inside out

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 8:52 pm

someone said of me i'm so open i'm virtually inside out a little while back, well i just had a personal revelation. a kind of epiphany about my life and i would like to share it but's very personal and im not sure about putting it in open forum. the best advice you guys could give me right now is dont. so as i type this i realise im not going to.
but right now i'm not feeling very good about myself
i think i'm going to sit down with a book and think about things, i suspect i may need to spend a little time talking to myself, rather than unloading on someone i barely know. last time i did that was when my dad died and iregret a lot of the things o told people then, they simply didnt need to know. this isnt in the same league by a long shot but well its a bit of shock when you look in the mirror and see someone else looking back at you, someone you dont really recognise
*sigh* sorry guys its quite late and i'm probably going to stay up for a while trying to think what to do about it

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 8:54 pm

above all, GD, take care of you .

if, you need outside help, reach out. Folks here will help, or at least try.

Post by **Elderberry** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:23 pm

Now that was a teaser if I ever read one.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:39 pm

So this is more like, " Contemplating Not Saying" thread.

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:43 pm

(((Grai)))

We all grow and change, every day. We are lucky if we see the change, and take the chance it offers to move our lives in a happier direction.

And if we can take the help that's offered by the open hearts of our friends, that's lucky too.

TnT: Thanks. I will contemplate not saying any more ITT.

Note to self: stop posting so much!

ygmir · Post by **ygmir** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:45 pm

MyDearFriend wrote:(((Grai)))

We all grow and change, every day. We are lucky if we see the change, and take the chance it offers to move our lives in a happier direction.

And if we can take the help that's offered by the open hearts of our friends, that's lucky too.

TnT: Thanks. I will contemplate not saying any more ITT.

Note to self: stop posting so much!

yeah, you folks that post all the time.....jeeze..........

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:56 pm

hey babes, i just pored my heart out to a relative stranger in response to his story of his life.
I've realised i am very very bitter to my family - while i told the story i knew i was twisting it a bit, but he kept interupting and telling a tale to demonstrate how he totally understood me and he did.
i didnt realise how much my hatred for my brother and dislike for my mother affects me.some of the stuff he was telling was very deeply personal, stuff he never told anyone (at one point i had to give him a hug)
but jeez I am bitter towards my family. I've got to put that behind me accept that they are limited and will never grow and if i dont accept that nor will i.
thank god i am not getting my wages in cash tomoorow i could see it going on an orgy of spending - i dont feel good about it.
To realise i resnet my parents so much fo loveing my brother more than me when i was a pretty horrible child, and my brother for not wanting me in his house when i was a selfish theif. makes me feel pretty low about myself
i realise i have been a good person here helpful and friendly supportive but i turned my back on my family because of my failings and blamed it on them.
I've been nursing a massive grudge for 20 years now blaming my failings on my parents and brother when i am equally to blame, i am sure they dont miss me, my daughter said recently that my mother has nothing to say to me or her, so obviously she has attempted to contact her only living granparent at some point to rebuffed, maybe for my failings (possibly because my mum is a bitch too) but i cannot deny my children a chance to know the rest of their family because i dont like them can i. And perhaps with time i can learn to tolerate my mother and brother, because after all there is plenty of time to hate them when they are dead, rather than regret not talking to them while i had the chance (like my dad)

Post by **Elderberry** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:05 pm

WOW. Some people have to pay thousands of dollars (pounds) to therapists, sometimes for years, to get that sort of insight into their thoughts and feelings.

Trishntek · Post by **Trishntek** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:19 pm

Bitterness thrives on resentment and unresolved conflicts. (((((GD)))) you are getting to the basis of your turmoil. Pop the zit, drain the puss and move forward on your own path without all that BAGGAGE.

maryanimal · Post by **maryanimal** » Thu Jul 14, 2011 10:33 pm

Trishntek wrote:Bitterness thrives on resentment and unresolved conflicts. (((((GD)))) you are getting to the basis of your turmoil. Pop the zit, drain the puss and move forward on your own path without all that BAGGAGE.

