This little burner needs relationship advice.............
Well, as Im suppose to be doing other things besides plunking the keyboard, Ill try to make this as clean and simple as possible....
You said: "you have been in a RELATIONSHIP for over a year."
He said: "he wouldn't DATE any woman who desired to go there."
So Who's in the relationship...sounds kinda like only you....he's just dating...right?
A guy you date has no bearing on what YOU want to do.
He is after all just a DATE...
Being true to oneself is the only true way to find LOVE, REAL LOVE!
Until you are prepared to be completely and honestly yourself, OUT LOUD and be accepted and actually admired for these gifts...Move on....
You said: "you have been in a RELATIONSHIP for over a year."
He said: "he wouldn't DATE any woman who desired to go there."
So Who's in the relationship...sounds kinda like only you....he's just dating...right?
A guy you date has no bearing on what YOU want to do.
He is after all just a DATE...
Being true to oneself is the only true way to find LOVE, REAL LOVE!
Until you are prepared to be completely and honestly yourself, OUT LOUD and be accepted and actually admired for these gifts...Move on....
Names pinemom, but my friends call me "Piney".
- flatlander13
- Posts: 265
- Joined: Tue May 20, 2008 11:53 am
Sorry to hear you are in this relationship.
Me……I would just tell him that I’m going in 2011…..not kind of want to go in 2011…….I’m going in 2011…..lets talk…….who knows where the conversation will go from there……but, it’s a conversation to be had.
There are ways to make Burning Man an event for both of you…..and he doesn’t even have to go. My wife has no interest in Burning Man. What we do is; she flies to Reno and is waiting when I come out…..we spend a couple of days in Reno……she gets to meet up with my Burner Family……she flies home, I drive home……it works for both of us.
If your boyfriend and you can’t workout you going to Burning Man, then……………kidnap him……..take him to the burn in a bag……….when you open the bag, he and you are both harnessed up in Thunder Dome……….then you kick the living shit out of him……….after that…….he realizes how much fun he is having and that he was an asshat…….he apologizes……….and your first child is conceived not 10 feet away from Thunder Dome…….with the crowd cheering you on…………….Isn’t Burning Man romantic.
Me……I would just tell him that I’m going in 2011…..not kind of want to go in 2011…….I’m going in 2011…..lets talk…….who knows where the conversation will go from there……but, it’s a conversation to be had.
There are ways to make Burning Man an event for both of you…..and he doesn’t even have to go. My wife has no interest in Burning Man. What we do is; she flies to Reno and is waiting when I come out…..we spend a couple of days in Reno……she gets to meet up with my Burner Family……she flies home, I drive home……it works for both of us.
If your boyfriend and you can’t workout you going to Burning Man, then……………kidnap him……..take him to the burn in a bag……….when you open the bag, he and you are both harnessed up in Thunder Dome……….then you kick the living shit out of him……….after that…….he realizes how much fun he is having and that he was an asshat…….he apologizes……….and your first child is conceived not 10 feet away from Thunder Dome…….with the crowd cheering you on…………….Isn’t Burning Man romantic.
While I hesitate to summarily just say dump the dude, his negative and judgmental, and completely uninformed, response apparently leaves no room for compromise or swaying his decision. Like many others have pointed out, it's a control issue.
I had a similar situation when I went to my first burn, except it was from my wife of some 20 years. I had put off going to BM for way too long and when things really got bad and I decided then and there to go alone. She was unfaithful to me, wanted a divorce and was unwilling to change anything about the situation so divorce seemed pretty much unavoidable, but I still held out the possibility (foolishly) of turning things around. I figured WTF, might as well go to BM, can't make things worse, we hardly saw each other anymore and she made it painfully clear that she did not want to be around me and had utter contempt for me when she was around. But when she found out that I was going to BM she really flipped out, full on emotional breakdown, I almost decided against going for a minute until she said that if I really wanted to salvage the relationship I would not go to BM and that I was abandoning her and that I had to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage! Well, I'm forever grateful that I just said goodbye, packed everything into the VW Bus and headed west into the desert and HOME. When I got back she was very nasty, jumping to wild conclusions that I spent my time with "nasty burning man sluts" and all sorts of things that could not be further from the truth. There was no way she wanted to hear the truth about my experience, that it had been one of the most positive, life affirming experiences for me, her narrow pre-conceptions about BM were, and to this day, all she is willing to accept. I say this because I see the same thing happening with your boyfriend if you go it alone. If you stay home to satisfy his demands you will only regret it.
Don't wait until 2011, go this year!
