The culture of compliment

[ZaphodBurner]

One of the things that struck me about Burning Man people last year, which was my first, is the lack of reservation with regard to expressing compliment. I think for some virgin burners, especially women, this might be intimidating at first.

Sadly, after the KILLER Mutaytor show in Portland on Friday, Matty came off the stage and thanked me and my fellow Zaphod mates for coming out. He introduced himself, shook our hands, chatted at usfor a minute and we just stood there looking at him like complete morons until he moved on to the next people. Mostly, we just stood there 'cause we were completely blastificated, and blown away by their set, but also, we just aren't used to that at that venue.

I had a BM04 flashback as I cussed myself out on the way back to the van. It caused me to remember the same dawning lowness I felt last year after "getting it"...the guy from LA who looked at me and said "Nice wreath!" What was I supposed to say? It's nothing fancy, just a gold-dipped olive wreath. Why? What? What's he getting at? WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?! ...When somebody said "I really dig your sarong..." Why? It's cheap-ass remnant cloth from some amount of years ago.

This attitude came around again at the Decompression when people wanted to twirl my staff, etc. It's not a staff, it's a curtain rod wrapped in ElWire. Why do you want to twirl IT? I mean, of course you can, but, what's so special about IT?

I didn't get it, then I got it, then, for a moment on Friday, I forgot it.

I'm used to going out after a gig and having people go "DUDE YOUR BAND FUCKING ROCKS MAN!" when there's no energy left to do more than smile sheepishly and say thanks, but that's 'cause I just played. Or, they want something. Otherwise, people just shuffle around, size each other up, the girls look at the other girls and decide they must be skanks or something...

People seem to be uncomfortable expressing compliment to complete strangers.

I appreciate the amazing subset of the people of Black Rock who have destroyed the social barriers that cause people to distrust compliment or who, because of their own environnment or issues, fear showing appreciation to random people.

Thanks to Matty, Mutaytor and the enlightened people of the playa who have reminded me that complimenting strangers or showing appreciation in public doesn't mean you're trying to manipulate them.

I don't think I'm expressing myself accurately here. In any case, succeed at what you want to do, live well and continue to amaze people. Thanks.

\v|v/
-gatt
Zaphod
3:30/Amnesia
http://www.zaphodburns2005.org

[EvilDustBooger]

I think you expressed yourself very nicely.
Thank You.

[Chai Guy]

Nice post.

And remember, when someone at Burning Man approaches you to say that "Today, your aura is purple with green dinosaurs", thank them for the lovely compliment.

[HughMungus]

Tell me about it. I say "hi" or "hey" to semi-strangers all the time (neighbors, co-workers I don't know well, etc.). I'm sure half of the men think I'm gay and half of the women think I'm hitting on them. The other half is enough for me. One of the more fun social experiments lately has been introducing people at the dog park to each other. "Hey so and so do you know so and so." I always think, "Either they'll be annoyed and forget it or they'll make a new friend. Either way, I've done what I can to make the world at least slightly better."

[blyslv]

Dah-link you look fabulous.

Of course, so do I! We all look totally fabulous.

For a month after I come back I'll randomly copmpliment people I meet, strangers, co-workers whatever. Most seem surprised and shocked. Some smile.

[robotland]

It used to drive me crazy that my workmates would always approach me in the breakroom and say, "Boy, that smells/looks good!" about whatever cheap can of Spaghetti-os or can of tuna I was lunching on, but nobody ever commented on the artworks that I'd bring in and hang up around the Center....Until it occurred to me that most people lack a context in which to remark about art without being afraid that they sound foolish or naive. I take ZB's observations to heart, and often question peoples' motives for paying compliments. It's yet another wonderful thing about BRC that you're as likely to be complimented on the dinosaurs in your aura (!) as you are your choice of Dinty versus Campbell's....

[HughMungus]

It used to drive me crazy that my workmates would always approach me in the breakroom and say, "Boy, that smells/looks good!" about whatever cheap can of Spaghetti-os or can of tuna I was lunching on, but nobody ever commented on the artworks that I'd bring in and hang up around the Center....Until it occurred to me that most people lack a context in which to remark about art without being afraid that they sound foolish or naive. I take ZB's observations to heart, and often question peoples' motives for paying compliments. It's yet another wonderful thing about BRC that you're as likely to be complimented on the dinosaurs in your aura (!) as you are your choice of Dinty versus Campbell's....

God that used to drive me crazy. "What are you eating?" NOW people I work with know that when I eat, I eat and I read the newspaper. If they try to talk to me while I'm eating, I pick up the newspaper and hold it between us until they leave. :D

[blyslv]

I just coplimented a person at the coffee shop on her boots. Pink suede, mid-calf, they looked good. I think she thought I was hitting on her, and hoepfully she was suprised when I got my two shots and just left.

[Dr. Pyro]

opps, double post.

[Dr. Pyro]

I think you mean "relieved".

[NEXUS]

Nice post. I heard somewhere there was a time when greeting a stranger on the street with a smile and a nod was automatic and accepted without the need to question its meaning or consider the existence of an alternate motive. What's happened to us? We live in compact suburbs that draw us closer together yet we have never been further apart. How many of us really know our neighbors or bother to even care. Perhaps this shin-dig in the desert may allow us to reflect on this and demand better, drop our issues, pre-conceptions and consider what it is to just be real and live in the moment.

[ZaphodBurner]

What's happened to us?

In "A Turn to the South", author VS Naipaul postulates that the advent of air conditioning has led to the decline of society.

The southern anecdote stems back to sultry evenings and screened in porches, kids playing in the small yards, neighborhoods of people forced by heat to sit outside on the porch, in constant view and familiarity with the others on their street.

When air conditioning (and television) drew people inside for comfort, people became less comfortable socially. That's what he says, anyway.

By the early 1980s, young people were beating each other up in clubs for having long hair, or short hair, or wearing the wrong band's T-shirt or the wrong letterman jacket. People became violently cliquish. Now, people don't trust each other and have forgotten how to communicate without being considered fags, freaks, etc.

What come around goes around. We continue to fly our colors and eventually we will win.

-c

[diane o'thirst]

Compliments: why not?

The thing that absolutely struck me when I moved from California to Oregon was the occurence of complete strangers expressing approval of what you're wearing or doing. I'd be standing in line at the grocery store and someone next to me would say, "Nice jeans!" (they had embroidered mirrors along the cuffs).

The other good thing is that I feel free to smile and extend a compliment, no strings attached, when I see something I like. It makes me feel good and usually them, too. Smiles are infectious

[Mister Jellyfish Mister]

I told a woman in an airport yesterday: "I want to compliment you on your purse, even though purses are not my really thing. If they were, I would want one of those." Come to think of it, I would wear that purse at Burning Man so maybe I do want one after all.

[flightless]

I just coplimented a person at the coffee shop on her boots. Pink suede, mid-calf, they looked good. I think she thought I was hitting on her, and hoepfully she was suprised when I got my two shots and just left.

Did you say "Nice boots"?

(In certain Goth circles, that is either rude or hilarious or both, because it is short for "Nice boots! Wanna fuck?")

[gyre]

Is that really true?

[AntiM]

I don't care if it is true or not, I gots me a new shorthand to use with mylarry!

[MikeVDS]

Also remember that a good portion of the time "Fuck You" should be taken as a compliment. If you let all your walls down and none of the negativity will stay in.