Lecherous Limericks

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Thu Apr 29, 2004 1:24 pm

Lecherous Limericks

We all know a few of them, so let's spread this somewhat under-appreciated art form around a little bit. Compose your own, or provide a little information for others to compose one about you. Feel free to post others' work, if you like, as long as proper attribution is given. I'll start things off with one from one of the masters of Limericism (and the coiner of the phrase which is the title of this topic), Isaac Asimov.

There once was a maid of Peru
Who swore that she never would screw,
except under stress
of forceful duress,
Like "I'm ready, dear. How about you?"

Please note that more obscene does not always mean better, when it comes to Limericks. Test your wits!

Captain Goddammit · Post by **Captain Goddammit** » Thu Apr 29, 2004 9:13 pm

There once was a man from Belfast
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They clanged together
And lightning shot out his ass!

robotland · Post by **robotland** » Fri Apr 30, 2004 5:48 am

There once was a couple named Kelly
who were forced to walk belly-to-belly,
because, in their haste, they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.

Post by **AntiM** » Wed May 12, 2004 6:33 am

From the Magic Christian:

There once was a young lady from Exeter
And all the young men threw their sex at her
Just to be rude
She lay in the nude
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.

Not testing my wits, rather testing my holey memory.

Smiling Politely,
Anti M

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed May 12, 2004 6:41 am

Ah, The Magic Christian. Youw cwitewia may not be owahs.

Here's another one from Dr. Asimov, before I start sharing my own original works (I consider this the masterpiece of Limericism, by the way):

A young woman from South Carolina
Placed fiddle-strings 'crost her vagina
and with proper sized cocks
what was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

and another:

There once was a member of MENSA
who was quite an excellent fencer
the sword that he used
was his [line was removed
and has now been replaced by the sensor.]

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:22 am

One just for a fellow eplayan, composed on the fly in the bar. Enjoy.

A fellow--whom we'll call LeChatNoir--
was possessed of such skill in the boudoir,
that once he's undressed
you'll be so impressed,
that you'll forget where, when, and who you are

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:23 am

Waded through 20 pages of back topics and couldn't find this.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:24 am

This one was composed at the request of Guinevere Elise:

Of the women who've slept with Lord Cronmore,
(and they are numerous you should be sure)
none ever said
he was no good in bed
(but none of them asked for an encore!)

Maybe she can explain the background info. This chap is probably going to be the subject of more limericks in the near future.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:25 am

I just searched for the word limericks, crypto.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:26 am

tried that too, but my spellings always wobbley.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:26 am

A well-endowed lad known as Clonmore
would shower and then not put on more,
then wander outside
in naught but his hide
so the neighbors would water the lawn more.

An early attempt at Cronmore. Not satisfactory by any means, but I like the outside/hide rhyming couplet. I'll put it to better use later on.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:28 am

Two about this guy, again at GE's request

So spiteful was old father gallas,
and filled to the brim with such malice
that when he forsook
the Lord's holy book,
he fashioned it into a phallus.

All the young girls knew well father gallas,
for he'd taken each back to his palace
and bound her in twine
and flogged her behind
'til her backside developed a callous.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:28 am

Do one about Rian. "surlytart" not a nessesary inclusion, but will earn you extra points.

Note. Points are not redeemable.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:29 am

Last one for now. Another one with a name suggested by Guin. Anyone got someone about whom they'd like a limerick? I can't guarantee I'll get around to composing one, much less a good one, but I can try.

ONiell is the bawdy Town Crier,
Whom all the town knows for a liar.
He claims that he's scored
with about ninety-four,
but the truth is the count is much higher.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:31 am

It would wind up "Sur LEE Tart.," or the meter would stumble over it. Have to break up the words.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 2:15 pm

and Badger and Technopatra (careful with that obvious "fatwa") and Rodent and Joel and Stuart and Rob the Wop (fop? bop? slop? stop? pop? glop? crop?)

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:12 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:Technopatra (careful with that obvious "fatwa")

The admin of this, our fair board,
Has habits you'll find untoward
She'll pick up a vagrant
For delicto quite flagrant
simply because she is bored.

Eh. Couldn't find a way to use "In Flagrante Delicto," but I like the pun I get this way. Another half-assed one, but worth sharing nonetheless.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:14 am

I'd do the 2nd line as: "Has habits you'd find quite untoward" as it's got better rythym to me. But otherwise lovely.

I forgot to ask for something for Woodrow. Or is that stroking the little guy's ego too much?

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:26 am

How would you emphasize that line? I've got

has HAbits you'll FIND untoWARD

I considered "quite," but wind up with

HAS habits YOU'll find quite UNtoward. It fits meter okay, but the emphasis on UN is awkward. Any thoughts? Anyone else?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:48 am

Dang it, Genius I'm no good with meter.
"has habits you'd find (slight pause for emphasis) quite untoward."
Does that make sence?

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:18 pm

and Rodent

In his youth, little Rodent discovered
His uncle in bed with his mother
The trauma, some say,
Is the cause to this day
Of his failure to please as a lover.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 4:25 pm

How're your creative juices flowing these days, RG?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 12:09 pm

That eplaya bar known as Tish's
Serves drinks that are all quite delicious
The Seattle Crew
Knocks back quite a few
And the Black Cat outdrinks the Fishist.

(Iprobably should have worked viscious in there preemptively so know one could use it in reference to me, but oh well.)

Will · Post by **Will** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:13 pm

Two classics are missing.

There once was a man from Nantuckett
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said one day,
As he was sucking away,
If my ear were a pussy, I'd fuck it.

There once was a man from Kent,
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save him some trouble,
He tied it up double.
And instead of comming, he went.

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Feb 14, 2005 4:15 pm

Ah, but can you write your own?