This little burner needs relationship advice.............

All things outside of Burning Man.
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pinemom
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Post by pinemom » Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:36 am

Well, as Im suppose to be doing other things besides plunking the keyboard, Ill try to make this as clean and simple as possible....


You said: "you have been in a RELATIONSHIP for over a year."


He said: "he wouldn't DATE any woman who desired to go there."


So Who's in the relationship...sounds kinda like only you....he's just dating...right?

A guy you date has no bearing on what YOU want to do.
He is after all just a DATE...


Being true to oneself is the only true way to find LOVE, REAL LOVE!

Until you are prepared to be completely and honestly yourself, OUT LOUD and be accepted and actually admired for these gifts...Move on....
Names pinemom, but my friends call me "Piney".

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flatlander13
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Post by flatlander13 » Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:33 pm

Sorry to hear you are in this relationship.

Me……I would just tell him that I’m going in 2011…..not kind of want to go in 2011…….I’m going in 2011…..lets talk…….who knows where the conversation will go from there……but, it’s a conversation to be had.

There are ways to make Burning Man an event for both of you…..and he doesn’t even have to go. My wife has no interest in Burning Man. What we do is; she flies to Reno and is waiting when I come out…..we spend a couple of days in Reno……she gets to meet up with my Burner Family……she flies home, I drive home……it works for both of us.

If your boyfriend and you can’t workout you going to Burning Man, then……………kidnap him……..take him to the burn in a bag……….when you open the bag, he and you are both harnessed up in Thunder Dome……….then you kick the living shit out of him……….after that…….he realizes how much fun he is having and that he was an asshat…….he apologizes……….and your first child is conceived not 10 feet away from Thunder Dome…….with the crowd cheering you on…………….Isn’t Burning Man romantic.

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Joe Buck
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Post by Joe Buck » Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:34 pm

While I hesitate to summarily just say dump the dude, his negative and judgmental, and completely uninformed, response apparently leaves no room for compromise or swaying his decision. Like many others have pointed out, it's a control issue.

I had a similar situation when I went to my first burn, except it was from my wife of some 20 years. I had put off going to BM for way too long and when things really got bad and I decided then and there to go alone. She was unfaithful to me, wanted a divorce and was unwilling to change anything about the situation so divorce seemed pretty much unavoidable, but I still held out the possibility (foolishly) of turning things around. I figured WTF, might as well go to BM, can't make things worse, we hardly saw each other anymore and she made it painfully clear that she did not want to be around me and had utter contempt for me when she was around. But when she found out that I was going to BM she really flipped out, full on emotional breakdown, I almost decided against going for a minute until she said that if I really wanted to salvage the relationship I would not go to BM and that I was abandoning her and that I had to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage! Well, I'm forever grateful that I just said goodbye, packed everything into the VW Bus and headed west into the desert and HOME. When I got back she was very nasty, jumping to wild conclusions that I spent my time with "nasty burning man sluts" and all sorts of things that could not be further from the truth. There was no way she wanted to hear the truth about my experience, that it had been one of the most positive, life affirming experiences for me, her narrow pre-conceptions about BM were, and to this day, all she is willing to accept. I say this because I see the same thing happening with your boyfriend if you go it alone. If you stay home to satisfy his demands you will only regret it.

Don't wait until 2011, go this year!

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zachass
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Post by zachass » Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:43 pm

I know that this is said easier than done, but cut bait and bail.

If I had to guess, everyone who is telling you to bail has seen this movie before. I know I sure have.

Believe me - there is someone out there for everybody. Someone who will love and accept you for you. Truly you. Unconditionally you. If BRC is home and he means what he says, you're done. Emotionally the relationship is done.
Treat people like you want to be treated. Really...it's simple and it [i]actually works[/i]

Harinama
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your heart will tell you

Post by Harinama » Thu Jul 15, 2010 2:54 pm

Your bf is trying to control you but you are a free spirit. Goto BM, have an incredible, amazing, loving, beautiful time. When you come back, you'll know EXACTLY how you feel about him and the relationship, and what you need for fulfillment. BM is about compassion, support and empowerment. Your bf's statements are not.

i tend not to associate with folks who are against burners...just saying..

:)
Harinama Das
"inner peace is but a universe away"

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Isotopia
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Post by Isotopia » Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:56 pm

All the common sense advice you'll ever need as well as pointers on how to spot manipulative assholes here at Hearless Bitches .

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/ ... anip.shtml

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gyre
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Post by gyre » Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:19 pm

Hairless Bitches?


Is this a lifestyle thing?

