Feedback on my confused playa heart?

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 10:46 pm

Can anyone normalize for me, or give me perspective on my confused heart? I have a feeling that despite being at Burning Man many times, this year my playa heart virginity was truly and deeply taken.

It was as if I fell in love overnight. I was charmed, swept away, inspired, enraptured. Of course I was left hungry for more...how could I not have been? But I have doubts that I'll ever hear from him again. With each passing day it is feeling like a wistful dream. I can come to terms with that in a general sense--the whole "if it's meant to be" thing--but I wonder if I am merely experiencing something many burners before me know well. In the immediacy of the moment it seemed utterly and completely "right." Yet now in the real world there is a vacuum where love once existed and seemed real and I am filled with doubts.

Any tips on letting it be and letting what happens on the playa stay on the playa? Much gratitude in advance for your help.

Chai Guy · Post by **Chai Guy** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 10:55 pm

I've been on both sides of this equation. I've had playa romances that remained unrequited in the desert and I had one in which we continued into the mortal realm only to have it ignite and consume us like the flames of the man himself.

Be careful what you wish for, the universe may just provide it for you.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 11:01 pm

Lovely answer. I'm being quite careful what I wish for, except for perhaps the possiblity that my wish is unrealistic. But to whatever degree it is realistic, I think I'm clear that I want what I wish for. Now maybe all I need is patience? And acceptance of anything the universe has to offer me....

Maybe this is the point. Maybe it is not so much about him as it is about my need to learn to not grasp, not feel entitled, be grateful for what beauty I am/was blessed to experience, whether I have any future experiences of it or not.

I can hear the voice in the back of my head now: "get thee to a Zendo."

Paradox Plaid · Post by **Paradox Plaid** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 11:45 pm

confusion is bliss, it's exactly how you deal with that which gives our souls character

Chai Guy · Post by **Chai Guy** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 1:16 am

It might also help to remember (as it helps me) that regardless of how much time or energy you spend pontificating on this subject, it will be exactly as it is, perfect and complete.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 8:37 am

Somehow I just had a feeling this would be a good place to seek help with my struggle. Thanks so much you guys for lending a hand. All the help I can get toward advanced evolution is appreciated, and comes not a moment too soon!

CagedKitty · Post by **CagedKitty** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:56 am

Remember that everything you felt was inside you, and is still there and accesible, although harder to get to without external influences. Fill that vacuum with the love that was once there, no matter where "he" is now. You can even tranfer it to people who love you and deserve you.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 10:59 am

Thank you. It is true; it is SO inside me...I am filled to the brim with it...overflowing with it. If nothing else ever comes of it, he helped me realize that a kindred spirit exists, surely among many others, and I am trying to have faith that such spirits will recognize me as I do them. At the very least I have committed myself, after the experience this weekend, to never again settling for companionship out of fear of loneliness. This was one of his/mine/our enduring gifts. Now to the hard work of not being graspy or greedy or mopey about the possibility of not getting what I "want." I will work on wanting what I get but not taking more of it than is good for me. This is going to be a long playa lesson!

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:58 pm

"I have doubts that I'll ever hear from him again".

Fanny, I wish you all the best. But don't judge the guy to harshly if he doesn't call. I've met some very nice women who were interested in me--even pushy. I knew that in the long run , I wouldn't be a good match for them. I sidestepped them or blew them off. Life is short and I didn't want to waste their time. Better to write an enchanted page than a disappointed chapter.

I spent 15 years doing overland travel. I personally believe that the best place to find a soul mate is aroung the campfire in some magic place that attracts magic people.
Dan
PS If you read a couple of the books by David Deida it will go a LONG way towards enlightenment. Trust me!!

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Sun Sep 11, 2005 6:01 am

"Better to write an enchanted page than a disappointed chapter."

Nicely said, Dan, thank you. I know what it is like to have people be pushy about attraction; I have no interest in putting anyone through that. I am looking for something where the magic is a result of mutual admiration. I know that in my heart. I guess it's the whole letting go thing which is a challenge after the intensity of the weekend. Maybe part of the come-down from the whole thing....the adjusting to "reality."

But you are SO right....I tell myself no matter what I was lucky enough to have a taste of something sweet and at least I know more now about the direction to look in as I continue my search. And, I'm finally wising up about getting my butt out to more B.M. activities. Will be much more involved next year, not just for this reason but because I realize these are the kind of people I want to spend my time with.

I'll check out that author; I appreciate the suggestion.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 11:49 am

Hmmm... this response isn't, mayhaps, as uplifting as everyone else's, but I'd just caution you to keep perspective. Playa crushes are, mostly, just that. Sometimes they turn into more, but it seems pretty rare for a long lasting compatability to emerge from it.

