your stupid joke here

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 12:13 pm

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 12:35 am

rice as Sec of State..............the little imputed integrity twerp torturer hate merchant wonk uncle tomasina brown nose sex dead soldier killer....
whewwwww....................

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:09 am

There were two teams of telephone pole installers. A team of Americans
and a team of Newfies. Their supervisor went up to them and said, “I’m
sorry to say this, but we’ve had budget cuts and one team has to go. For
the next three days we’re going to have a contest. The team that installs
the most poles stays and the other one goes.” At the end of the first day
both teams went to their supervisor and reported their numbers. The
American team put in 20 and the Newfies, 15. At the end of the second
day the Americans had put in 45 and the Newfies had only put in 30. On
the third and final day the Americans put in 50 poles and the Newfies got
35 in. Their supervisor went up to them and said, “Well I’m sorry to be
the one to do this but the American team got more poles in so you
Newfies have to go.” The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one
of them said, “No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!”

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:21 am

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over
and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to
her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and
quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note
read:"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, $1 million in liquid assets and 9 inches in your pants."

WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her
and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my
garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would
I cut off 3 inches! Send the bottle back."

Kristines · Post by **Kristines** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 1:04 pm

geekster wrote:The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one
of them said, “No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!”

I'm *guessing* this is a double entendre? I'm missing it here.

Kristine, who is probably just too into work; you all know how I love work

theCryptofishist · Post by **theCryptofishist** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 3:16 pm

I missed it too, Kristine.

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Thu Jan 20, 2005 3:47 pm

Kristines wrote:
geekster wrote:The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one
of them said, “No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!”
I'm *guessing* this is a double entendre? I'm missing it here.

Kristine, who is probably just too into work; you all know how I love work

Uhm ... the newfies were digging a hole as deep as the pole thereby burying it. That takes more work. The Americans were setting half the pole in the hole, which is how it is done.

Kristines · Post by **Kristines** » Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:55 am

geekster wrote:
Uhm ... the newfies were digging a hole as deep as the pole thereby burying it. That takes more work. The Americans were setting half the pole in the hole, which is how it is done.

Oh, I get it. Your joke REALLY fits this category, eh?
:wink:

Kristine, who is very funny, but then again, looks aren't everything.

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:30 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Aleve is known as Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a powerbeverage suitable for use as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

Martiansky · Post by **Martiansky** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 3:38 pm

Donita!!

ROTFLMAO!!!

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:39 pm

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time..
Lets say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
Its almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Martiansky · Post by **Martiansky** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:53 pm

You're killin' me Donita!!

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 4:57 pm

Cool.

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 5:03 pm

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was . . . God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

ThePikey · Post by **ThePikey** » Tue Feb 01, 2005 5:11 pm

Two guys are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking it's balls.

First guy says "Man, I wish *I* could do that!"

Second guy says "Eh, go ahead. But I'd pet him on the head first to see if he likes you first..."

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:25 am

Why do ducks have flat feet?

For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

For stamping out flaming ducks.

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:28 am

How are an elephant and a banana just alike?
They are both yellow . . . . uh . . . . Except for the elephant, of course.

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
Look! A herd of elephants coming over the hill!

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
Look! A bunch of bananas coming over the hill!
(Jane was color-blind.)

Why do elephants travel in herds?
Because if they traveled in flocks, it would confuse the sheepdogs.

Why do elephants walk on four feet?
Because if they flew, you could never keep your car clean.

geekster · Post by **geekster** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:30 am

How do you get three elephants in a taxi?

One in the front next to the driver, and two in the back.

How do you know there is an elephant in your house?

There's a taxi outside with two impatient elephants.

How do you know there is an elephant in your refrigerator?

There's a taxi outside it with two impatient elephants.

And what if you don't notice the taxi?

There are footprints in the butter.

How do you get an elephant into the refrigerator?

Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.

How do you get two elephants in the refrigerator?

Open the door, put in the first elephant, then put in the second elephant,
then close the door.

How do you get six elephants in the refrigerator?

Put three elephants in a taxi, put three elephants in another taxi, then put the two taxis in the fridge.

Why are there so many elephants running loose in Africa?

Not enough refrigerators.

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Wed Feb 02, 2005 7:41 am

tonight's state of the dis-union speech...

ThePikey · Post by **ThePikey** » Thu Feb 03, 2005 12:45 pm

Two guys are walking down the street when they see two dogs humping away on someone's front yard.

First guy says, "Man, I'd like to be able to do my wife like that."

Second guy tells him, "Nothing to it pal. Just split a twelver between the two of you, she'll be good to go however you like it."

Couple days later they meet again. Second guy asks, "So, you get a chance to try it out?"

First guy responds, "Well, we split a twelver of Old Mil, and she was willing to get in that position. But it took a fifth of vodka on top of that to get her to do it in the neighbor's front yard."

cowboyangel · Post by **cowboyangel** » Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:24 pm

It didn't take me long to figure out on which thread to place this piece of spam.

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:30 pm

A VALENTINE POEM

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those fire ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Mon Feb 07, 2005 8:36 pm

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 10:35 am

Playing with these old propaganda posters. The canadian posters are funny..they're all so polite. This one was too great to pass without comment, though. All I added was the flag. The sexual innuendo was already there.

Fat SAM · Post by **Fat SAM** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 5:52 pm

Did you hear about that new radio single by the scottish Rolling Stones cover band?

It's called "Hey Mcleod, Get off My Ewe.

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 6:04 pm

Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

ThePikey · Post by **ThePikey** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 6:13 pm

Why is Chicago the Windy City?

Because Iowa blows and Indiana sucks.

Donita · Post by **Donita** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 6:19 pm

What do you call a cat on a beach?

Sandy Claws.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Thu Feb 10, 2005 11:24 am

ThePikey · Post by **ThePikey** » Thu Feb 10, 2005 11:42 am

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

(oops, gotta go.... brb w the answer...)