Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

[DesertDragon0554]

I'm planning to go for the first time next year and my husband is not thrilled. Even if we won the lottery and never had to worry about money again, Burning Man would just NOT be his thing, not in the least. The fact of the matter is that we are pending divorce (maybe) and I finally decided to start doing things for myself and stop backing down evertime he complains about something (everything.) He thinks I must be going so I can do copious amounts of illegal drugs and have sex with strangers...because why else would anyone go to Burning Man? On the flip side, he's going to help me with my builds because he loves to fabricate. For the most part, my venture out to the playa next year has everything to do with a new outlook on life, with or without a supportive spouse. I don't want to be a co-dependant married to someone who second guesses my every move. I need to empower myself and be radically self reliant while finding out who *I* am...something I lost somewhere along the way.

So just curious...but does anyone else go have fun and leave the spouse at home?

[Canoe]

Fairly common.
Some spouses just have no interest in Burning Man.
Nothing to do with the status of the relationship.

There's a wide variety of experiences. Try Search. But use google instead of the search in eplaya.

[DesertDragon0554]

I did search, I wasn't having any luck. I know lots of people go without spouses, but I was really curious how many go without the spouse being happy about it.

[delle]

I know of people in here who go without their spouses and their marriages thrive. The only stories I've heard about people whose spouses were against it are from people who have divorced and moved on. I've heard Burning Man as being cited as "the main reason" on a couple of occasions, tho logically I suspect there were huge imbalances there all along.

I'd hope that this thread doesn't fill with failure stories, but instead focuses on how to grow personally in a direction that a loved one may not understand without that change creating a wedge between you. (because in the end, it's fine if he doesn't Adopt it, but it would be important that he at least understand)

There is an unfortunate amount of media that is skewed to support his fears. For so many of us here, that kind of media can be a real irritant. It's not our personal experience and it makes it very hard to explain our attraction to the event to those who have only that view to go on.

I've come to the conclusion that - for me at least - the rampant view of the media shows the SKIN of the event: Tattoo'd and Crazy and Feverishly Partying. What is under that skin is an entire city composed of people who are there for one reason: To interact in ways that enhance their growth and their joy. To be emotionally and intellectually tickled. To connect. To love and be loved, without judgement. SOME go about this in a way that makes them part of the skin. There's a whole other body of experience under there that is HUGE!

It's extremely difficult to effectively report on what goes on under that skin. Deep personal experience is not necessarily pretty, nor interesting as a media story. But it's the crux of the burn for many of us and is the element that changes us and the rest of our year for the better.

Change is inevitable. Hope. Joy. Strength. Faith. These are the things that replenish in me during a burn. I am a better person for it.

The media can keep its bling - I've got other things to experience.

[shroom]

I went in 2010 without the support of my husband. I went with a friend because I knew I had to go. It was a life changing experience and I also drove across the country for the first time ever. After 2010 my husband promised to go with me, but finances and me being back in college have prevented the trip. I will be going next year because in addition to me graduating from college next year I will also be single. I think I would be taking the trip again with a friend even if my relationship was still strong. We just have different interests, which is perfectly fine, and my husband did see how much I loved BM and wanted to go again, it's just not his thing.

If you can handle having different interests and can be apart without one or the other being jealous you will be fine. If not you probably need to question a lot about your relationship and not just a trip to burning man.

[theCryptofishist]

"... loves to fabricate..."

You know, there is a great love of "fabricating", of "making", of building. That's one of the attractions for many of us. People make yurts, ziggurats, domes, huge pieces of art that people can climb on, huge pieces of art to be burnt, greywater evaporators, and bucket coolers. There are probably people on this board who your husband would love to talk to about fabricating. Heck, the blacksmith even still pops into the bar now and then.
If you can persuade your husband that there are other things that people go to the burn to do, then that might help.
Of maybe he feels rejected or unable to keep up with your hordes of fantasy lovers, and it's not really about the burn at all. Have you taken other week long vacations from him? or he from you? Is there something that he would love to do that you don't like and so he forgoes it?

[DesertDragon0554]

I'd hope that this thread doesn't fill with failure stories, but instead focuses on how to grow personally in a direction that a loved one may not understand without that change creating a wedge between you. (because in the end, it's fine if he doesn't Adopt it, but it would be important that he at least understand)

This is exactly what I'm after. I want him to open his mind and understand. I have a friend who is drawn to BM fur the music and dancing. Another for the general party. I'm drawn for a lot if reasons, but photography is a huge one. I'm no pro, but photography is what makes me tick. Another huge draw is the chance to move away from codependency and toward individuality. I feel line I have lost so much of myself that it's time to find it again. I don't have self confidence anymore (Heck this forum alone terrifies me because I'm scared to say or ask the wrong thing) and I think this adventure is a huge part of me rebuilding who I am.

As for fabricating (I can't quote multiple people from mobile) I do agree that he might find kindred spirits here...by he really has to put away his prejudices and I don't imagine he will. In to of that, he's not internet saavy AT ALL.

[Sophi]

I just got back from my 5th burn without hubby. He's a fabricator too, as am I. He doesn't like me going, but he doesn't want to go...so.... I go.
It's all good. I do my best to make him feel non-threatened by telling him who I'm camping with and texting him multiple times a day.
Now that I am back, I am so happy! I missed him a lot, as I always do, and the time apart was good for us.
Feel free to email me about this! [email protected], I'm in NY.

