What have done lately to amuse me?

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 11:56 am

[quote="sandwichman"}
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now
there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself
lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-
there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they
tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their
hysterical laughter....
.and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all.
[/quote]Well, Kudos for amusing the Jaded. That ought to apply to RtW as well.

birdbrain · Post by **birdbrain** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 1:39 pm

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:06 pm

Self amusement time.

Reading some old Savage Love columns the other day, and it made me wonder about what the hell kind of dating rituals fecalpheliacs have?

"I won't crap on your face on the first date, but if you're really nice- you can smell my finger."

"Oh Mabel, I didn't want to go all the way- but he just had the cutest shit-eating grin."

"Your perfume is beguiling. I must say you smell like shit, m'dear."

"Ohh, you ate corn just for me- how sweet."

I'm pretty sure I should stop going down this mental path, this could get really bad.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 8:57 pm

Self-amusements:

I'm in the downstairs lab, checking on some IEEE testing. The boss is down there and I find out that the person that ordered some attenuators was hand-holding some testing at UNH. I needed to find out where they were to do some PCI-E bus testing.

Boss hands hits Jim's speed dail number and hands me his cellphone. I saunter away to speak with Jim in a slightly quieter location, away from some thermal environment testing machines (they are pretty loud from using air streams).

Jim answers the phone. He is in an interior lab also, so the reception isn't all that good. But his cellphone must have announced that the number calling is the boss, as he answers "Hey Pete."

Knowling that he couldn't distinguish my voice due to the noise in the background- I tell he's fired due to the pornography found on his computer, and because of the gross violation of Intel policy, he will have to buy his own ticket back from New Hampshire. I hang up, walk back into the lab, hand the phone back to Pete, tell him that I just fired Jim, and leave.

Being evil is fun...

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:07 pm

I don't think I've ever done anything for you Rob, except for have a couple of brief exchanges with you. And they were interesting, which I can appreciate, if not down right kickin' ass like.

I will tell you this though. It sucks that you plan to never return to BM again... I mean, fuck that. What up with that? I finally show up and you give up going? What a bunch of BS that is.

I guess it's funner and more productive to sit around and stick cigars in your ass and take pictures.

Thanks for entertaining me online at least... guess that's better than nothing. =)

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:14 pm

Um, Tony? Chill, dude. Let's learn our way around a bit before making too many assumptions.

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:20 pm

And you distracted me from amusing Rob...

Ok, lessee here... Do I hafta wear underwear under my suit or can I be a 'free range' Santa? And about my 'north pole'... What happens if, oh nevermind.

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:24 pm

Sensei wrote:Um, Tony? Chill, dude. Let's learn our way around a bit before making too many assumptions.

I have a feeling he knows that I am entirely full of shit and just razzing him. So no, I think not on chill. I just feel kind of bad that he's not into it.

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:27 pm

Tony, Tony, Tony... Check the title of this thread! You can nag Rob, lord know I do, but you have to amuse Rob. Or at least try...

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:30 pm

tonytohono wrote:
Sensei wrote:Um, Tony? Chill, dude. Let's learn our way around a bit before making too many assumptions.
I have a feeling he knows that I am entirely full of shit and just razzing him. So no, I think not on chill. I just feel kind of bad that he's not into it.

S'all cool. I prodded him a couple times good-naturedly, he's just repaying the favor.

My first year was 97'. I went the last two in an attempt to try and 'become one' with what the event is now. Sadly enough, we are no longer on the same wavelength- so no more BM for me. I'll still be a part of the regionals and Decompressions and such. And I'm still a Caco, so I get weird enough on a regular basis.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:32 pm

Oh and please don't tell sam that I've been borrowing his cigars as props.

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:32 pm

See? I can put my foot in my mouth even with these fuckin' Santa boots on! Try that, Mr. Tony smartypants.

Ok, I'm going to break now. I need a cigarette.

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:40 pm

Maybe this will get a laugh...

My cat winks, although it is usually with both eyes, and usually quite often. And since we are on the subject of cats I will regale you with my all time favorite cat story.

His name was Knitter. I inherited Knitter from my ex-girlfriend after she dumped my ass like a hot potato.

Ha ha. Funny now, not so funny then.

Anyway, Knitter was a special kitty, and no Knitter did not eat Special Kitty. Knitter had had some strange stomach ailment as a kitten and had to receive several operations in order to survive. I liked to call him the bionic kitty because of the incredible amounts of money it was rumored to have cost for repairs. He also required special food. C Diet is what it was called. You probably know about this stuff. Low ash, good for his digestive tract.

Anyway, none of that really matters I guess, but I'm just giving you some background. What it amounted to was that I loved my cat and now I will tell you why.

The first time I met Knitter my new girlfriend warned me that he was mean. "Watch out," she said, "he bites." I nodded. "I mean it," she reiterated. So I was keeping an eye on him, yet I continued to pet him. All of a sudden I noticed his tail do this little twitchy thing and I yanked my hand back right as he snapped at me, and it was loud, so loud I knew it hurt his teeth. Anyway, she said, "See, I told you." "Yes," I said, "but he didn't get me."

