Tough on relationships

lovethelife · Post by **lovethelife** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:40 pm

This was my second trip to BRC and I was determined to bring my wife with me this year. We've been together 12 years and I was sure it would be the experience of our lives.

Well it wasn't. It's very difficult to go as a couple because there is so much going on it's hard to be in sync. I wanted to do late nights, she got tired and needed to sleep. Another couple with us didn't have the best time either because she was jealous of the time he spent with other people.

This place is magical for individuals but can really test a relationship. I dream of falling in love with someone who loves BM as much as I do now that I see my wife doesn't appreciate it as much as I do.

I do thank BM for helping me realize that maybe I am looking for somthing more from my partner, and that next year I meet someone new.
sigh

JediDale · Post by **JediDale** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 8:23 pm

Seems to me that BRC is a place where everthing gets amplified. Due to the harsh conditions, synchronicity would be paramount, yet if each one
works to accommodate the other, it will all work out. If someone has a good relationship in the default world, it will be amplified. So will all character flaws. Flip the situation around and think what if something that she would like to do was unbearable for you, would you want her to consider trading you in for a new model?
As far as individuals, no it was not easy for me in some aspects. I was supposed to camp with others who had vehicle problems and had to come later in the week. Hence, they parked elsewheres. So here I am a "single lonely guy", Virgin Burner, surrounded by people I didn't know! Well, despite this fact that I made a few great friends! They were fantastic people, and my next door neighbors all were nice!! I had no sex despite
4 possible prospects, (One who got in my tent late at night and teased me, after I just got done helping the drunk wench look for her lost bike for over an hour!) and I am STILL 3 years into celebacy. As one experienced Burner told me: "There's much more talk about sex than actual action"
This doesn't take a genius to figure out that when you're perhaps (Pick which ones applied to you!) Tired, dusty, sunburnt, dehydrated, hungry,
emotional, that it may be difficult to be in the right frame of mind to be
very entertaining! There is a Playa Princess or Prince for all of us single types, yet I understand now that I need to learn more to filter out the flakes! Hows this spin on the famous Ghandi quote: " Become The Wonderful Person You Seek!"

Genuinely,

Jedi Dale Of Reno

Xavier · Post by **Xavier** » Tue Sep 06, 2005 9:23 pm

Yup. first year I was at BM I was told this. I did meet my current wife at Burning Man and we've done two more burns since then, with minimal issues. Our sex is always better at Burning Man somehow. In any case, I had a friend in another camp who had a major falling out with her ex (they were trying to go as "just friends" and that didn't work out so well), and then a couple in our camp had major drama. A person I really, really cared about just turned into the wicked witch of the playa and got a ride home with another boyfriend. So we wound up taking my other friend. The two bereft burners had a lot to talk about on the way home!!!

Post by **AntiM** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:21 pm

And then there's couples like larry and I; joined at the hip and unable to wander off alone for more than a few hours without missing each other. Sure we bicker, the rare fight lasts minutes and resolves quickly.

I'm not sure how we got there, other than we fit together so well; perhaps because we have to deal with long separations in the default world that when we're together our highest priorities involve the comfort and joy of the other.

ZaphodBurner · Post by **ZaphodBurner** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:40 pm

AntiM wrote:And then there's couples like larry and I; joined at the hip and unable to wander off alone for more than a few hours without missing each other. Sure we bicker, the rare fight lasts minutes and resolves quickly.

I'm not sure how we got there, other than we fit together so well; perhaps because we have to deal with long separations in the default world that when we're together our highest priorities involve the comfort and joy of the other.

Yay, Anti!

We rocked, rolled, loved, laughed, wandered off separately, found each other, made out like prom dates and wore each other out. In fact, we attempted to conceive our first child on the playa. Nature says it didn't happen, but we sure as hell had fun trying. A lot.

The issues I've seen with couples we've camped with who have struggled, are lack of communication, jealousy, differing boundaries, insecurity and lack of teamwork compounded by physical and mental fatique.

Is there a trick? Perhaps it's to bring the issues to the surface, discuss them with deliberate, caring, mutual respect, attempt to understand them, and then fucking BURN THEM!

