Dear Abby: I think I’m camping with a Sparkle Pony.

[Kelsier]

(I’ve been training my liver for the upcoming festivities, so this may not be worth reading. At the very least it’s long as f*ck.)

I’ve wanted to go to Burning Man for the last 10 or 11 years, ever since I met friends who have a regular camp. For relationship and financial reasons (each frequently being related to the other) I have not yet gone.

About 6 months before last years burn, I made a commitment to myself that I would attend in 2016. I was lucky enough to get 2 tickets and a parking pass through the general sale (no glitch exploitation by logging in early, just was fortunate).

This isn’t my wife’s thing. She can’t camp without flush toiletry and showers, she doesn’t like loud music, or the heat, or being dirty, or…. She’s the best, but perhaps not suited for that environment. I won’t know for sure until I’ve gone, which is why I’d much rather we go together on my second year once I have a better idea of what to expect. Research can only do so much; nothing replaces the actual experience.

While I am on playa this year, my love is on a separate trip for a bachellorette party; timing works out well. So what to do with the extra ticket? My friend who was originally going to go with me was shut down by his wife. The camp that I was going to join, that had been going for at least the last 10 years, decided to take a year off.

Long story short (too late for that) a friend of my lady (and has become a friend of mine) wanted to buy my ticket and come with. She’s a great person with tons of energy, and super social. Which could actually help me because I’m a bit shy, and not sure how I’ll interact on my own.

So I’m stoked. I’ve been planning this for almost 2 years. Meal plans, shelters, lotions, sunblock, shade… etc. She’s super stoked too; we’ve set up lots of planning meetings. Which she has cancelled or flaked on all but the very last….

Just to be helpful, I’ve sent her a packing list, the link to the Survival Guide, recommended Halcyon’s videos, and offered myself up to any questions she might have (yes I’m a burgin, but a very anally researched and prepared one).

We finally got together yesterday to do some food shopping. I had already taken care of most of mine, but I wanted to pick up a few last things and help her out. This was when I realized that no other preparation had been done.

If she had read anything, she wouldn’t have said:

“Holy crap it’s next week and I haven’t prepared. Though I have a bin of costume stuff ready (slightly paraphrased).”

“Well I don’t really drink that much water, so a couple of gallons should be fine”

“If this isn’t enough water we can just get more there….” (after my look) “Oh please, you
Know they’ll have water.” (Well yeah… if you let the ice melt).

“I don’t think these 4 handles of alcohol will be enough..” (Literally more hard alcohol than water, though I admit we both can put it away)

“I got a 10x10 pop up canopy to bring.”
(Me) “What do you have to secure it down?”
“A bag of those…. Umm… tent...
(Me) “Stakes?”
“Yeah!”
(Me) “uhhh… I don’t think that will be enough…” (later I sent her the video of the flying tent.)


So here I am planning on practicing self-reliance. I’m not joining a theme camp, I’d rather open camp so I can eat when I feel like it, wander at will, and make friends with neighbors. I’ve been using packing guides to make sure I bring everything I need and some extras to help and gift out to others in need. I’ve bought a first aid kit, moleskin, electrolyte powder, an extra air mattress… etc. Essentially, I’m probably over-planning.

But my friend hasn’t prepared at all. How much of my burn do I devote to filling the gaps in her knowledge? She’s definitely a tough gal and has way more camping experience than I do. She’s the type that probably could be dropped in the middle of everything and come out just fine.

Crap… did I just answer my own question?

I love her dearly and want her to enjoy her burn; I know I’ll have a great time exploring with her. She’s not my wife… I don’t need to pamper her. But I’ll also never refuse her (or anyone) of something that they need if I have it to spare. But then do I bring extra supplies and rebar stakes because I assume she won’t bring something sufficient? (You know what they say about assuming…. It means you’re a dick).

I guess on one side there is teaching her a lesson in self reliance; she’s an adult. But on the other hand, if she isn’t prepared she or someone else could get hurt. Guess I just answered my question again. Off to Home Depot.

So nevermind… I’ve just been rambling. Kind of theraputic. See you at the burn!

[some seeing eye]

Have them put together a packing list make sure they bring it. Reach out through your and your pony's social media networks to have some people on playa you can find to be sparkle pony spirit guides, backup sparkle pony sitters. Give the sparkle pony jobs around camp. There is a pony training stable on playa.

[delle]

Or just let her loose. She'll be fine.