I had a similar situation when I went to my first burn, except it was from my wife of some 20 years. I had put off going to BM for way too long and when things really got bad and I decided then and there to go alone. She was unfaithful to me, wanted a divorce and was unwilling to change anything about the situation so divorce seemed pretty much unavoidable, but I still held out the possibility (foolishly) of turning things around. I figured WTF, might as well go to BM, can't make things worse, we hardly saw each other anymore and she made it painfully clear that she did not want to be around me and had utter contempt for me when she was around. But when she found out that I was going to BM she really flipped out, full on emotional breakdown, I almost decided against going for a minute until she said that if I really wanted to salvage the relationship I would not go to BM and that I was abandoning her and that I had to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage! Well, I'm forever grateful that I just said goodbye, packed everything into the VW Bus and headed west into the desert and HOME. When I got back she was very nasty, jumping to wild conclusions that I spent my time with "nasty burning man sluts" and all sorts of things that could not be further from the truth. There was no way she wanted to hear the truth about my experience, that it had been one of the most positive, life affirming experiences for me, her narrow pre-conceptions about BM were, and to this day, all she is willing to accept. I say this because I see the same thing happening with your boyfriend if you go it alone. If you stay home to satisfy his demands you will only regret it.
Don't wait until 2011, go this year!
I know that this is said easier than done, but cut bait and bail.
If I had to guess, everyone who is telling you to bail has seen this movie before. I know I sure have.
Believe me - there is someone out there for everybody. Someone who will love and accept you for you. Truly you. Unconditionally you. If BRC is home and he means what he says, you're done. Emotionally the relationship is done.
If I had to guess, everyone who is telling you to bail has seen this movie before. I know I sure have.
Believe me - there is someone out there for everybody. Someone who will love and accept you for you. Truly you. Unconditionally you. If BRC is home and he means what he says, you're done. Emotionally the relationship is done.
Treat people like you want to be treated. Really...it's simple and it [i]actually works[/i]
your heart will tell you
Your bf is trying to control you but you are a free spirit. Goto BM, have an incredible, amazing, loving, beautiful time. When you come back, you'll know EXACTLY how you feel about him and the relationship, and what you need for fulfillment. BM is about compassion, support and empowerment. Your bf's statements are not.
i tend not to associate with folks who are against burners...just saying..
:)
i tend not to associate with folks who are against burners...just saying..
:)
Harinama Das
"inner peace is but a universe away"
"inner peace is but a universe away"
All the common sense advice you'll ever need as well as pointers on how to spot manipulative assholes here at Hearless Bitches .
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/ ... anip.shtml
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/ ... anip.shtml
- Ugly Dougly
- Posts: 17605
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 9:31 am
- Burning Since: 1996
- Location: เชียงใหม่
-
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:07 pm
- Location: Utah
Thanks for all of your input, you are all awesome!
I brought it up again, I can't even have a clear conversation with him. "He can't be budged on his morals." I asked him why this pov wasn't brought to my attention from the get go. He said that he didn't anticipate wanting to marry me. At which point I asked him how he could lower his "morals" to marry a woman who would go, nay, have FUN at BM.
You get the idea of the conversation.
Some of your comments made me realize a few things he's said recently that I haven't really thought about. It also made me realize that I don't think our relationship is big enough for the two of us. Or at least for a woman who won't keep her mouth closed when he puts his foot down.

I brought it up again, I can't even have a clear conversation with him. "He can't be budged on his morals." I asked him why this pov wasn't brought to my attention from the get go. He said that he didn't anticipate wanting to marry me. At which point I asked him how he could lower his "morals" to marry a woman who would go, nay, have FUN at BM.
You get the idea of the conversation.
Some of your comments made me realize a few things he's said recently that I haven't really thought about. It also made me realize that I don't think our relationship is big enough for the two of us. Or at least for a woman who won't keep her mouth closed when he puts his foot down.

- dr.placebo
- Posts: 980
- Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2004 3:03 pm
- Burning Since: 1999
- Camp Name: Cleu Camp
- Location: Volcano, HI
- Contact:
It appears that his prejudices (I won't call them morals) don't allow any room for your preferences.
The bad news is that this is very unlikely to support a loving and sharing relationship.
The good news is that you are aware of this and you are asking the right questions.
The really great news is that with this background you will be so much better prepared to get into the right relationship with someone who does meet you fairly.
And for extra bonus points, you get to go to the playa.
Best wishes.
The bad news is that this is very unlikely to support a loving and sharing relationship.
The good news is that you are aware of this and you are asking the right questions.
The really great news is that with this background you will be so much better prepared to get into the right relationship with someone who does meet you fairly.
And for extra bonus points, you get to go to the playa.
Best wishes.