Knitter never tried to bite me again--ever. And we became very close, especially when we moved in together, and he noticed me bringing the cases of C Diet home.

So that was Knitter's thing. Whenever someone new showed up he would snuggle up to their leg and make like a cute kitty, and lo and behold they always insisted on petting him. And when he got bored with their attentions he would bite them.

I cannot tell you how many times I warned people not to pet him. Few ever listened. And I cannot tell you how many times he drew blood on my visitors because of it. Sometimes I would put him in the other room just to avoid the inevitable, but other times I kind of enjoyed waiting for it to happen. What can I say? It made me happy, and some of the people I may have actually have enjoyed biting myself...

I will say this though, he was less likely to bite women, in particular the pretty ones. I swear, if he jumped in their lap they were safe. And as ironic as it may seem, he did this with the women I liked. He never did it with men though.

But in all other cases it always ended something like this:

"YOUR CAT BIT ME... I'M BLEEDING."

"I WARNED YOU." Pause. "Okay, let me get the band aids and the Neosporin!"

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:46 pm

Sensei wrote:See? I can put my foot in my mouth even with these fuckin' Santa boots on! Try that, Mr. Tony smartypants.

Ok, I'm going to break now. I need a cigarette.

Okay... just hope your smoking it the way Rob smokes his. Much safer that way.

Really though those things are bad for you.

Sensei · Post by **Sensei** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:16 pm

I like your cat, Tony. Say 'hi' to Pinky.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pinky.html

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:28 pm

Sensei wrote:I like your cat, Tony. Say 'hi' to Pinky.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pinky.html

Yeah that's funny all right !!! =)

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Fri Nov 19, 2004 1:41 am

the cell phone story is some funny shit!!

is a midnight posting spree amusing...???

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Fri Nov 19, 2004 8:31 am

we had a cat named Intifada. she was completely brain damaged, we think, from having her head bashed against a wall. intifada would face off against the big mean evil cats who tried to take over the flat and piss on my bed, the cats the size of goats that had broken legs and snaggle tooths. intifada was still a kitten.

omar always teased Intifada with her own tail, waving the tip of it in front of her face. she never failed to attack herself. i'm really not entirely sure she ever learned. but the damn cat could jump on a 4 foot high counter if there was food on it - or, should i say, jump high enough to pull all the contents down on her head.

there's nothing quite like waking up to scrabbling in the morning and seeing a little orange kitten squeezing through a jagged hole halfway up your bedroom door, then making a beeline to your bed. the weird part is that when she was dirty (either from the alleyways or from getting into the bathroom -eeeew) she understood me when i told her to go wash. usually she only understood (or chose to understand) arabic, but i'd tell her in english to go wash before coming into bed, and she'd do it.

very strange cat. i even have pictures of her studying arabic writing. but alas, i fear the big mean cats got her.

on another cat note, my friend Kan'an has lots of cats. he lives in the country. they're kind of ugly cats, these stocky strange things. you should watch them fight over the chicken feet and cow intestines he serves them. the intestines kind of stretch when they tug on them. all of these cats, fangs hanging out, swarmed like flies, tugging every which way on intestines.

hey, it may not be amusing, per se, but it sure is a mental picture.

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:04 pm

One morning Knitter was not feeling well. I think he had drew blood on the wrong person the night before, probably someone, well, God only knows. Anyway, he kept going into the bathroom and sitting in his cat box and nothing was happening. About the third time I realized that something was wrong and I picked him up and asked him if he was not feeling well. Knitter said, No, I am not feeling well. I am constipated from that new C Diet food you bought... it may say low ash, but it is not as low in ash as I need it to be and I can't get this stanky crap to come out.

I told Knitter I was sorry and that I would take him to the vet immediately. He said, Good, now put me down so I can go back in the bathroom and continue the effort. While Knitter trotted back to the box I got on the phone and called the vet, and then a cab.

A few minutes later the cab arrived and the cabbie said he wasn't giving me and my cat a ride. I wasn't sure if it was the cat, or if it was me he objected to, but either way I was quite upset. I told him he ought to move to a foreign country, or better yet, why don't you eat shit and bark at the moon. He told me I was 86ed from his cab company and I told him that I didn't give a shit, and then Knitter told me, Shut up, I have to take a shit.

So back in my apartment Knitter went back to his box while I tried to find someone with a car. I found someone, and while I waited for her to arrive I sat beside Knitter at his box and told him I was sorry, and that it wouldn't be long now. Knitter looked up and was about to speak when all of a sudden he collapsed. I gathered him up and looked into his eyes as he whispered, Fucking cabbie. And then he died.

I was pretty much devasted, because although I do not usually like cats, I loved Knitter and he was the last thing I had of someone I never thought I would ever lose. Boo hoo.

A few minutes later my friend arrived to find me crying like a baby. I called back the vet and told them I wouldn't be coming that my cat had died. They told me they would be happy to cremate him for $65.

