Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

tonytohono · Post by **tonytohono** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 10:45 am

<quickly mixing Liquid Drano and Naval Jelly>

Shit, this stuff is already cleaning my sinuses and I have just added both to the beaker. I hope the smoke is a good sign.

Thanks Rob. I have a feeeling this may just work.

Signed, Ready to Bathe in the River Lethe

tisha2 · Post by **tisha2** » Fri Dec 31, 2004 5:55 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:
tisha2 wrote:Dear Rob and Surly...

i am at my mother's.

it is remarkably similar to hell.

please help.

and remember that small children are in my care.

sufferingly,
demon-child

ps - i miss you.
Dear demon-child,

Dante's Inferno is actually quite large and mostly undefined. It is entirely possible, and even quite probable, that you're actually in one of the levels of Hell and are simply unaware of it.

Ask yourself these questions:
1) Does your mother's new hairstyle resemble a pair of smoking horns, covered with the blood and entrails of decadent sinners?
2) Have the new additions to the house included a vast pit of boiling oil with the tortured screams of thousands of lost souls emanating from it?
3) Has she made fruitcake?

If the answer to any of the above questions is 'yes', then you are most probably in hell. At this point the best option is to swallow your pride, contact Ozzy Osbourne, and tell him you think his daughter has an awesome singing voice (flattery works well, regardless of how repulsive it is). Then ask to be summoned forth via your standard Black Mass.

You will end up in Hollywood. When you first get there, you won't understand anything that Ozzy is saying. That's OK, nobody has for the last decade. Simply pour whatever cleaning supplies you've salvaged from your mother's house into a frosty glass and give it to him. While he's looking for a chaser, exit the house.

Satanically yours,
Evil Rob

thank you, thank you, oh... thank you!!! couldn't get a hold of Ozzy, but the laughs made it all bearable!! and i think he's supposed to be at Stuart's party, anyway...

i'll pay fer yer services anytime, baby...

happy new year, sweets!

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Jan 03, 2005 8:16 am

tonytohono wrote:Dear Surly,

Once the slate is clean, what do you recommend I start filling in the open space with, and do you prefer colored chalk, or white?

Signed, Ready to Burn

Dear Ready:

I would recommend straight up chunky shit (vomit works in a pinch) except that with a slate like yours no one will be able to tell the difference.

Next?

Mercilessly,
Surly

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Jan 03, 2005 8:19 am

tisha2 wrote:Dear Rob and Surly...

i am at my mother's.

it is remarkably similar to hell.

please help.

and remember that small children are in my care.

sufferingly,
demon-child

ps - i miss you.

Dear Demon-child:

Now that you are no longer 'at your mother's' i suspect that you still feel like you are in hell. This is a fine indication that hell has nothing whatsoever to do with your mother, but with you instead. Just in case it's your children, kill them (slowly and painfully) before proceeding. If you still feel that you are in hell, try long needles inserted through your ears.

Thoroughly,
Surly

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:46 pm

Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart:

I'm wondering if you know the best way to, like, bury a thread that is really super duper annoying. I mean, like, if someone kept just posting their songs or poetry or something... sort of, like, promoting themselves, well, what would you do?

hey! That's kinda catchy! I think I'll make little bracelets that say W.W.E.R.A.S.T.D? on them and, like, give them out at my high school and stuff! Kewl!

Anyway, thanks a bunch, and, like, stay kewl and stuff!

Peace,

Annoyed One

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Tue Jan 04, 2005 9:56 pm

...but I like my self-promoting threads!

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:54 am

Oh, NAVAL jelly ... for a minute I thought it was NAVEL jelly and I was wondering if it was related to toe jam.

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:33 am

Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart-

I know someone who reacts poorly to the words "midget porn". She's so sweet about it. Is there anything I can do to help her?

-Tryin To Be Helpful

(It's just that we love her.)