-c
...and drink lots of water.

JediDale · Post by **JediDale** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:40 pm

You are right on AntiM!!

Obviously, being in a co-dependent relationship where neither has the
emotional savvy to be without the other is toxic! Giving each other space to have a relationship with themselves makes the relationship with the other so much better! AntiM said the most important part: Thinking of how to please the other FIRST!!

(Jedi Dale sends 100 points worth of "The Force" to AntiM for such a fantastic post!!)

Genuinely,

Jedi Dale Of Reno

mars · Post by **mars** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:54 pm

As part of a couple who tends to have more difficulties on the playa than we do at home, I think my biggest challenge is to keep loving my partner when he isn't who I want him to be. We are not the same, we have different moods and different desires and different needs. At home I am better at accepting that. On the playa I think I become more selfish, in a way, and I want hime to be exactly where I am in his moods and desires and when he is not, I get mad. This year, I really practiced letting him be and loving him no matter what. It was better. I still have work to do.

Neon (Mars)

P.S. Does anyone know how to edit/change ones name on this thing? (email me privately)

lovethelife · Post by **lovethelife** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 11:04 pm

Leave it to burners to offer wisdom, insight, and quality caring responses. Another reason I'll go till I can't go no more.

ZaphodBurner I really connected with your response. She's not much of a communicator when it comes to certain feelings and at the least, our trip gave us the space and separation from "real life" to actually work a lot of the feelings out.

How many more days till we go back?

cornelius · Post by **cornelius** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 11:20 pm

Dood, don't break up with your wife because she doesn't like Buring Man, just go Stag. Hell, I'm blessed because my wife went a few times, hated the weather in 2000 and never went back again. She sends me off every year with, "don't sleep with anybody". And I don't, I've graduated to "doing" couples, not sleeping with them. hehehehehehehe

chinook · Post by **chinook** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:05 pm

Regarding the comments from Lovethelife:

[quote]
[size=9]This place is magical for individuals but can really test a relationship. I dream of falling in love with someone who loves BM as much as I do now that I see my wife doesn't appreciate it as much as I do.[/size][/quote]

We attended our first burn this year, 28 years into our marriage. We had an incredible, magical time. We rediscovered the 'us' that had been misplaced over the years by jobs, child-rearing, life, etc. I'm sorry your wife didn't like BM as much as you, but I would have to think that the problems were already there, waiting to surface. The other responders are correct. If your relationship is secure, built on mutual, gut-level trust, and you are each strong enough to be happy, at least for a while, without the other, it is possible to have a good time at BM. I would hope that you are not sincere in your desire to discard your partner of 12 years just because she didn't like BM. As much as some of us love it, it's not for everyone. We have friends that go 'stag' for that reason. You cannot realistically expect a partner to be thrilled about all the same things as you are. My spouse and I each have our own interests/hobbies/passions, as well as things that we enjoy together. We feel that this makes for a more interesting relationship, not a weaker one.

Also, we have found that it always works better to go places (BM or elsewhere) with an open mind and ready to experience the time and place, with minimal expectations. To go with the expectation that you will have the experience of a lifetime only sets you up for failure before you ever arrive.

I hope you find the happiness you are searching for.

domitron · Post by **domitron** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:18 pm

As it turns out my wife and I's anniversary is September 4th, and the man burned on that day this year! We've attended two years now, and while I literally had to drag my wife out there last year, she had the time of her life there, both last and this year. It's the highlight of our year and a wonderful way to spend our anniversaries. Luckily my wife and I aren’t the jealous types, but if that's an issue in your relationship, you'd best stay away since the playa is HOT in more than one way. As for my relationship with my wife, the hot young men and women dancing all around along with the wonderful art and carefree days really spice our love life and appreciation for each other. It’s the most romantic place on earth for us.

Orghua · Post by **Orghua** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 2:59 pm

Xavier wrote: Our sex is always better at Burning Man somehow. ...

Hee hee, ours too … it just might have something to do with gorgeous, fit people strolling around with complete sexual freedom to be the beautiful sexual creatures that Mother Nature intended them to be.