I considered it and then I decided against it. Instead I wrapped Knittter in his favorite plush towell, went up to the storage room and got a shovel and told my friend we needed to go for a drive.

We went out near the cliff house right above the ruins for the old bath houses. As far as I knew Knitter had never been there, but I told him it was a great place to die, and his spirit told me I sounded like that indian in that movie I made him watch so many times. Chief George in Little Big Man? I asked. And Knitter said, Whatever, I just wanted him to die. I would have bit that prick if I'd had the opportunity. The movie was too fucking long.

So I took him up on the bluffs overlooking the entrance to the bay, and he tried telling me there was a beach right around the corner that a bunch of freaks burned some 8 foot man on a couple of years before. I had no idea what he was talking about, but since he was dead I wasn't about to argue. He also told me he didn't want any of the trees blocking his view and to make sure I got him a good slot.

I crawed out on the top of the cliff while my friend was yelling at me that I was going to fall if I wasn't careful. Knitter told me, Tell that bitch to shut up, she's going to wreck my view. I'm going to be here for eternity, it's the least you can do. I didn't tell her, but I did continue to climb out right to the very edge. I laid Knitter out and I started digging, slipping my foot under a root so I wouldn't fall. When I thought I was done Knitter told me it wasn't deep enough so I dug a little bit more and then he said, Okay, as long as you cover me with some rocks too, I don't want one of those freaky bums digging me up and eating me.

So after I was done burying Knitter I covered his grave with rocks and then started to leave. The last thing I heard Knitter say was, Take her home and get some pussy. I guarantee you can at least get a pity fuck out of this. I shook my head, but later I found out he was in fact correct.

I tired to visit Knitter later, but I'm pretty sure that the edge had collapsed and fell into the ocean. I think it was only the wind, but I would swear that I could hear Knitter saying, I love all of the fish down here, but I can't find any pussy. Poor Knitter. I loved that cat.

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Sat Nov 20, 2004 12:24 pm

Taking an afternoon walk, Mr. Jones the luva luva, made it obvious he was interested in tagging along. I told him he shouldn't go where I'm goin, busy street and all. I made it out to Markham, dashed across the four lanes, and started on down my jolly rainbow when just then a pig comes rounding hte curve driving well over the speed limit. I turned to watch him jet by just in time to see Mr. Jones, eyes fixed on me, attempt his own dash across the road.

A solid thud, squeal of tires, and then from the depths of my soul, a resounding "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Adn then (hard to picture this I know) but much crying. Cop jumped back in his death machine, tucked tail, and ran in the face of my pain and fury.

I gathered up my sweet kitty's body and carried him back home.
We sat in wake throughout the night, Francesca and I, and I dug a hole at the foot of the big tree just outside the door in the morning. It was in the spring time, and I planted a grey-blue iris bulb-in-bloom, which still flowers there today.

BlueBirdPoof · Post by **BlueBirdPoof** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 4:53 pm

rubbed a couch against you.

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 5:06 pm

Was my own, solid, self... during two Santacons. I didn't vomit on you (a plus, I think) and I got you laid...

didn't I?...

I don't remember...

What about the mechanical bull?

robbidobbs · Post by **robbidobbs** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:37 pm

The mechanical bull got *laid*???

I'm so confused....what with the drama whirlwind going on.

Whew...I think I'll just hang out at the Bar.

I like my beer like I like my men...strong and bitter.

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 6:41 pm

robbidobbs wrote:The mechanical bull got *laid*???

I'm so confused....what with the drama whirlwind going on.

Whew...I think I'll just hang out at the Bar.

I like my beer like I like my men...strong and bitter.

I like my whiskey like I like my women.

12 years old and full of coke.

PurpleKoosh · Post by **PurpleKoosh** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 7:29 pm

<eddieizzard>I like my coffee like I like my women...in a plastic cup.</eddieizzard>

amnesia · Post by **amnesia** » Thu Dec 16, 2004 7:33 pm

I like rum-paging as do pirates:
one eye on the cask,
the other moist under black silk.

~cups hands & smells fingers~

Mmmmm! Rummy!

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 7:17 am

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 8:44 am

gigglesnort wrote:Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

firmly seconded. but i did amuse gigglesnort in the secretgirlspmclub.
but you don't get to see.

gigglesnort · Post by **gigglesnort** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:44 am

tee hee!

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Fri Dec 17, 2004 11:51 am

Rob the Wop wrote:
robbidobbs wrote:The mechanical bull got *laid*???

I'm so confused....what with the drama whirlwind going on.

Whew...I think I'll just hang out at the Bar.

I like my beer like I like my men...strong and bitter.
I like my whiskey like I like my women.

12 years old and full of coke.

i haven't done shit for you, but that post, plus yer new sig, had me laughing my ASS off... and refusing to explain to my office-mates cuz it's just all so fucking WRONG!

What have done lately to amuse me?

What have I done lately in order to amuse Rob:

Cat story for Rob...

Knitter (part 2)

Rummy Roominesience....