.....New California Driver's Test.....

[Rabbi Dali Rick]

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in
California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for
those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new Exam. Since
driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may
not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles
has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for
the California area.

2004 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________

Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________

Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ]
Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
_______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)


Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]
Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car
on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:
____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Zoloft
[ ] g) All of the above
[ ] h) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it
means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.


The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this
test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or
move.

[Force]

I've heard whisperings that the national bar association is developing a minority driver safety suit- that it looks like a really thick scuba suit with a layer of kevlar so you can drive like a moron, get thwacked by cops when they pull you over and beat your silly ass and sue without getting seriously injured.

re; rain- I had a real eye-rolling moment when I was driving home one time and traffic was heavy, and passing through intermittent rain- it of course screwed up traffic initially (the shock of seeing water falling from the sky caused some to react to this bizarre happenstance by just hitting their brakes- I guess because they lacked any other obvious commonsense response,) until people got used to it.

I could see because of rolling hills that there was a much slower jam coming up, but couldn't discern the cause; i.e., a breakdown, an accident, etc.

When I got up to the point where the slowness began, I found out what it was; it had STOPPED raining.

All this just further reinforces my observation that there's a whole lot of people out there whose brains generate juuuust enough electricity to keeep their lungs breathing and their heart pumping and putting any additional demands for computation or reasoning on them results in the wierd error message behavior that we see examples of every day.