Suicidal Tendencies

[MyDearFriend]

Oh gosh (((MaryAnimal)))

[Elliot]

.
Hey Mary Ann!

Good thing that you speak up during tough times. That’s what we all need to do once in a while.

Try to think of your mother as someone to celebrate forever – not only while her body is still here. She will always “be there” in your soul. Fond memories cannot die.

You are actually very fortunate. My mother died in November, and it was just a statistic and some paperwork to me. She was horribly egoistic – a self-centered “star of stage and screen” with no concern for anyone else. And manipulative – she used her acting skills every waking moment all her life to draw attention and advantage to herself.

So you are in great shape, Mary Ann! You will always have a “real Mom” with you, one way or the other, for many many years to come!

[burner von braun]

(((maryanimal)))

[AntiM]

Hugs and love for you, Maryanimal.... I miss my mom, it is so hard. But she would be sad if I tried to follow her, she gave me this life to live fully. I hope you can hold onto your love of your mom, and celebrate her life and memory.

[Elorrum]

Well said, AntiM. I'm pretty sure any mother would not like this plan. I miss my mother everyday, and some of the awful memories of the end visit when least expected. Deep depressions pass. In the moment they feel permanent, and the pain is very real. You wonder how you can tolerate such pain. But it is not permanent. Saying this here is a good step, the next step will be to speak it to a flesh and blood person, I'd suggest a person trained in helping with this kind of information. Think of taco Tuesday, put yourself in a good moment, reach for a little perspective, and know the pain will lessen, this can help. We love you.

[tatonka]

hugs to ya Mary your Mom would want ya to see your friends again this year . Its only natural the feelings ya got ,but your spirit will get ya thru .

[tatonka]

tribute to moms , mine passed away at 63 with alzheimers

[media]

[maryanimal]

I would like to thank everyone for your kind words and support. It's hard to grasp my mommy's declining health. She's amazed her doctors for years with how healthy she's been, even up to recently. They're doing blood work on her to see if she has a bleeding ulcer from aspirin or the internal leak as her red cell count was down to 7. I've always prayed for her and now I say extra prayers. If it is an internal leak, we've decided to let nature take it's course as any other kind of intervention will cause her so much pain, and we don't want her to suffer. one day, she'll fall asleep and start her journey to heaven to be met with open arms by her Lord and Savior, my grampa, gramma, and all her sisters and brothers. It will be painless and peaceful. my heart aches for my mommy. If I could change things I would, but she wouldn't want that. I love you all so much.

[tatonka]

[tatonka]

[media]

[Box Burner]

(((((((((((MaryAnimal)))))))))))

[KinestheticThought]

With the removal of the Bah-Humbug thread, it has been requested/suggested that I repost some of the content to this thread so that it may be of benefit to someone in the future.

Since the Bah-Humbug thread was to be removed, people had an expectation of a certain anonymity, so no names are used in any of the quotes. Some have also been shortened/edited for the sake of clarity and allowing everyone to remain anonymous. I hope you all can appreciate why this was done.

Thank you.

I should have posted to the suicidal tendencies thread long ago.

I've been feeling this way for so long...I've been doing stuff to get through each day, but it's been over a year of daily crying spells and aother psychiatric symtoms that shouldn't be ignored.

I've actually had a detailed suicide plan for some time now, spent months aquiring means...but each time I started to actually act on the impulse/thoughts, I thought of my family and others I care about and talked myself into waiting a few more days, another week....etc. I've been doing that for months.

That's why I was so happy about the holidays in the first place...I wanted it to be perfect so then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty leaving my family (total bullshit, I know, I call my own bullshit on this one! ...but still, it's how I felt. It was to be my last and best Thansksgiving, then Christmas...and now I'm still alive and have nothing on my immediate horizon to latch to in this manner, thus it is time to finally succumb to hospitalization.

One question you can ask yourself when you feel resistant to help is, "How good is my way working?"

That's excellent...thank you for putting that into those words, that really does help!

Right now my way is NOT working...so either I need to change my way (ie try something else myself) or ask someone else for a suggestion of a different way (ie professional/other help)...

Find one thing, anything, that is worth doing/experiencing. From as simple as watching a tree outside your window, listening to a bird or to a song on the radio you haven't heard in a while. Then watch for the next thing. You never know what it will be.

Thanks! That really helped. I was even able to apply that to pain management, just finding one part of my body (a small section of ONE finger) that didn't hurt...then focusing on that, on what that felt like, then did a meditation to see if I could make the feeling expand to other parts of my body. By the end of the meditation, I was able to find other parts of my body that also didn't hurt, and reduced my sensitivity to the parts that did hurt.

Staring into the abyss can be NASTY. One doen'rt care a whit for advice and you do self-destructive and impulsive things. It's brought more than one of us down to suicidal impulses that have been unfortunately fulfilled. Add snark sometimes and it's like a kick off the edge. And then the downhill ride accelerates and you crash to the bottom like Wile E. Coyote hitting the bottom of the canyon, going splat and then getting up looking like a broken accordion.

