Bringing Reluctant People to Burning Man

[_cherry_]

Hey ya'll,

My name is Cherry; my fiance and I have been burners since 2011, and in 2016 we are getting married on the playa! We have some amazing friends and family members (most virgins) that we are excited to share the Burning Man "experience" with... that being said, we have some people who will be coming with that are not at all excited to go. Let's just talk about my dad. Naturally he would never miss the chance to see us get married, but he is not enthusiastic at all about BM
.. he hates hippies and doesnt drink, among many other things. Personally I think he will love it since he is a prepper and can appreciate art....

My question to the community is, what has been your experience with bringing someone along to the burn who didnt really seem to want to?

Thank you for your input guys!

[lucky420]

i dont think i would bring someone who really didnt want to go.
first of all its expensive and getting tix isnt all that easy and second of all I'd hate to have to always make sure this person was having a good time.

ymmv

[digital]

If they are not 100% committed to take the ups and downs of BM it will just end up a miserable experience for the both of you.

EDIT: While the above is true, if this is for your wedding then the aches and pains of BM might be just fine for him. Any other occasion and I'd say leave him home but for this one it makes some sense to have a reluctant dad come along. He might find he likes it; and if not, he witnessed an important moment in your life. (Still, make him comfortable or allow him the option of a ceremony back at home.)

Welcome to e-Playa!

[Captain Goddammit]

Worst idea ever.

But if your dad does go, he can hang with me. I'm not ultra fond of hippies either.

[Savannah]

Congratulations.

This is a tough one. I normally wouldn't encourage you at all to bring a reluctant camper (they are most likely to have a crappy time of it) but when it's 1) your father, and 2) a wedding, I can understand you being torn.

* Is he a talented camper? You say he's a prepper, so possibly . . .
* What are his thoughts on nudity, gays, cross-dressing? He's going to see a lot of that. If he's uncomfortable with those, forget about it.
* Are you able to make certain concessions, such as camping in one of the (slightly) quieter areas like the three o'clock side near 3, 4 or 5, towards the middle or outside?
* Do you really want to make such concessions for your wedding/honeymoon?
* Can you have the wedding within a specific timeframe, preferably earlier, so he can experience some of the playa but not the whole week?
* Is escape on his own an option?
* Do you have a ticket for him?

Those are a lot of considerations . . .

You might want to have two ceremonies, or get married back home and have a Burn honeymoon. Many Burners who marry on the playa can't bring all the people they want to bring.

If you decide to take him and it actually works out, please come back and tell us the story.

If it doesn't, we probably still want to hear about it.

The best of luck to you.

[Captain Goddammit]

Availability of tickets (which is a crapshoot) may be the biggest thing wrong with this plan.

[ranger magnum]

Have your Playa wedding, then have a reception back at home.

Or, have an informal wedding on Playa, and the official ceremony at home.

[Lonesomebri]

Ahhhh....the old playa wedding..... If only there was some way to enjoy the Burn and make a wedding day memorable... other than doing them together.
If there is, that might be the angle to take.

[some seeing eye]

Reluctant, willing, enthusiastic or ecstatic, a first time burner will find an experience. First explore what are their expectations and impressions of the event. Reframe as necessary. Second what do they like? Art, construction, mechanics, costumes, music, camping? Find a role for them in your camp and an attraction to the event. Third, consider volunteering with them for a few shifts in a department or a camp with their skills.

Most important, communicate what attracts you to the event in language that connects to their values.

And deal with the dust for them at the event and post. People cannot anticipate the dust.

[some seeing eye]

I would also say that the event is not filled with hippies, but it is an event filled with costumes!

[Captain Goddammit]

I would not suggest volunteering a reluctant attendee only there because of your wedding (assuming they can even obtain a ticket). If I didn't wanna go to some goddamm event, the hell if I'd want to WORK for it for free while I was there.
You gotta remember, this is someone who doesn't even want to be there.
If I had to go to a Rainbow Festival just because a family member was getting married, that's the last thing you'd talk me into.

[Eric]

While I would miss the Burn for a family wedding (and have), I would never ask family to come to the Burn if they didn't want to for mine. I'd have either an on-playa wedding with a reception back home after for those who couldn't /wouldn't attend, or the wedding back home & the playa as the reception/ first part of the honeymoon for those who want to be there. Having the official wedding off-playa doesn't mean you can't have a ceremony once you're in BRC (I had friends get married in BRC then have a second "wedding" off-playa for friends & family who couldn't attend).

My honest thought on bringing reluctant people to BMan: don't. It's not just tickets, it's the aspect of keeping them happy interfering with your Burn (and the added stress of your wedding). I'd suggest a re-think on this.