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 11:17 am

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart-

I know someone who reacts poorly to the words "midget porn". She's so sweet about it. Is there anything I can do to help her?

-Tryin To Be Helpful

(It's just that we love her.)

Dear Trying,

It's just that your friend has not yet found the revolutionary spirit. She needs to be exposed to midget porn until she no longer sees midgets as different from herself or porn as disgusting.

The best way to do this is to
1) cover her home with stills taken from the videos
2) order her some more videos online
3) arrange for her to star in the next video.

Should you live to make it though these three steps, her outlook will have changed dramatically.

(Add sleep dep as needed.)

Correctively,
Surly

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 11:18 am

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart:

I'm wondering if you know the best way to, like, bury a thread that is really super duper annoying. I mean, like, if someone kept just posting their songs or poetry or something... sort of, like, promoting themselves, well, what would you do?

hey! That's kinda catchy! I think I'll make little bracelets that say W.W.E.R.A.S.T.D? on them and, like, give them out at my high school and stuff! Kewl!

Anyway, thanks a bunch, and, like, stay kewl and stuff!

Peace,

Annoyed One

Dear Annoyed,

Just post to the thread. It's soooo kewl.

Blondly,
Surly

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 11:32 am

GuinivereElise wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart:

I'm wondering if you know the best way to, like, bury a thread that is really super duper annoying. I mean, like, if someone kept just posting their songs or poetry or something... sort of, like, promoting themselves, well, what would you do?

Dear Annoyed One,

The reason that the thread is not staying buried is because you are not burying it properly. Bring the thread that annoys you up onto your laptop screen. Place laptop in a 6 foot hole. Place a lot of dirt on top of it.

If you are interested in seeing the other threads, place yourself in the hole with the laptop. Have a friend place a lot of dirt on top of you.

GuinivereElise wrote: hey! That's kinda catchy! I think I'll make little bracelets that say W.W.E.R.A.S.T.D? on them and, like, give them out at my high school and stuff! Kewl!

Anyway, thanks a bunch, and, like, stay kewl and stuff!

Dear Annoyed One,

After reading this, I want to ammend my previous statement. Make the hole 12 feet deep and make sure to have someone place a lot of dirt on top. Make sure you are in the hole so you can see this thread.

GuinivereElise wrote: Peace,

Annoyed One

Dear Annoyed One,

After reading this, I want to further amend my previous statement. make the hole 12 feet deep, make sure to be in the hole, bring all your fucking Grateful Dead CDs with you, and make sure to have someone pour a slab over the 'thread burying' proceedure.

Zombily yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 11:48 am

CoworkerLurker wrote:Dear Evil Rob and Surly Tart-

I know someone who reacts poorly to the words "midget porn". She's so sweet about it. Is there anything I can do to help her?

-Tryin To Be Helpful

(It's just that we love her.)

Dear TTBH,

She obviously has deep rooted childhood issues and repeated mentioning of midget porn could cause severe truama. Any type of desensitivity training would require the utmost care to prevent a fragile ego from being crushed.

I, however, do not give a shit. Let's fuck with her head instead.

Buy the largest strap-on you can find. Make sure its flesh colored. Hire a midget to wear it and jump out of her closet at night, right before she goes to sleep. When she faints, place her in bed and clean up the house. She will think she's been having bad dreams. Place a taped loop of the Wizard of Oz in the basement and rewire her TV to only play that. Rig it to a remote control switch so that if anyone comes over, you can set it to become a normal TV again.

After a couple weeks of this, suddenly stop. Then every day when she goes to work, enter her house with a belt sander. Sand all of her shoes and furniture 1/8 inch shorter each day. Whenever you see her, make sure to look at her funny and remark, "Hmm... I can't help but notice- uhm... you seem to be shrinking. Are you OK?"

Smallishly,
Evil Rob

CoworkerLurker · Post by **CoworkerLurker** » Wed Jan 05, 2005 5:08 pm

Rob the Wop wrote:Dear TTBH,

...