Thanks. I thought it was only me that felt that way, and that it was because I've been so "broken." I know that I have been taking things personally, been way overly sensitive, etc....which makes it hard for me to tell when someone really is being rude vs me just being crazy. This has lead to me always blaming myself, no matter the context, leading to pain and isolation, etc...

...sometimes snark can hurt, sometimes it's funny-it's all in the perspective of the person receiving it (how they think the other person meant it). -you never know when snark is going to be received as funny or be the last straw for someone. I'm not saying that because I am currenty taking things that personally, but because I have felt the pain of being so alone, so on the edge of dispaire when any little thing could mean the difference between getting help or dying...just think before you post snark; and if you take something as snarky/hurtful, then try to take a step back and breathe, know that even if that person doesn't like you-which in most cases they probably do and are just joking with you-.but even if they dont, fiine, there ARE eplayians, family, and other people who DO love/appreciate me/"you" , and I need to focus on that, what they see in me, what I see positive in myself, and not get soo caught up in trying to make sure other people like me (protective against being abused...).

Also I think that eplayians are generally caring people-IF/when I am clear enough in saying "I need help" instead of dancing around the bush and saying everything but those three words and expecting people to get it. *sigh*

Whenever I felt it was time to make that "Final Choice", I always thought "something exciting might happen tomorrow and I would miss it".

Do that long enough and thoughts and feelings change.

Thanks!!! That's excellent! I love it!

I had been doing something similar by finding _x_ to look forward to...but I forgot to look forward to the unknown, to the possibilities, to magic...to life. I'd become so fearful...of everything. Of leaving the house, of talking, of being misunderstood, of how much pain i MIGHT have tomorrow/next year/etc...negative thinking leads to negative outcomes. Positive thinking leads toward positive things. Wonderous/imaginative/creative thinking leads to including magic/happistances into everyday. You get the picture.
...and yes, you can pick and choose, combine, get stuck in ruts, unstuck from ruts, etc. It's a jumble. Sometimes you pick, sometimes you pick what to do with the hand you're dealt...

Feeling better, glad to be alive. Thank you all for helping with that.

It took a lot to get here (dedication to trying/retrying DBT skills, having support from friends/family/eplayians, seeing my psychiatrist, changing meds, keeping up to date with therapy, and much much more...). It is not one thing that got me "out of the woods," but I would like to point out that sometimes all it takes is trying one more thing-because even if that one extra thing isn't THE thing, it combines with everything else you already tried and might just be enough to make life worth it again.

Thanks to everyone who helped me get here.

Gaining some resilliance myself and wanted to share something with everyone:

[maryanimal]

I'm in a very dark place. Thoughts of leaving have moved into my head, and they are loud. It's not SAD, it's me. I put myself in a position with bad decisions where I may lose my apartment. I maybe sleeping in my car, me and my kittys. Someone said to get rid of my cats and I won't do that. At this moment they're the only thing keeping me alive.

I came to terms with ending my life and I'm ok with it, and I'm almost looking forward to it. This bipolar thing I live with isn't easy. I've had to say goodbye to a few friends because they don't understand what it's like to be this way. They're choosing not to educate themselves.

I need to rest now, I'm spent.

[theCryptofishist]

That is a dark place, indeed.
Am I allowed to ask who will take care of your kitties if you go?
We all make mistakes. Even stupid ones. Even when we should know better. Even when we don't have bi-polar driving it. Be gentle with yourself.

[lucky420]

(((Mary)))

Everything fishy said. It is to damn cold to sleep in your car. Are there shelters where you live? Is there a center for independent living in Spokane? They my be able to help find you find resources. Is there anything you can sell that you can do without right now?

I know there's a lot of people who love you and would be very sad if you were to leave. Reach out to those that are close to where you live. You may be surprised by the amount they can help you with.

I wouldn't get rid of my furiends either. Tell those thoughts in your head to fuck off.

Love you

[burner von braun]

I'm sad to hear that you're having such a tough time Maryanimal. As I recall, you were instrumental in starting this thread, and I have no doubt that it has helped a lot of people over the years. More than you'll know. I hope you will take some time to read back through a few pages of this thread and be reminded and encouraged by all of the great insight you helped initiate. I am so proud of those folks who have the bravery to reach out and seek help on a difficult problem like this, both by posting here, and when things seem really bad, calling for professional counselling. We are here and we care about you Mary.

[maryanimal]

(((fishyfriend))), you can ask me anything. I'll find homes for my cats. I can give my oldest back to my ex. But the other two need to stay together.

(((Lucky))), I'm going to do some searching for resources over the next few days. I'll see what happens in the next couple of weeks. I have all my paperwork in order.

I'm going to take a nap. At least for a short time I won't have to think about anything.