Wow TnT, what an analogy!!

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 12:46 pm

I may regret this.

Introduce your daughter to this family!

In gay cultures (among others), there is a making of family from close friends, because too often 20, 30 years ago they lost their families when they came out. I realize that this is different, but you might do better to let them go. I duuno.

Post by **Savannah** » Fri Jul 15, 2011 1:09 pm

Grai, I know I don't know you or your family well enough to sense the "right" course of action (as if we can ever be sure! as if! All you can do is risk it, if you want to, and realize that it's brave and honorable to try what you think is right no matter the outcome.) . . . But that's some startling clarity right there, some very nuanced thought about how your respective chemicals mixed with your mother and brother. No one person ruined anything. Nothing's black and white. I'm glad you're going to let your children have a chance to know the rest of the family. Good luck with this.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 3:50 am

Fishy I have already planned to suggest BM to my sons and daughter, my Eldest son i gave him a few links to burners in bristol were he lives - many of them who make there living out of pubic perfomance which i know he wants to do, sadly he has chosen not to talk to me for several years now except an occasional abusive email. I did have a few years with him before he decided he didnt like me, which is his choice. I didnt bring him up and had only intemittent contact with him for many years. too be brutally honest I don't like him, though I do love him (he is my first born!) and would do pretty much anything for him. My daughter i too suggested BM too though she seems not at all interested. maybe after I have been, she is probably the most grounded off them all. My youngest son I have also suggested BM too is toobusy discovering drink at the moment and being young but again next year maybe.
If only there where enogh of us to do a fire conclave that would get them coming and is something i am thinking on (oh god the expense though) I can probably get a goodly number up from spinning friends of theres, and people i know here to get something going though and i do have a whole year to plan it

I found also my daughter has already tried initiating contact with my brother and mum and been soundly rebuffed. She simply does not want to know us. oh well
Directly after i wrote this i went to my other fb page to send a message to my brother then thought, actually although i now realise i have mo real reason to be bitter or to hate him, I just dont like him and neither want nor need him in my life, that single point of contact is enough, he doesnt use his fb page so its clearly just so he can find me if he needs too, or others can find me through it if needed thats enough.
Friends are the family i choose

time to get on with the rest of my growing up (sort of) thanks for the responses and if MDF doesnt mind sharing, you are all my dear friends

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:13 am

graidawg wrote: Friends are the family i choose

time to get on with the rest of my growing up (sort of) thanks for the responses and if MDF doesnt mind sharing, you are all my dear friends

Dude! "Share and Enjoy!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wSBC5Dyds8

(((everybody)))

Foxfur · Post by **Foxfur** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:42 pm

What a beautiful series of posts, Grai.
Self examination is a skill that is all too often discounted. As JK mentioned, people waste much gold on the foolish and shallow words of 'professionals'. Funds that could be well spent on things of much greater value. Your observations are deeply reasoned and well thought out. We are fortunate to be able to share in them.

Post by **Elderberry** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:49 pm

Other than the fact we are related, I have nothing in common with my family. We never were close, though we would do anything for each other. Still pretty much that way till this day. Very little contact, occasional emails, every few years, or for family funerals, I go back to visit.

Post by **Savannah** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 2:14 pm

time to get on with the rest of my growing up (sort of) thanks for the responses and if MDF doesnt mind sharing, you are all my dear friends

I read your most recent post and was ready to tell you "well, it sounds like you are at a resting place with family for now, maybe time for you to work on yourself" . . . and then got to the end of the post and found that you don't need to hear it.

But I do agree. Time for the rest of your growing up--or growing out, maybe--I have this weird vision of expansion and stretching, or your human experience growing suddenly like an ill-nourished tree that has suddenly been fertilized properly.

I'm feeling fanciful this morning, it's been a week without coffee.