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Ugly Dougly
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Post by Ugly Dougly » Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:21 pm

"Heartless", Gyre, you wouldn't understand. ;)

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gyre
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Post by gyre » Thu Jul 15, 2010 4:34 pm

I've met enough heartless too.

Sometimes hairless too, poor, pitiful things.

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ygmir
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Post by ygmir » Thu Jul 15, 2010 5:32 pm

gyre wrote:I've met enough heartless too.

Sometimes hairless too, poor, pitiful things.
you got it, Dougly.
YGMIR

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myburningdesire
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Post by myburningdesire » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:33 pm

Thanks for all of your input, you are all awesome!

I brought it up again, I can't even have a clear conversation with him. "He can't be budged on his morals." I asked him why this pov wasn't brought to my attention from the get go. He said that he didn't anticipate wanting to marry me. At which point I asked him how he could lower his "morals" to marry a woman who would go, nay, have FUN at BM.

You get the idea of the conversation.

Some of your comments made me realize a few things he's said recently that I haven't really thought about. It also made me realize that I don't think our relationship is big enough for the two of us. Or at least for a woman who won't keep her mouth closed when he puts his foot down.
:(

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dr.placebo
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Post by dr.placebo » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:51 pm

It appears that his prejudices (I won't call them morals) don't allow any room for your preferences.

The bad news is that this is very unlikely to support a loving and sharing relationship.

The good news is that you are aware of this and you are asking the right questions.

The really great news is that with this background you will be so much better prepared to get into the right relationship with someone who does meet you fairly.

And for extra bonus points, you get to go to the playa.

Best wishes.

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FIGJAM
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Post by FIGJAM » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:54 pm

I believe that love is acceptance. What you have does not sound like love to me.
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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lucky420
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Post by lucky420 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:01 pm

myburningdesire,
oh I am so glad you are realizing this. The fact that you can't even have a clear conversation with him about this is like a big red flashing warning sign. Did he just pull the marriage card? Cuz it sounds just like a pretty sneaky way of trying to control you yet again...you sound like a smart person, listen to your intuition

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Post by Trishntek » Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:05 am

Image

The answer to life's biggest question!
RETROFROLIC, the place of Pink, Pain and Pleasure!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!

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FaeTora
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Post by FaeTora » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:34 am

myburningdesire wrote:It also made me realize that I don't think our relationship is big enough for the two of us. Or at least for a woman who won't keep her mouth closed when he puts his foot down.
:(
Always remember that you are an amazing woman. And though I don't know you I will say I am proud of you. Many people (men or women) stay in relationships out of fear of the unknown. They say the devil you know is not as scary as the devil you don't know.

I hope to see you in the dust! oh and, come out this year, you still have time!!!
We break to remind us how to mend.

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AntiM
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Post by AntiM » Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:47 am

If I had a spare ticket to gift, it would be in your hands right now.

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Fire_Moose
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Post by Fire_Moose » Fri Jul 16, 2010 8:08 am

Wow he totally pulled the marriage card. What a sleaze ball.
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VeganChoirGirl
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Love

Post by VeganChoirGirl » Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:01 am

Well, it sounds like he gave you your answer. But! In better news, you're totally surrounded by real supportive love by all these burners, most of whom, I assume, don't know you personally.

Come to the burn. Heal, because even when our relationships are wrong...it still hurts to leave the love behind. And have a freaking fantastic time!

All my love and support.
Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!

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Lassen Forge
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Post by Lassen Forge » Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:23 am

Hear hear!!

My spouse and I had totally separate views of BRC - I being a burner, she not, so when I wnet to BRC she would go to Big Sur. Worked really well...

Then we got married. Now, She wants to go to BRC. Since we'd have 2 vehicles going, she could bail if she didn't like it, but at least she was willing to see what her wife's world was all about.

Unfortunately - she got accepted into a doctoral program, which starts a week before BRC. Talk about SHITTY luck... but stuill, that's what a relationship is about - sharing each other's thing, and realizing sometimes you don't have similar intrests, and being willing to do our own thing, even if it is totally different, and still be together.

Personally - if you and this guy aren't married (still not too sure about that one) and he dropped the "M bomb" on you to keep you rom going, I'd run. No, I'd FRACKING RUN!!!!! Part of being in a relationship - ANY relationship - is being strong enough to stand up for your convictions. If he can't handle it, you need to hopefully realize you are not a piece of trash to be fracked with, or dirt to be walked upon, but a person, hopefuully a strong, independant woman, who will take none of that crap.

