Thank You for Being You

[Daveofthedust73]

At Burning Man, its never quite clear to me if I’m dreaming or I am the dream.

The dream of Mackenzie.

It’s morning, the sun has just come up. The air is still cool and the angle of the sun is low and belies the hellish fury it will unleash as it’s path becomes less acute. I’m lost. I watched the sun come up with a group of people whom i didn’t even know. I hadn’t made any effort to know them, nor they me. I’ve been surrounded by people and yet I haven’t spoken to anyone in hours. I’m still dressed from the evening. I’m wearing my fur coat. I’m exhausted. I remove my furry outer layer, throw it over my shoulder, turn my back to the sun and start the long walk home. My shadow taller than a first down.

Sometimes when I feel lost I’ll focus my attention on anything to try and find peace. Her walk.
It has a purpose, it knows where it is going.

It’s easy to tell that she is young, not too young, but younger than myself, easily by a decade.
A decade prior I may have watched her walking because it was arousing, watched her and hoped I may walk next to her. Now I’m just watching her because I need something to focus on and her energy makes that easy to do.

She parks her bike and heads into the SoundGarden. It’s nothing more than shade structure under which people are dancing to music that I could easily dismiss as white spiritual garbage. But I’m too tired to judge and I let it wash over me.

She confidently walks to the edge of the crowd, removes her shoes then slips amongst the people and starts dancing. It is beautiful and I cant take my eyes off of her. She is the only one that is moving through the entire crowd, like a butterfly, sometimes she lands and stays with a person, but then she lifts off again. I’m transfixed.

She sees me watching her, and I get the sense she doesn’t mind. One of the things I love about Burning Man is simply watching people be beautiful. She is.

At some point I turn away because I want to I respect her and make sure I’m not making her feel uncomfortable. I walk a few yards away.

There on the playa I see that someone has made the infinity symbol in the dust. I walk to stand at the point of intersection. I double over and begin to cry uncontrollably. It knocks me to my knees. My hands on the earth, I lift my face up and the tears streaming down my face erase the layer of dust on my cheeks. I sit down and realize it is grief finding its way to the surface. Grief for my friend who died. Ive never known a Burning Man without him.

A dream of Noah.

He’s no older than 25. He’s beautiful and radiant. He walks up to me and offers me a piece of dried mango. I accept, it is delicious.

In his other hand he is holding a half eaten tube of salami. He makes a joke about smudging people with it. It makes me throw my head back with laughter.

We start to talk. He tells me a beautiful story about connecting with a woman. He allowed himself to be vulnerable and open to her and she responded.

I tell him I am watching this woman dance and that it was her movement that lead me to stop here, that lead me to this spot & that lead me to the conversation that he and are now having. A conversation that I didn’t know that I was in dire need of. A connection that is saving me from folding too far inward.

I keep expecting him to say he has to go, he doesn’t. We continue to talk. He listens, he responds. I listen, I respond.

His friend Rourke comes over and engages in our conversation. There is so much love emanating from both of them. They both ask to give me a hug, asking for consent is always amazing. We hug.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her leaving the group, sitting down and putting on her shoes. I thank Noah for everything he has given me and walk over to her as she is grabbing her bike.

I tell her that I followed her there and that I thought she danced beautifully. I tell her that it was her energy that lead me there and held me there and allowed me to have my conversation with Noah. I thank her for being her and for changing the course of my day, it might be better to say that she saved my day.

She offers me an effulgent smile and says that really touches her to hear that.
I thank her again and walk away.

Our dream together.

We have been partying in the middle of a dust storm for more than a few hours. Driving around aimlessly in circles, occasionally stopping, dancing our asses off and then moving on. Not one of this mass of 60 or more people cares one bit about the hellish conditions.

At one stop I find myself on the upper deck or our car looking down upon the madness and laughing. I don’t know when she appeared next to me, and I don’t remember how we started talking.

I am marveling at the strong connection with this group of people whom she is a part of. She tells me one of the absolute best ‘this One time at Burning Man’ stories Ive ever heard. It was the story about how this camp had come to be. It truly deserves its own story and it absolutely should be told one day.

Our talk deepens, she leans in.

I tell her that I believe that we have the capability to change the weather at the festival. I tell her that Ive experienced it on more than one occasion. She takes off her sunglasses to reveal her ice blue eyes and the tears that are streaming from them tell me she is the first person Ive ever told this to that unequivocally agrees with me.

And In that exact moment the group down below starts to gather for a group photo. All of that energy centers into one small space, tightly together, particles coalescing and combining to form a larger single unit. Tighter in they move, making sure everyone gets in the photo.

In that area where they are all gathered, the dust literally stops blowing, the sky above them turns to bright clear blue. The photo is taken, the group breaks apart and within seconds the dust consumes the space it has receded from. She and I look at each other. I don’t remember if anything was even said.

Two people knowing that what is impossible is absolutely possible is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced in my life. What if we all knew?

My dream of Ben.

I know its probably going to be a bust, because it looks like an art piece that is design for night viewing, but I make the trip over to it anyway.

It’s a center pole with strings of lights that come from the top of the pole down to the ground and create a conical shape. There’s a few instruments and things to touch inside of the cone, but there’s nothing else going on with the piece.

He is there. He’s putting stickers on the center pole. One says ‘no pooping’ the other says ‘you’re a pizza shit’.

I say hello and we briefly talk about the piece, he gives me a few stickers.

He tells me his name is Ben and that his dad did an art piece, and he helped him install it.

It was a tree of sorts with barbecues on the ends of the branches. He says that he and his dad will be out there every night barbecuing meat on the fires in the branches. I tell him that sounds amazing, thank him for being a part of the festival and we part ways.

She hungry. Really hungry. It’s past midnight and she can’t remember if she ate dinner. She and I are biking around taking turns choosing pieces of art and then biking to them. In the distance I see what looks to be a tree with its branches on fire. I remember.

I choose the tree and we bike over towards it, as we get closer the salivating smell of freshly cooked meat grows ever stronger. She is over the moon.

We park our bikes and walk up to the person working the grill at the end of one of the branches. I say ‘Hello Ben!’

He is excited to see me again and says he’s been wondering all week when serendipity will happen and he’s thrilled it finally did. It makes me so very happy to be his serendipity.

He tells us to help ourselves. A piece of deliciously seared and blackened boneless chicken breast has, and never will, taste as good as that one did.

I dream of Cuyla.

Our belly’s full of the most delicious pieces of chicken we’ve ever had. I ask her is she wants to walk through the embers and the flames.
She says yes.

We bike over to the what is left of the temple. The red hot coals and patches of flames that can still attest to its existence. I take her by the hand and lead her through the paths of darkness that lie in between the patches of heat and light.

The air is hot. I can feel the heat through the soles of my shoes.

We make it through and then turn back and walk through it again. I haven’t done this in many years. It feels like hugging a friend that’s been away just a bit too long. It reminds me of so many amazing moments. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel less lost, less alone.

By the end i realized that the only way I truly understood the fact that I was supposed to be there was by seeing the festival through the eyes of the people that had never been & next to the eyes of someone that understood and believed something impossible, just like me.

Sitting in the middle of that infinity symbol, tears streaming down my face, pain in my heart, was when I realized I WAS supposed to be there.

And It became so astoundingly clear to me that I’m there simply because of you.
I’m there for all of you . And I’m eternally grateful that you are there for me too.

Sweet dreams.

[gaminwench]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.