BM can tell you a lot about your relationship. Last year for us was hard, so we paid attention and learned and set out to do things differently this year. This year we put all our focus on each other. We dedicated a lot of time to personal care for each other like massage, helping with each other’s hygiene (like washing each other’s hair) and cooking and cleaning for each other. It was a totally different year, and wonderful. To focus on your partner and their comfort rather than your own makes you forget how uncomfortable you are at times, and brings pleasure to the work aspects of BM. But, it takes mutual commitment and can't work one way. We were like AntiM, not wanting to be apart any more than it took to use the portapotties.

tola · Post by **tola** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:26 pm

I've been single for many years now, by choice. Only at BM do I get the strong urge to be part of a couple. I go with my gay male friend so have excellent company and a warm body to share a lovely comfortable bed with and we take great care of each other, but this year I really felt sad that I wasn't with a gorgeous man. I'd love to meet someone who loves BM as much as I do, but living in London kind of stops me from forming any on-playa relationships because I know I'll be going away at the end of it. Perhaps next year I'll allow myself a lovely playa-romance...
(had a fabulous time anyway, even if I did have to pleasure myself in the Travelodge motel bathroom on the way home... lmao.)

Orghua · Post by **Orghua** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:12 pm

The question of the day is, why did you wait 'til you got to the Travelodge? The Playa is a great spot for self gratification. Hell, why not do it two of three times per day for that matter, find an outstanding piece of art from which to cast your mighty seed to the desert wind. Take care of the one you love the most!

EB · Post by EB » Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:20 pm

Maybe we should start holding the festival at Travelodge.

angelface · Post by **angelface** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:28 pm

My boyfriend and I both went but camped at different camps. It was my 4th burn and his 5th, but our first as a couple. I think this arrangement worked out really well for us, because for both of us a big part of burning man is seeing the people we don't get to see very often, I couldn't imagine camping anywhere except costco and he really needed to have a year on playa with friends from his very first trip to the playa. I think things probably would be different if one of us had brought the other to the playa for the first time.

The thing that really made the week work was that we set aside a night for just the 2 of us, no friends from either camp allowed to tag along. Our date night was amazing, and we have many fond memories to share, but it was nice to have a lot of freedom during the week as well.

It was pretty funny too, we both had the freedom to play a little on the side, and both chose not to.. well, other than the usual make-out fest that camping at costco tends to be

tola · Post by **tola** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 1:50 pm

We had a couple in our camp who bickered and bitched at each other the entire time; which drove the rest of us off the couches! They then broke up on the last day and drove home in a frosty funk. I guess things get hidden in the city when everyone is so busy. Also, the desert strips away everything we use to avoid the truth and you can't just walk away, so anything wrong really comes to the fore. Altho I guess a perfect playa romance could equally be really tested back in town. Who can say.

RebA! · Post by **RebA!** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 2:03 pm

2000 - not married yet just engaged our first playa trip together
2001-married, vow renewal on playa that year
and here it is 2005 and still just as happy.

He likes to sit and relax, I like to go out riding around. As long as we are together during some part of the day, it works for us. If anything these trips to the desert has made our relationship better over the years.

Jimbobwe · Post by **Jimbobwe** » Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:54 am

This year ('05) I brought my girlfreind to the burn. I was super nervous at first. She had never been before. We had already been going out for a year or so. It turned out to be the pinnacle of our relationship. We got along great. We never left each others side. A week after we got back from the burn she asked me to marry her. No needless to say it worked out for me.

regionalchaos · Post by **regionalchaos** » Mon Nov 28, 2005 6:05 pm

chinook wrote:Also, we have found that it always works better to go places (BM or elsewhere) with an open mind and ready to experience the time and place, with minimal expectations. To go with the expectation that you will have the experience of a lifetime only sets you up for failure before you ever arrive.

Bingo. IMHO, this is what it's all about. A good friend of mine once told me that relationships (business, personal, etc..) are all about managing expectations. It seemed right on to me. A lot of times, when people at burning man carry defined, explicit expectations they are sadly disapointed. Burning man is always special and unique, but it never exactly matches anyones expectations. Compounding expectations of or from a significant other with expectations of how the burn should be a recipe for a lousy trip.