Smallishly,
Evil Rob

Thank you! I knew you'd know the right thing to do!

It's so good to have a clear direction! Liberating.

I have so many plans to make! Follow the yellow brick road!

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 8:31 am

Dear asshats,

Clearly you are all bumbling idiots, trying to make your way through your sorry, pitiful lives without the indispensable advice that only Evil and Surly can give.

May you all rot in your own person versions of a putrid, tortuous hell for allowing this thread to die.

Damningly yours,
Surly

GuinivereElise · Post by **GuinivereElise** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 8:41 am

Hey, I resurrected it last time, oh damning one...

I can rightfully cliam "not it".

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 8:49 am

Dear Surly Tart,

My asshat doesn't seem to fit... it keeps slipping down over my ears and covering my eyes, making it difficut to drive. What should I do?

Pinhead

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 9:08 am

samtzu wrote:Dear Surly Tart,

My asshat doesn't seem to fit... it keeps slipping down over my ears and covering my eyes, making it difficut to drive. What should I do?

Pinhead

Dear Pinhead,

Clearly you need a new mold for your asshat. You can do this by inserting your head into your rectum, if it isn't already there. Please make sure you've eaten heartily several hours before and not excreted since. It's better to eat smelly things, or very spicy things. Feel the burn.

If you are not flexible enough to fit your pinhead into your rectum, you may have to detach it first.

Aritstically,
Surly

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 12:13 pm

samtzu wrote:Dear Surly Tart,

My asshat doesn't seem to fit... it keeps slipping down over my ears and covering my eyes, making it difficut to drive. What should I do?

Pinhead

Dear Pinhead,

Let me help SurlyTart in this endevour. I have many hats and can say that an improperly fitting hat can oftentimes cause problems. This sounds like a simple case of getting the correct fitting for your asshat.

Start by covering your head in vaseline. Find as many assholes as you can concentrated in one area. Some obvious choices are the Oregon Citizen's Alliance or the Oregon Bar Association. Start placing your head in as many anuses (anusi?) as you can until you find one that fits. Bring this asshole with you to a good plastic surgeon and have your anus sized to match.

Bottom's up,
Evil Rob

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 12:18 pm

Thanks for the advice, you two. I will pull my head from my own ass and check out some of the asses around here first... then move on to the downtown crowd. There are enough asses here in Portland that I'm sure to find a good fit!

Pinhead

bullD · Post by **bullD** » Sat Jan 15, 2005 11:27 am

dear ST and ER:

I have this recurring nightmare that includes the two of you. In this dream there are flying monkeys, a pretty girly, a little ugly dog, a cowardly dumbass lion, a tin cup man, a funny straw covered man, a fine mutha of a good witch, and an un-wise wizard. The dream is all fun and games until this disturbing scene that has you ST, an evil witch dressed in some revealing dominatrix gear, smacking around and having your way with hundreds of dwarf ER's who are in some sort of perpetual painful climax.

Why am I having this nightmare and why do I fantasize about the pretty girly, the fine mutha of a good witch, and the little ugly doggy?

Sincerely,

me love you long time

Kristines · Post by **Kristines** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 1:39 pm

Help. I need help on these. I asked for help in the bar but they were all a little too inebriated to help and pointed me here. Help.

What can I do about?

* procrastinating
* giving a shit
* feeling like this makes any sense.
* getting some volunteer work done.
* what is for dinner?
* when will a 3 year-10.5 month boy stop shitting his pants?
* How does one recover from three consecutive days of late nights, wild play and karaoke? <--- seems most important now ...
* How do I get my house clean before the house cleaners come? (Pathetic, I know, but you would NOT want to invite even a cleaning crew in after my pack of rabid children -- and me -- (not geeky) churn up the place over a weekend.
* Where is my daughter's library book?
* For that matter, what happened to the screw Geekster lost when he was trying to fix the electric can opener?
* Did the dog pee in the front room again? (He thoroughly enjoyed peeing on the Christmas tree, but now that's out of the living room -- not out of our lives [it's on the front lawn]), but it still smells in there.
* Will my older son get expelled from school for video taping him and his friends pulling pranks -- like tossing a microwave oven, a PC monitor, a bottle of pickle juice and oatmeal -- off the bleachers? Oh yeah, and for letting his friend video some stuff like him (my son) getting beat up after taunting and annoying a person who just *didn't get* his sense of humor)?
* When will I next get laid?
* What will get rid of this malaise, short of a latte run?

