Ask Elliot

[Agaton]

Dear Elliot:

Are there any straight people at Burning Man?

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot:

Are there any straight people at Burning Man?

Yes. And with the BRC population cap now up to 68,000, I expect a full dozen of us this year.

[TT120]

Dear Elliot:

My knees are starting to make noise when I walk. Is this normal?

[mgb327]

Dear Elliot, my moustache has turned the color of your beard....does that mean I am running out of color?

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot:

My knees are starting to make noise when I walk. Is this normal?

No. Your knees should not cause trouble until you are much older –- unless, of course, you hang around with Eric.

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot, my moustache has turned the color of your beard....does that mean I am running out of color?

Yes, regrettably so. Each of us is born with little Epson or HP color cartridges behind our lymph nodes, and the ink runs out faster than we feel is reasonable. And, unlike computer printers, the cartridges are not replaceable or refillable. Apparently, the manufacturer makes his money on the human body itself. Ask your parents what you cost them.

Now… there is an upside to this, because you can switch to black-n-white laser equipment, which costs less to operate, meaning you would not have to trim your moustache so often, saving money on clipper blades and such. And you would have baddass laser beams coming out of your nostrils.

[MacGlenver]

Dear Elliot,

Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? You must love me exactly as much as I love you.

Get ready for it, peoples.

[media]

[CornMan]

Hey Elliot, I didn't get an answer from that other guy's advice forum, so I thought I'd come to you. I went to him first because his advice column was up before yours, not playing any favorites or anything. OK, the question: Do you know any fun pranks to do with bungee balls?

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot,

Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? You must love me exactly as much as I love you.

...

You have a Reading Comprehension Discrepancy, Mack! Just recognizing the “E” ain’t enough. Every letter counts.

So sober up, polish your spectacles, stop scratching your testicles, and concentrate on The Current Task. Then ask E-r-i-c about your love-life, not E-l-l-i-o-t.

(And remember that I don't have sound in my pooter, so movies are wasted on me.)

[Sham]

Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....

[unjonharley]

Dear Elliot,
If it rains this year and the playa turns to a mud bog.. Are "you" still going to be able to get around

[Elliot]

Hey Elliot, I didn't get an answer from that other guy's advice forum, so I thought I'd come to you. I went to him first because his advice column was up before yours, not playing any favorites or anything. OK, the question: Do you know any fun pranks to do with bungee balls?

Sure. Referencing that other thread, hold the ball in your teeth and indicate to the victim to grab the cord likewise. Then knock out his front tooth.

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....

Yes. The recipe is as follows: Put the stainless steel wire brush in the blender and add the bleach, making a steel shake. Add lye to taste. Drink quickly. Then find a large area of snow and pee like crazy until you have written one hundred times in the snow "Mommy was right".

[gaminwench]

Dear Elliot,
Will I see you on the playa this year?

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot,
If it rains this year and the playa turns to a mud bog.. Are "you" still going to be able to get around

Bad Jon. No fair inflicting an inside joke on the unsuspecting eCitizenry. This is about enlightening the masses with Universal Truths, fer cryin out loud.


(Unjon witnessed me get hopelessly stuck in a Mud Bog in Oregon the other day. Most embarrassing.)

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot,
Will I see you on the playa this year?

Yes. All of me.

[ygmir]

Dear Elliot,
A friend of mine (who is too shy to ask himself) has a burning sensation when he pees. Is scrubbing with a wire brush and bleach, the only way to fix this?

Your friend,
Sham....

Yes. The recipe is as follows: Put the stainless steel wire brush in the blender and add the bleach, making a steel shake. Add lye to taste. Drink quickly. Then find a large area of snow and pee like crazy until you have written one hundred times in the snow "Mommy was right".

here I'da thunk you'da just told him not to pee so close in the campfire.

[ibdave]

Dear Elliot, are you jealous of all the attention Dear Eric is getting??

[Elliot]

...

here I'da thunk you'da just told him not to pee so close in the campfire.

Hot dog, that's better than mine! Somebody needs to start an Ask Ygmir thread!

[CornMan]

lDear Elliot, will there be any hypnotist camps on the playa this year? I believe I was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and I suspect they have erased it from my memory. I'm hoping that a hypnotist can bring the true facts of what transpired that night into light.

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot, are you jealous of all the attention Dear Eric is getting??

Have you seen Eric, or a picture thereof? Would I want any admirer of his anywhere near me?!

[Elliot]

lDear Elliot, will there be any hypnotist camps on the playa this year? I believe I was abducted by aliens a few years ago, and I suspect they have erased it from my memory. I'm hoping that a hypnotist can bring the true facts of what transpired that night into light.

CornMan, look at this watch. Follow it with your eyes. Yes, it is swinging back and forth. You are becoming sleepy. You are deeply asleep….

Now you remember the little green women who beamed you into their spaceship. The little green naked women. The very lonely little green naked women.

And so on and so forth….

And now you are waking up, and you will never remember any of this. Buwahahahahah.

[gaminwench]

Dear Elliot,

Why is it always about sex?

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot,

Why is it always about sex?

Good morning, Gorgeous!
It's a bit early in the day for my brain, so the wisecrack will have to wait. Meanwhile, the straight answer is that (straight, yes) is that if it weren't always about sex we would forget to mate and we would be extinct. (Of course, I'm extinct anyway, having had a vasectomy decades ago, but that is probably TMI. )

[Asquared]

I don't have sound in my pooter

dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter?
i don't have sound in mine either, if it makes you feel any better.

[Elliot]

I don't have sound in my pooter

dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter? ...

No, I am not. Apparently I live too sheltered a life. Seems to me I picked up pooter to mean computer on this very board, but I'm old and decrepit and my memory is fading fast. I shall use Automatic Electric Enumerating Machine from now on. ...Unless that equals something Eric might use in his personal life.

[Agaton]

Dear Elliot:

What are they talking about over there?

Why does it hurt when I pee?

Apparently you forgot to wrap it before you rode it. I may have to give you a safe sex demo.

Why does Frogbird have the gongocacacacus!

not wrapped/ rode. See above.

[ygmir]

I don't have sound in my pooter

dear elliot,

are you aware of the slang definition of pooter? ...

No, I am not. Apparently I live too sheltered a life. Seems to me I picked up pooter to mean computer on this very board, but I'm old and decrepit and my memory is fading fast. I shall use Automatic Electric Enumerating Machine from now on. ...Unless that equals something Eric might use in his personal life.

puter:



peweter:




pooter:

[Elliot]

Dear Elliot:

What are they talking about over there?

Why does it hurt when I pee?

Apparently you forgot to wrap it before you rode it. I may have to give you a safe sex demo.

Why does Frogbird have the gongocacacacus!

not wrapped/ rode. See above.

Son, if ya gotta wrap it to ride it, maybe ya ought’a just stay offa that iffy pony in the first place.
Quality beats quantity every time, junior.

[Elliot]

...pooter...

According to Urban Dictionary, which is nothing at all like an urbane dictionary, pooter can mean a variety of things, and only in Kentucky does it mean computer. (No offense intended to present company from Kentucky.)

As for pewter, I drank from a pewter goblet on the Playa for several years, but switched to stainless steel lest I be affected by "tomato poisoning" -- lead poisoning brought on by acidic foods and beverages consumed from pewter vessels.

I have some nice pewter items from Norway, though.

I also have the fancy tin cup I drank from when I was little. The bottom is rather dented, from banging it on the table.

What's the question?