The Queens Castle. I shit you not.

[kiboy]

In my signature is a quote from Freud. The moment I ran across that quote I had a flash of insight into why BM has meant so much to me.

A little background. I grew up in a Fundamentalist Baptist Christian home where most of my activities were restricted and it was pretty much a loveless and fear based homelife. I was never touched or told I was a good boy or asked if I was having difficulties but I was punished for any transgression. We were estranged from our neighbors who were almost all Catholic and so I really found it hard to be included in any play in my neighborhood. I was a very anxious and lonely kid. I did a lot of staring out the window watching the world go by.

I remember I could see a corner of a busy intersection on a hill about a mile from the house. There was a gas station and a grocery store and a little party store there and they had some colored and bright lights like stores did back in the 60s and there was an intersection there with a stoplight that had the red/yellow/green light. At night when it was dark in the house I'd stare at that corner with all the bright lights and imagine that it was a far off and wonderful land and the lights were to a castle where a great and wonderful queen reigned. I would stare at that place night after night and dream of all the wonderful gatherings of happy people that was going down. I wanted to be there so bad and I felt this tremendous ache deep in my heart and I felt so forlorn wondering if I would ever get there someday.

The first night of my first Burn when I saw the fantastic lights I had made it. It didn't dawn on me why it was so amazing to me at the time. I had forgotten about those lights on the corner way back when. I was dumbstruck with wonder and joy that I could hardly explain rationally. It was only when I saw that quote a few days ago that it dawned on my why BM is so important and amazing to me. I had made it to the Queens Castle.


Anyone have a similar experience relating to BM? I'd love to hear it.

[maladroit]

I had a very similar background with very similar results. I'm 34 now so it's all a bit more recent for me. It took ten years to slowly break down the fear and distrust of everyone and everything "out there." Still working on it, really. It's hard for me not to reflexively judge people who think differently. From time to time I discover a new programmed response to some situation, something I haven't yet confronted and thought through on my own terms.

What you learn as a child becomes your default response to the world, as you haven't known anything different. Even if it makes you uncomfortable and you think it's wrong...you'll do it before you even realize it. I didn't make great progress until I slowly became able to make real friends. People that I didn't drop like a hot potato the minute I found they had a different opinion. People who were willing to call me out on my bullshit when I needed it.

Burning Man was a pretty big milestone on that journey. I had heard of it occasionally and easily dismissed it as a dirty hippy sex rave. I showered every morning and didn't get much dirtier than car grease on my hands. Didn't like extreme heat. Pretty much nothing I'd have liked about it. But eventually I ran into people that I respected and accepted. And found out that these people go to that crazy hippie rave. The paradox was enough to chew on for a few years. Finally the opportunity arose to just go for it...and I did. It was an amazing wonderland, I ran tirelessly all over the place unbelieving. I discovered that it was truly painless to accept people no matter their background, beliefs, hobbies, or clothing choices. A few times I felt more at home than I'd ever felt before...and a few times I felt more alone than I'd allowed myself to face before.

It wasn't a huge perspective shift, but it did accelerate what I'd been working on for years. It pushed me over the edge to truly care about people at their heart, rather than how useful they were to me.

[Lonesomebri]

So similar in backgrounds it's scary.

Can't explain it as pretty as you, but there is a sense for me of belonging at the Burn, even when I am standing by myself in a duststorm.
I can feel like a man there, like I did as a child. I don't need to be clean or get the figures right, just don't cry if i scrape my knee, be strong, and make the world right.
And I see the residue of my upbringing also; leaning unconsciously puritanical, believing there is good and evil, at war with authority.
Thanks for your insights, into yourselves and into my own motives.

Oh yeah, and FIRE, lots of FIRE. And explosions.... These also played a huge part in my youth.

[kiboy]

And cap guns. It was fine for Christians to have guns, but not to be physically affectionate to their kin. Wow! But those cap guns were fun.

[maladroit]

I left to discover the world knowing everything there was to know about hate, but I had no idea what love was and had to learn on my own. Overlooked it several times in the process.

[kiboy]

Glad you made it. I love the company.

[ranger magnum]

My childhood was wonderful. I had loving parents, and an older sister that I adored. So love and acceptance was a thing I was used to.

So it was no stretch in my mind that I would love Burningman, and after my first trip in 96 I was hooked.

At first I was quite the selfish burner. I contributed nothing, and used out as an excuse for drug taking, and general debauchery.
But then a funny thing happened: I started to contribute. First as a theme camp, then in later years (and currently) a Ranger. The more I did for the community, the better my burns became. This last year I clocked over 145 hours, over three weeks.

And I couldn't have been happier.

[kiboy]

That's totally awesome! I love hearing stuff like that. Man I do envy you your childhood. Mine set me back a lot and it's been a real struggle at times. But we don't choose the cards we're dealt as far as I know. We just have to play them.

[pink]

Your family growing up sounds a lot like mine. I was 30 years old before I learned to hug. My life now is more than I could have ever dreamed, and in no small part to the lessons I've learned at Burning Man. Most of all how to just be at times. Can't do it all the time, but I've dumped baggage I didn't even know I was carrying, not to mention all the crap I knew I had.

[kiboy]

Awesome. I'll bet similar stories aren't rare. Have a friend with a similar story. His kids were in there 20s before that breakthrough happened. Actually due to a chemically induced voyage he and I had on a desert mountainside in Eastern Oregon. He had driven all the way from Kentucky to meet me due to a connection we formed over the internet. I was the first man he had ever hugged. He was so scared and excited that he just about crushed me with that hug lol. I had to stop him. He was about 350lb and 6'4". lol. Within a year he had lost 100 lbs. and his whole life had rearranged. He was able to hold his wifes hand in public, hug his kids, etc. It was pretty amazing. His childhood was a mess. We have been close friends now for maybe 5 years and have had many similar voyages together. He's one of the most intelligent and focused people I've ever met and now there is very little in his life that holds him back compared to when I met him. He lives in AZ. along the Mexico border and often crosses over into areas that are considered dangerous just for the adventure. He can befriend anyone almost anyone and he has little fear of people now. His move to AZ. was all about a childhood dream of living where Don Juan (Carlos Castaneda) roamed with CC in the teachings of Don Juan. He's happy as a clam living down there now.

Had my BM experiences not worked some magic with me I doubt we'd have ever hooked up. I'd like to see the Man able to keep working that magic in people's lives.

[Corvus]

There are two kinds of Christian out there, those who do good because it pelases God, and those who do good because He'll kick their ass if they don't.* Unfortunately, there are far too many of the latter in this world. I'm glad you broke through.

*Then there are those who don't do good at all, but that's another matter.

[kiboy]

Agree.

Off topic here but do you attend SAGUARO MAN? Looks absolutely like great desert fun. Do you have to live in AZ to attend?

[kiboy]

Agree.

Off topic here but do you attend SAGUARO MAN? Looks absolutely like great desert fun. Do you have to live in AZ to attend?

[Corvus]

Agree.

Off topic here but do you attend SAGUARO MAN? Looks absolutely like great desert fun. Do you have to live in AZ to attend?

Anwers are yes, and no. Details in a PM.