Post by **Sham** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 2:34 pm

GD, I know this is your first year attending. Are you still going to be there this year?
The open playa is an awesome place for you to get in touch with some of these inner feelings. You will be able to find a spot in the deep playa where there is no one around for a half mile. (not sure what that is in km's) You can be in this remote area and feel your immortality and can start to get a feel for where you're going in life. (strip down naked if you wish) You will be surrounded by friends who can listen. You can vent and tell some of your inner most feelings and not feel that they will come back and bite you in the ass.
I hope when you leave the playa for the first time, you will find yourself being a person that YOU like much more than you do now. I'm sure you will be able to figure things out much better.
Good luck!

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 3:41 pm

sham, I already like myself more. i had allowed a bitterness inside me to corrupt the part of me that wants to grow and flourish - as savannah said. Of course i'm going to be on the playa this year and i hope the year after or at least as often as i want to be.
what you said about the open palya reminds me of an experience i had back in '03 (oh war story alllert)
I was in valle d'aosta in italy at a celtic festival and i was still trying to come to terms with my dads death, i was pretty fucking messed up there was a bunch of us sitting round the camp fire and one of the guys there got a phone call his nan had just died, it was expected but still, a difficult thing to hear in a foreign country. An italian woman started singing a song about love and loss and fuck if i just didnt have to walk away the purest sweetest voice singing the beautiful song while 20 or 30 of us stared into the fire. it was just to much. so i wandered off into the woods and came to a clearing and i fucking howled at the moon ( quite literally ) then i saw the milky way, all of it and everything else just kind of faded away. *sigh and pause to wipe my eyes and blow my nose*
since my dad died i've had some truely transcendent moments but the one i saw the beauty of this world and let my dad go. now i've let my brother go and my mum. some things take a little while to unclench your fist even if the only thing you're doing with it is punching yourself.

ON a lighter note maybe soon i'll tell you of my hippy newage spiritual b.s. beleifs and how they came about but you have to promise not to laugh (well not at me)

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 4:01 pm

Shambala wrote:GD, I know this is your first year attending. Are you still going to be there this year?
The open playa is an awesome place for you to get in touch with some of these inner feelings. You will be able to find a spot in the deep playa where there is no one around for a half mile. (not sure what that is in km's) You can be in this remote area and feel your immortality and can start to get a feel for where you're going in life. (strip down naked if you wish) You will be surrounded by friends who can listen. You can vent and tell some of your inner most feelings and not feel that they will come back and bite you in the ass.
I hope when you leave the playa for the first time, you will find yourself being a person that YOU like much more than you do now. I'm sure you will be able to figure things out much better.
Good luck!

Sham, thank you, this is what I am looking for at TTiTD.

Blessed or cursed with a caring heart and a large family, I have never lived alone or without close daily immersion in loving relationships. And having been useful to others for many many years, I sometimes wonder if I have an identity of my own, apart from what I am to other people: wife/mother/daughter/sister/auntie/friend or nurse, a job that demands complete responsibility and ownership of every problem...

Well. I have become perhaps too fond of my mortality, as the only limit I can see to my duties. I would like to find out who I am, alone and naked; confront my immortality; and decide who I want to be.

(((Grai))) We can sit in the dark, look at the stars and explain spirituality to each other.

FIGJAM · Post by **FIGJAM** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 4:11 pm

MyDearFriend wrote:
Shambala wrote:GD, I know this is your first year attending. Are you still going to be there this year?
The open playa is an awesome place for you to get in touch with some of these inner feelings. You will be able to find a spot in the deep playa where there is no one around for a half mile. (not sure what that is in km's) You can be in this remote area and feel your immortality and can start to get a feel for where you're going in life. (strip down naked if you wish) You will be surrounded by friends who can listen. You can vent and tell some of your inner most feelings and not feel that they will come back and bite you in the ass.
I hope when you leave the playa for the first time, you will find yourself being a person that YOU like much more than you do now. I'm sure you will be able to figure things out much better.
Good luck!
Sham, thank you, this is what I am looking for at TTiTD.

