My Epic Journey Home

[gaminwench]

I'm guessing the really BIG ones...

[maryanimal]

...bigger is alway better, n'est pas?

[gaminwench]

well, at least in this particular case, yes!

[maryanimal]

Are we talking about chicken wings here or are we talking about something completely different Yay? Or is this a double entendre?

[gaminwench]

I thought we were discussing the hands all over YOU!

[maryanimal]

LOLMAO...yeah, big hands are nice too!!

[gaminwench]

YAY! made MA laugh!!!!!

Jax had better come back soon, cuz we're taking over her thread...

(Sorry, Jax)

[shroom]

Now I'm waiting too....

[MyDearFriend]

Yeah come on Jax where you at???

Maybe next year we can do this better, is what I'm thinking, though this is really a great story.

MORE PLEASE!!!

[Jax Dee]

Sorry for the delay, Thursday was a bit overwhelming for me. So continues Part 3:

We began our last leg of the journey to Reno. We are sleep deprived. We are dirty. We are irritable and none too fond of
the other at this point. I am faking sleep in the car so he won't talk to me. He is getting pissed at me sleeping cause he
needs me to keep him amused and awake. For my own safety I humour him. We go through the salt pans in Utah where I have a
heart stoping moment as he suggests we off road in his sports car. As if we aren't already spending too much on gas. Oh
did I say we? I meant I have spent too much on gas. He has paid nothing up to this point because he won't have any money
til he gets paid September 1st. And the bad oil and subsequent break down has cost us an extra $300 more than I originally
calculated. He said as a joke when we began the trip that we would end it hating each other. Too late. We aren't hafway
through and I already hate him. I just keep thinking Reno will fix this. We will calm down, get some rest, and be on the
last golden stretch to the burn.

Miraculously we make it and check into the Sands Resort and Casino on Sunday evening. I'm so excited! The weight on my
shoulders lifts and I just feel exhilerated and ready to get to Burning Man tomorrow. I shower and
order tons of room service. I check in with my eplaya friend Fishy (the Cryptofishist) as I know she is staying at the Sands as well. She
lets me know she is broken down on the side of the road. I worriedly text her back and demand to know if she is alright
and if someone is with her. I try to imagine how we will go get her if she needs it. Our car is tiny and filled with pointless crap.
She texts yes she is ok and with someone. I calm down, stuff my face, and begin to tally up the travel receipts and make a shopping list. Fishy finally
arrives which makes me happy but tells me she is tired and I confirm I am as well. We leave it open ended whether we
will meet in the morning.

During all this time my driver is wandering in and out of the room, to go smoke downstairs, but then he'd get lost and
turned around in the casino. Every time he returned he appeared more agitated. He ignored the shower and lovely bed. He
ignored the food. He set up his computer and worked up an ire over the fact that he couldn't pick up any wifi to get
internet connectivity. He noticed me tallying up receipts and seemed to get angry at me over this. He implied I was an idiot and
couldn't tally them properly. He took them away from me at this point and started to shuffle them around on the desk. He started to panic
about having enough money to get home after the burn. He berated me over and over about the money and what he would have
to do to raise more for us. I stared at him in shock for awhile over his outburst and finally interrupted him to let him
know we were fine for money and I would of course be able to cover my share of gas on the way home. He then began screaming
at me "Then why would you tell me you don't have enough money and let me get all worked up and worried!?!"

I am really tired and confused at this point. I tell him I never said any such thing and ask him to stop screaming at me.
I am lying in bed at this point trying to get some sleep. He proceeds to stand over me and call me crazy and yell at me
about my lack of intelligence and just generally get verbally abusive. I begin to cry which seems to make him even
angrier. He paces, he gesticulates, he screams. I cried and huddled in bed. This continued for about 4 hours. You may
wonder why I let this go on. I am not totally sure myself but I can say that I was in shock. In that moment he very much
reminded me of an ex-boyfriend. A man who spent two years knocking down my self esteem and verbally abusing
me. It took me a long time to get away from him and get my head on straight after that experience. But in that hotel room
I fell right back into my victim mentality and let him terrorize me for four hours.