On playa, so many factors which colour in who and how we are when we're away from the playa are removed. Add to that a tendency for people to be more open on the playa. This isn't to say that that person you fell for on the playa isn't real, or that what you feel isn't real - only that it may not work as well IRL.

It's something to keep in mind if you decide to pursue it.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 12:35 pm

I personally think this is really an interesting question. Is it that we add things to ourselves to enhance the playa reality or is it that we take things away from ourselves while there which detract from our normal daily life? Or maybe a little of both....

I've always found the playa to get me in touch with deeper parts of myself which can get inhibited or glossed over by stess in the day to day routine of bringin' home the bacon.

I guess the most important thing is, whether or not day to day life picks up where the playa left off, that we bring as much of the love and joy with us as we can, and continue to try to keep some part of ourselves plugged in to the playa. At least that's my goal.

Y'all are helping. I'll keep you posted.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 1:21 pm

Could be that too. The operative point is the same - it's not that you're dealing with a different person, but that different aspects to that person will be emphasised/de-emphasised when they're plunked back into their normal routine. It's most likely true of you, too.

If you are looking to find the exact same brand of magic you found on playa, it is better to let it live in your memory. If you're looking to see who and what this person is in their normal environment, have fun with it. I just think it's mainly a mindset and *cough* expectations issue.

And don't forget to get your RDA of swoons in while you can.

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 2:45 pm

Actually I've decided, after giving this lots of thought, that I believe in magic.

And I want nothing less than the magic generated, begun, germinated on the playa.

Nothing less will do. Call me fussy, call me demanding, but it's a decision I've made and hopefully I'll have the bravery to back it up. No more waiting 'til I get back out there next year. The playa comes home with me this time and its magic will be encouraged to stay in my life year round. It's gonna be fertile soil for my new friend or for the new friends yet to come.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:24 pm

This year I got married on the playa, 2 years to the day that I met her on the playa. We had both made a consicous decision to love and commit, and then we found each other. But it's a slippery thing and if you grasp too tight, it'll shoot out your fingers.

And then you'll have to bend over in the shower.

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:28 pm

'Course, you two are both exceptional people.

I'll admit, even in the midst of my naysaying I was thinking of your counter-example.

Now can I borrow $5?

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:33 pm

Now can I borrow $5?

My advice is you ask for much more.

blyslv · Post by **blyslv** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:34 pm

AS soon as I get my sheckels converted!

Rian Jackson · Post by **Rian Jackson** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:36 pm

Your 5.1 NIS. When I'm in need of a loan, I'm going to call in that .1 NIS or whatever it was.

Oh, and FF - I keep asking for magic wands to fix my affairs of the heart, and people just offer a penis. So I'm going to stick with the $5 loan.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Mon Sep 12, 2005 6:49 pm

"Actually I've decided, after giving this lots of thought, that I believe in magic. "
Fanny, I commend you on your decision. I to, believe in magic. There are litle bits of magic here and there that need to be prised out. The whole secret is knowing where to invest your efforts.
Most often places, experiences and persons that seem magic are magic because of how you relate to them. Sooooo, attitude is all important. You'll make your own magic.
Dan

Berknsuz · Post by **Berknsuz** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 9:39 pm

It's most interesting that you appear to have known the answer to your querry from the beginning. You are on the right track. Paying attention is the primary tool to understanding.
I met folks who were celebrating their 2 year anniversary of their meeting & falling in love on the playa. Magic is all around us, we just get to seeing the extraordinary as ordinary.
Enjoy, Berk

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:01 pm

You know, I wonder if I knew from the beginning. I don't think in fact I did. I think it took the days after posting the initial question to arrive at my conclusion. When I posted the question I was filled with sadness and angst. I was feeling afraid of discovering that something which felt so inspiring could be found to be fleeting, transitory, playa-only-reality. But then as the days passed after posting I managed to find some courage and I decided that whether or not it was a playa-induced dream, it was still the dream I wanted to live. Not that I had to live it with a specific person, but that the nature of the connection I felt was the quality of the connection I want to feel with anyone who would become my lover. Somehow I managed to get really clear about that, and really clear that the only thing interfering with my prioritizing that above all else in my life was fear. Simply fear. Of course fear is such a big part of being human, so I am closely familiar with it, but I am sick of it and I am tired of it and I really want to not succumb to it the way I have in the past.

I figured if for no other reason, I was meant to meet this inspiring person to face that letting go of fear is fruitful, beautiful, difficult, scary in its own way, but a much more rich way to live than the way I'd been living before. If I see him again I'll be lucky. If I don't I will be lucky still, because I was challenged to push myself beyond my fears and to trust something deep within my soul.