I'm planning on spending some time with my gf there next year. I've been stag the last two years. I plan on having a good expectations talk with her before we go, just as heads up (it will be her first burn). Plus, I'm hoping to spend a lot of time down there this year, and she will only be able to come for 3 or 4 days. I think it will be nice though, she'll likely roll in with an RV and I'll already have home set up in a very friendly and welcoming camp!

Mozy bonz · Post by **Mozy bonz** » Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:39 am

Yes… that is the way we think….

No expectations No disappointments

27 years and still counting.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:58 am

I met my wife at the Barbie Death Camp and Wine Bistro. The next night we chatted at the Gender Blender Bar. We got married two years (in 2005) later by good ol' Doc Pyro, who is the sub-Commandante of the BDC&WB.

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:14 pm

That sounds suspeciously like something Hitler would say[/i]

Dr. Pyro · Post by **Dr. Pyro** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:15 pm

That sounds suspeciously like something Hitler would say.

I am the River you saw Ye · Post by **I am the River you saw Ye** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:27 pm

I've been reading some of these great thoughts on this topic. Wow, it's a big one. I've been to the event two years with my partner who is now my ex. Maybe if I had come back to the default world with the better intention of working on the problems that Burningman uncovered in my relationship, I would still be in it. But as so often happens, we both got caught back up in all the details of life. The event gives you the time to put everything else aside and see more clearly then you would otherwise be able to do. When you are being your most honest, your most creative, putting 4th your best efforts and really concentrating on what YOU enjoy the most; you are not compromising or making concessions like you would do @ home. Because you only have a week, you can not put anything on the back burner(so to speak). You just deal with it and move on. Somertimes dealing with it means telling someone to fuck off. "I don't care, sleep with whomever you want!" Sometimes it means drinking some more water, taking a moment to understand the long reaching impact of your statements and spending an afternoon sponging your partner down to save them from heat stroke.
The things I love about her are the things that make her a great burner; those will never change. By finding out about Burningman, by making the effort to go, developing and understanding the underlying ideology, it brought us closer to our true selves and for that I can only be grateful. We'll be going separatly next year but maybe hook up for some great playa sex. No expectations does = no regrets. Alone is not lonly.
I am the River you saw yesterday

SpaceCase · Post by **SpaceCase** » Tue Dec 27, 2005 6:25 pm

Sorry about your experience with your wife.

Mine has been quite different.

My husband and I have gone to Burningman the last two years. The first year, I really wondered if I would have hot sex on the playa, but little did I know that it would be with who I had been married to for 30 years!!!

Something about all the skimpy and less costumes; totally changed environment from day to day existence, and all the emphasis on just having a F'n good time really seemed to get us in the mood.

spaceboy · Post by **spaceboy** » Wed Dec 28, 2005 1:44 pm

My wife and I have a great time at BM. We will be short with eachother, maybe even have a few heated words, during the first day or two. Gotta recompress, ya know... But we get it together and go have a bunch of fun. We stated long ago that as a couple we must respect eachothers desires to do something without the other person. Most of the time, i want to be with my wife cuz she's an amazing partner. I'm really lucky. But sometimes I just want to go out on my own, discover more of the space between my ears. And sometimes she just wants to head over to that dance camp and get lost in the music. And we are OK with that. We are fiercely independent souls who happen to do quite well w/ eachother. It was said before: as long as we spend some part of the day together, we're cool.

However, we have been out to the playa with another couple twice, and we will never go with them (or any other couple, probably) again, cuz all they did was fight and throw tantrums. That brought the whole camp's vibe down. They even made our neighbors concerned and uncomfy. Fuck that shit. I know people will fight. It's INTENSE out there. But I say air out your grievences out by the trash fence. Take it out on eachother in the Thunderdome. Cry yourselves silly at the Temple burn. Just remember your bickering may be causing stress to your campmates and neighbors.

Playa sex rules. Especially if you're partner's there!

--S--

PrincessCharming · Post by **PrincessCharming** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 3:59 am

Brace yourselves, long post comin up... AntieM, sounds like you have an amazing relationship!

