Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:20 pm

Advice column for those that truely should know better.

Uncover your deepest secrets and fears, so we can laugh at them.

Ask intensely personal questions to people that would rather see you run over with a power mower.

Seek sage advice from people that are mentally picturing rabid elves gnawing off your genitals.

Find answers which could give you self-inflicted wounds.

Or, in other words, welcome to our advice column.

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:23 pm

Um, dear evil Rob adn Surleytart,

Why are you guys so mean?

Sincerely,
Genuine Seeker

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:24 pm

Yayy!!

Dear Rob the Wop and Surlytart -

i am bored off my ass at work... what should I do?

Signed,
* sigh *

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:32 pm

tisha2 wrote:Yayy!!

Dear Rob the Wop and Surlytart -

i am bored off my ass at work... what should I do?

Signed,
* sigh *

Dear *sigh*:

find someone who has power over you. sit on their desk. be as disgustingly provocative as possible. be sure that your 'come hither' look includes a flickering tongue.

when you get their pants off, see what happens when you try to plug their penis into the electrical socket.

write a new act to the current production reflecting what you learn.

sadistically,
surlytart

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:33 pm

Dear ER and ST,

What do you recommend to increase the pleasure of anal sex?

AND

Why do people make fun of me?

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:33 pm

gigglesnort wrote:Um, dear evil Rob adn Surleytart,

Why are you guys so mean?

Sincerely,
Genuine Seeker

Dear Genuine Seeker:

We're not mean. You're just a spineless, snivelling weakling.

Genuinely,
Surlytart

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:37 pm

gigglesnort wrote:Um, dear evil Rob adn Surleytart,

Why are you guys so mean?

Sincerely,
Genuine Seeker

Dear Genuine Seeker,

We have beaten, killed and eaten the original starters of this thread- Sunbeam Garcia and Love Cherison. We figured their parents would be too high to miss them anyway and they would just give you granola recipies.

We're here for more pratical purposes, like making fun of you for our own amusement and trying to push a little reality into your patchoulli scented, hemp wrapped bubble.

And if just spent the time to learn how to use the phonebook, the whole 'Seeker' thing wuold be a moot point. Sheesh.

Determendly,
Evil Rob

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:40 pm

blyslv wrote:Dear ER and ST,

What do you recommend to increase the pleasure of anal sex?

AND

Why do people make fun of me?
Dear blyslv:

It depends, you pathetic, brainless fart. For her pleasure when YOU are performing, stinging nettle or devil's club. For your pleasure when she's performing, a strap on (there's a reason you didn't feel anything). For your pleasure when you're performing, there's nothing you can do. Cut off your member, join a choir, become a monk. The world will be a better place.

Why do people make fun of me?

Rob will answer this when he's finished laughing at you.

-st

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:40 pm

blyslv wrote:Dear ER and ST,

What do you recommend to increase the pleasure of anal sex?

AND

Why do people make fun of me?

Dear Anal Boy,

a) A partner.

b) Because you ask how to increase the pleasure of anal sex from an advice columnist in a public forum.

Increduloiusly,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:45 pm

tisha2 wrote:Yayy!!

Dear Rob the Wop and Surlytart -

i am bored off my ass at work... what should I do?

Signed,
* sigh *

Dear *sigh*,

KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL! You know they deserve it, and that they are all plotting against you. That one...yyyeeeessss... He seems to to looking at you, but turns away when you look back. You'll never catch him, nnoooo my precious. But he thinkes bad thoughts to you...yyyeeessssss... You must kill him before he strikes... yyyeeessss....

Mentally yours,
Evil Rob

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:03 pm

Dear Rob and Surleytart:

I have been told that I can only continue working for this corporation if I;

A) Undergo a company approved lobotomy (no home lobotomys allowed); or
2) Have my head surgically inserted in my ass.

I have a few reservations about this, but if I want to stay here, these are the requirements. What should I do?

Confused Drone

P.S. I'll bet this one stumps you!

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:06 pm

Dear Confused Drone:

Both options have already taken place. There's nothing to concern yourself with.

Sagely,
Surlytart

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:12 pm

Dear Confused Drone,

Get a job with Tisha2. Whisper "I'm watching you" in her ear from time to time, it makes her feel special to know someone is looking out for her.

Especially evilly,
Evil Rob

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:13 pm

You guys rawk..... just like ravens

"Rawk! Rawk! Rawk!"

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:17 pm

Dear Confused Drone:

One more question: how does it smell in your world?

Pityingly,

surlytart

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:23 pm

Dear ER & ST,

How do I get my small children to listen to me?

Exasperatedly,
Givesa Shit

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:30 pm

Dear Givesa Shit,

Tie them. Tightly. Brandish hot pokers.

And have fun.

Relishingly,
Surlytart

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:41 pm

gigglesnort wrote:Dear ER & ST,

How do I get my small children to listen to me?

Exasperatedly,
Givesa Shit

Dear Givesa Shit,

The problem with your children is not that they are ignoring you. The problem lies in the relative size of their ear canals. It is simply to small to carry the sounds to their eardrums.

Help your children by taking a power drill to their ears. Make sure not to drill in too far and puncture their eardrum. Repeat with increasingly larger drill sizes until they indicate that they can hear you clearly.

Entirely medically,
Evil Rob

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 5:11 pm

Dear Rob...what's the quickest way to enightenment?

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 5:43 pm

Dear Rob 'n' Surly-

What question should I ask you?

-Workin' 'n' Lurkin'

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:22 pm

cowboyangel wrote:Dear Rob...what's the quickest way to enightenment?

Dear cowboyangel,

A can of gasoline and a match. Only works once.

Flamingly,
Evil Rob

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:28 pm

hmmm I guess that works for e-nightenment as well

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:28 pm

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Rob 'n' Surly-

What question should I ask you?

-Workin' 'n' Lurkin'

Dear Workin' 'n' Lurkin',

How best to remove yourself from the gene pool is always good. Where do I send money is a great runner up.

Evilly and greedily,
Evil Rob

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:32 pm

Dear Rob, please complete the sentence...."when confounded by the tribulations of ones Karma......

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:32 am

Dear E & S

How do you deal with tards in your life that expect no consequeces for THEIR OWN actions yet always expect others to suffer consequences for theirs?

Yours truly,

Goober

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 11:19 am

Dear Surly Rob and Evil Tart--
This Xmas I'd like to give away the ultimate white elephant--my foot fungus. However, I am at a loss to decide who deserves this very special gift and the best manner of presentation. Can you help?

Thank you very much,

--Myco

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:49 pm

Okay, then-

Dear Rob & Surly-

How might I best remove myself from the gene pool?

-Swimming, Occasionally Treading W.. er, genes

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:29 pm

theCryptofishist wrote:Dear Surly Rob and Evil Tart--
This Xmas I'd like to give away the ultimate white elephant--my foot fungus. However, I am at a loss to decide who deserves this very special gift and the best manner of presentation. Can you help?

Thank you very much,

--Myco

Might I suggest "Secret Santa"? Trot those tootsies down to the nearest pedicure joint, the cheaper the better, and toss them into the footbath. That should spread that holiday chear far and wide!

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 2:15 pm

cowboyangel wrote:Dear Rob...what's the quickest way to enightenment?

Dear Unenlightened One:

A quick, painful death.

With Insight,
Surlytart

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Dec 08, 2004 2:16 pm

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Rob 'n' Surly-

What question should I ask you?

-Workin' 'n' Lurkin'

Dear Workin' 'n' Lurkin':

Do us all a favour and don't.

Briefly,
Surlytart