10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

All things outside of Burning Man.
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Isotopia
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10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Isotopia » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:29 pm

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.Just had to pop in here one last time. Found this on the web site Hard Dawn

At the end of every summer, a secret cult gathers in an obscure corner of the Nevada desert. They’re young, they’re old, they’re from nations across the world. They say they’re celebrating artistic creativity and old-fashioned self-reliance. Maybe they’re even planting a seed that could change our culture forever… Yet what really happens behind those 6-foot high gates and armies of security guards? Does this scene pose a clear and present danger to America’s youths? Why does this celebration of sodomy and socialism look so much like the worst of End Times Bible prophecy?

1. “Creativity” is a Codeword for Sex
We often think of “artists” as sleazy manipulators and nowhere is this more true than at Burning Man, where so-called painters, photographers, sculptors and poets prowl for fresh young flesh to use in their degenerate projects that no one in the real world would ever notice.

2. “Environmentalism” Means Composting Your Own Shit By Hand
Sorry for the coarse language, but these people are foul!

3. Fires Attract Slutty Women
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn.

4. The Only Thing Communal is the Pubic Lice Population
Does this really need any further explanation?

5. I’ll Pass on the Free Massage, Thanks
Where else can you find tender young men freely giving themselves over to hot oils and the curious, calloused hands of a guy who looks like Jeff Lebowski?

6. If Cyclists Ruled the World We’d All Be Screwed
People who worship their shiny bicycles more than human contact are a cause of great concern in our society. Yet at Burning Man, these freakish, militant outcasts are given free reign to explore the fantasy of a public transportation infrastructure based solely on sweaty hippies. Is it any wonder the whole thing collapses after only one week?

7. “Radical Self Reliance” = Getting Stoned for 168 Hours Straight
Rich white kids alone in nature with no school, work or parents? What do you expect!

8. The “Temple” Offers Bargain-Bin Spirituality for Those Too Cheap to Attend Church
Why invest time and effort into your eternal soul when some shirtless accountant from Duluth can sum up human existence in just five hours of bong hits and hacky sack while feeling up your girlfriend’s leg?

9. Sodomy
“Exploring My Sensual Side” means getting pounded in a Port o’ Potty by some gamer geek dressed up as Avatar. With the door open. And a 30-minute line.

10. The Burning of Burning Man Represents the American Phallus
By promoting environmentalism, artistic creativity and wanton female sexuality, Burning Man is attempting to castrate masculinity from American culture. The giant flaming effigy that closes the event symbolizes a new internal fire ignited within each and every person. Indeed, most will come to understand that this fiery sensation is actually the clap, one of the most memorable secrets that attendees take home with them from the Burning Man experience.

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Badger
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Badger » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:31 pm

Sounds about right to me.
Desert dogs drink deep.

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Laughing Forest
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Laughing Forest » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:32 pm

Yep.

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Quaneshia Honeycooch
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Quaneshia Honeycooch » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:35 pm

Nailed it.

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Elorrum
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elorrum » Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:06 pm

oh, thanks to the 4 of you. I like it when a story ends with a neat explanation.
"Ask again later." - Magic 8-Ball

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burner von braun
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by burner von braun » Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:33 pm

Yep, a bit of a puzzle in my mind.. with a classy finish. Thank you Iso..

Hopefully you'll return again someday when it all seems fresh again.

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by tamarakay » Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:41 pm

Ok, who else spit coffee all over their screen when you saw badgers post?
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by unjonharley » Tue Feb 11, 2014 6:59 pm

Yep

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fernley1
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by fernley1 » Tue Feb 11, 2014 7:29 pm

Damn, I missed a lot of stuff my first year. Cant wait till next year to do it right.

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sadie
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by sadie » Tue Feb 11, 2014 7:42 pm

Sign me up!
If I've told you once, I've told you ten thousand times..jazz hands goddammit....JAZZ HANDS!!!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by MyDearFriend » Tue Feb 11, 2014 7:43 pm

I have never had the clap either, Fern. :? I guess we've been doing it wrong. 8)

*bows in the direction of the great ones*

8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by BBadger » Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:41 pm

Dammit! We're trying to keep the population down!
"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by FIGJAM » Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:16 pm

Don't go to Burning Man!!!

IT WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by name redacted » Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:03 pm

Sign me up
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Ugly Dougly » Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:59 am

Burning Man is now a parody of itself.

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Sunbeam56 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 11:32 am

. "Fires Attract Slutty Women
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn"

Wow! That's a hard billing to live up to... I'm gonna have to try harder. :)
Let GOOD win!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by FlyingMonkey » Wed Feb 12, 2014 2:18 pm

Note to self.....BRING MORE FIRE!
In your wildest dreams you can not imagine the marvelous SURPRISES that await YOU.

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:56 pm

.
Note to self: Collect camel dung for authentic desert bread-baking fires.
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Sunbeam56 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:49 pm

Elliott - will you build a fire for me?
Let GOOD win!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:52 pm

Sunbeam56 wrote:Elliott - will you build a fire for me?
Will you bring camels? :mrgreen:
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by FIGJAM » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:56 pm

"Flick your Bic to get a lick!"
"Don't buy ur Burn...........Build ur Burn!"

"If I can't find an answer, I'll create one!!!"

Fuck Im Good Just Ask Me

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by VultureChow » Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:16 pm

Sic Semper Spectatores

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Sunbeam56 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:20 pm

Elliott - at least a camel toe :)
Let GOOD win!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:50 pm

Sunbeam56 wrote:Elliott - at least a camel toe :)
:lol:
Here we go again... with the "toes". I keep tellin' ya, my brother actually owns two camels! In his zoo.

I have not yet completely embraced fire art, and certainly not burn barrels. I see a city of wall-to-wall tents, and I think....

But I suppose some form of cooking could be done, even my me. I'm a big fan of good bread, and I did read about the dung-fueled caravan bread in Michener's novel. Alas, my brother's zoo is in Norway.

Many possibilities.
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Sunbeam56 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:58 pm

Not enough dung in Norway. Propane?
Let GOOD win!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:04 pm

I'm told people do cook with propane.
How's this for thread drift?
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Sunbeam56 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:10 pm

There's not much in common between camel toes and propane. But warmth?
Let GOOD win!

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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:14 pm

Ray! Help! You need to take charge of your thread! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by FIGJAM » Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:31 pm

CAMELS WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!!!! :shock:
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Re: 10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

Post by Elliot » Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:38 pm

That's the 11th secret, Figjam.
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