Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 5:56 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:
gigglesnort wrote:Dear Assholes,

Is it just me, or do you notice that oftentimes after reading about any odd subject in a thread, the newest registered user has a name that coincides? Like just now, CBA talking about ones and zeros, and the name down there is "digitsrme." Not the first time I've noticed this, although I couldn't come up w another example right now to save my life. What is the meaning of this????

Wonderingly,
Golly Sakes.
Dear Golly Sakes,

These are not coincidences. Your computer has been unplugged from the Internet for months. You constructed an elaborate fantasy world where other people actually want to converse with you, while in reality those blank spots where you think you drifted off- your other personality has taken over and responded. Good catch. When you actually manage to find the other examples of this phenomenon, your head will explode like a watermelon on a stick of TNT.

Psycologically yours,
Golly Sakes

OH MY GAWD! i knew it.....

[booom! pop! squish. eewww.]

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:39 pm

Dear Rob how should I handle General Contractors who continually mislead me regarding the job schedule, and allow other subs to break my tools?

Bambi of Finland · Post by **Bambi of Finland** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 7:39 am

Dear Rob Tart and Evil Surly,
I'm having trouble staying focused, can you recommend a medication and or supplement for this problem? I'm partial to suppositories.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:16 am

Bambi of Finland wrote:Dear Rob Tart and Evil Surly,
I'm having trouble staying focused, can you recommend a medication and or supplement for this problem? I'm partial to suppositories.

(pardon my stepping on your turf Rob & Surly but I love my Bambi)

Bambi...try this http://easylink.playstream.com/brightpathplay/Yoga Sutras1.rm you don't have to place it anywhere south of the border on your bod to enjoy it too!

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:17 am

cowboyangel wrote:
Bambi of Finland wrote:Dear Rob Tart and Evil Surly,
I'm having trouble staying focused, can you recommend a medication and or supplement for this problem? I'm partial to suppositories.
(pardon my stepping on your turf Rob & Surly but I love my Bambi)

Bambi...try this
http://easylink.playstream.com/brightpathplay/Yoga Sutras1.rm you don't have to place it anywhere south of the border on your bod to enjoy it too!

sorry...weird php thingy

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:17 am

fuck just type the link in

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Fri Dec 24, 2004 10:45 am

Dear Evil and Surly,

I can't believe this thread was all the way at the end of the page! How could you have almost let it die? Don't you care about us? Don't you even THINK that we need this??

You really don't love us, do you? You're all just pretending.

Well, fine.

signed,
dissed.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Dec 27, 2004 7:41 am

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil and Surly,

I can't believe this thread was all the way at the end of the page! How could you have almost let it die? Don't you care about us? Don't you even THINK that we need this??

You really don't love us, do you? You're all just pretending.

Well, fine.

signed,
dissed.

Dear dissed:

This thread can never die. And we never cared about you. In fact, we didn't even pretend. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Am I shattering your illusion that everyone loves you and agrees with you because you are *cute*?

No matter how much you need this, it will only hasten your descent into disgusting, mindless psuedo-erotic drivel. You were all heading that way regardless.

Snidely,

SurlyTart

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:28 am

Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart

I have a friend who is into Midget Porn and I am worried about him. The last time I was with him it seemed to me that he kept steering the topic back to it time and time again. We were doing sake shooters in a bar, and he said, "Have you ever seen a midget with a woody do this?" while tilting his head back and sticking the glass down his throat. Then, while doing body shots out of the valley between a certain woman's breasts, I heard him murmer, "If only you were two feet shorter..." and she's only five feet tall. Later, on the dance floor, he was eyeing me in a suspicious way. Now, I'm six foot two, and he kept saying, "Two! I could make two! Each one would be three-foot-one!"

Should I be worried?

Tall Guy

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 8:43 pm

Dear Evil Rob,

What can I do about these cats that keep exploding whenever I masturbate?

-Too Many Neighborhood Mice

(Not to leave you out, Surly, but I hear Rob has some experience in these matters.)

Zulegoona · Post by **Zulegoona** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:08 pm

Sounds like a "handy" weapon to use against the the 4KoTA.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:45 pm

cowboyangel wrote:Dear Rob how should I handle General Contractors who continually mislead me regarding the job schedule, and allow other subs to break my tools?

Dear CBA,

Vote them into public office.

Politically yours,
Evil Rob

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:48 pm

Dear Rob,

Can I get a second opinion on my previous letter?

Thanks,

Dissed, (twice now)

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:48 pm

Bambi of Finland wrote:Dear Rob Tart and Evil Surly,
I'm having trouble staying focused, can you recommend a medication and or supplement for this problem? I'm partial to suppositories.

Dear Unfocused,

Yes. Anally introduced porcupines. Guaranteed to keep you focused, though on different things once inserted. At least all of your other issues will become trivial.

Anally yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:52 pm

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil and Surly,

I can't believe this thread was all the way at the end of the page! How could you have almost let it die? Don't you care about us? Don't you even THINK that we need this??

You really don't love us, do you? You're all just pretending.

Well, fine.

signed,
dissed.

Dear Dissed,

Of course we love you and care about you. You can see it in our eyes, can't you? We'll always be here for you baby. Here let us just slide onto your lap.

That will be $50 please. And remember, next time you touch it will be an extra $20 or the bouncer will kick you out.

