Start here - tell us about yourself and what brings you to ePlaya.
Post Reply
User avatar
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2018 4:02 pm
Burning Since: 2018


Post by AtomicPanda » Fri Aug 17, 2018 11:18 am

I wish everyone an amazing Burn this year! I lost my 15yr old son to suicide in January and was seeking something in the dessert to help cope. For the past six month's I've been working towards my first burn. I have acquired my plane ticket, gear & provisions. I can't help but feel a massive sense of failure at my inability to make it to join all you this year. I was ahead of the game and received my low-income ticket approval 1st thing and started to make my arraignments. Then there's life :!: :!: :!: I was planning on Rideshare but no joy, I failed to be able to find a ride in or raise the funds for the Burner express bus. I failed to hold on to the cash for the two hundred dollar event ticket. I failed to acquire a bike. I failed 100% self reliance and am destroyed by that fact. I have eight days to work a miracle but since I don't believe in those anymore I wish everyone their best burn! Enjoy who you have while you have them. Be good to each other!!!
Your friend,

User avatar
Posts: 20227
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2004 5:23 am
Burning Since: 2001
Camp Name: Anti M's Home for Wayward Art
Location: Wild, Wild West

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by AntiM » Fri Aug 17, 2018 5:16 pm

I am sorry for your loss, and for everything falling through. Some years it just is not your year. I won't be going this year, it would have been 18 for us. Life just turns out that way and we all do the best with what we've got. Best wishes and see you next year!

User avatar
Posts: 9247
Joined: Fri Mar 12, 2010 9:47 am
Burning Since: 2021
Camp Name: Dye with Dignity
Location: Reno, NV

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by lucky420 » Fri Aug 17, 2018 5:25 pm

Ohhhh I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine your pain. Next year you’ll get there. You know people always say “next year was better anyway”

Please take care and I hope you find peace.
Oh my god, it's HUGE!

User avatar
Posts: 14852
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2007 10:00 pm
Burning Since: 2007
Camp Name: Mudskipper Cafe
Location: Palm Springs

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by Elderberry » Fri Aug 17, 2018 6:35 pm

So sorry for your loss. Like she said--next year is always better!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me

User avatar
Posts: 12672
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:33 pm
Burning Since: 2023

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by Savannah » Fri Aug 17, 2018 6:38 pm

Hey AtomicPanda, Welcome.

You're no doubt still reeling over the loss of your son. It can make the subsequent issues you've been having feel like "failures", but I would encourage you to think of them in the same way as those of us who miss a year or 2, or 4 (my record!) think about the gap years: just not the right year. I've never seen anyone here think of it as a personal failing, so you can opt to look it that way too, if you're willing.

I wish you luck with everything, and welcome you to stay and make friends anyway. There's tons to learn (especially since you've never been) and maybe you'll make some friends, or meet future rideshares.
*** The Burning Man Survival Guide ***

"I must've lost it when I was twerking at the trash fence." -- BBadger

"Snark away, ePlaya, you magnificent bastards." -- McStrangle

User avatar
Captain Goddammit
Posts: 8485
Joined: Sat Sep 06, 2003 9:34 am
Burning Since: 2000
Camp Name: First Camp
Location: Seattle, WA

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by Captain Goddammit » Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:04 pm

I’ve recently suffered a devastating loss of someone... we all chose to make next year the year to go to the desert and have the celebration of life and healing.
It was partly due to logistics, as you know BM is a big logistic challenge.
This may or may not be true but we also feel that this year will be - and should be - more about the loss of Larry Harvey and we’d rather not have her (Kelly) overshadowed.

It’s a shitty time. I’ve just had a big oral surgery done and couldn’t feel much worse, yet I know you’d trade places with me. Just concentrate on getting through a day at a time and with a year to set it up, next year should happen and you’ll be far better prepared. Being well prepared makes a big difference in how your burn goes.

We also recently had a suicide in the family. I won’t annoy you rehashing the same shit everyone tells you, all the “it isn’t your fault” stuff. I know I got tired of hearing the standard stuff, even if it’s true.
Everyone does the best they can do every day. All you can do is keep doing that.

If you see my “Land Yacht” next year, yell for “Captain Goddammit”, that always assures it will come about and pick you up.
The First Mate will give you water, coffee, booze, beer, whatever is your fancy, and we’ll go look at the art on the playa.
GreyCoyote: "At this rate it wont be long before he is Admiral Fukkit."

User avatar
Posts: 29561
Joined: Thu Sep 20, 2007 8:36 pm
Burning Since: 2017
Camp Name: qqqq
Location: nevada county

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by ygmir » Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:00 am

first and foremost: so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine, and really, don't want to.
Everything else, is secondary. Things usually happen for a reason.
I hope you can heal (somewhat, for the hole will never totally close), and come when things align for you.
There is no "failure", there is only "is".
This is how it went for you.

Unabashed Nordic

User avatar
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2018 4:02 pm
Burning Since: 2018

Re: Brokenhearted

Post by AtomicPanda » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:25 am

Thank you to everyone who has reached out. The messages you have shared have been uplifting and I hope to meet you all next year! Thank you for being open to me.

Post Reply

Return to “The Greeter's Station”