[maladroit]

Do what you gotta do. Let others decide what they want to do. I'd stress the point that no one will force your dad to do anything...he can do whatever he wants, including nothing at all (besides lounging in a chair and grilling steak). Then leave it at that. The city he lives in right now has bars, strip clubs, raves, art exhibits, frat parties, drum circles, pot smokers, demon cults, pyromaniacs, and hippies-a-plenty...unless he seeks them out, he'll largely be left in peace.

[FlyingMonkey]

Getting married at Burning Man = Wonderful experience!

Burning Man destination wedding = WTF! Has it come to this?

You seem like you want to do it for the right reasons but please don’t waste a ticket by “forcing” someone who won’t enjoy Burning Man, or will be unable to cope with the harsh environment to go. Worse yet, don’t have people show up for just your wedding & then return to the default world. Tickets are precious & many who want to go cannot get one.

Who knows, maybe your dad will be drinking absinthe & dancing naked with hippies during your reception. He may love it. It's NOT just about the Hippies. In fact I think that's a huge misperception.

But Burning Man is not for everyone and being your Dad he will feel obligated to go whether he wants to or not & will always have a hole in his life if he misses your wedding.

Have you considered having two weddings (Playa then Default)?

Eloping on the Playa seems romantic & default weddings are more for the family & friends anyway.
I know many people get married on the Playa & they have a special bond that will last forever. (Or at least ½ of them)

Best of luck & Congratulations 

[Captain Goddammit]

I have some friends who decided to have their wedding in Vegas. The plans got changed before it happened because it was going to put too much financial and logistic burden on everyone else. It basically meant that everyone who wanted to attend was going to have to spend at least $1500.

The other part of the story: about ten of us had gone ahead and booked flights & hotels in Vegas. When the wedding-in-Vegas was cancelled, we got together and said "Hey fuck it lets all go anyway!! When else will we all be there at the same time!"
The home wedding date was pushed back a bit, we all went to the wedding too.

But the moral of the story is it sucks to plan a wedding that is going to cause the people you want to attend a lot of financial and/or logistic hardship.
You'll need to at least have a plan B, since you can't even be sure your dad or even yourselves will be able to get a ticket.

[LowePro]

Learned the hard way not to bring reluctant people during my second burn. We invited a few too many friends and convinced them it was a good time--I realized later that we were sugar-coating it and we (unintentionally) didn't explain some of the harsh realities very well. The reluctant friends ended up grumpy and going home early with a sour taste in their mouths. Unfortunately for us they also didn't do a good job mooping so we were stuck cleaning up after them too. This has nothing to do w/ a wedding, but in general bringing people who aren't excited about Bman is a recipe for a bad time. At the very least, have a frank and honest discussion about the highs AND lows and be as accurate as possible.

[Token]

So, to summarize to the OP:

No matter what, your fucked!

Keep the real world separate from the 9-day fantasy and you will do just fine.

[theCryptofishist]

I had a playa wedding. Never got around to having the off-playa reception. (15 months is not a long time...)

It was Scott's idea. I didn't hate it, but the stress of burningman and the stress of wedding went exponentially, not arithmetically. I don't recommend playa weddings...

[maladroit]

I tried to go to a playa wedding. I had a rock-solid known location and actually managed to arrive on time. Still could not find the wedding party in the middle of the dust storm.

[Token]

Playa weddings are about as cool as the unwashed army of temple guardians hushing and shushing you ad nauseam.

Playa orgies on the other hand, that is a good time for all.

[Eric]

I don't think the OP is paying attention - she hasn't responded in 5 days.

[FlyingMonkey]

Playa weddings are about as cool as the unwashed army of temple guardians hushing and shushing you ad nauseam.

Playa orgies on the other hand, that is a good time for all.

If I were to get married on the Playa the Temple would be the LAST place I would do it.

Totally the wrong vibe!

But I think if two burners want to get married, the Playa is the perfect place as long as they have a group of friends/family that will be there to share the experience with.

Having said that, I think getting married at Burning Man for bragging rights (been there done that..... I'm so cool...) is in my opinion wrong on many levels.



Orgies? Hold the reception at the Orgy dome. Now that gives new meaning to "receiving line"

[FlyingMonkey]

I don't think the OP is paying attention - she hasn't responded in 5 days.

Quite possibly discouraged by the reality of pulling it off.

But maybe you're right, time to put a fork in it.

[trilobyte]

My advice, if you do come back and check on this thread, is not to bring someone to the playa who is reluctant to go. Skipping the whole "tickets are a limited commodity" issue, there are a couple bigger things to consider. First and foremost is your Dad. He's pretty clearly expressed that he does not want to go. If you can't pique his interest for other reasons, forcing him to go because that's the only way to see his daughter's wedding is only going to make him less likely to enjoy himself. It may surprise you to learn that many people resent things they're forced into. Assuming that you love and care about your Dad (since you started this thread), I say that you show your Dad some love and respect and celebrate your nuptials someplace else. The second consideration is the rest of your wedding party. Most have never been, and likely would never be considering the trip if you and your fiancé weren't forcing this upon them (I know, that's a terrible way to say it... but that's what you're doing). You're also forcing a bunch of tourists and spectators into the event. I assume that you and your fiancé love Burning Man (seeing as you're planning on getting married at the event and all), so please show the community some love and respect and don't bring out a bunch of tourists and spectators. I bet that at least some of your friends and family would be pretty gung ho and dive right in, but others would not.