Blessed or cursed with a caring heart and a large family, I have never lived alone or without close daily immersion in loving relationships. And having been useful to others for many many years, I sometimes wonder if I have an identity of my own, apart from what I am to other people: wife/mother/daughter/sister/auntie/friend or nurse, a job that demands complete responsibility and ownership of every problem...

Well. I have become perhaps too fond of my mortality, as the only limit I can see to my duties. I would like to find out who I am, alone and naked; confront my immortality; and decide who I want to be.

(((Grai))) We can sit in the dark, look at the stars and explain spirituality to each other.

What would be left if all that other stuff was suddenly gone, poof!

I think what would be left is importent, precious, and fantasticly worth while!!!

Post by **Sham** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:03 pm

I think you will find that the playa is a Smörgåsbord of feelings and emotions. The visit to the Temple of Remembrance is a very somber and subdued experience and you can leave a note to a lost friend or relative. The night of the Temple burn, all those heartfelt messages are delivered to your loved ones.
There is eye popping at to inspire and workshops to show you things you always wanted to see.
For the entire week, you will be on an incredible and inspiring roller coaster. In short, you will probably not be the same person you were before you arrived. (I could be wrong on this by the way)

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:06 pm

FIGJAM wrote: What would be left if all that other stuff was suddenly gone, poof!

I think what would be left is importent, precious, and fantasticly worth while!!!

(((Figjam))) That would be a wonderful thing to find out, wouldn't it?

Worth any effort, any hardship, any price.

FIGJAM · Post by **FIGJAM** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:12 pm

MyDearFriend wrote:
FIGJAM wrote: What would be left if all that other stuff was suddenly gone, poof!

I think what would be left is importent, precious, and fantasticly worth while!!!
(((Figjam))) That would be a wonderful thing to find out, wouldn't it? Worth any effort, any hardship, any price.

What the fuck do you mean "find out", IT'S TRUE!!! Be told.

I found out the hard way.

Dr Jet Sinister · Post by **Dr Jet Sinister** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:23 pm

Savannah wrote:But I do agree. Time for the rest of your growing up--or growing out, maybe--I have this weird vision of expansion and stretching, or your human experience growing suddenly like an ill-nourished tree that has suddenly been fertilized properly.

This is too wonderful to ignore. Thank you Savannah. I like this image much more than becoming a 'grown-up'.

MyDearFriend · Post by **MyDearFriend** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:33 pm

FIGJAM wrote: What the fuck do you mean "find out", IT'S TRUE!!! Be told.

I found out the hard way.

Sorry you found out the hard way.

Sorry again, I never have been good at being told.

Hard-headed from a child, I need to find things out for myself.

And, yeah

that tree:

Grow, expand, reach!!!

(much better than, "oh grow up...")

delle · Post by **delle** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:45 pm

This is exactly why I'm so looking forward to getting to the Bureau of Unclaimed Secrets!!!

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 8:40 pm

MyDearFriend wrote:
FIGJAM wrote: What the fuck do you mean "find out", IT'S TRUE!!! Be told.

I found out the hard way.
Sorry you found out the hard way.

sometimes I think the only lessons that count are the ones you learn the hard way.

Foxfur · Post by **Foxfur** » Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:49 pm

graidawg wrote: ON a lighter note maybe soon i'll tell you of my hippy newage spiritual b.s. beleifs and how they came about but you have to promise not to laugh (well not at me)

I am not a violent person but would happily deliver a complimentary pummeling to any who dare.
Share if you like.

graidawg · Post by **graidawg** » Sun Jul 17, 2011 5:41 am

i will share my personal spiritual journey by the spoken word, i have a problem with writing down feelings and opinions - you cant get the tone and context, so it can be misunderstood and in later years should anyone read it i may not be around to correct ther interpretation. so if you want to hear how how i came to go from spiritualy dead to -what i am now, ask me.

as a very good friend said im so open i'm practically inside out .

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