I had been asking the entire time for him to calm down and stop yelling at me. I finally stopped being upset/shocked and
got angry. I snapped. I sat up in bed and yelled back at him once and for all to stop screaming at me and to sit the fuck
down and maybe even get some sleep. I did scream, but I didn't get out of bed, I didn't make any movements, and I did
not threaten him with anything. I am a disabled female crying in a bed.

You would have thought I had just physically assaulted him or pulled a gun on him. He proceeded to shrink back, huddle in on
himself, and accuse me of threatening him. He said I was mentally deranged, that he feared for my safety, that maybe he
should call the authorities and have a doctor take custody of me. He started to scream at me again, how could I do this to
him, how could I keep him from sleeping after he'd been awake 4 days, how could I threaten him. I asked him what the hell
he was talking about. How was I keeping him from sleep, how was I a "threat"? He screamed back at me that I was obviously
a violent individual, that he feared for his safety, and how could he sleep when he knew I would take the opportunity to
stab and kill him? I proceeded to leap out of bed, pick up the phone, and tell him I was calling the cops if he didn't
shut up and stop screaming at me. He then went and huddled in the corner. I returned to bed with no idea of what to do. I
knew I needed him gone because if he thought I was a threat to him, he would eventually snap and become a threat to me.

[ygmir]

holy crap............

[Elderberry]

Note to self...NEVER ride share to BM with a stranger.

[deutlich]

Note to self...NEVER ride share to BM with a stranger.

+5000

[Jax Dee]

Note to self...NEVER ride share to BM with a stranger.

He wasn't a stranger. I'd known him a little while, met him a few times, he is very good friends with many of my good friends. He has supposedly never done anything like this. I don't care who you are: if you don't sleep, don't eat, and do nothing but pop what is essentially speed for four days in a row, you will go crazy. In fact a common side effect of abusing uppers, speed in particular, is paranoia, specifically paranoia about those close to you or around you. You will hallucinate and begin to believe that everyone is out to get you. He was also convinced his mother was involved somehow. The man just needed a damn sandwich and a nap. Unfortunately I couldn't force him to do either.

[Simon of the Playa]

i will confirm from personal experience that this is indeed the case while on an adderall binge....shit gets weird, fast, after day three...


i do not recommend it.


temporary psychosis is never pretty.

[Minxy]

Shit, Jax, I'll drive over your way to help you avoid this shit in the future. Or pay for a plane ticket!

[Drawingablank]

Ouch - this sounds like the road trip from hell, and its not even done yet.

[Elderberry]

Yikes!

Note to self...NEVER ride share to BM with a stranger.

He wasn't a stranger. I'd known him a little while, met him a few times, he is very good friends with many of my good friends. He has supposedly never done anything like this. I don't care who you are: if you don't sleep, don't eat, and do nothing but pop what is essentially speed for four days in a row, you will go crazy. In fact a common side effect of abusing uppers, speed in particular, is paranoia, specifically paranoia about those close to you or around you. You will hallucinate and begin to believe that everyone is out to get you. He was also convinced his mother was involved somehow. The man just needed a damn sandwich and a nap. Unfortunately I couldn't force him to do either.

[tahiti_treat]

Hoooooly crap.

I can definitely relate to the whole "falling back into the victim mentality" thing. I had an ex-boyfriend similar to the one you describe, and though it's been years I find myself reacting the way you did when someone's behaviour reminds me of his. It's terrifying. *hugs*

[Jax Dee]

Hoooooly crap.