Now all these other small decisions I have to make in life make me realize how scary change can be, and I am able to see everything from a new perspective. So I got something deep and intense from the playa and from the connection and it is a big challenge to keep it alive here, but I'm trying. I'm trying.

Ranger Genius · Post by **Ranger Genius** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:15 pm

Actually I've decided, after giving this lots of thought, that I believe in magic.

Hey, it made sense to me.

Remember, kids, that this could happen to you if you dfrink and post

Flammable Fanny · Post by **Flammable Fanny** » Tue Sep 13, 2005 11:41 pm

I love it! The music is words to my ears.

This is most definitely NOT a pipe, pipe though it is.

Who the hell knows what the pipe is, really.

can't sit still · Post by **can't sit still** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:08 pm

Fanny, congratulations, you've found something deep inside,,,,and discovered that it's really part of you. It's so magical you want to hang on to it and nurture it.
We all know that magic is usually very transitory. If you could nail down where it came from and why, you could nurture it and recreate it.

OK,,,before the slings and arrows of the world erode it away, you have to define and nurture it.
If you can find the time, you MUST read at least 2 books by David Deida;
"It's a Guy Thing"---an owners manual for Women
"Dear Lover"
These aren't a rehash of Mars /Venus
They aren't about sex.
They're about bring your essence to full bloom, about getting past fear and living as if you were connected to "God", about being totally alive and coloring your whole world with your limitless feminine energy.
The books and the concept are really quite impressive. I'm also reading "The Way of the Superior Man" by the same author. You would find that interesting also. These books have been REAL eye-openers for me. A burner I met told me about them.
Dan

JezebelinHell · Post by **JezebelinHell** » Wed Sep 14, 2005 8:02 pm

I got a wicked case of 'Playa Love' last year. It was rough...but I made it through. I felt exactly like you do when I got home, but I'm fine now. Banging a much cooler chick, and one that's actually as interested in me as I am in her.

EB · Post by EB » Wed Sep 14, 2005 9:19 pm

JezebelinHell wrote:Banging a much cooler chick, and one that's actually as interested in me as I am in her.

The ePlaya provides me with a level of frank lesbian commentary that I get nowhere else. Not even "Passion Cove."

Thank you for "gifting" me.

EB

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 9:58 am

Hey all. This is my first post outside the greeters station. (ooooh big brownie point!) I felt compelled to chime in. This thread has really made me feel warm inside, maybe even FUZZY!
This was my first burn and I kinda knew what to expect, but just let things flow, and I had no clue that BOOM, thurs. nite I was to meet a playa boyfriend. It was such a freakin INCREDIBLE experience. The magic of this guy was that he didnt speak much, he was all eye contact and facial expressions. Im a pretty analytical fun woman that loves to sing and talk, but we meshed very well and had these magical 3 days on the playa. We even watched the burn together and went to a few live music parties. Sheesh, thats not even the important part, the important part is that we had this FINE connection, WHOAH.....burning heart!!! I knew romance would come naturally on the playa but I had no idea it would be like this.
The whole time Im like, well, I guess I gotta giev thisone up to the gods....Its mine, its his, but I cant foreshadow any future on my own. I knew in the real world we were so different, so i just let it go.

Ive had an emotional decompression....its great to come here and read all these posts. Its great to find some folks to relate to directly on line. We all know that some folks are going thru this, but to read it makes me feel nice!

Im trying to feel eveerything said cuz its all good stuff ^^^ up there. Even the realities are good to breeze thru.....I know that my outlet is going to be writing and playing music. The love is the inspiration.

gabyraymond · Post by **gabyraymond** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 10:15 am

I feel you, girl.
I really, really do. Some amazing things happened during those short days and nights.

RedHeaven · Post by **RedHeaven** » Thu Sep 15, 2005 12:04 pm

I try to let the love I feel for this person inspire the love I have for myself....transforming that person into my life in my own story....hey its my love, I shared it unconditionally, and learned so much.

I think that the reason I wanted to contact this person outside the event was to bring it down to earth....realise that its just another human, and on the playa he was a gift. Vice versa, hopefully!
Its not like I want a physical relationship outside the event, or even a close friend....just want to know that hes a normal fella...hahaha
So, I really feel you on wanting to bring his spirit down to earth, thats a toughie. To let things go to the "sky" takes a lot of willpower, and in some cases is forced. Much thoughts your way, and to all who just want to bring it home......its an intense journey! Just hearing your stories feels GOOD once again.
Im having so much difficulty looking at my photos of him and I now....I jonsed on them the whole week after, and I had to put the damn thing down for a few weeks. Too heavy!
I always say, Love what you can......