Suicidal Tendencies

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maryanimal
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by maryanimal » Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:23 pm

It's too hard for me...it's getting too dark..
Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.

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VultureChow
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by VultureChow » Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:43 pm

The winter solstice has passed and the days get longer and the sun shines brighter from here on out.


(((maryanimal)))
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robbidobbs
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by robbidobbs » Thu Dec 25, 2014 8:57 pm

I am here Mary and I love you. I just messaged my ph#.
Last edited by robbidobbs on Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Patsh
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by Patsh » Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:11 pm

Mary, you are loved by more than you know... I'm here, too, if you want to talk.
If you don't have my number, let me know, or send me yours. (I have free long distance on my land line)
I'd love to talk, and hear your voice!

((((((maryanimal))))))
formerly, Triken

keep on triken' Mamma!
Triken' ma blues away....
.


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Cinema is Art
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BAS
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by BAS » Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:26 pm

Well, eplaya ate my response-- which is pretty much the way things have been for me for this past year.

It has been a long, dark, messy time for me as well. Instead of taking either the well traveled road, or the road less traveled, I've tried to average the two and crash through some route in between.

The coping technique I've been using most often as of late is clearing my (noisy) mind and trying to relax my muscles. I keep hoping some wonderful plan will pop into my head. (So far that hasn't happened, but the attempt seems to relieve some stress.)

I can sympathize with losing an apartment. I had to move back with my parents earlier this year and seriously considered suicide as the better option. (This time the biggest thing with stopped me was being low on my blood pressure medication.)

This time around Social Security decided I DO have disabilities-- but since they are mental my dad is in charge of the money and I have no control over it. And he gets to be the one to decide if I am ever capable of handling my Social Security money on my own. So far he's rejected anything I have mentioned finance-wise-- and I have had the hard to process experience (a few times so far) of him mentioning that we need to discuss my move out plans in the near future with the conversation ending with him telling me how he and mom won't be around forever and that I will have to move in with my brother when they are gone. And we nearly came to blows when he couldn't figure out my printouts from my employer and bank records and couldn't find the two physical pay stubs I'd received before direct deposit kicked in.

It is a time when more light would be nice.
"Nothing is withheld from us which we have conceived to do.
Do things that have never been done."
--Russell Kirsch

southern crone
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by southern crone » Thu Dec 25, 2014 9:41 pm

E-playa ate my response too. Warm hugs to maryanimal and bas. When in darkness, look for the little lights, like stars. Love yourself. Love others, human, animal, plant, nature. Allow yourself to Be.

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ygmir
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by ygmir » Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:02 pm

hang on......just hang on you two! we care, we do.............
YGMIR

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Aurelia
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by Aurelia » Fri Dec 26, 2014 12:33 am

MaryAnimal Count on the love we want to extend to you,
Bas !
xoA,

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BAS
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by BAS » Fri Dec 26, 2014 11:43 pm

Thanks. The big news for today is that I didn't kill myself. I was worried about it, which is why, when I skipped town (and work-- luckily my supervisor was understanding about it, although he says next time I should only tell him I am too sick to work, since the company isn't understanding) I went looking for weed instead of alcohol. Weed is harder to find (I failed at it), and is harder to o.d. on when your subconscious decides doing so is the right thing to do.

What happened: Social Security decided, in their infinite wisdom, that since I have anxiety problems I needed to have a Payee to control my finances-- and their agent presented me with only two choices: my mom (hard of hearing, early stages of dementia, my dad handles her finances), my dad (who is actually a major part of the reason I have anxiety issues.) Not really having a choice, I choose my dad. Later Social Security sends me (multiple copies of) a brochure, which explained I have several options when it comes to a Payee. A Payee can even be an organization, rather than a relative, or even a human. Great.

We actually tried to make it work, BUT my dad's idea of what I SHOULD want and what I SHOULD need are well out of line with what I want and need. This blow up actually started brewing on the 25th while unwrapping presents, and not even one to me.

I don't even recall what the actual present was that my dad gave my brother-- but he'd put in in a box which had contained some fairly nice speakers, and something for weight. When my brother pulled that "something" out, my dad happily explained that it was the magnet from an actual speaker "remember those old speakers from grandpa's schoolhouse?"