[dustyfux]

I've been burning with one of my best buddies since 1999. He's is a complete mess and couldn't pack a lunch. But he's the fucking life of the party and this man knows how to run a bar. I know he's got the front of the house. He knows I got his back. He'll bring a dozen handles of tequila and the salt & limes. I get the shade. He opens the bar at 9am and keeps the lights on until 10pm. I buy two ribeye's when one will do. Over the years we've figured it out.

So yes, it is your circus and your monkeys. First year, feel the burn baby.

[some seeing eye]

Or just let her loose. She'll be fine.

Hahaha, my observation is the sparkliest of the sparkles can wander off and be adopted with no communication. Then the problem becomes do you leave without them when you have no idea where that pony is hiding. Maybe they ran off with the circus?

Figure that out in advance!

[Kelsier]

So yes, it is your circus and your monkeys. First year, feel the burn baby.

I need to change my signature. =)

I'm the type to over plan, so once I'm there, Frank can come out and give fuck all, knowing that kelsier took care of him.

[Dr. Pyro]

If she gets completely out of hand, send her to the back of my RV.

[Captain Goddammit]

There's no fucking way in hell I'd go with someone like that.
And you knowingly bringing a mooch like that for us all to carry makes you just as... uh... fantastic.
Thanks friend. Fuck yer day

[Token]

I'm sorry to say Kelsier, everything seemed reasonable in your post until you mentioned Halcyon's LA self-help-cult narcisistic masturbation videos.

What a vulgar waste of fucking Internet bandwidth.

Which brings me to the grand dilemma:

Is she a sparkle pony or are you a bit wound up too tight?

If I was a betting man, I'd put my money on the dame.

So, bring the extra stuff, be prepared to "handle things", and realize that in all likelihood you doing it for yourself, not her.

I gotta feeling your friend will do just fine.

[Captain Goddammit]

Nah I partially disagree (but not entirely).
While you're probably right, she has zero interest in learning anything about what she needs to do. Being female, of course that's gonna work out because guys will take care of her... but that still makes her a sparrklepony

[Token]

You got an angle there capn, a touch sexist but that's how God or evolution made us, depending how you look at them types of thing.

I'm just worried she not bringing enough booze. Needs allot more PBR for hydration.

I remain confident in my read on who gonna have the time of their life.

[FlyingMonkey]

She sounds like a lot of fun. As long as she has water, food, Tent & ticket she's on her own for the rest.

No goggles or dust mask? Well that could be a learning experience but not a show stopper.
No Blinky lights? She'll learn from that too.
No bike? Hope those legs are in good shape.

You can only hold someone's hand so much. As long as she has what she needs to stay alive for a week in the desert you have done your part preparing her. And if you're like me you will be taking water & food back home with you anyway and would just as well give it to someone who needs it.

She may even surprise you.

If all else fails.....see Dr. Pyro

[GreyCoyote]

Looking through the transparent social veneer and questions-that-need-no-answers:

1). You're on the road to a divorce anyway, so for your sake I seriously suggest banging this chick as long and hard as Mr. Willie can stand. Stock up on Viagra if he has trouble with assisting you with no-arms push-ups.
2). Sparklepony is now your problem. Deal with it. She wants to chase social butterflies. You want to play Jeimiah Johnson with a Rescue Rooter. I'll work out (Yeah. Just go with it).
3). Bring a pillow. You'll need it to cry on afyer about Day Three when she gets drunk/stoned/altered and discovers some other guy/gal/flightless-bird-species that has brighter plumage, better drugs, bigger dick, "deeper soul", etc.
4). Consult a lawyer before the burn so you know your options when Ms. Sparklepony comes to your wife post-burn asking for "forgiveness".
5). Enjoy your new life of freedom. Seriously. Yeah, Burningman cost you your wife, kids, most of your friends, and likely your job, but look at what you have now! A forever social disease, lots of ruined camping gear, sure. We expected that. But the real gift will be the ability to look a Really Bad Idea squarely in the eye and say "nope! I am SO not gonna do that!"

Of course, thats just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[Skuzzy61]

Kind of gruff, a bit snarky, but GreyCoyote might be on to something. Then again, I am just another birgin trying to figure it all out, so I could be full of it.

[Captain Goddammit]

Grey Coyote for the win.

[CaffeineGirl]

Ditto.

A few years back we gave a ride to a friend who had wanted to go for years whose wife had no interest. She finally agreed to "let" him go. She dropped him off at our house without a word, and practically burned rubber getting away. The friend was camping with an ill-prepared life long buddy, but ended up hanging around our camp a lot, since we were in a lively area and the buddy wanted to be way back away from all that noise.