My girl and I are a year in, and we burned last year (my 2nd, her 1st) with her mom and a few others. She and I were inseparable, and had the best time.. Just sadly lacked enough privacy for all the things we wanted to do to each other. Our "alone" time was often spent during our forays onto the playa, where we had a hard time staying out of each other's arms, and would get so caught up in each other that we'd forget the world around us and slip into a serious love vibe..

I had wondered if any of the souls we'd meet on the playa would tempt one of us away. I confess to having a few long moments of registering the beauty of this very tall, African-American woman with this smile, and these incredible eyes that I saw. Well she saw me too and looked a little sad to see that I was dancing with my partner. She was dancing with a friend, and you know when you just kind of get struck by someone's energy, combined with that 'omigosh, s/he is so hot and adorable at the same time' kind of instant thought reaction? Well, I'm bisexual, and it does happen to me occasionally, but rarely enough that I don't know quite what to do when it does (when I'm in a relationship). And what I did on this evening was feel attracted, then conflicted and concerned about hurting my girl's feelings.. so I pretended that I hadn't noticed this woman's loveliness or felt any wish to interact*** with her. This kinda bugs me..

I used to wonder if I was "polyamorous", and was pretty sexually liberated earlier in life, but now, I know I'm in love with my girl.. we want to get married and have kids.. I guess feelings of attraction are just normal.. it's how we choose to deal with them..? I don't want to pretend they're not there, that feels like selling out on something, or being dishonest. I guess the challenge is in finding a way to express them honestly while not making any messes, hurting feelings, or leading anybody on (or "acting on them"). No way could I "go stag" and have her think we're monogamous.. that's just bad karma if you ask me.

I get hit on by guys a fair bit, and I know she has a hard time with that, so what effect would this have? It's possible she had a similar moment or two.. I think maybe what I need to do is have an honest chat with her about it before we go, but I would appreciate any thoughts or feedback. She's very smart and sensitive, chances are she registered my registering anyway, and we could have had a good talk about it. I guess I felt sort of sheepish about it too, maybe didn't want to look bad either.. but pretending seems silly. We both have sort of irrational fears about losing the other sometimes, but we're solid, we're damn lucky, and we know it.

***i.e. TALK with her and maybe dance with her, not hop in the sack, you perverts.. But, am I fooling myself in thinking there's no harm in talking or dancing with someone you've felt attracted to? I guess it depends on what your context or intent is? Aargh..

Post by **AntiM** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:20 am

Coming up on my 19th anniversary next week.

playa relationship story:
2004 was my bad year, just out of radiation, blah blah blah, felt ugly and disfigured and fat and sick. I spent lots of downtime in front of the swamp cooler at Totem. Larry was in the foyer making snowcones and met an incredbile girl from canada. She backed off when she found out he had a SO; but he wore the necklace she gave him for a year and a half before it disintegrated. He still goes on about her amazing hazel eyes ... but he never went anywhere with it.

He could have easily slipped away from me and spent time with her, hell, he could have dumped me for her; at half my age and half my size I wonder if he was tempted. But he stuck with me. I'm just glad he can appreciate lovely women, makes him love me all the more. Does that make sense?

loco · Post by **loco** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:35 pm

I am lost in time, I vividly remember seeing “news events” about BM on the beach in SF. I recall with great detail the move to the desert. Every year I would fill with lust when reading about the BM event. My husband at that time would never consider attending even if I begged. Thank gawd he is an ex. I am shooting for 2006 as I have an art glass thang happening this Labor Day that I am unwilling and unable to forgo.

My concern is my wonderful husband. I introduced him to camping; I guess this is not a common occurrence in the UK where he grew up. I know he enjoys camping in the remote sequoias, no running water, and pit toilet, pack it in pack it out. BUT can he handle the desert aspect? Would he be willing to attempt…. I won’t know until we talk about it so this is really just musing…..

I am artistic, as each month passes more and more of my income is generated by my art. He is not artistic, but is very loving understanding. I think he could enjoy the aspect of BBQ and cooking on such a trip as he loves to cook. His other major love is saltwater fishing. I have learned to love fishing with him and also respect his need to fish with his friends. Any advice anyone can give would be greatly appreciated.

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