Lapdancingly yours,
Evil Rob

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:55 pm

*resentfully paying*

thanks. I guess.

next time I at least expect some head.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:55 pm

samtzu wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart

I have a friend who is into Midget Porn and I am worried about him. The last time I was with him it seemed to me that he kept steering the topic back to it time and time again. We were doing sake shooters in a bar, and he said, "Have you ever seen a midget with a woody do this?" while tilting his head back and sticking the glass down his throat. Then, while doing body shots out of the valley between a certain woman's breasts, I heard him murmer, "If only you were two feet shorter..." and she's only five feet tall. Later, on the dance floor, he was eyeing me in a suspicious way. Now, I'm six foot two, and he kept saying, "Two! I could make two! Each one would be three-foot-one!"

Should I be worried?

Tall Guy

Dear Tall Guy,

It's always the friend, isn't it? Sure.
Please take your filthy, perverted fantascies to a sex columnist.
And say 20 Hail Marys.

Disgustingly yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 9:59 pm

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil Rob,

What can I do about these cats that keep exploding whenever I masturbate?

-Too Many Neighborhood Mice

(Not to leave you out, Surly, but I hear Rob has some experience in these matters.)

Dear TMNM,

If the cat is placed in your anus it should keep the explosion contained when you masturbate. If not, well- they give these things out called Darwin Awards to outstanding citizens. Kind of like a Nobel Prize type of thing for above par breeding genes. Try hard to get one. Please.

Explodingly yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:01 pm

GuinivereElise wrote:*resentfully paying*

thanks. I guess.

next time I at least expect some head.

Dear Headless,

You NEVER get booty in the VIP lounge, didn't your momma teach you this?

Strippingly yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:02 pm

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Rob,

Can I get a second opinion on my previous letter?

Thanks,

Dissed, (twice now)

Dear Twice Dissed,

Yes. We love you baby.

That will be $100.

Double billingly yours,
Evil Rob

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:07 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:If not, well- they give these things out called Darwin Awards to outstanding citizens. Kind of like a Nobel Prize type of thing for above par breeding genes. Try hard to get one. Please.

Hey! I've heard of those! I think my parents got some.

Late in life, that is.

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:56 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:
CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil Rob,

What can I do about these cats that keep exploding whenever I masturbate?

-Too Many Neighborhood Mice

(Not to leave you out, Surly, but I hear Rob has some experience in these matters.)
Dear TMNM,

If the cat is placed in your anus it should keep the explosion contained when you masturbate. If not, well- they give these things out called Darwin Awards to outstanding citizens. Kind of like a Nobel Prize type of thing for above par breeding genes. Try hard to get one. Please.

Explodingly yours,
Evil Rob

Oh, good. 'Cause I don't have any duct tape.

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Thu Dec 30, 2004 10:04 am

Dear Rob and Surly...

i am at my mother's.

it is remarkably similar to hell.

please help.

and remember that small children are in my care.

sufferingly,
demon-child

ps - i miss you.

Bambi of Finland · Post by **Bambi of Finland** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 9:54 am

Dear Unfocused,

Yes. Anally introduced porcupines. Guaranteed to keep you focused, though on different things once inserted. At least all of your other issues will become trivial.

Anally yours,
Evil Rob[/quote]

Bambi of Finland · Post by **Bambi of Finland** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:00 am

Evil Rob,
I think I used a very dull Porcupine, I did'nt feel a thing. He also seems to be lost, now what? All I need is PETA protest at my backdoor.
Holesomelyyours, Bambi

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:15 am

Dear Rob,

It's New Year's Eve. What concoction do you recommend that will wipe out memories of the prior year entirely, and allow me to wake up tomorrow a perfectly clean slate?

Signed, On the Precipice

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:20 am

Dear Surly,

Once the slate is clean, what do you recommend I start filling in the open space with, and do you prefer colored chalk, or white?

Signed, Ready to Burn

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:30 am

tisha2 wrote:Dear Rob and Surly...

i am at my mother's.

it is remarkably similar to hell.

please help.

and remember that small children are in my care.

sufferingly,
demon-child

ps - i miss you.

Dear demon-child,

Dante's Inferno is actually quite large and mostly undefined. It is entirely possible, and even quite probable, that you're actually in one of the levels of Hell and are simply unaware of it.

Ask yourself these questions:
1) Does your mother's new hairstyle resemble a pair of smoking horns, covered with the blood and entrails of decadent sinners?
2) Have the new additions to the house included a vast pit of boiling oil with the tortured screams of thousands of lost souls emanating from it?
3) Has she made fruitcake?

If the answer to any of the above questions is 'yes', then you are most probably in hell. At this point the best option is to swallow your pride, contact Ozzy Osbourne, and tell him you think his daughter has an awesome singing voice (flattery works well, regardless of how repulsive it is). Then ask to be summoned forth via your standard Black Mass.

You will end up in Hollywood. When you first get there, you won't understand anything that Ozzy is saying. That's OK, nobody has for the last decade. Simply pour whatever cleaning supplies you've salvaged from your mother's house into a frosty glass and give it to him. While he's looking for a chaser, exit the house.

Satanically yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:32 am

Bambi of Finland wrote:Evil Rob,
I think I used a very dull Porcupine, I did'nt feel a thing. He also seems to be lost, now what? All I need is PETA protest at my backdoor.
Holesomelyyours, Bambi

Dear Bambi,

Send PETA in to find the porcupine. While the porcupine may not hurt, I guarantee PETA is a pain in the ass.

Painfully yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:33 am

tonytohono wrote:Dear Rob,

It's New Year's Eve. What concoction do you recommend that will wipe out memories of the prior year entirely, and allow me to wake up tomorrow a perfectly clean slate?

Signed, On the Precipice

Dear OTP,

Liquid Drano and Naval Jelly. This will pretty much clean anything.

Liquidly,
Evil Rob