A Handy Guidebook for Cults.

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Sun Jan 06, 2008 7:17 pm

Feel Free to add more, as this is just a few to get us started.

Mormons - You get your own planet when you die. The more wives you have on earth, the more planets you get. Elite members get their own pair of magic underwear.

Scientologists - A cheap science fiction story by mediocre writer, L. Ron Hubbard, about a space opera that happened 75 million years ago. Anyone who reads the story without paying the Board of Directors enough money will get pneumonia and die.

Jehovah's Witnesses - A social group of fat old colored women who shop at K-mart and knock on doors, begging for food. They don't celebrate holidays or birthdays. They believe that hospitals are evil and that Jesus was really the angel Michael and He died on a stake instead of a cross. Their core belief is that since 1884, God works behind a small desk in an office in Brooklyn, New York.

Quakers - Modern day peasants who live on a strict diet of oats and practice idolatry by praying to an image of their god imprinted on oversized cardboard canisters of oatmeal.

Seventh Day Adventists - Snooty pick and choose bible literalists who believe Saturday is the Sabbath since it is the literal last day of the week, but they ignore verses about God's command to stone their disobedient children.

Catholics - Pope loving, bead counting, ring kissing, altar boy buggering, genuflecting, Mary worshipping, candle lighting, superstitious folks who get marital advice from men who wear skirts.

Muslims - Ravenous, blood thirsty, Moon worshipping descendents of the damned and hellbound son of Abraham (Ishmael). Gene Rodenberry modeled his popular Klingon race on the television series "Star Trek" after these real life barbarians.

Hindus - Brown skinned, cow worshipping, rice eating people from far away lands.

Wiccans - Pale faced, overweight, body piercing, tree worshipping Satanists who get their kicks at renaissance festivals, playing Dungeons and Dragons and vandalizing Baptist churches.

Yogis - Sex addicted skinny granola crunchers who believe that if you can tie your body into a knot you will reach enlightenment through extended orgasms.

Vegans - Modern day witches who are seduced by evil spirits into mocking God by ignoring His order for us to eat meat (1 Timothy 4:1-3).

Amwayism - Individual distributors under the control of unseen dark forces to do nothing but sell Tupperware products.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:44 pm

is there a cult of lovely nymphomaniacs in search of 50 year old men?

oneeyeddick · Post by **oneeyeddick** » Sun Jan 06, 2008 10:33 pm

Hefnerism-
A group of Succubus that only find the nourishment they need from the blood of men well past thier prime.
They usually practice thier taboo rituals in groups of three.
Thier membership is exclusive to only blondes with breast implants and when they finish slowly draining the life essence from thier unsuspecting victims,
they will use thier rib bones to make predictions of the future.
They are easy to spot, as they are almost always in swimming pools or hot tubs and when they are in public they wear nothing but bikinis.

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 1:37 pm

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

A good read too see just how ridiculous the bible, koran, and book of mormon really are.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 1:49 pm

Atheism- I can't believe you just said that.

Box Burner · Post by **Box Burner** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:32 pm

Druids, you forgot Druids!

I need to find a tree so I can go take a leak.

Box Burner · Post by **Box Burner** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:35 pm

Toolmaker wrote:http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

A good read too see just how ridiculous the bible, koran, and book of mormon really are.

And I bet the folks who wrote that are experts on the history of communication and ancient languages that predate written history aren't they?

Toolmaker · Post by **Toolmaker** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 7:32 pm

Box Burner wrote:
Toolmaker wrote:http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

A good read too see just how ridiculous the bible, koran, and book of mormon really are.
And I bet the folks who wrote that are experts on the history of communication and ancient languages that predate written history aren't they?

I dunno.. but theres some wacky shit pointed out.. shit I missed when I read the thing a few times.

BTW I am not an atheist. I just don't believe one word of any of the "big 3".

Apollonaris Zeus · Post by **Apollonaris Zeus** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:18 pm

Hellenics- they put the "H" in Hell!

dragonfly Jafe · Post by **dragonfly Jafe** » Tue Jan 08, 2008 7:28 pm

what about the moonies, or republicans, or burners? Surely they are cults also....and then there are the kinetic sculpture racers....