Thanks in advance.

Kristine

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:00 pm

bullD wrote:dear ST and ER:

I have this recurring nightmare that includes the two of you. In this dream there are flying monkeys, a pretty girly, a little ugly dog, a cowardly dumbass lion, a tin cup man, a funny straw covered man, a fine mutha of a good witch, and an un-wise wizard. The dream is all fun and games until this disturbing scene that has you ST, an evil witch dressed in some revealing dominatrix gear, smacking around and having your way with hundreds of dwarf ER's who are in some sort of perpetual painful climax.

Why am I having this nightmare and why do I fantasize about the pretty girly, the fine mutha of a good witch, and the little ugly doggy?

Sincerely,

me love you long time

Dear Long Time,

Clearly you must have seen photos from SeaCompression. It looked very much like this. The handcuffs are waiting for your visit to Seattle, in fact. It's true, evil rob brought his brothers with him. It's true what he says - he is the runt of the family.

You think about the pretty girly (Samtzu) because you've heard so much about pretty girly's phallic member. It's probably some freudian thing. The dog, of course, is your mind's representative of a sheep. And the good witch is actually because you can't rationally deal with the fact that you want me, the evil dominatrix villain.

I suggest a strip club for treatment, followed by a trip to the countryside (preferrably Wyoming, where the sheep population is high), and a jaunt to visit Samtzu and his son in Portland.

May your every dream be fulfilled.

Villainously,
SurlyTart

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:08 pm

Dear LongWinded and Confused One,

Let me begin with answering a few of your questions. The rest will have to wait until i feel like it.

Your young son is still at the age when he emulates you. As he is not yet at the age of rebelliousness, you can guess that since you cite a need to do something abot giving a shit, then he must be following your example. Once you find the missing screw, insert it into your anus to stop the shitting. Your son will follow your example.

Of course, if the problem is that you are NOT giving a shit and he is simply trying to make up for your shortcomings, you might try looking to see if the screw is the blockage in question.

Exemploraly,
Surly

Kristines · Post by **Kristines** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 2:16 pm

Rian Jackson wrote:Dear LongWinded and Confused One,

Let me begin with answering a few of your questions. The rest will have to wait until i feel like it.

Thank you, o surly one. Any of your truly patient and loving words will be much appreciated. You have such a knack for saying exactly the right thing.

Kristine

(Note to Geekster: The screw is not in my anus. Better sweep again.)

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 3:34 pm

Dear Many Questions,

I'm glad you are patiently continuing your quest for enlightenment. In the interest of continuing to link your problems in an artful, cohesive solution, let me suggest the following:

Return the Christmas tree to the room. This will answer the question of whether the dog is still peeing there, as he'll simply begin again (or continue, as the case may be).

Set up plans for a sexual liason with someone from the cleaning company who has little respect for a woman with a messy house. Getting laid will be the motivation for the cleaning. Then, after the initial cleaning is finished, pay the cleaner with sexual favours.

Unifyingly,
Surly

Kristines · Post by **Kristines** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:29 pm

Rian Jackson wrote: Set up plans for a sexual liason with someone from the cleaning company who has little respect for a woman with a messy house. Getting laid will be the motivation for the cleaning. Then, after the initial cleaning is finished, pay the cleaner with sexual favours.

You available for the job, sweetie? We could provide housing for the right "live-in" nanny/helper ... And favors, oh yeah, lots of favors ...

