Ask Elliot

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Agaton
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Ask Elliot

Post by Agaton » Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:27 pm

Dear Elliot:

Are there any straight people at Burning Man?
Farted in my wallet; now I have gas money. -Unjonharley

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:27 pm

Agaton wrote:Dear Elliot:

Are there any straight people at Burning Man?
Yes. And with the BRC population cap now up to 68,000, I expect a full dozen of us this year.

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TT120
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by TT120 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 4:07 pm

Dear Elliot:

My knees are starting to make noise when I walk. Is this normal?
Life's a bitch, then you go to Burning Man - Unjonharley
We welcome the stranger, but that doesn't mean we have to like them, nor they us, and that's alright. - AntiM

W6BJD

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mgb327
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by mgb327 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 4:53 pm

Dear Elliot, my moustache has turned the color of your beard....does that mean I am running out of color?
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
" I am a controlled substance". Savannah.

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:00 pm

TT120 wrote:Dear Elliot:

My knees are starting to make noise when I walk. Is this normal?
No. Your knees should not cause trouble until you are much older –- unless, of course, you hang around with Eric.

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:19 pm

mgb327 wrote:Dear Elliot, my moustache has turned the color of your beard....does that mean I am running out of color?
Yes, regrettably so. Each of us is born with little Epson or HP color cartridges behind our lymph nodes, and the ink runs out faster than we feel is reasonable. And, unlike computer printers, the cartridges are not replaceable or refillable. Apparently, the manufacturer makes his money on the human body itself. Ask your parents what you cost them.

Now… there is an upside to this, because you can switch to black-n-white laser equipment, which costs less to operate, meaning you would not have to trim your moustache so often, saving money on clipper blades and such. And you would have baddass laser beams coming out of your nostrils.

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MacGlenver
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by MacGlenver » Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:21 pm

Dear Elliot,

Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? You must love me exactly as much as I love you.

Get ready for it, peoples.
[media]
"just two indecisive cowboys, trying to play a word game." - piehole
"Just apply intelligence and discretion and you should be able to get away with just about anything." - Ugly Dougly

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CornMan
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by CornMan » Thu Jul 25, 2013 6:01 pm

Hey Elliot, I didn't get an answer from that other guy's advice forum, so I thought I'd come to you. I went to him first because his advice column was up before yours, not playing any favorites or anything. OK, the question: Do you know any fun pranks to do with bungee balls?
The camp with a difference
Never mind the weather
When you camp with Plug & Ply
Your holiday's forever

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:37 pm

MacGlenver wrote:Dear Elliot,

Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? You must love me exactly as much as I love you.

...
You have a Reading Comprehension Discrepancy, Mack! Just recognizing the “E” ain’t enough. Every letter counts.

So sober up, polish your spectacles, stop scratching your testicles, and concentrate on The Current Task. Then ask E-r-i-c about your love-life, not E-l-l-i-o-t.

(And remember that I don't have sound in my pooter, so movies are wasted on me.)

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Sham
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Sham » Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:45 pm

Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....

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unjonharley
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by unjonharley » Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:46 pm

Dear Elliot,
If it rains this year and the playa turns to a mud bog.. Are "you" still going to be able to get around :?: :roll:

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:49 pm

CornMan wrote:Hey Elliot, I didn't get an answer from that other guy's advice forum, so I thought I'd come to you. I went to him first because his advice column was up before yours, not playing any favorites or anything. OK, the question: Do you know any fun pranks to do with bungee balls?
Sure. Referencing that other thread, hold the ball in your teeth and indicate to the victim to grab the cord likewise. Then knock out his front tooth.

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:59 pm

Shambala wrote:Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....
Yes. The recipe is as follows: Put the stainless steel wire brush in the blender and add the bleach, making a steel shake. Add lye to taste. Drink quickly. Then find a large area of snow and pee like crazy until you have written one hundred times in the snow "Mommy was right".

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gaminwench
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by gaminwench » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:00 pm

Dear Elliot,
Will I see you on the playa this year?
"the prophecies of doom were better last year" trilo

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:06 pm

unjonharley wrote:Dear Elliot,
If it rains this year and the playa turns to a mud bog.. Are "you" still going to be able to get around :?: :roll:
Bad Jon. No fair inflicting an inside joke on the unsuspecting eCitizenry. This is about enlightening the masses with Universal Truths, fer cryin out loud.


(Unjon witnessed me get hopelessly stuck in a Mud Bog in Oregon the other day. Most embarrassing.)

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:08 pm

gaminwench wrote:Dear Elliot,
Will I see you on the playa this year?
Yes. All of me.

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ygmir
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by ygmir » Thu Jul 25, 2013 8:56 pm

Elliot wrote:
Shambala wrote:Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....
Yes. The recipe is as follows: Put the stainless steel wire brush in the blender and add the bleach, making a steel shake. Add lye to taste. Drink quickly. Then find a large area of snow and pee like crazy until you have written one hundred times in the snow "Mommy was right".
here I'da thunk you'da just told him not to pee so close in the campfire.
YGMIR

Unabashed Nordic
Pagan

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ibdave
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by ibdave » Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:29 pm

Dear Elliot, are you jealous of all the attention Dear Eric is getting??
I was Born OK the 1st Time....

