To the Executives at the Good Humor Consumer Relations Dept.

[Fat SAM]

This was written a REALLY long time ago by me and a friend of mine. We were...*ahem...there were extenuating mental circumstances at the time pen was put to paper. Anyway, all of the typos are from the original and I dedicate it, therefore, to my employer Rex Scates, for whom I'm ghost writing now.

I thought I'd post it because it makes me laugh. Hopefully, you guys'll dig it, too.

To the Executives at the Good Humor Consumer Relations Dept;
1. The foloing is a list of contents and side effects which have been clinically proven to be prevalent and or caused by your ice cream products
The items listed and contents hich cause serious, life threatening maladies should no longer be placed in your ice cream bars.
The offending items and effects are as listed below:
a: Heinz Tomato Flotsam and Jetsam
b: sputum
c: Le Marquis de Sade
d: cud
e: vitamin Q (also known as lead)
f: plutonium
g: filth
h: the afterbirth of wolves and other lupine forest animals
i: The Automatic Home Vasectomy Kit - Complete with Scrotum Stretch'um and Testicle Destructo - Ray Laser *
j: The entire population of China
k: Bony Exoskeleton
l: Things that have fallen off lepers
m: Speculums
n: The Missing Link
p: and contains the proper genetic sequence so as to cause assimilation into the ice cream bar.
and cause the following side effects...

1. vernacular explotusions: the most serious of cases can cause blindness and cannibalism
2. an ass full of salt water: this can lead to serious handicaps to your golf game
3. cold fusion
4. black holes: the complications resulting from black holes can be as serious so as to lead to the Earth being rended apart in a huge gravity well, thus destroying all life on our planet.
5. sodomy: the effects of sodomy are terrible indeed. This debilitating affliction can lead to enlargement of the rectum and anus. Dangerous complications may result if this comlication coincides with an ass full of salt water.
6. Great Schisms
7. Cat Collisions: This is possibly the saddest of all of the side effects of the ice cream products. Upon taking a bite of the bar, cats fly out of interdimensional port holes at speeds far exceeding even the speed of sound. It is inevitable that these to dimensional travelers collide. The impact is always deadly
8. Accidental Death and Dismemberment: This is a direct result of cat - collisions
9. erections: This is a not altogether unpleasant side-effect that I have in fact enjoyed to a certain point. I like demonstrate the effect in public, in fact. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK.
10. Eternal Damnation: As you may have guessed, this is not only extremely unpleasant, but also the most permanent of the side effects of your ice cream/evil/satanic concoction.

Failure to rectify the gross inphallitations of health codes will place you in direct violation of the Geneva Convention.

Furthermore, such disregard for the public's well being and eternal souls is at total odds with the implied morals and guarantees of your product. I long for the days when the Good Humor man would come to your door and come into your home and demonstrate the strange erection side effect that driving the delivery truck seemed to give him. What a nice young man the Good Humor man was. Not like now, you cold impersonal pencil pushers. I bet you would never get naked in someone's house if they asked you to. What a friendly company you were, and now you stand on the brink of destroying the entire universe as we know it and you just don't care, you fully clothed bastards!

But I digress...If prompt action isn't taken to rectify these misdeeds, I shall see that nuclear holocaust destroys all human life onthis planet. Maybe the cockroaches will do a better job than we have...

Yours forever with sincere love,
Wilford Brimley
*copyrights and pat. pending

PS. Please notify the Breyers Ice Cream Company that I recently purchased a gallon of ice cream wwhich contained a possessed, severed human head which began cursing me and gnawing my limbs from my body. I would just like you to know I was very displeased with this...although it did produce that interesting erection side effect.

[robotland]

You have reached the highly coveted position of Having Completely Lost Your Mind Some Time Ago. I'm not sure what reward would be appropriate, but I'm sure that you deserve SOMETHING. *saluting* Bravo!

[EvilDustBooger]

Good Humor is always appreciated.

I was wondering where that bony exoskeleton came from...
...and my irrepressable desire to sodomize colliding cats.