For me that was a "WHAT?!" moment, while he went on about he'd finally destroyed and got rid of them.

The trouble was, grandpa had given those speakers to my brother and me (one each, from the buildings old intercom system-- probably 1940s, maybe 1950s tech), not my dad. And, in recent years I had come up with a plan for them, one which my brother had agreed with. I'd wanted to use them for a theme for a school bus conversion. (I wanted to do sort of an inside-out, old schoolhouse theme-- painted on wainscoting up to about window level [actually where one of the black stripes is on school buses], a fake plaster wall, hook ups for the speakers, maybe a place to hang a chalk board.) I hadn't mentioned the plan to my dad because:

"IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!"-- which was what my dad has said, ever since he became my Payee, whenever I brought up the plans I had for converting a school bus. He made it more than clear that there was no way he would approve of my spending any money on such a stupid desire I probably would never finishing anyway and waste a lot of money storing somewhere while it turned into an even bigger pile of junk.

My objections to his having destroyed the speakers didn't really get very far with him, and is what I am fairly certain what I overheard him telling my mom (who probably didn't hear it) what he "didn't feel the least bit guilty" about this morning.

Last night, before going to bed, I had emailed him a link to a mobile home which is for sale at a local trailer park, since he'd mentioned a few times that we needed to talk about my moving out and when it would happen. Plus, on the ride back from my brother's place he'd seemed open to the idea.

After not sleeping well last night, and overhearing his comment this morning, I posted a comment about the times he's threatened to call the police and have me thrown out of his house while he threw all of my stuff out on the lawn on Facebook-- which has always been when we've been discussing finances, along with some other things which had been bothering me. He saw it around the time I was filling my car with gas after running a few errands and thinking about going to the Aging and Disability office to ask them a question about Medicaid and some money I have in a retirement fund from a former job. He called me while I was going back to my car after paying for the gas and a bottle of beverage.

The "conversation" started out tense and worsened. The summary: he said I shouldn't go to the Aging and Disabilities office since we already had an appointment with a specialist next Tuesday, my friends were wrong and he was right about the laws and his rights to kick me out any time he wanted, I am NOT going to buy a bus at any time, even though the trailer I found seemed like a good deal I am NOT going to buy a trailer, I AM going to get a rent subsidized apartment, since I would just trash the trailer and not budget for repairs. Things got even worse after that. I suggested I could try making my own repairs. He ridiculed the idea since, according to him, I have no skills or experience at making repairs and no clue what is involved and how much work they are. He hung up at some point when I was screaming my reply back at him at the top of my lungs.

I skipped town (and work, which my supervisor was surprising understanding about, although he told me I should have only told him that I was sick, rather than explaining the whole thing [which I tend to do when upset-- and part of the reason I didn't think going into work was such a good idea, since I also tend to explain said whole thing to whoever I meet], since the company isn't understanding about things like that. (It is a part of the American Work Ethic, actually, from what I can tell. Maybe it is rooted in the whole "anything enjoyable is a sin" part of our American Religion(tm).)

Since I had made all of two calls on my phone it went from fully charged to nearly out of power (one bar-- maybe three minutes worth. Maybe.) My car charger had broken a couple weeks ago from my attempting to attach it to my phone, so I stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere (about three quarters of the way to the interstate highway) and bought a new one. The attendant was very friendly and helpful. (Apparently no one had told him Muslims were supposed to scary and menacing-- or maybe I misinterpreted the turban and beard.)

My cell phone rang in the middle of my taking a piss (in the Men's room! The clerk had been helpful and the rest room was right there!). Since I was afraid that, with the way things had been going most of the day, I'd drop the phone in the toilet if I tried to answer it (plus someone was waiting) I let the call go to voice mail and-- well, this is taking too long.

My dad wanted me to come back because we really needed to talk about my finances-- and it sounded like he wanted someone else to be my Payee. I later texted him back that I would come back after I'd cooled down enough. Even later he texted back "Okay." I went in search of weed since I was afraid if I used alcohol (legal) I would drink enough for it to kill me. I don't think human lungs are capable of taking in enough cannabis (illegal) to kill someone. A really sore throat if it is nasty enough, but not enough to kill a person. I failed. (It has been pretty scarce around here lately, but that is another topic completely.)

