your stupid joke here

[joel the ornery]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a doughnut eating Gestapo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said Hillary in '08.




























I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Elliot]

Q: If an Iraqi suicide bomber throws himself on the floor of a French restaurant,
by what name will he forever after be called in his heaven?

A: Linoleum Blownapart.

[Dr. Pyro]

A Chinaman and a Jew are sitting at a bar. Suddenly the Jew hauls off and punches the Chinaman in the face, sending him ass over heals off the bar stool. He gets up and asks, "What did you do that for?"

The Jew resonded, "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor."

The Chinaman thinks for a moment, and says, "Wait a second, the Chinese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor, the Japanese did."

The Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"

After a few minutes, the Chinaman hauls off and punches the Jew in the face, sending him flying off the bar stool. The Jew asks why did he do that. The Chinaman responds, "That's for sinking the Titanic."

The Jew answers back, "You moron, the Jews didn't sink the Titanic, an iceberg did."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

[joel the ornery]

The proud Irish Daddy.... | Today, 7:46am
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old man a hug."

[Zatoichi]

What has 9 arms and sucks really bad?




Def Leppard

[mdmf007]

Knock Knock -

Whos There?

"BOO"

BOO WHO?

DOnt cry its only a joke.

from my 6 year old. ( an oldie but a cheesy one)

later

[Rocket75377]

Forgive me for not reading through sixteen pages of this, but here's my [hopefully] original contribution:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. He orders a drink and the bartender says, "You know, pirate, you have a steering wheel stuck to your johnson."

"Aye," says the pirate, "it's driving me nuts."


That one never gets old.

[Ranger Genius]

Forgive me for not reading through sixteen pages of this, but here's my [hopefully] original contribution:

Sacrilege! You must read all background posts before posting in a thread! You're ruining my Medieval Experience! oops, wrong kind of nazi

This isn't a dig; you just reminded me of this:

[jpx]

ok here is one.

why do buddhists not vacuum around the edges?

because they are devoid of attachments.

narf narf...

[Ranger Genius]

That is a good one...like the buddhist who orders a hot dog from a street vendor:

"Make me one with everything."

He pays with a twenty and stands there expecting change. When none is produced, he says "What about my change?"

The vendor replies: "Change can only come from within, my son."

[jpx]

i have a pun that is worth sharing too... perhaps we need a pun thread. i did a pun thread on another messageboard about six months back. a bit self-serving. there was a pun competition at the library here in edmonton. i collected up the ten best puns and registered them all, hoping that at least one of them would win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[Elliot]

Awwwww.... Now I have to clean my puter screen again!

[BigCock]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use
handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. Some things even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought.

Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Later on, while having tea at Buckingham Palace, the President said to the
Queen: "Your Majesty, You've been a head of state for over fifty years now, what is the most important advice you can give me?"

The Queen replied: "the most important thing is to choose the most clever people to work for you."

"How do you mean?" asked George W.

The Queen rang a small bell that was on the table and told the servant who rushed in: "Please ask Toni Blair to come at once."

In fifteen minutes The PM was at door: "Your Majesty?"

The Queen asked: "Who is your parents' son but is not your brother?"

Without hesitating a second Blair answered: "But that would be me, Your Majesty."

"Very well, thank you" said the queen and dismissed him.

The President was very impressed. Upon returning to the White House he immediately summoned the Vice President and asked him: "Who is your parent's son but is not your brother?"

"I shall make inquires and report back to you, Mr. President", answered Dick Cheney.

Cheney sent urgent messages to the heads of the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the Secret Service, the Pentagon, the State Department, even the Library of Congress, but none could come with an answer.

Then Dick Cheney bumped into Collin Powell, who happened to visit the White House for some meeting, and asked him:

"Collin, you're the only guy with some brains around here, answer me this: Who is your parents' son but is not your brother?

"But that would be me", answered Powell at once.

The Vice President rushed into the Oval Office: "Mr President, after a thorough research I finally have the answer to your question, who is my parents' son but is not my brother: It's Collin Powell!"

"No, you idiot", yelled the President, "It's Tony Blair!"

[can't sit still]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE :

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations


Then I became confused about the word " service " This was not what I thought the word meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" some of his cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective.

Suddenly I understand what all those agencies are all about!

[Captain Goddammit]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of dogshit...
One cuts a fart.
The other says "Hey, do you MIND? I'm eating!"

[can't sit still]

>> THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>>
>> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
>> husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
>> telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
>> suggestion.
>> "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
>> paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
>> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
>> front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
>> "How long will this take?" I asked.
>> "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
>> I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
>> my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
>> Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
>> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
>> again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
>> straw.



>> Stupid, stupid man.

[can't sit still]

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Dick Cheney and Karl Rove before I die." whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Cheney and Rove would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Rove commented to Cheney "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Cheney's hand in his right hand and Rove's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Cheney spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Cheney.

"Amen" said Rove.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[can't sit still]

Anniversary

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds,

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife
woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough,there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors. --

[can't sit still]

> John, the Wellton farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had
> several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or
ten
> roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept
records
> and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was
> replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of
tiny
> bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different
tone
> so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he
> could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
> listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch,
and
> a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John
> noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to
investigate.
>
> The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets,
> hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer
John's
> amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd
> sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was
> so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch
> became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
> The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they
also
> awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a
politician
> in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win
two
> of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
> sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying
> attention?

[MozyBonz]

“We were eating in this open-air café when it started raining. It took us an hour and a half to finish our soupâ€

[Star Studded Riot]

So there were two guys lost in the desert. Low on water, out of food, they were scanning the horizon for an oasis. Suddenly, they see the most beautiful bacon tree. Hot, sizzling, fresh from the griddle, the most perfect bacon you could ever hope to eat. First guy says, "Man, we gotta go get that bacon!" Second guy: "No, no, it's just a mirage; I'm not eating [i]another[/i] cactus; I'm staying here." The first guy goes running off.

The second guy is waiting, waiting, suddenly the first guy comes crawling back through the sand. Black eye, bloody nose, all beat up. He asks him, "What happened? What was the bacon tree?" The other man gasps, "It wasn't a bacon tree. It was a hambush!"

[can't sit still]

Sorta the right thread;

Hottest selling 2007 bumper stickers!

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock - Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Jail to the Chief
14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
16. Bad President! No Banana.
17. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
18. We're making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
19. Is It Vietnam Yet?
20. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
21. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We in This Hand basket?
22. You elected him. You Deserve Him.
24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
26. One Nation under Clod
27. At Least Nixon had the decency to Resign

[Lakshmi]

My dad shared this one with me.

There's this guy. He's just getting off work and has had a long week, a long day, and is just dog tired. Since he really wants to get home he speeds a bit on the drive back. Unfortunately a cop pulls him over and once he is standing at the guy's window he says, "You were going 10 mph over the speed limit sir, but you know, I'm at the end of my shift and I think I'll let this one slide if you can give me the best excuse I've ever heard for your speeding."

The guy sits and thinks for a minute and finally says, "Well officer. My wife left me a couple of years ago. She ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

^.^

[can't sit still]

IRS Auditor


The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a
synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect the crumbs, we
send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they
send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them
to the Internal Revenue Service."
"Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service.
And about once a year, they send us a little dick like you"

[Bin Noddin]

a little dick like you

I believe the proper Jewish word is "putz".

[Box Burner]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

[Lassen Forge]

I have a really good knock knock joke I heard at work the other day.

You start.

[pinemom]

knock knock...

[Lassen Forge]

Who's there?

[can't sit still]

Subject: Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"