I can definitely relate to the whole "falling back into the victim mentality" thing. I had an ex-boyfriend similar to the one you describe, and though it's been years I find myself reacting the way you did when someone's behaviour reminds me of his. It's terrifying. *hugs*

Thank you for getting this. I know logically I did nothing wrong but I still feel ashamed of my behaviour. It is hard not to blame yourself when in an abusive situation because that is exactly what the abuser is manipulating you to feel. It is hard to describe to someone who has not lived it themselves. And it is shaming to try and explain how you could let yourself be treated that way to others who confront you about it. Thereby victimizing the victum all over again. A horrible cycle I would not wish on anyone. The above event was a "trigger" for me and I now realize I may not be as healed as I fooled myself into thinking. I am considering a return to therapy.

[lucky420]

this just wants to make me slap the shit out of your roadmate...

[NellieX]

Oh my god, dude sounds horrible. I'm glad you made it to and from the Burn safely. Was your return trip any better?

[graidawg]

oh my god! just shit. Jax this is aweful truly aweful the worst possible start to burning man. It's so far out of my comprehension for something this terrible to happen.

[Elderberry]

Hey, you can't skip ahead.

Oh my god, dude sounds horrible. I'm glad you made it to and from the Burn safely. Was your return trip any better?

[ben-no]

I ran into them on Friday in mo when we were heading out too. He didn't seem too bad at that point.

[Lassen Forge]

this just wants to make me slap the shit out of your roadmate...

+ about 13,247.2 or so. They make baseball bats for just such an occasion.

takes deeep breath...


This guy needs the shit kicked out of him. Goddess knows. Fucker... I hate abusive fuckwads, and ESPECIALLY abusive tweakers... Think it was from when I was a tweaker, and people tried to abuse me. Peh.

Rule #1. NEVER EVER feel bad about standing up for yourself, Jax. EVER!!! YOU have EVERY right to DEMAND you are treated well. No, treated EXCELLENTLY! YOU ARE an AWESOME WOMAN, don't EVER let anyone think otherwise. And if that means putting your foot in some turdballs crotch at high velocity, then upside his now-conveniently-placed chin, then.... HE DESERVED IT.

What an abusive SHIT. Thunderdome would have been too good for him. The Frog Pond Range would have been too good for him. He had NO excuse. Grrr...

Anyway, sorry for the rage, but, well... yeah. Sorry.

Got some more beer, and a bag of pretzels... er... care to continue? I want to see how this plays!

[Mojojita]

You know, one great thing about staying in that particular hotel is that there are a ton of burners there - even days before the event opens. If you had the ability to get online to eplaya or even just get down to the casino floor, you likely would not have had too much trouble getting help. I think I would have had the hotel security help me get my stuff out of his car and then kick his raggedy ass out of the room.

I think the worst thing about victimization is that it makes us hesitate to ask for help! What a nightmare.....

[cpart]

This guy needs the shit kicked out of him. Goddess knows. Fucker... I hate abusive fuckwads, and ESPECIALLY abusive tweakers... Think it was from when I was a tweaker, and people tried to abuse me. Peh.

While I agree that this guy was a horrible asshole, you may want to take into the account that he has bad PTSD plus a drug problem. I don't think kicking the shit out of him would help anything, no matter how much every one of us wants to do it after reading this story.

[NellieX]

Hey, you can't skip ahead.

Oh my god, dude sounds horrible. I'm glad you made it to and from the Burn safely. Was your return trip any better?

DAMNIT.

[Jax Dee]

I ran into them on Friday in mo when we were heading out too. He didn't seem too bad at that point.

While I agree that this guy was a horrible asshole, you may want to take into the account that he has bad PTSD plus a drug problem. I don't think kicking the shit out of him would help anything, no matter how much every one of us wants to do it after reading this story.

Yes, he is normally an excitable but sweet person. He struggles with his PTSD all the time. In the back of my head was the knowledge of this and I think that kept me around longer than normal simply because I was genuinely worried about his health at this point. He would not have been acting like this had he simply had some sleep and food. However at what point do we get held accountable for our actions? He is an adult who chose to abuse his meds, not sleep, and not eat. I had to accept at some point that I could do nothing for him and that he was endangering me as well. Part Four in which I get rescued is coming soon.