Goodbye Burners

[MadNinjaSkills]

I was going to go to Burning Man for the first time with somebody this year and it fell apart.

I am devastated. I waited so long to be given the time of day and I hoped there’d be a future in it. Instead I ended up buying $1,000 worth of lingerie the day before Valentines Day that NOBODY used. Everything seemed normal and this person constantly texted/called me the month before. Then BOOM all that happens is one day I’m on the stair-master at the hotel gym and she texts saying her kid is sick and suddenly I can’t get in touch with her. For several days afterwards she contacts me back as if everything’s fine and then I can’t communicate back. (Like, why even lead me on like that? At least tell me you just wanted a fling or just don’t reach me at all. Don’t constantly reach out to me like everything’s totally normal and then make it hard for me to even reach out to you.) The confusion happened for a month. Then a death in the family happened and the same thing happened all over again: She DMed me on Twitter saying, “Oh I figured you might’ve needed some space.” Conversation is almost completely normal. The next day she unfollows me on Twitter. I was like, “Wtf?!”

The only long-term relationship I’ve ever been in was around 15 years ago. The person subjected me to physical abuse which led me to cut it off. (She was a cocaine addict so it was for the better.)

Look the point is I’m all alone. I really hate that nobody can reach out to me. I hate that I’m technically gifted but this Western culture just shits on me because I’m not middle of the road.

The bourgeois made it perfectly clear that I’m barred from the suburbs and forced to be an outcast since I was 7 years old. There is nothing I can do about it. Same thing last night: Someone comes up to me to talk about sports. I’m honest: “I hate sports.” “Well, why do you hate sports?” Jesus, I’m fucking Un-American or something I don’t know. Go fucking talk to someone who can pretend to give a shit about sports.

I’m all alone. I’ve been spending all day yesterday and today blocking all of my cell-phone contacts. I re-did my voice-mail greeting to literally two words: “Go away.” I think it’s about time to step into the final and only remaining stage of my life: To go to Belgium and become a Buddhist monk.

I will miss Christine (another person I care about and love dearly who this post is not about). I just can’t coexist in a culture that doesn’t want me. The beginning of this year I thought it’d be nice to start a family someday. That won’t happen. It’s been more than a decade and nobody wants to get to know me or reach out to me. It’s pointless.

I texted some acquaintances and friends I met before to tell them the positive ways their life effected me before I have to leave.

I’d love to be accepted as a layman. I would love to make love to someone in the future I care about and to have a bunch of goals and aspirations lined up. I’d love to feel welcome. (This was the first year I literally felt happy. For several years it was crystal clear I am an outlier and I am NOT welcome. Since I was 7 years old actually.) There’s no fruit in it. I look at the things that people worship and admire in this culture and I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be a human being. This culture is sick! It needs healing. Love and compassion are set aside for monetary wealth and possessions that do absolutely NOTHING to directly help others or the culture.

I am crying a lot on the balcony of my hotel room. By choice I haven’t eaten in two days.

And so I will not be going to Burning Man. I paid around $5,000 for the tickets. If I’m refunded I’m refusing the money anyway as I don’t need it and giving it to people/organizations who are in need.

It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. None of this would’ve ever happened if I was just killed in the foster-home I went to when I was 7 years old like I was supposed to be. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I’m not normal.

I’m going to be selling all my computer equipment and rare books and guitar and so on on eBay at a $0.01 reserve for anyone who wants them. That’s the last thing I have to do before I become a Buddhist monk in Belgium and never come back. I plan on getting rid of my cellphone soon afterwards so nobody can reach me.

I can’t go through with this anymore. It’s just too painful.

I wish I could have gone. I’m sorry.

I am staying in Santa Monica at the moment very briefly. If someone is in the neighborhood can you please hold me in the lobby. I need it. It’s very important. All I want is someone, anyone, to embrace me. It doesn’t have to be a sexual or romantic thing. It can be purely platonic. People can be of any gender or sexual persuasion who do it. I just really need that right now.

Please promise me all of you will hold on to hope. I love you all.

I am so sorry. I will always be sorry for it all. For all the scrutiny I had to deal with by marching to my own drummer and not falling in line for ideals and things I don’t believe in.

I will always be so sorry about that.

