your stupid joke here

[Simon of the Playa]

[media]

[Ratty]

Simon. Damn it! I can't sit here all day watching Old Jews Tell Jokes. (But really I can. It's very addictive.) Thank you.

[Simon of the Playa]

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

[robbidobbs]

You know a Finnish person likes you when they start staring at your shoes instead of their own.

[Thecatman]

One day a married couple were in a heated argument for the umpteenth time.
Sadly, they decided to call it quits. They're splittin up. Headed for the big D and it ain't Dallas.
The wife starts packing her belongings right away.
The husband asks "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Nevada" she replies
"And what will you do in Nevada" asked the husband
The wife says "I'll give you a hint, I've heard women in Nevada make $400 for what I give you for free."
The husband excitedly says "I'm going to Nevada too" and starts packing.
"What are you going to there" asked the wife.
"I'm gonna watch you try to live on $400 a year."

[FlyingMonkey]

"Hey, last night I watched my very first porn video"

(pause)

(general disbelief)

"Man, I was young back then"


It's all in the delivery

[unjonharley]

Arbitrator: A cook who leaves Arby's to work for McDonold's

[FIGJAM]

[robbidobbs]

I had a friend that married a librarian.
At the ceremony she didn't get a ring, he just stamped her:
NOT FOR CIRCULATION

[tatonka]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

[Zumaria]

Hello fellow burners! I've been needing an influx of new jokes and you're just the sort of ruffians that can help me out! Let's share!

I'll go first.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! Hardy har har!

Ha! But seriously, lay it on me. Here's another -

There is a man who goes to confession.

Priest: "Yes my son?"
Man: "Father, I've sinned. During world war II I harbored a Jew from the Nazis. In exchange, I made her pay me in sexual favors."

Priest: "Ah well, that was a long time ago my son. Do 10 hail marys and all will be forgiven."
Man: "Oh, thank you Father! I need one more piece of advice..."

Priest: "Yes my son?"
Man: "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Bahahaha

Go!

[FIGJAM]

I don't think about sex much anymore, so I guess I have no sex drive.

But I'll keep my thumb out and hope somebody will give me a ride!!!

[Eric]

Note: I've merged the new "Joke Master" thread with the existing joke thread. I'm all tidy like that.

[Zumaria]

Note: I've merged the new "Joke Master" thread with the existing joke thread. I'm all tidy like that.

It's very tidy and very beautiful - thank you! Now I have tons of pages of new jokes to read through!! Good bye productive work day....

[Ratty]

Good morning jokesters. Heard any good ones lately?

[Thecatman]

Every Friday evening a good ol boy, we'll call him Bubba, would fire up his grill and cook venison steak. All of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and Catholic's don't eat meat on Friday. The delightful aroma of grilling venison filled the neighborhood and caused such a problem for the faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest paid Bubba a visit and suggested that he become Catholic. After several classes and studying, Bubba attended mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water on him he said, 'You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were relieved, until Friday evening rolled around and the delightful aroma of grilled venison filled the air. The neighbors called the priest who rushed over to Bubba's house with a rosary being prepared to scold him. The priest stopped in his tracks and stared in amazement.

There was Bubba standing over his grill with a bottle of holy water sprinkling it over the grilling meat chanting, 'You was born a deer, you was raised a deer, now you is a catfish.'

[Canoe]

Texas Whorehouse Sues Local Church Over Lightning Strike!
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cathouse fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's destruction. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

[Canoe]

Reason to not check email while on the phone or conference call, no matter how bored you are...
... someone could email you an mp3 of a flushing toilet.

(I know some of you fuckers gentle people are going to get or make such a file...)

[Thecatman]

54 years ago, Elmer Harrison, a Montana mountain man was drafted into the U.S. Army.
On his first day of basic training, the Army issued Elmer a comb.
That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all Elmers hair.
The second day the Army issued Elmer a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist extracted seven of Elmers teeth.
On the third day the Army issued Elmer a jock strap,
and they have been searching for him for the past 50 years

[Thecatman]

Elmer Harrison

Hopefully a fictitious name

[Thecatman]

A blond
at work was typing in her password which was
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldDaisyLincoln.

A fellow employee observed her typing it and asked why she had such a big password.
The blond replied "Helllooooo! It has to be eight characters and a capital."

[Thecatman]

For several years a man had been having an extra marital affair with and Italian woman.
One night she confides that she is pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money to go back to Italy to have the child
and if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would arrange for child support until the child turns 18.
She agrees but asks how she should inform him when the child is born.
To keep things discrete, when the child is born he instructs her to send him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back and
he will then arrange for child support.
One day several months later he comes home from work to his confused wife.
"Honey" she says, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Give it to me and I'll explain it later" he says.
The wife hands him the postcard and watched as he read the card, turn a whiter shade of pale and faint.
On the card was written
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, Two without. Send more sauce.

[BeeWeeDee]

A man and his wife walked into a Dentist's Office. The man
said to the Dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for
us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want
you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00
AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's
9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'


The Dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is
surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain." So the
Dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it Sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him . . .

[Canoe]

A teacher is discussing biology with her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a little kitty who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher smiled and asked the girl to share this with the class.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It was.", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... but the rottweiler ate him before he could get out "Fuck off!"

[three-toed sloth]

what'd the ocean say to the shore?

nothing, it just waved

[Zona]

The grand master Cosby has spoken.

[Meat Hunter]

What quivers at the bottom of the ocean?

I don't know. What quivers at the bottom of the ocean?

A nervous wreck.

[Canoe]

What's the difference between the people in Dubai and those in Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones.
But the people in Abu Dhabi do.

[Captain Goddammit]

What does an epileptic vegan eat for lunch?

seizure salad

[BeeWeeDee]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
Multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet
round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" the doctor asks.

"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my
wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after
that!"