My last marriage ended that way. He was a cop, and had all that machismo baggage, and I was pretty... um... wimpy. (Yes, really!) I realized I was no longer going to be a floormat, as he was starting to treat me. Learned a lot about myself on that one, the most important was I was important to ME, and if HE couldn't deal with it, then HE could go stuff. Made me a much stronger, and deterined woman. Sure, it hurt like hell, but staying... would have hurt more.

IIn your shoes... I would go. If he don't like it, tough - he's doing you no favors. And if you get there, stop by for a free vodka shooter, gratis, natch. We'll toast new beginnings!

bbs

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Eric
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Post by Eric » Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:55 am

I agree with everything everyone has said- run.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 24 years- you couldn't pay him enough to go to the desert for a week. Complete disinterest in attending. However, when my job wouldn't let me go the last two years he was pissed at them. He knows how important going is to me, and is completely supportive of it.

Thats how a relationship works- your partner understands that sometimes you have different needs, and they support that difference.
It's a camping trip in the desert, not the redemption of the fallen world - Cryptofishist

Eric ShutterSlut
Former Ass't Editor & columnist, BRC Weekly

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Trishntek
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Post by Trishntek » Fri Jul 16, 2010 4:00 pm

We call it "oddly entertaining"
RETROFROLIC, the place of Pink, Pain and Pleasure!
http://www.retrofrolic.com
Some call me Tnt,,,, works for me!

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Bleedingpickle
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Post by Bleedingpickle » Fri Jul 16, 2010 4:36 pm

"...morality refers to personal or cultural values, codes of conduct or social mores that distinguish between right and wrong in the human society. Describing morality in this way is not making a claim about what is objectively right or wrong, but only referring to what is considered right or wrong by people. For the most part right and wrong acts are classified as such because they are thought to cause benefit or harm, but it is possible that many moral beliefs are based on prejudice, ignorance or even hatred...morality is not absolute, but relative and constitutes any set of behaviors that encourage human cooperation based on their ideology to get ideologic unity. Biologists contend that all social animals, from ants to elephants, have modified their behaviors, by restraining selfishness in order to make group living worthwhile. Human morality, though sophisticated and complex relative to other animals, is essentially a natural phenomenon that evolved to restrict excessive individualism and foster human cooperation."

Taken like this if he is true to his word, it could be considered immoral to your man to restrict you from participating in an event the enhances your sense of group orientation and unity, whereas it is immoral to you to not participate and succumb to HIS prejudice and ignorance.
Be like water.

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oscillator
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Post by oscillator » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:40 pm

Come Home. Be with your people.

That should help unveil the path ahead.

\osc

myburningdesire
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Post by myburningdesire » Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:08 pm

Thanks again everyone, my fellow burners rock!
Isotopia, thank you for the link. I can't tell you how helpful it was.

Thank you to everyone else who had their helpful two cents. I won't make it home this year, but here's to next year.

Now to re-adjust to the single life. :wink:

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VeganChoirGirl
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Post by VeganChoirGirl » Mon Jul 26, 2010 12:12 am

myburningdesire wrote:
Now to re-adjust to the single life. :wink:
I think it's really great that you headed the advice of the burners here on the board and the feelings in your own heart. Even when it's necissary for things to end, I know it can be really hard. Take good care of yourself emotionally and physically!

Glad to hear you'll be back on the playa in '11. Just a little over a year :D
Finally moving to SF...can't WAIT!

Brooks_DallasTX
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Post by Brooks_DallasTX » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:31 am

myburningdesire wrote:Now to re-adjust to the single life. :wink:
Single, maybe, but not alone.
Normal is boring.

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Isotopia
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Post by Isotopia » Mon Jul 26, 2010 3:35 pm

Do NOT take advice from anyone who calls the playa 'home.'

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Mojojita
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Post by Mojojita » Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:01 pm

I think the man's attitude goes well beyond manipulative. He purposely said things MEANT to hurt you, meant to make you feel bad about yourself. That is simply abusive. No need to wait for the abuse, it had already begun.

His comments about morality are more interesting in that context. Here is someone who has no idea what he is talking about, having never been there, holding up his "morals" as a banner - and telling you in essence why he is better than you are. (So much for his morals).

This treatment is insidious and slowly can eat away at you over time.

Congratulations for getting clear of this. Hope to see you in the dust!

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Frankenstipe
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Post by Frankenstipe » Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:04 pm

Anyone who just straight up dismisses anything without trying it first doesn't deserve whoever you are.
I may be crazy but at least I'm not sane.

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