10 Terrible Secrets Behind The Burning Man Festival

[Isotopia]

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.Just had to pop in here one last time. Found this on the web site Hard Dawn

At the end of every summer, a secret cult gathers in an obscure corner of the Nevada desert. They’re young, they’re old, they’re from nations across the world. They say they’re celebrating artistic creativity and old-fashioned self-reliance. Maybe they’re even planting a seed that could change our culture forever… Yet what really happens behind those 6-foot high gates and armies of security guards? Does this scene pose a clear and present danger to America’s youths? Why does this celebration of sodomy and socialism look so much like the worst of End Times Bible prophecy?

1. “Creativity” is a Codeword for Sex
We often think of “artists” as sleazy manipulators and nowhere is this more true than at Burning Man, where so-called painters, photographers, sculptors and poets prowl for fresh young flesh to use in their degenerate projects that no one in the real world would ever notice.

2. “Environmentalism” Means Composting Your Own Shit By Hand
Sorry for the coarse language, but these people are foul!

3. Fires Attract Slutty Women
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn.

4. The Only Thing Communal is the Pubic Lice Population
Does this really need any further explanation?

5. I’ll Pass on the Free Massage, Thanks
Where else can you find tender young men freely giving themselves over to hot oils and the curious, calloused hands of a guy who looks like Jeff Lebowski?

6. If Cyclists Ruled the World We’d All Be Screwed
People who worship their shiny bicycles more than human contact are a cause of great concern in our society. Yet at Burning Man, these freakish, militant outcasts are given free reign to explore the fantasy of a public transportation infrastructure based solely on sweaty hippies. Is it any wonder the whole thing collapses after only one week?

7. “Radical Self Reliance” = Getting Stoned for 168 Hours Straight
Rich white kids alone in nature with no school, work or parents? What do you expect!

8. The “Temple” Offers Bargain-Bin Spirituality for Those Too Cheap to Attend Church
Why invest time and effort into your eternal soul when some shirtless accountant from Duluth can sum up human existence in just five hours of bong hits and hacky sack while feeling up your girlfriend’s leg?

9. Sodomy
“Exploring My Sensual Side” means getting pounded in a Port o’ Potty by some gamer geek dressed up as Avatar. With the door open. And a 30-minute line.

10. The Burning of Burning Man Represents the American Phallus
By promoting environmentalism, artistic creativity and wanton female sexuality, Burning Man is attempting to castrate masculinity from American culture. The giant flaming effigy that closes the event symbolizes a new internal fire ignited within each and every person. Indeed, most will come to understand that this fiery sensation is actually the clap, one of the most memorable secrets that attendees take home with them from the Burning Man experience.

[Badger]

Sounds about right to me.

[Laughing Forest]

Yep.

[Quaneshia Honeycooch]

Nailed it.

[Elorrum]

oh, thanks to the 4 of you. I like it when a story ends with a neat explanation.

[burner von braun]

Yep, a bit of a puzzle in my mind.. with a classy finish. Thank you Iso..

Hopefully you'll return again someday when it all seems fresh again.

[tamarakay]

Ok, who else spit coffee all over their screen when you saw badgers post?

[unjonharley]

Yep

[fernley1]

Damn, I missed a lot of stuff my first year. Cant wait till next year to do it right.

[sadie]

Sign me up!

[MyDearFriend]

I have never had the clap either, Fern. I guess we've been doing it wrong.

*bows in the direction of the great ones*

[BBadger]

Dammit! We're trying to keep the population down!

[FIGJAM]

Don't go to Burning Man!!!

IT WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[name redacted]

Sign me up

[Ugly Dougly]

Burning Man is now a parody of itself.

[Sunbeam56]

. "Fires Attract Slutty Women
A burning fire excites a woman’s natural irrationality. Hypnotized by the bright flashes of color, she will confuse her emotional neediness with lust. The licking flames and the mounting heat become a call to action in the feminine mind, a call that she will recklessly follow into the darkness and lick and mount with delirious intent until the early dawn"

Wow! That's a hard billing to live up to... I'm gonna have to try harder.

[FlyingMonkey]

Note to self.....BRING MORE FIRE!

[Elliot]

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Note to self: Collect camel dung for authentic desert bread-baking fires.

[Sunbeam56]

Elliott - will you build a fire for me?

[Elliot]

Elliott - will you build a fire for me?

Will you bring camels?

[FIGJAM]

"Flick your Bic to get a lick!"

[VultureChow]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyrophilia

[Sunbeam56]

Elliott - at least a camel toe

[Elliot]

Elliott - at least a camel toe

Here we go again... with the "toes". I keep tellin' ya, my brother actually owns two camels! In his zoo.

I have not yet completely embraced fire art, and certainly not burn barrels. I see a city of wall-to-wall tents, and I think....

But I suppose some form of cooking could be done, even my me. I'm a big fan of good bread, and I did read about the dung-fueled caravan bread in Michener's novel. Alas, my brother's zoo is in Norway.

Many possibilities.

[Sunbeam56]

Not enough dung in Norway. Propane?

[Elliot]

I'm told people do cook with propane.
How's this for thread drift?

[Sunbeam56]

There's not much in common between camel toes and propane. But warmth?

[Elliot]

Ray! Help! You need to take charge of your thread!

[FIGJAM]

CAMELS WILL EAT YOUR FACE OFF!!!!!!!!

[Elliot]

That's the 11th secret, Figjam.