-Michael Wais

'I wish I could be beside you now mother, to bring you the glass of water. All these years I have spent in the service of mankind brought me nothing but insults and humiliation'' -Nikola Tesla

[lucky420]

Maybe you’ll meet someone else you can go to the burn with?
Maybe you won’t and you’ll go solo but might meet someone there?
Maybe you will go to the burn and not meet a soulmate?
Maybe you’ll have a super good time and be really glad you went?

Best wishes to you

[MadNinjaSkills]

Yeah man. Thanks so much for your advice. I just don’t see a point in it. I’m supposed to die on my deathbed alone and forgotten. Nobody’s supposed to reach out to me. Everybody’s gone. There’s no point when society thinks you’re a freak because you’re too left-of-center and forward-thinking above everybody else.

I appreciate your good intentions and the positive spirit behind your good advice though.

If I reach out, I’ll get hurt. It happened for 23 years and it’ll happen for the 30 years remaining of my adult life. Even Krystal. If she never met me, she would have never committed suicide. That’s entirely on me. She could’ve become a teacher like she wanted and lived a happy life. She’d be such a great teacher! So technically I committed murder because she wouldn’t have overdosed if she didn’t meet me. And that’s my fault.

I just can’t reach out to people anymore. It doesn’t serve a purpose. They’ll all push me away.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you have a great night.

[ygmir]

Yeah man. Thanks so much for your advice. I just don’t see a point in it. I’m supposed to die on my deathbed alone and forgotten. Nobody’s supposed to reach out to me. Everybody’s gone. There’s no point when society thinks you’re a freak because you’re too left-of-center and forward-thinking above everybody else.

I appreciate your good intentions and the positive spirit behind your good advice though.

If I reach out, I’ll get hurt. It happened for 23 years and it’ll happen for the 30 years remaining of my adult life. Even Krystal. If she never met me, she would have never committed suicide. That’s entirely on me. She could’ve become a teacher like she wanted and lived a happy life. She’d be such a great teacher! So technically I committed murder because she wouldn’t have overdosed if she didn’t meet me. And that’s my fault.

I just can’t reach out to people anymore. It doesn’t serve a purpose. They’ll all push me away.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you have a great night.

Hi,
so, I'm so sorry for your pain. No one can "understand", but many of us can sympathize. And care.
We don't know eachother. Perhaps IRL, we'd not even get along. I don't care.
I see a human, with intellect and emotion and much to give, who for whatever reasons, usually a mix of choices and circumstances, could use an ear.
Some folks here on eplaya, are caring, and good listeners. Reach out, there are plenty of threads, or start your own?
It really does not matter, to most of us, if you are left/right. We well argue and insult eachother, but will bring food and porn if you are in trouble.
Sometimes it's good to vent to strangers. Feel free.
Hang in there.
People care.

[gaminwench]

Have you considered therapy?

It could help you; I know it helped me.

[Elorrum]

Put this number in your phone. 1-800-273-8255. Suicide hotline. I’m not telling you to call, but, please just save the number.

Depression isn’t just “sadness” it can be angry and brittle and spikey, and confused, pushing away needed friends.

You can save yourself some pain (maybe years of it) if you choose to ask a pro for help.

I hope you feel better soon.

[The Rod]

The old viking has got a valid point: people DO care. And, burners care about marching to our own damn drums.
Do Not Ever Apologize For Being You.

The 'world' that humanity built for itself does a good job tricking people into thinking we need to be sorry for, or even worse justify, our existence. Fuck That.

I really hope you can get your ass to Burning Man, I think you'd find that a lot of people there would encourage you to celebrate your singularness. I know I would. I can't think of a better place to take a sunset stroll down the street in $1000 lingerie. If you don't make it to the event, stick around here in the virtual playa, you might realize that some of us come here because we also fit in nowhere...

And if you do go to Belgium to become a monk, for gods sake become a trappist. I know, I know, christian dogma and all that, but it the best damn beer on the planet and if your going to completely give up on life on Earth you should at least drink some good beer.

[Sham]

Yeah man. Thanks so much for your advice. I just don’t see a point in it. I’m supposed to die on my deathbed alone and forgotten. Nobody’s supposed to reach out to me. Everybody’s gone. There’s no point when society thinks you’re a freak because you’re too left-of-center and forward-thinking above everybody else.