- lucky420
- Posts: 9427
- Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:47 am
- Burning Since: 2021
- Camp Name: Dye with Dignity
- Location: Reno, NV
myburningdesire,
oh I am so glad you are realizing this. The fact that you can't even have a clear conversation with him about this is like a big red flashing warning sign. Did he just pull the marriage card? Cuz it sounds just like a pretty sneaky way of trying to control you yet again...you sound like a smart person, listen to your intuition
oh I am so glad you are realizing this. The fact that you can't even have a clear conversation with him about this is like a big red flashing warning sign. Did he just pull the marriage card? Cuz it sounds just like a pretty sneaky way of trying to control you yet again...you sound like a smart person, listen to your intuition
- Trishntek
- Posts: 3463
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 9:27 pm
- Burning Since: 2010
- Camp Name: Retrofrolic!
- Location: Ventura, CA, USA
- Contact:

The answer to life's biggest question!
RETROFROLIC, the place of Pink, Pain and Pleasure!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!
Always remember that you are an amazing woman. And though I don't know you I will say I am proud of you. Many people (men or women) stay in relationships out of fear of the unknown. They say the devil you know is not as scary as the devil you don't know.myburningdesire wrote:It also made me realize that I don't think our relationship is big enough for the two of us. Or at least for a woman who won't keep her mouth closed when he puts his foot down.
I hope to see you in the dust! oh and, come out this year, you still have time!!!
We break to remind us how to mend.
- Fire_Moose
- Posts: 2488
- Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:40 am
- Location: Scottsdale, AZ
- Contact:
- VeganChoirGirl
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 1:54 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, CA
- Contact:
Love
Well, it sounds like he gave you your answer. But! In better news, you're totally surrounded by real supportive love by all these burners, most of whom, I assume, don't know you personally.
Come to the burn. Heal, because even when our relationships are wrong...it still hurts to leave the love behind. And have a freaking fantastic time!
All my love and support.
Come to the burn. Heal, because even when our relationships are wrong...it still hurts to leave the love behind. And have a freaking fantastic time!
All my love and support.
Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!
- Lassen Forge
- Posts: 5320
- Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2005 9:35 pm
- Location: Where it's always... Wednesday. Don't lose your head over it.
Hear hear!!
My spouse and I had totally separate views of BRC - I being a burner, she not, so when I wnet to BRC she would go to Big Sur. Worked really well...
Then we got married. Now, She wants to go to BRC. Since we'd have 2 vehicles going, she could bail if she didn't like it, but at least she was willing to see what her wife's world was all about.
Unfortunately - she got accepted into a doctoral program, which starts a week before BRC. Talk about SHITTY luck... but stuill, that's what a relationship is about - sharing each other's thing, and realizing sometimes you don't have similar intrests, and being willing to do our own thing, even if it is totally different, and still be together.
Personally - if you and this guy aren't married (still not too sure about that one) and he dropped the "M bomb" on you to keep you rom going, I'd run. No, I'd FRACKING RUN!!!!! Part of being in a relationship - ANY relationship - is being strong enough to stand up for your convictions. If he can't handle it, you need to hopefully realize you are not a piece of trash to be fracked with, or dirt to be walked upon, but a person, hopefuully a strong, independant woman, who will take none of that crap.
My last marriage ended that way. He was a cop, and had all that machismo baggage, and I was pretty... um... wimpy. (Yes, really!) I realized I was no longer going to be a floormat, as he was starting to treat me. Learned a lot about myself on that one, the most important was I was important to ME, and if HE couldn't deal with it, then HE could go stuff. Made me a much stronger, and deterined woman. Sure, it hurt like hell, but staying... would have hurt more.
IIn your shoes... I would go. If he don't like it, tough - he's doing you no favors. And if you get there, stop by for a free vodka shooter, gratis, natch. We'll toast new beginnings!
bbs
My spouse and I had totally separate views of BRC - I being a burner, she not, so when I wnet to BRC she would go to Big Sur. Worked really well...
Then we got married. Now, She wants to go to BRC. Since we'd have 2 vehicles going, she could bail if she didn't like it, but at least she was willing to see what her wife's world was all about.
Unfortunately - she got accepted into a doctoral program, which starts a week before BRC. Talk about SHITTY luck... but stuill, that's what a relationship is about - sharing each other's thing, and realizing sometimes you don't have similar intrests, and being willing to do our own thing, even if it is totally different, and still be together.
Personally - if you and this guy aren't married (still not too sure about that one) and he dropped the "M bomb" on you to keep you rom going, I'd run. No, I'd FRACKING RUN!!!!! Part of being in a relationship - ANY relationship - is being strong enough to stand up for your convictions. If he can't handle it, you need to hopefully realize you are not a piece of trash to be fracked with, or dirt to be walked upon, but a person, hopefuully a strong, independant woman, who will take none of that crap.