[RedHeaven]

I attended Bman for 7 years without my husband. He's just not into the communal thing, on top of that he has asthma and breathing issues.
But we have been hearing about it from friends since we met in 1998, so he was prepared that I would attend someday when I found the right camp.
The only thing he was not thrilled about was the fact that BMan took away from us taking other vacations. He actually liked that I went because he felt a part of it without going. He's been watching the stream since 2008 when they started messing with that. He enjoys understanding burning man.

The thing he really doesnt like about it is that its not just a week, its approx. a month and a half. Add packing and prepping to decompressing and its a large chunk of the year, rightfully so. So he has to deal with all my stress and then my come down. Oy vey for him.
But he loved my adventures, we have always been very open with our connections and not completely tied down to each other physically, and had been through clingy relationships in the past and wanted nothing to do with that. BUT when it interferes with our times together financially and time off work etc, its not the best idea. So I stopped going. I might go back for one more last hurrah next year. We'll see.

BUT YOU? GO FOR IT!!! I think you will have a wonderful experience and get a lot of YOU time. Ride yourself out to the deep playa and enjoy a bike ride with yourself. Maybe bring a recorder or notepad and write to yourself, or take pics of yourself. Fuck calling them Selfies, call them Self Portraits and enjoy viewing yourself in your own light.

[gypsy68]

I am glad you took the step to join this forum.

I understand the fear that I might say the wrong thing, or having it taken the wrong way. That is why even though I have been on here since 2004, and almost daily since about 201, you don’t see many post from me. I have started at least a couple hundred of post over that time, and then turned around and deleted everything I wrote. (I almost always write everything out in word first, and then go over it a couple of dozen times, before I decide it sounds stupid, and then I end up deleting what I wrote)

So I commend you for taking that step to join eplaya. I am trying to do more of that this year. (This time I only went over it twice… not bad for me)

[theCryptofishist]

Another huge draw is the chance to move away from codependency and toward individuality. I feel line I have lost so much of myself that it's time to find it again.

Okay, that's possible problem. If the relationship is an entwined as this implies he might have a very negative reaction, no matter what the focus is.

[DesertDragon0554]

You can text from out there?

[theCryptofishist]

Yeah.

[delle]

Working the ice line last year I saw a bunch of people hovering around a pole, texting.

I suppose there are loads of Interpoles out there now

[delle]

I have been on here .... almost daily since about 201

Just how the fuck old are you anyway, Gypsy?

[DesertDragon0554]

My husband says he's ok with it, that he's only upset because he's worried about child care while I'm gone. I truly hope he gains some understanding. I would love for the first time ever to hear "have a great time" sincerely.

[DesertDragon0554]

Lol, Delle, I was laughing about that too. The original BM veteran

[gypsy68]

I am an old bitch... -

And yes, I did use word for that, and still missed it...

2010....

[delle]

Not a single one of us is perfect!

DD (may I call you DD?) Your kids will be fine. You deserve this!

That said, it might be interesting to delve into Fishy's question and suggest to him that he have his own getaway over the next year. It could go a long way to smooth your road.

[DesertDragon0554]

DD is fine, I didn't come up with a new name because I forget then can't log in, lol

[theCryptofishist]

I didn't look at your location until now.
Hell, you can do all sorts of baby steps for your husband. Decompression, events at the Morrison, builds--Reno is a hotbed of burn activity year round.

[DesertDragon0554]

He's not into events of any kind...not even events geared towards things he enjoys

[Captain Goddammit]

its not just a week, its approx. a month and a half.

That's the least amount of time I ever heard of any burner putting into it! I'd love to get everything done in 6 weeks... not possible...

[theCryptofishist]

its not just a week, its approx. a month and a half.

That's the least amount of time I ever heard of any burner putting into it! I'd love to get everything done in 6 weeks... not possible...

Captain,
Right after that she says:

Add packing and prepping to decompressing and its a large chunk of the year...

I don't think that the prep is 6 weeks, but that she's gone for six weeks. She may work with the prep and break down crews.

[mdmf007]

Anyone attend WITHOUT the support of their spouse?

15 years now, well 14 I guess. The first year I happened by it on accident while getting diesel in Gerlach with about 30 of my mates on an job. Gone every year since.

The wife hates the event, and every thing she sees in the media. Too her BMAN is a den of illicit, shady, bohemian anti-christ activities, from which there is no escape

[Tin Halo]

Too her BMAN is a den of illicit, shady, bohemian anti-christ activities, from which there is no escape

....aaaaannnnd her point...?

[Sic Pup]

Support? Happy? More like tolerate.

I think she secretly feels somewhat like Sham's spouse but she never expresses it. About as close as she'll get to supporting would be to pick me up a thing here or there to take with me. I don't go into any detail about my escapades (but would) and she doesn't ask me any questions. It's like an agree to disagree scenario.

That said, she's used to me being away from hone from a lengthy prior career that required traveling plus I used to travel all over following a band she didn't particular care for. We actually have very different interests and each give each other the freedom to indulge.

I told her long ago that I don't know if this is all there is but I'm living my life, I always ask if she'll accompany me (sincerely) and she always declines.

I've gone for 4 years, we''ve known each other for 35 years and been married for 34 next month.

[delle]

I've gone for 4 years, we''ve known each other for 35 years and been married for 34 next month.

I had you pegged for not much over 35.

I need your secrets.

[lucky420]

Not speaking for anyone but I think certain herbal remedies keep people young...

[ranger magnum]

I had a spouse that wouldn't go with me.

Emphasis on had.

Things were going downhill anyway.

Met a nice gal one year.

Now I have a spouse that does go with me.