor
"I'm getting a second opinion about what you said this morning"
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Canoe
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Canoe » Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:21 pm

Sister buys a new leather purse.
Gets it home, notices a tag that says "Vegan Leather".
Tells her best friend.
Best friend: "That's bullshit! How would they know what the cow ate!"
Video games are giving kids unrealistic expectations on how many swords they can carry.
.
... but don't harm the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

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tatonka
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by tatonka » Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:36 pm

The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent out to investigate.
Department of Labor employee : I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
Farmer : Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room
and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all
the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.


Department of Labor employee : That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer : That would be me.
Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood, let alone believed by the masses.
-Plato

Thecatman
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Thecatman » Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:23 am

A farmer gets in his pickemup truck and drives down the road to his neighbors farm.
He knocks on the door and a 11 year old boy answers.
"Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer. "No, they went into town."
"How about your older brother Howard, is he here?" "No, he went with mom and dad."
The farmer stands there all flustered and mumbling when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are if you need to borrow something or I can give dad a message."

"No I need to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Lucy pregnant."
The boy replys "You need to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for bulls and $200 for pigs,
but I don't know what he'll charge for Howard."
My cats are cuter than your grandkids!

"Government is not the solution to our problems, government is the problem." Ronald Reagan

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your saint stupid day joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Mon Mar 12, 2018 5:16 am

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Perpetual Burn
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Perpetual Burn » Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:32 pm

Image
I and I, Robot
Of Love, Logos, Providence
Protector of Karma, Lord of Nirvana
Of Divine Immanence
Infinite Burn, Eternal Grace
God Speed

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Thu Mar 15, 2018 4:30 am

^ so very very meta ^
Frida Be You & Me

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XPTom
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by XPTom » Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:48 am

how many old burners does it take to change a light bulb?

just one to change the bulb, and 5 more to reminisce how good the old bulb was
How many old burners does it take to change a light bulb? Just one to change the bulb..... and five more to reminisce how good the old bulb was....

flexibility is the key to success....... and poor planning is the key to flexibility

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:46 am

Frida Be You & Me

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Dr. Pyro
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Dr. Pyro » Mon Mar 26, 2018 9:14 am

This thread is "your stupid joke here", not "your stupid idiot here".

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some seeing eye
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by some seeing eye » Mon Mar 26, 2018 9:37 am

The burner died.

They were met by St Peter at the gates.

St Peter: "You have lived a long burner life. Would you like to go to heaven or hell?"

Burner: "Why don't you show me both so I can decide."

So first St Peter takes the burner to hell. After walking through all the circles of hell, St Peter opens the door to the special room for burners. There are rows and rows extending beyond the horizon of burners at their computers typing furiously. It's about 200 degrees and there are flames everywhere. There is a foot deep layer of playa dust and 90mph winds reducing the visibility to 6 inches. There are devils whipping the burners and exclaiming the ticket sale is now and there are only a few minutes left!

Burner: "This doesn't seem like a place I would like to spend the rest of eternity. What is heaven like for burners?"

So St Peter takes the burner to heaven. After walking through all the cloud rooms of heaven, St Peter opens the door to the special room for burners. There are rows and rows extending beyond the horizon of burners at their computers typing furiously. It's about 200 degrees and there are flames everywhere. There is a foot deep layer of playa dust and 90mph winds reducing the visibility to 6 inches. There are angels whipping the burners and exclaiming the ticket sale is now and there are only a few minutes left!

Burner: "This doesn't seem like a place I would like to spend the rest of eternity. But, St Peter, I don't see a difference between burner heaven and hell."

St Peter: "There is a HUGE difference between burner heaven and hell. In burner heaven, you actually get a ticket."
increasing the signal to noise ratio with compassion

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Simon of the Playa
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Simon of the Playa » Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:47 pm

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Spadge63
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Spadge63 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 5:35 pm

I really enjoy taking a marine biology class, but my grades are below "C" level.
“And he didn't get tired or sleepy, for the beauty burned in him like fire.”
― John Steinbeck

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Perpetual Burn
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Perpetual Burn » Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:23 pm

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,

“I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile,

“Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,

“Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds,

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,

“I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out,

“What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

“Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ” Ma dam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

“That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says,

“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t,” she says.

“I was behind you in McDonald’s.”
I and I, Robot
Of Love, Logos, Providence
Protector of Karma, Lord of Nirvana
Of Divine Immanence
Infinite Burn, Eternal Grace
God Speed

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Perpetual Burn
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by Perpetual Burn » Tue Apr 24, 2018 12:50 pm

How to (not) land chicks you meet on Tinder...
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I and I, Robot
Of Love, Logos, Providence
Protector of Karma, Lord of Nirvana
Of Divine Immanence
Infinite Burn, Eternal Grace
God Speed

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FIGJAM
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Re: your stupid joke here

Post by FIGJAM » Thu May 03, 2018 6:14 am

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"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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