I love you both.

[maryanimal]

(((burner von braun)))

[Tin Halo]

At this moment they're the only thing keeping me alive.

I know this feeling all too well.

[msj2u]

maryanimal,

You are a wonderful sweet friend to Me and the first one I actually met from eplaya. I cherish the time we have spent over the last 2 years at the burn. I know very well how you are feeling. Read these notes of friendship and words of encouragement. You are in My thoughts and prayers today and always.

Huggs My friend,
MSJ

[Elliot]

...
We all make mistakes. Even stupid ones. Even when we should know better. Even when we don't have bi-polar driving it. Be gentle with yourself.

Listen to Fishy, Mary. Her wisdom knows few bounds.

Maybe this is a good time to bring everybody current on my own progress, since I "took a quantum leap" this year, and this is a shining example of Success.

I had been "measuring the rope" on and off for decades.
Then on the 16th of June this year I checked into a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed as long as they let me, 16 days. The diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent severe, without psychosis. The inpatient stay concentrated on the genetic component of the disease, treated with medications. They did a number of tests, identifying my body's needs right down to a shortage of vitamin D.

This was immediately followed by two weeks of intensive therapy at the same hospital, five 1-hour sessions a day, while staying in a nearby motel. This dealt with the "learned" or "environmental" component. The main tool here is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- also known as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, as developed by Dr. Albert Ellis in the 1950s. Mainstream treatment now, and Very Good Stuff. In a nut-shell, I learned to think rationally, which I was not doing before.

The result is that I now dare consider myself cured of MDD. The meds have some annoying side effects, but we expect to taper some of those off as my mind gains thinking-skills.

And Medicare paid for it all without comment.

[ygmir]

...
We all make mistakes. Even stupid ones. Even when we should know better. Even when we don't have bi-polar driving it. Be gentle with yourself.

Listen to Fishy, Mary. Her wisdom knows few bounds.

Maybe this is a good time to bring everybody current on my own progress, since I "took a quantum leap" this year, and this is a shining example of Success.

I had been "measuring the rope" on and off for decades.
Then on the 16th of June this year I checked into a psychiatric hospital, where I stayed as long as they let me, 16 days. The diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent severe, without psychosis. The inpatient stay concentrated on the genetic component of the disease, treated with medications. They did a number of tests, identifying my body's needs right down to a shortage of vitamin D.

This was immediately followed by two weeks of intensive therapy at the same hospital, five 1-hour sessions a day, while staying in a nearby motel. This dealt with the "learned" or "environmental" component. The main tool here is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- also known as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, as developed by Dr. Albert Ellis in the 1950s. Mainstream treatment now, and Very Good Stuff. In a nut-shell, I learned to think rationally, which I was not doing before.

The result is that I now dare consider myself cured of MDD. The meds have some annoying side effects, but we expect to taper some of those off as my mind gains thinking-skills.

And Medicare paid for it all without comment.

This should be a sticky at the top of the thread. Good work Elliot! And great advice. If others can or will follow your lead, it sure seems worth trying.

[Sham]

Welcome to the most depressing time of the year. It's the reflective time when everything starts to bubble to the surface.
Fear not my friends, Christmas and the holidays will all be behind us in a month. A new year and a bright outlook.

[tatonka]

[media]

[MyDearFriend]

Oh, my dear (((MA))). I know that bone-weariness that just can't face one more huge problem.

But I also know that you, like me, are a caring person who cares for a living. What would you prescribe, if you could stand beside yourself for a minute?

I generally give myself a time-out: sleep, read, go look at something beautiful.

Put the problems on hold and just nurture yourself. Put yourself first. And see if you can't take Elliot's advice.

[theCryptofishist]

(((fishyfriend))), you can ask me anything. I'll find homes for my cats. I can give my oldest back to my ex. But the other two need to stay together.

*ahem!* I think they need you, too.

[Tin Halo]

*ahem!* I think they need you, too.

Yes.

[maryanimal]

I need their furry butts too fishy. They're too cute and no one will love the spoiled brats the way I do.



MDF, If I could stand next to myself, I'd hug myself long and tightly, and tell myself I love you and that I'm a good person and things will be ok, then call Domino's and just listen.

[Elliot]

... tell myself I love you and that I'm a good person and things will be ok...

That's straight out of my therapy in July. You write that on a piece of paper and stick it on your mirror. But you can work up to it gradually. They told us to write just "Hi!" on the note the first day, or several days. Next write "May I love and accept myself exactly as I am." And so on, selecting your own statements. They call it mirror therapy.

I still have the "Hi!" where I look straight at it several times a day.

Now.... I will be mostly offline until December 9. Going on a road trip with my brother.

[Aurelia]

Good Morning Dear All !

The Burning Man Artumnal was an awesome spectacle of the living breathing Burner Lifeforce.

Now to proclaim normalcy Monday.

xoA.