Don't bring defaultia to Burning Man, take Burning Man to defaultia...... graidawg

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:39 pm

ygmir wrote: ...

here I'da thunk you'da just told him not to pee so close in the campfire.
Hot dog, that's better than mine! Somebody needs to start an Ask Ygmir thread! :lol:

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CornMan
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by CornMan » Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:42 pm

lDear Elliot, will there be any hypnotist camps on the playa this year? I believe I was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and I suspect they have erased it from my memory. I'm hoping that a hypnotist can bring the true facts of what transpired that night into light.
The camp with a difference
Never mind the weather
When you camp with Plug & Ply
Your holiday's forever

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:56 pm

ibdave wrote:Dear Elliot, are you jealous of all the attention Dear Eric is getting??
Have you seen Eric, or a picture thereof? Would I want any admirer of his anywhere near me?!

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:05 pm

CornMan wrote:lDear Elliot, will there be any hypnotist camps on the playa this year? I believe I was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and I suspect they have erased it from my memory. I'm hoping that a hypnotist can bring the true facts of what transpired that night into light.
CornMan, look at this watch. Follow it with your eyes. Yes, it is swinging back and forth. You are becoming sleepy. You are deeply asleep….

Now you remember the little green women who beamed you into their spaceship. The little green naked women. The very lonely little green naked women.

And so on and so forth….

And now you are waking up, and you will never remember any of this. Buwahahahahah.

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gaminwench
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by gaminwench » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:21 pm

Dear Elliot,

Why is it always about sex?
"the prophecies of doom were better last year" trilo

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:59 am

gaminwench wrote:Dear Elliot,

Why is it always about sex?
Good morning, Gorgeous!
It's a bit early in the day for my brain, so the wisecrack will have to wait. Meanwhile, the straight answer is that (straight, yes) is that if it weren't always about sex we would forget to mate and we would be extinct. (Of course, I'm extinct anyway, having had a vasectomy decades ago, but that is probably TMI. :mrgreen: )

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Asquared
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Asquared » Fri Jul 26, 2013 10:11 am

Elliot wrote:I don't have sound in my pooter
dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter?
i don't have sound in mine either, if it makes you feel any better.
"Settle down you two and play nice - or no dubstep for either." mdmf007
"Just look for camp 'Bad Mother Fucker' and ask for Jules." Supafly_fresh

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:05 am

Asquared wrote:
Elliot wrote:I don't have sound in my pooter
dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter? ...
No, I am not. Apparently I live too sheltered a life. Seems to me I picked up pooter to mean computer on this very board, but I'm old and decrepit and my memory is fading fast. I shall use Automatic Electric Enumerating Machine from now on. ...Unless that equals something Eric might use in his personal life.

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Agaton
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Agaton » Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:08 pm

Dear Elliot:

What are they talking about over there?
Eric wrote:
5280MeV wrote:Why does it hurt when I pee?
Apparently you forgot to wrap it before you rode it. I may have to give you a safe sex demo.
FIGJAM wrote:Why does Frogbird have the gongocacacacus!
not wrapped/ rode. See above.
Farted in my wallet; now I have gas money. -Unjonharley

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ygmir
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by ygmir » Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:21 pm

Elliot wrote:
Asquared wrote:
Elliot wrote:I don't have sound in my pooter
dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter? ...
No, I am not. Apparently I live too sheltered a life. Seems to me I picked up pooter to mean computer on this very board, but I'm old and decrepit and my memory is fading fast. I shall use Automatic Electric Enumerating Machine from now on. ...Unless that equals something Eric might use in his personal life.

puter:Image



peweter: Image




pooter:




















Image
YGMIR

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:27 pm

Agaton wrote:Dear Elliot:

What are they talking about over there?
Eric wrote:
5280MeV wrote:Why does it hurt when I pee?
Apparently you forgot to wrap it before you rode it. I may have to give you a safe sex demo.
FIGJAM wrote:Why does Frogbird have the gongocacacacus!
not wrapped/ rode. See above.
Son, if ya gotta wrap it to ride it, maybe ya ought’a just stay offa that iffy pony in the first place.
Quality beats quantity every time, junior.

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Elliot
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Re: Ask Elliot

Post by Elliot » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:39 pm

...pooter...
According to Urban Dictionary, which is nothing at all like an urbane dictionary, pooter can mean a variety of things, and only in Kentucky does it mean computer. (No offense intended to present company from Kentucky.)

As for pewter, I drank from a pewter goblet on the Playa for several years, but switched to stainless steel lest I be affected by "tomato poisoning" -- lead poisoning brought on by acidic foods and beverages consumed from pewter vessels.

I have some nice pewter items from Norway, though.

I also have the fancy tin cup I drank from when I was little. The bottom is rather dented, from banging it on the table.

What's the question?

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