I appreciate your good intentions and the positive spirit behind your good advice though.

If I reach out, I’ll get hurt. It happened for 23 years and it’ll happen for the 30 years remaining of my adult life. Even Krystal. If she never met me, she would have never committed suicide. That’s entirely on me. She could’ve become a teacher like she wanted and lived a happy life. She’d be such a great teacher! So technically I committed murder because she wouldn’t have overdosed if she didn’t meet me. And that’s my fault.

I just can’t reach out to people anymore. It doesn’t serve a purpose. They’ll all push me away.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you have a great night.

Hi Michael, I'm sorry to hear this anguish that you're going through. I can hear from your words that this is prolonged and hopeless feeling. This is just the time to slide to the edge of your chair and work on a happy fix.
If this is your first time attending Burning Man, you may find this is just what the doctor ordered. The people are very warm and open. You will find your people there. Old, young, straight, gay with some very weird and fun twists with everyone.
I can recall 2 vivid connections with people I met on the playa. One young man had a permanent grimace on his face due to a life time of heartache. His stories went on and on from his childhood to now. After spending an hour with him, I felt he might need professional help forever. The playa dropped his fix right into his lap. He was able to address his fears. I saw his expression change. The grimace was gone. Holy shit.
Michael, you have your tickets. Save the second one. You may find a mate to travel with. Come to Burning Man with an open mind and be willing to make new friends and accept a helping hand. Your magic may be right there in the dust.
For now, we on eplaya are here for you. You can message me or anyone here. We are all real people and will help you with whatever you might need.
I hope to see you in the dust in August.
Keep the faith my friend.
Sham....

[DVD Burner]

Maybe you’ll meet someone else you can go to the burn with?
Maybe you won’t and you’ll go solo but might meet someone there?
Maybe you will go to the burn and not meet a soulmate?
Maybe you’ll have a super good time and be really glad you went?

Best wishes to you

On the positive note:

THIS!

[some seeing eye]

Hey there, welcome to ePlaya!

We all go through romantic ups and downs. We think others don't have them, but they do. The trick is to recover as quickly as possible from the downs and move on.

You don't have to go to the burn with a romantic partner!

I'm going to get many arrows shot my way, but if you look at the personality types attracted to the burn, a good portion are not long term relationshipers. The burn is very tough on many long term relationships and it is possible your partner could just run off with or go home with another person.

The event can be stressful for new and continuing burners.

Suggest you reach out to your burning man regional and make some friends.

With an extra ticket, people will come out of the dust and say/pretend anything to get it. Resist being exploited. You will be able to sell your ticket at face value (we don't allow reselling markups)

My experience has been that I come back with a complete refresh on life and great optimism!

[MadNinjaSkills]

Thanks so much, all. We are speaking again and the communication is becoming more normal. I did get a wedding band for her to offer her around her bday at the end of the year and I’d like to maybe have a blended family with her if it works out. (She’s divorced and has a kiddo. I knew from the start it would be something to work around but I liked her so much I was willing to improvise with how we’d get around to spending time together which worked out really well at the start of the year.)

I’m grieving my dad and it’s hard. I’m hoping since things are getting a bit more normal now communication-wise drastic changes for the summer/Burning Man might not be necessary.

I really wanted to go with that person. It’s just I set the ground-rule, “Don’t monopolize who initiates contact and reach out to me right after blocking me.” Like, either talk to me or not, but don’t do both. Since I drew that line in the sand and told her that if I only got one-sided communication and games and only her being able to initiate I’d have to stop talking to her entirely and move on she’s been getting the hint. Really if I didn’t like being with this person so much I wouldn’t have put up with the completely contradictory signals for that long and I’d just not talk to the person anymore. (Really who texts someone while they’re at the gym and then blocks them not even two minutes afterwards and then reaches them three different times of that week after I’m ready to bury the hatchet [because I only block people I don’t want to talk to for whatever reason]? Anyway, it’s in the past and it’s been explained now and remedied in the past 7 days so far. I’m ready to let it go and let this person have a happy life of their own without me in it if it happens again.)