My last marriage ended that way. He was a cop, and had all that machismo baggage, and I was pretty... um... wimpy. (Yes, really!) I realized I was no longer going to be a floormat, as he was starting to treat me. Learned a lot about myself on that one, the most important was I was important to ME, and if HE couldn't deal with it, then HE could go stuff. Made me a much stronger, and deterined woman. Sure, it hurt like hell, but staying... would have hurt more.
IIn your shoes... I would go. If he don't like it, tough - he's doing you no favors. And if you get there, stop by for a free vodka shooter, gratis, natch. We'll toast new beginnings!
bbs
- Eric
- Moderator
- Posts: 9360
- Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2003 9:45 pm
- Burning Since: 2003
- Camp Name: BRC Weekly
- Contact:
I agree with everything everyone has said- run.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 24 years- you couldn't pay him enough to go to the desert for a week. Complete disinterest in attending. However, when my job wouldn't let me go the last two years he was pissed at them. He knows how important going is to me, and is completely supportive of it.
Thats how a relationship works- your partner understands that sometimes you have different needs, and they support that difference.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 24 years- you couldn't pay him enough to go to the desert for a week. Complete disinterest in attending. However, when my job wouldn't let me go the last two years he was pissed at them. He knows how important going is to me, and is completely supportive of it.
Thats how a relationship works- your partner understands that sometimes you have different needs, and they support that difference.
It's a camping trip in the desert, not the redemption of the fallen world - Cryptofishist
Eric ShutterSlut
Former Ass't Editor & columnist, BRC Weekly
Eric ShutterSlut
Former Ass't Editor & columnist, BRC Weekly
- Trishntek
- Posts: 3463
- Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 9:27 pm
- Burning Since: 2010
- Camp Name: Retrofrolic!
- Location: Ventura, CA, USA
- Contact:
We call it "oddly entertaining"
RETROFROLIC, the place of Pink, Pain and Pleasure!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!
- Bleedingpickle
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2010 2:10 pm
"...morality refers to personal or cultural values, codes of conduct or social mores that distinguish between right and wrong in the human society. Describing morality in this way is not making a claim about what is objectively right or wrong, but only referring to what is considered right or wrong by people. For the most part right and wrong acts are classified as such because they are thought to cause benefit or harm, but it is possible that many moral beliefs are based on prejudice, ignorance or even hatred...morality is not absolute, but relative and constitutes any set of behaviors that encourage human cooperation based on their ideology to get ideologic unity. Biologists contend that all social animals, from ants to elephants, have modified their behaviors, by restraining selfishness in order to make group living worthwhile. Human morality, though sophisticated and complex relative to other animals, is essentially a natural phenomenon that evolved to restrict excessive individualism and foster human cooperation."
Taken like this if he is true to his word, it could be considered immoral to your man to restrict you from participating in an event the enhances your sense of group orientation and unity, whereas it is immoral to you to not participate and succumb to HIS prejudice and ignorance.
Taken like this if he is true to his word, it could be considered immoral to your man to restrict you from participating in an event the enhances your sense of group orientation and unity, whereas it is immoral to you to not participate and succumb to HIS prejudice and ignorance.
Be like water.
- oscillator
- Posts: 578
- Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:30 pm
- Location: heading north on forever street
- Contact:
-
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:07 pm
- Location: Utah
- VeganChoirGirl
- Posts: 712
- Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 1:54 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, CA
- Contact:
I think it's really great that you headed the advice of the burners here on the board and the feelings in your own heart. Even when it's necissary for things to end, I know it can be really hard. Take good care of yourself emotionally and physically!myburningdesire wrote:
Now to re-adjust to the single life.
Glad to hear you'll be back on the playa in '11. Just a little over a year

Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!
-
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:20 am
I think the man's attitude goes well beyond manipulative. He purposely said things MEANT to hurt you, meant to make you feel bad about yourself. That is simply abusive. No need to wait for the abuse, it had already begun.
His comments about morality are more interesting in that context. Here is someone who has no idea what he is talking about, having never been there, holding up his "morals" as a banner - and telling you in essence why he is better than you are. (So much for his morals).
This treatment is insidious and slowly can eat away at you over time.
Congratulations for getting clear of this. Hope to see you in the dust!
His comments about morality are more interesting in that context. Here is someone who has no idea what he is talking about, having never been there, holding up his "morals" as a banner - and telling you in essence why he is better than you are. (So much for his morals).
This treatment is insidious and slowly can eat away at you over time.
Congratulations for getting clear of this. Hope to see you in the dust!
- Frankenstipe
- Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2009 4:19 pm
- Location: Arcata, CA