Kristine

samtzu · Post by **samtzu** » Tue Jan 18, 2005 4:36 pm

Kristines wrote:
Rian Jackson wrote: Set up plans for a sexual liason with someone from the cleaning company who has little respect for a woman with a messy house. Getting laid will be the motivation for the cleaning. Then, after the initial cleaning is finished, pay the cleaner with sexual favours.

You available for the job, sweetie? We could provide housing for the right "live-in" nanny/helper ... And favors, oh yeah, lots of favors ...

Kristine

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 8:57 am

bullD wrote:dear ST and ER:

I have this recurring nightmare that includes the two of you. In this dream there are flying monkeys, a pretty girly, a little ugly dog, a cowardly dumbass lion, a tin cup man, a funny straw covered man, a fine mutha of a good witch, and an un-wise wizard. The dream is all fun and games until this disturbing scene that has you ST, an evil witch dressed in some revealing dominatrix gear, smacking around and having your way with hundreds of dwarf ER's who are in some sort of perpetual painful climax.

Why am I having this nightmare and why do I fantasize about the pretty girly, the fine mutha of a good witch, and the little ugly doggy?

Sincerely,

me love you long time

Dear MLYLL,

I have had many years of dream anaylsis training, so I will now put this to use for you.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!

Seriously dude, you are one messed up individual. The best thing for you to do at this point is kill yourself before your eventual downward spiral into insanity, where you will eventually be shot by awaiting policemen while trying to explain why you are raping choir boys with a weedwhacker.

Or you can become a Catholic priest.

Or enter politics.

Freudially yours,
Evil Rob

Rob the Wop · Post by **Rob the Wop** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:22 am

Kristines wrote:Help. I need help on these. I asked for help in the bar but they were all a little too inebriated to help and pointed me here. Help.

What can I do about?

* procrastinating
* giving a shit
* feeling like this makes any sense.
* getting some volunteer work done.
* what is for dinner?
* when will a 3 year-10.5 month boy stop shitting his pants?
* How does one recover from three consecutive days of late nights, wild play and karaoke? <--- seems most important now ...
* How do I get my house clean before the house cleaners come? (Pathetic, I know, but you would NOT want to invite even a cleaning crew in after my pack of rabid children -- and me -- (not geeky) churn up the place over a weekend.
* Where is my daughter's library book?
* For that matter, what happened to the screw Geekster lost when he was trying to fix the electric can opener?
* Did the dog pee in the front room again? (He thoroughly enjoyed peeing on the Christmas tree, but now that's out of the living room -- not out of our lives [it's on the front lawn]), but it still smells in there.
* Will my older son get expelled from school for video taping him and his friends pulling pranks -- like tossing a microwave oven, a PC monitor, a bottle of pickle juice and oatmeal -- off the bleachers? Oh yeah, and for letting his friend video some stuff like him (my son) getting beat up after taunting and annoying a person who just *didn't get* his sense of humor)?
* When will I next get laid?
* What will get rid of this malaise, short of a latte run?

Thanks in advance.

Kristine

Dear Kristine,

Jeez are you a whiner. <sigh> Alright, lets start at the top.