What I'd suggest, as others have, is to have two ceremonies. One in defaultia, and then one on the playa. Some of my campmates are doing exactly that this year, they just had a shindig with their families a couple weeks ago, and then they'll have a ceremony on the playa at this year's event. Both of them will be amazing, and awesome, and deeply meaningful. Invite and encourage the people around you to join you for the playa, and turn that into a thing. It's better to travel with a smaller group of people who are excited and enthusiastic than to travel with a large group with members you have to drag along. Who knows, you might even find that some who don't go with you to the playa choose to play supporting roles in helping the people who are coming to get ready (helping with outfits, projects, etc).

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[_cherry_]

Hi everyone, I am reading but havent had the time to reply!

First off, thank you for giving all your input; it has help shift my perspective. "Destination" weddings are expensive, and as we are talking about it and trying to figure out the logistics, it seems like it will be quite expensive for all. We don't want a traditional ceremony, but it is unfair to bring people who don't really want to go to the Burn (ie my dad). It's a tough choice, but it does seem something like a joke to try and plan something at Burning Man where plans dont really exsist!

Id like to think that Burning Man would be a positive experience for my dad, and it would change him for the better, but at the same time it isn't my place to try and dictate how he evolves as a human being.

Burning Man is very special to my finance and I, and I like the idea of a honeymoon with a ceremony. I feel like a ceremony on the playa would be perfect.

Regardless, I'll post in the near future of our final choice and how that plays into our burn next year! Thank you again everyone!

[Jovankat]

I got married last week in San Francisco. Our Best Man/Witness was a pirate I covered the cake in flamingos, the theme of our camp, and our rings were made from nails pulled from the ashes of a man burn. It is totally possible to have an off playa wedding that acknowledges how special Burning Man is to you and your partner. Our Pirate married his wife at the end of a four day camping weekend amongst the Redwoods in Northern California. They're not burners but the event was very burner-y. Everyone cooked and shared food and people ran workshops and activities all weekend. It was at a camp site with cabins, proper plumbing and a commercial kitchen so it was a camping destination wedding but it was much more.. accessible or entry level than burning man is. That weekend has actually turned into an annual event. I went last year and on the final night sitting around the campfire my partner turned to me and said "I can just imagine someone in this group deciding to burn an effigy and that spawning a global movement..."

That said we are planning a playa ceremony, partly because our city hall one didn't include any heartfelt vows, partly because my best friend will be able to attend and I can dress her in a hilariously hideous bridesmaid dress and partly just because GreyCoyote, a user here, offered to officiate so why the hell not!

Also it is possible to get married without your family there, my husband and I have 8 parents between us and only 1 came and I'm so glad because 1 was enough! That's obviously not for everyone but it is an option.

A couple of things I will say with extreme confidence; whatever you do it WILL cost more than you expect and there WILL be moments where you'll stress out and wish you'd kept it simpler.

[gaminwench]

Hey, JK ...

For your on-playa wedding ,,,

I could be flower girl,
music,
and 'oldenoughtogiveyouaway'.

I could also bring something old and blue; and therefore borrowed. (American tradition)

[Jovankat]

Haha awesome! I'd love you to be my flower girl! And the old, new, borrowed and blue things are traditions outside of America too.

But I love the idea of a playa version of those things! I already know that love potion from Love Potion Collective will form part of our ceremony.

[Phantastic79]

It's fine as long as they have a not so crowed RV to escape to. Load em a few movies to watch and they should be fine. Once they're bored of staying in the RV all day they can roam around and look at all the cool art. Tired? Dirty? Hungry? Go back to the RV.

Kinda pricy but fine for a few days for reluctant folks. I'm a suing you only expect th to stay a few days and not the entire week.

I think the embiance, the art, even just the view of the mountains in the distance would be enjoyable to almost anyone.

I don't see how you could have a bad time if you go to BM in a nice RV.

[BBadger]

This is an oldish thread, but quite frankly, I think it's pretty selfish to expect people to pony up significant time and money to attend your wedding in some exotic place. I hope that if you followed through, you went through the effort of making all the arrangements for your father.

I'd go with ranger magnum's advice above and have your playa wedding, but then have a reception for everyone else back in Defaultia. One of my friends even had two separate receptions in different geographic regions because of the two family locales. It's a thoughtful consideration for people in your life.