So, okay, I’m disregarding all the depressing stuff of the first message. Also I wrote it when I was so depressed that I didn’t eat anything [by choice] for about 48 or 72 hours. I’m so grateful for all the other friends I had who helped anchor me when I really needed the support. If there’s one thing that would help me in my life it would be to tattoo on my forehead or my hand, “Don’t make any decisions if you haven’t eaten/slept!!”

Things are better now. The camper’s still booked. Obviously I’m not going to come on strong right after a month or two that was hard where also I didn’t know what the hell was going on with a person and say right away this week, “HEY, WHAT ABOUT BURNING MAN THIS SUMMER!” I can bring it up in a month or two or three.

Oh yeah, and I’m also moving and I’m moving into my new house on June 15th. That’s also wearing on me a little bit.

So a lot of things have been going better over the week and I’m more optimistic.

I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who helped cheer me up!! I am SO happy I got my bearings back together last week! You all are AWESOME!!

So I hope it’ll be a great Burning Man and I hope it’ll be a fun time with someone else if she can’t make it. It’s just we don’t cohabitate and I thought it’d be nice and romantic to have that time together.

Anyway, off to dinner! Have an awesome night, all!!

[lucky420]

I’m glad things are looking up and you’re feeling better

[gaminwench]

Yay! Stay with us. We will help you through, as best we can.

[Elorrum]

Keep at it! Thanks for the update.

[ranger magnum]

Do not propose to this person

You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you take on the responsibility of a marriage

[MadNinjaSkills]

Okay,

First of all I don’t even know what’s going on with that person. And at the times I feel more confident and self-validating I feel really angry and sad at them about the situation. Granted, I would never do anything to greatly hurt this person or mess up their life in any dire way; and they’re not a bad person (it’s just the manipulative contact stuff is really annoying). I really hoped someone could love me for me and I’m very sad and mad that right after the first peak in the “honeymoon period” of a budding relationship she had to just give me all these weird mixed signals almost every day without any warning. I feel really sad and mad after so much of what I did for her. Best of all she only reads/listens to what she wants to hear and unless she contacts me first she makes it so I literally can not get a hold of her AT ALL! (You ever have a woman come out 4 or 6 weeks later and invite you in an e-mail on her day off to go out that week, and THEN you immediately realize you have to remind her to unblock your texts/calls so you can actually reach her?? Yeah, thought not. [Oh sure, I block people I want to invite to hang out all the time! NOT!]) I just wish something bad actually happened the week all this started so at least there’d be a reason for me being totally taken for granted.

I flushed the $12,000 diamond engagement band down the toilet. I made sure to do it at the mall so knowing me I wouldn’t try to dig it out of the pipes. Then the week got very David-Lynch-ian.

I was so overwhelmed and unhappy as always with my life in San Diego. I made sure to take a toy gun I spray-painted black so the police could shoot and kill me to Marshall’s department store- one of the only places in San Diego kind enough to hire me that paid me only about $25.00 at all per week before the taxes taken out of the paycheck. I brought a black ski mask with me so that I could trigger the cops to shoot me. I put it all in a bag and I even brought a burner phone so they wouldn’t be able to know it was me. All I could do was sit still in the men’s room where I was about to make a call as a fake employee and tell them there was an active shooter on the loose. I was 98% ready for the attempt but right when it was about time I just froze.

I walked back home. I even tucked the toy prop into my pants and the ski mask in my back pocket but the closer I got the harder it got for me to get it done. I decided I might falsely claim to the police I kidnapped/murdered an elderly neighbor who was a chiropractor in a cold case in San Diego just so I could quit. Then my therapist called me and settled me down. The crisis house he recommended to me the next day turned me away which was ridiculous. I stayed at a hostel. Now I’m finally outside of San Diego where my father has continually manipulated me and forced me to be attached by the hip to him and he’s demanded I never have my own income or a higher education or any opportunities all so I can kiss up to him and be controlled by him like my mom was when I was little and he continually beat and physically/verbally abused and threatened her. I will NO longer be a part of his financial manipulation!

So the last 48-72 hours have been great! I’m enrolling in college here in two days and I have a job interview tomorrow. The anti-depressants a psychiatrist had me start have been really good so far.