Instead I spent even more money (over $400, instead of $200 or less) on a Samsung Galaxy and a keyboard (which I am probably going to return and try to locate the Samsung keyboard, which is $20 less and the store was out of.) I drove about halfway back to town and stopped in a Culver's (local chain of semi-fast food-- a bit better than a McDonalds plus free Wi-Fi with outlets below some tables) and spent until around 11:00PM figuring out how use the thing (it got a lot easier after I figured out how to turn it on...), downloading some free apps, and otherwise messing with my new expensive toy. (Actually, not wholly a toy, nor as expensive as the laptop it is replacing, which proved to be more trouble than it was worth to use for writing. It took me about as long to figure out how to turn on the tablet and do so as it takes the laptop to turn on, and I flipped through the instruction pamphlet a few times before I figured out which part of the instructions to ignore. I'm half-convince Asus uses vacuum tubes in their computers.)

My dad called right before I was going to leave the bathroom for my car (twice in one day?!). I answered it and he asked if I was alright (actually a valid question...) I said yes. By the time I got back my parents were in bed.

...and writing this took too long and I got logged out, so the last few sentences have been lost.

Anyway, I wound up with three choices today: suicide, driving to Colorado to get cannabis, spending a bunch of money on a writing instrument (the Asus is also heavier and I got out of the habit of taking it with me.) Since my car is not a diesel so I can't run it on waste veggie oil (another disagreement between my dad and I...), driving to Colorado would actually be more expensive than buying a tablet, so I went with getting an expensive electronic thing. Now I can write in one window and play a game (online, if I choose!) in another...
"Nothing is withheld from us which we have conceived to do.
Do things that have never been done."
--Russell Kirsch

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Ratty
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by Ratty » Sat Dec 27, 2014 12:18 am

((Maryanimal)) When the mood gets too morose around here we walk. You take care of YOU. Eat, sleep, walk, TV, Eplaya and more eplaya. You have a lot of friends here that care about you. Pick up the phone and call people. It good to hear a friendly voice. I'm hugging you.
Those aren't buttermilk biscuits I'm lying on Savannah

Pictures or it didn't happen Greycoyote

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer

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maryanimal
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by maryanimal » Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:03 pm

As I think about Ib Dave's tragic death, it made me think about something I read, "People who commit suicide don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop", and how true that is. Depression is such a horrible mental illness to deal with. I know how Dave felt before he took his life, to feel so fragile and hopeless, and how much pain is involved. I know he tried many things to help him deal with the demons he lived with, but it just became too hard.

As I sit here, still in shock, I think about my mortality especially as I get older. Right now, my life is so good and even though, especially in the winter, my depression rears it's ugly head, I've managed this year to deal with it and since it wasn't a huge event, it gave me time to realize that things may look dark, but when I open my eyes and look at all the love and friends I have, it tends to take away the darkness, and I can be better. I thank God every day for the life I've been given.

My sadness for Dave's loss is monumental. Our mental health care system, or lack thereof is so broken, yet no one will help fix it. I'm not eligible for state medical because I "make too much money". I'd love to go to a therapist and talk about thing but I can't, and Medicare doesn't pay for it or even a portion of it.

I'll attend every meeting I can whether it's local or state, to fight for mental health services. I'll write letters to whomever will read them. This is my goal, my pledge to myself.

Rest in peace Dave. Check in on me every now and then!
Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious. But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious.

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Elliot
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Re: Suicidal Tendencies

Post by Elliot » Sat Jan 16, 2016 1:20 pm

Image

Don't I know it.

I'm thinking of starting a new Mental Health thread, maybe to replace this one -- to start afresh.
I'm kind'a poster boy for recovery from mental illness now. And I would like to spread positive ideas.
The Black Death of the 14th century killed half the population of Europe and Asia.
Please stay home until this pandemic is more safely behind us. And wear a mask when you must go out for groceries. The life you save may be mine. Thank you!

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