What IS Burning Man?

[lonestoner916]

I walked into the hostel in dowtown SF, scared out of my mind. It's not that I've never stayed in a hostel before, I have many times, it was the fact that I was really on my own now. I said bye to mom and dad, kissed my girl on the cheek one last time, and hopped in my best friends car for the longest five minute car ride of my life. A day later I was going down
historic route 66 with 5 people I really didn't know that well, totally
forgetting that I had received a scholarship ticket to Burning Man and much more concerned with the fact that I only had 600 dollars and a will to not go home for a long, long time. We finished 66 ten days later, and I was now stuck in L.A. in my new friend's dorm room with 300 dollars, a bag of food, and a skateboard. Can't dick around forever. I hopped on the Amtrak not knowing what I would possibly do in San Fran, but knowing that that's where I should probably be. It was.
>
Scared out of my mind and in serious need of a friend I started a friendly
conversation with the guy working the desk and soon found out he was going to be heading out to the Playa that very night. "You should come" he told me "Burning Man is happening now?!" I had no idea, completely forgot about it. "Dude, I got a scholarship ticket, I wish I could go..." I told him in a somewhat upset tone, most of it being a show. He was shocked I had a ticket and wasn't going, and I was fairly determined to sit in a hostel all alone and contemplate what the hell I was doing with my life.
"No" he told me flatly. "You are going to Burning Man." "Well, you know, I don't have a ride, or a way to get water, or anything, I'm just not prepared." "No" he said again. "I don't care if you hitchhike, you'll be fine, go." I was hesitant, and defiantly not prepared to risk my life to go to some stupid festival. "Hah!" I laughed in his face, "I don't think I could hitch all the way up to the Playa" "Just do it," he wasn't kidding around "just go, you will not regret this." I didn't know what to say anymore so I just laughed. I laughed at him again. Stupid. "I'm actually leaving now," he told me as he started to pack up his work area and as I started to walk to my room, "I'll see you on the Playa, XXXXXX." "Hah," again with the laugh, "maybe you will."

So upstairs I walked, backpack on my back, skateboard in my hand, and a big crazy jumbled mess of thoughts in my head. Burning Man was already in the back of my thoughts, I still wasn't even considering it. I was too much of a mess, and I figured the scholarship people of the burn would understand if they were me. I laid in bed with phone in hand and just started sending texts, text messages to everyone, somehow thinking companionship could come through some stupid piece of electronics (though truth be told I still have this problem occasionally). No companionship came. My girl never jumped out the tiny screen and crawled into bed with me. I was all alone. I thought about the knife in my pocket. I held it in my hand. The blade was cool to touch. I tested the sharpness... still razor sharp. It felt heavy in my hand, weighted perfectly. Maybe Mr Smith and Mr Wesson could be my friend. I turned off the phone got out of bed and walked to the bathroom feeling manic, blade in hand. Reach for knob. Turn knob. Open door. Step in. Close door. Lock door. Everything became slow. I sat on the toilet and took off my pants. I could still see the scars on my leg from the last two times. Twophrases, each comprised of 30 cuts, "SO IT GOES" and "TO GO HOME". Both reminders of the stupid idea that a blade can be my friend when life goes wrong or when I have nowhere to go. I held the cold blade to my leg and I could already feel the endorphins rushing through me.
I paused and stepped back from my body and my head and my situation and realized that I was supposed to be living my dream of living on the road, broke as shit and all alone. This is my fucking dream, this is what I set out to do, I wanted to be broke, and cold, and tired, and hungry, and lonely and scared. I wanted extreme and that was how I planned on getting it, you can't have true adventure with a safety net. You can't have true adventure when you have friends and lovers tying you down. I folded the knife up, took a piss, and crawled in bed.
>
> I turned the phone on to a text from her: "I love you." That's all it said.
> I asked her to show me, like she could somehow show me that 3000 miles away. No response. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. "I love you too bumblebee, sorry I'm insane" I typed. "It's okay."
I checked facebook, still relying on technology for comfort. Surprisingly it
was there. My brother posted a message encouraging me to keep moving, saying that one can't gain anything without giving something up. I smiled for the first time in far too long.
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> Right before bed, realizing that I had no clue what my next move was I decided to put an ad up on craigslist for a ride to Burning Man. I still wasn't going to go but I figured I would see what happened. Wednesday
morning I woke up to 3 texts and 2 missed calls. All ride offers. A number was calling again. To go or not to go. I answered and he didn't give me the chance to say no, because I actually tried to. Bruce really needed my help, and it turns out I needed his too.
>
> Suddenly I'm packed and navigating public transit like a pro, and before I know it I'm jumping in some guys car who was way older and a bit more creepy than I expected. I stopped and checked out the bike on the back, inspecting it. It was covered in fuzzy zebra strips and full of dust, I knew I was in good hands. Bruce started telling me about the shitty bike rack he had and how he would be shocked if it made it to the Playa. Half way across the Golden Gate, I hear him yell "XXXXXX!! Where's the bike?!?!" I looked out my side mirror and see a playa dust tire dragging across the bridge. We pulled into the park on the other side, inspected the damage, and after and hour ofwaiting around with a bike that got me more odd looks than I'm used to, he was back with a new rack and a full tank of gas. We were off and I was soondriving his car while he was fast asleep, he wanted to get to the Playa that
night to surprise his friends but was running on two hours of sleep. Bruce
was showing me some real kindness, and I didn't understand it at all. He got me a bike, he got me food, he got me water, he got me glasses. I get it now obviously. It's simply the way of the Playa.
>
> You want to know now, I suppose, how I got "involved" at Burning Man? My rambling is probably getting old. Well honestly enough, I didn't get involved. I was just me. I didn't camp with Bruce, I camped alone. I'm a loner at heart. I was me, but I was me to everyone. I made eye contact with everyone, something I get nasty looks for in the city. I striked up conversations left and right, something that usually gets me the cold shoulder. I told people my story, something I secretly love to do, and people told me theirs, which not so secretly I am insanely interested in. I danced the nights away. I brought my love which I bring everywhere. At Burning Man it was accepted, and it was reciprocated. I wasn't prepared for the playa so I didn't have a theme camp and I didn't have pancakes to pass out every morning, but I did have the heart to tell everyone who did that they were amazing and that I fucking loved them. It was true too. One person told me that the only reason they pass out free ice cream all day is for me, that guy who looks them in the eyes and tells them that they are amazing and truly means it. That's how I got involved. I told people about my beliefs about loving life no matter what, and maybe I touched someone with that. I made life long friends, a major turn around from camping alone in a tent I barely fit in. The love I felt, and I showed was so strong that after the burning of the man I was on ecstasy, which was funny because I haven't taken any in over a year.
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> Saying Burning Man "changed my life" might be taking it a tad far, everyone says it; but Burning Man showed me love for each other and mostly love for oneself, which I need right now more then ever. On my own. Sitting in a hostel. All alone. Contemplating what the hell I'm doing with my life. Phone turned off. Knife staying in my pocket. Bank account drained. And you know what? It was worth every single penny and every single grain of dust still plaguing my 30 pounds of earthly possessions.
>
> Thanks for the ticket guys, you're amazing too.

[Dr. Pyro]

FWIW, Laura and MotoStu enjoyed themselves as well.