Saw my friend about 9 months after burn. Divorced, burner girlfriend, no mention of the life long buddy.

[GreyCoyote]

Kind of gruff, a bit snarky, but GreyCoyote might be on to something. Then again, I am just another birgin trying to figure it all out, so I could be full of it.

Re-reading my post, it does come off more snarky than humor. The error is mine.

But I think the OP is in trouble. And I do wish him well. He seems like a hell of a nice guy that is about to get bitch-slapped for being nice and chasing a dream.

Respect to the OP. Hang tough in the storm that may be coming.

[Token]

Sweet fucking goat balls, GC you are killing it here.

Kelsier is gonna stroke-out (the blood clot in brain stroke out kind you perverts) before he even sets foot on the Playa.

Humor folks, just humor.

Kelsier, if you gonna snake some strange, skip the sparkle pony, lots other action out there.

Now, having said all that, you may want to squirrel away about $10K into some bitcoin stash for the divorce lawyers before you go. Once they lock them accounts, you will be on top-ramen for months.

[justfred]

Write your camp address on her arm in Sharpie. Set her loose.

[GreyCoyote]

"Ebola on tap / Free samples here" is effective too.

[Kelsier]

Damn I was wasted last night. Barely remember writing half of that. But made for a fun read this morning.

Thanks for the concerns about my marriage, but the divorce lawyers won't be necessary. =) While I do love my friend dearly, I know where she's been and wouldn't go near that without...... nevermind, don't want to be crude, but yeah wouldn't go there.

I'm definitely a bit wound up; getting more nervous as the event gets closer. But my nerves are focused around how I hate the heat and If I my dry ice will keep my food frozen. But that's how I am... I over plan, I research, I obsess, but once I get there let it all go and relax.

With a sober mind I realize that she can take care of herself. I need to not worry about her, and just prepare to enjoy the experience. That being said, a few extra rebar stakes, and some additional blinkies to keep her from being a darkwad aren't that difficult. I was going to bring the extra blinkies anyway..

But I'm liking the sharpie on the arm idea. Hopefully she won't be too offended. =)

[Kelsier]

Kind of gruff, a bit snarky, but GreyCoyote might be on to something. Then again, I am just another birgin trying to figure it all out, so I could be full of it.

Re-reading my post, it does come off more snarky than humor. The error is mine.

Yeah, felt a bit snarky, but then I remembered the culture of these boards. No offense taken. You only have my post to go off of, and reading it again I have some snark to dish out to myself.

[Token]

Drunk posting is a right of passage and requirement on these boards.

You are on the right track sir.

[Kelsier]

There's no fucking way in hell I'd go with someone like that.
And you knowingly bringing a mooch like that for us all to carry makes you just as... uh... fantastic.
Thanks friend. Fuck yer day

Captain Goddammit you are right and I would like to apologize to you personally.

Radical Inclusion be damned. Next time I will interview the person to make sure they fit the standards fitting of a burner. Or do you prefer to do the vetting yourself?

At least I'm making her my issue rather than everyone else's.

[Kelsier]

Drunk posting is a right of passage and requirement on these boards.

You are on the right track sir.

If hungover posting is also a requirement, then I'm winning!

[Captain Goddammit]

Water? Oh they'll have water. I don't need to bring that.
Lost me right there.

[maladroit]

It just comes out of the tap, silly.

[GreyCoyote]

I gotta admit I'm taking a shine to Kelsier. A good man in a storm with a good heart. Maybe too good however. Only time will tell.

Do come by 4:45 and H and say hi, snag a bacon tamale or two, and introduce yourself. Bring the sparklepony for amusement if you wish. We'll be gracious. (And we even have a lawyer or two that you can have a confidential chat about "options" if the shit hits the fan.)

Belt. Suspenders. Duct tape. Never hurts to have a plan!

[Kelsier]

Water? Oh they'll have water. I don't need to bring that.
Lost me right there.

That's exactly when I started to panic. Didn't realize the extent till then.

[some seeing eye]

Maybe you can get them to think of it as a solo wilderness camping trip. Pack everything in and pack everything out. It is very important to get the MOOP idea in their brain and that there are no garbage cans.

The what's in your knapsack, daypack, nightpack thread is good. Good shoes is important.

This whole situation sounds like great journaling material. It will also be interesting how the sparkle relates the experience to your wife.

Good luck and playa godsend.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... urning+man