* procrastinating -take care of this one later
* giving a shit -make sure to wipe front to back from now on
* feeling like this makes any sense. -it doesn't, primarily because you're a serious wack job
* getting some volunteer work done. -the guy in the dayglo yellow suit, fur coat, platform shoes with gold teeth is not a charity worker. Get off the street corner, dumbass.
* what is for dinner? -3year-10.5 month, shit covered, young boys
* when will a 3 year-10.5 month boy stop shitting his pants? -irrelevant, see above
* How does one recover from three consecutive days of late nights, wild play and karaoke? <--- seems most important now ... -you, or the people subjected to your singing? You- anal sex with a cucumber. Them- lobotomy is about the only thing with the power to erase the horrors you've caused.
* How do I get my house clean before the house cleaners come? (Pathetic, I know, but you would NOT want to invite even a cleaning crew in after my pack of rabid children -- and me -- (not geeky) churn up the place over a weekend. -houses are like Kleenex, just move into a new clean one. It's your job as a consumer based American.
* Where is my daughter's library book? -stuck in the rotting corpse of her last victim
* For that matter, what happened to the screw Geekster lost when he was trying to fix the electric can opener? -stuck in the rotting corpse of his last victim
* Did the dog pee in the front room again? (He thoroughly enjoyed peeing on the Christmas tree, but now that's out of the living room -- not out of our lives [it's on the front lawn]), but it still smells in there. -no you ditz, that smell is coming from the basement. Don't ask your daughter or Geekster about it. They become uncomfortable.
* Will my older son get expelled from school for video taping him and his friends pulling pranks -- like tossing a microwave oven, a PC monitor, a bottle of pickle juice and oatmeal -- off the bleachers? Oh yeah, and for letting his friend video some stuff like him (my son) getting beat up after taunting and annoying a person who just *didn't get* his sense of humor)? -that's not the videotape that will get him expelled. Ask him to show you the videotape of his 'experimental phase' with animals.
* When will I next get laid? -when is your next trip to the produce department?
* What will get rid of this malaise, short of a latte run? -the eventuality of Death

Ad nauseumly yours,
Evil Rob

bullD · Post by **bullD** » Wed Jan 19, 2005 9:54 am

Rian Jackson wrote:
bullD wrote:dear ST and ER:

I have this recurring nightmare that includes the two of you. In this dream there are flying monkeys, a pretty girly, a little ugly dog, a cowardly dumbass lion, a tin cup man, a funny straw covered man, a fine mutha of a good witch, and an un-wise wizard. The dream is all fun and games until this disturbing scene that has you ST, an evil witch dressed in some revealing dominatrix gear, smacking around and having your way with hundreds of dwarf ER's who are in some sort of perpetual painful climax.

Why am I having this nightmare and why do I fantasize about the pretty girly, the fine mutha of a good witch, and the little ugly doggy?

Sincerely,

me love you long time
Dear Long Time,

Clearly you must have seen photos from SeaCompression. It looked very much like this. The handcuffs are waiting for your visit to Seattle, in fact. It's true, evil rob brought his brothers with him. It's true what he says - he is the runt of the family.

You think about the pretty girly (Samtzu) because you've heard so much about pretty girly's phallic member. It's probably some freudian thing. The dog, of course, is your mind's representative of a sheep. And the good witch is actually because you can't rationally deal with the fact that you want me, the evil dominatrix villain.

I suggest a strip club for treatment, followed by a trip to the countryside (preferrably Wyoming, where the sheep population is high), and a jaunt to visit Samtzu and his son in Portland.

May your every dream be fulfilled.

Villainously,
SurlyTart

Dear Surly One,

I am sad to say no, I have not seen SeaCompression photos. This worries me. Is there some strange channeling going on here? If so, do I unconciously ask for it or simply have no choice in the matter as I have been chosen for some greater or lesser purpose? Perhaps a point in the right direction for said photos will help in my exercising this potentially hazardous issue. Shit, even your wise and talented partner thinks I should kill myself,, or become a catholic priest and/or politician which I think refers to death in some way (am I seeing a plot here?).

It is true, pretty girly does grossly over mention her/his phallic member. Nice call on that btw. However, I have heard that excessive phallic member speak is simply compensation for lack-there-of of member, is this true?

Do you think a sheep shearing establishment would suffice for both the strip club and trip to the countryside?

Does a Seattle trip automatically mean handcuff implementation and would that be part of a therapy package?

If evil represents maleficence, why do I have an affinity for the evil witch?

Sincerely,

open can of worms

Dear Evil Rob and SurlyTart,

Help me Rob and Surly

Re: Help me Rob and Surly