BUT everything I’ve done to move into my new apartment has left me with only $200. My computer’s at home, a flight ticket will wipe me out, I can’t take the train tomorrow because my job interview here is at 4, my Mustang that’s with me here takes $100 at least each way to drive from LA to San Diego. That would eliminate all the money I have now. My bitcoin held in proprietary accounts like Coinbits and/or Voyager is still on hold until at least Friday. I need to deliver the funds for where I’m living now no later than Tuesday. The one sole credit card I didn’t cut up in case of emergencies has only $14.00 on it. Not enough.

I really am trying to start a new life here and I’ve pulled myself from the ground up. I’m very sincere about moving here for good. 98% of the money I had this morning went to servicing my car so I could look for job applications and move most of the stuff I need/want from San Diego to here. I had to put off the tire rotation so I could have a cushion for now.

Could anyone here PLEASE buy the tickets and vehicle pass from me?? It’s kind of an emergency and I already have $10,000 to $20,000 coming my way to get started here, just in at least a week or two. I would be willing to sell the tickets that were around $2,500 each for $2,000 total and even throw the vehicle pass in for free if anyone can pay me via some immediate method. Around 75% of the camper I cancelled was not refunded.

I am so upset with this person. Anyway, I don’t even know why I want the person to reach out to me anymore. Yeah, they’re hot but I really wouldn’t deal with this kind of behavior from anyone else for this long. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me that I don’t just write her off entirely and I just put up with her dumb and childish and annoying mind games. (Robin Williams said, “God gave man two heads to use, but only enough blood-flow to think with one at a time.” Must explain why I’m an atheist.)

So now the theme isn’t about relationships anymore but instead staking a place with new beginnings. Will anyone here PLEASE buy my two tickets I can transfer to them so I can make it through the next couple of days? There’s a lot I’d do for the money back at this point, but I don’t want to be banned from the board this early for suggesting I’d prostitute myself or anything.

By 3:00 Monday would be great. I’m really freaking out right now and I have to start classes and work and live here and get situated here. It’s like “Mission: Impossible” right now. This is the move I wanted since I was 15 and I’m 41 now. It’s like Ellis Island for me. Please someone help if you can!!!!

Obviously I don’t ever feel like going to Burning Man in the future. This person disappointed me so much.

Please help me if any of you can. I’m going to make myself some dinner now.

[MadNinjaSkills]

Okay, so it’s pretty obvious I’m never going to Burning Man ever for the remaining 30 years of my life after this mess. I’m falling apart. The person I was talking about before was mad that I lied about my dad dying. My parents are adamant that I have zero opportunities until either my grandfather’s widow dies or my dad dies. Neither of them are dying yet.

Everything’s a mess. I hate myself. I hate my history. I’ve burned the two or three bridges I started out with here. Everything’s pointless.

[gaminwench]

Okay.

Let's see if I've got this straight (I really want to understand, I'm not judging you).

You lied to your partner (who seems like a serious manipulator, with the radio silence bits; been there, done that, no thank you) and to this anonymous forum about your father dying. Why?

If you are now in LA, there are many, many sliding scale therapists available to you; I would suggest you avail yourself of those options.

Please, take care.

[GypsyMuse]

Hi Michael,

I read your post and thought WOW! that sounds a lot like me. I was even in foster care between 4-5 years old. And then again as a teenager. I've always felt out of place in this world, and agree with you that the world is sick.

I feel like timing is off in the world, and things like your experience happen a lot. Truly, timing is everything. If the timing is bad, people just can't connect on a truly deep level. I've experienced a lot of missed connections, confusing relationships, etc. I've even been backing off from people and becoming more reclusive due to the pain of all of it. I'm trying to work through a lot of it on my own, but it gets isolating sometimes and makes me wonder what the point is.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your bad experiences, and hope you can find what you're looking for. If you read this message and feel like responding, please do! I know there are a lot of lonely souls out there trying to find their place in the world. It would be nice to connect with another one.

[GypsyMuse]

One more thing...it sounds to me like the woman you're talking about has trauma that hasn't been addressed. I know my sometimes inconsistent behavior is caused by a lot of trauma. Sometimes I can be triggered by something seemingly small and it puts me in a negative headspace, and I withdraw from people. You really never know what someone is going through in their own universe. Please consider this and try to be understanding
with her, if you are still in touch. Someone who acts like this sounds like she has a lot of trauma and is reacting to it, not so much you.